I said good-bye to my hubby again, back to Utah he goes. It is only for one month, and he is going to be able to fly home for his off-times. Okay. I would like to say whatever, I don't give a shit. I can't because I do care. This is ripping me up inside. I don't want him gone, and especially not so far away. I have other friends who are going through worse nightmares than me. I feel even worse being a big cry-baby about it. I don't want to do this.
It is not surprising that my depression is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I hurt all over and am crying sad. I am so damn tired, it is beyond bullshit. Yet, I sleep for crap. I crave my smokes, and am glad I don't have them. I am also glad my stomach hurts so bad, it prevents me from over-eating. I have been having crying jags again, my kids help with these. I try to go do something, find something else to do. Distraction.
Jack the puppy helps and drives me nuts, too. He knows how sad I am. He won't leave me alone. It is a mixed blessing. He really stinks. I am very disappointed in the pet groomer's this time. I don't think they emptied his anals and his wash? It wasn't very good. He's got really bad dandruff. All this negativity..I know. It really isn't helping.
I see my surgeon Monday. Whatever.
I see my therapist Tuesday. I really don't think our relationship is working. He did help me, but we have stalled or reached a wall or something. I am so frustrated with it all. I can't even explain that. I had such hopes of reaching some kind of relief or feeling better or something. I feel worse..about myself, about my life, about everything. I am still an Fb addict and stalker. I still am depressed and lonely. I am still a lousy parent. My hubby is still a drunk.
The only bonus, I quit smoking. That was me and my hypnotist. My kids help a lot with this. My hubby does not, did not, not really. My girlfriend or his mom, either. Except, at some point they would all reek so bad of smoke that it was a big turn-off. I keep looking for my smokes at times and then realize they aren't there. The calming point is that it is okay. I don't need them. I would like to be that way with fb. If I could find the switch that turns desperation into peace. The stupid part is I have it every once in awhile. I can fake it with pain meds and booze, knowing it isn't real. The pain meds are going to run out, though there is ways to get more. There is always an ocean of booze to drown in...I have swam there before.
Did I say I am tired? LOLOL. My doctor's office called and told me I am really anemic, again. Yep, told you nothing has changed. I can't take the iron pills at all..tried but was really bad. Oh, well.
Praying? I am still praying, and the sad part is I have met some really awesome god-type people who really do shine. There way isn't for me. I wish I could explain that. No. Some of them have helped me a lot, others have hurt me even more. The dumb part is when I let them. I wish.
My therapist ends every session with that question, what do you wish for right now? I wish I could wake-up and realize it has all been a very strange dream. Except my reality is too real and my fantasies are too fuzzy. My dreams? I can't talk about those. All I am trying to fix is me, I am the broken one. There is so many others but I can't help them.
I will cheer up, this is just one of my many faces..my emotional masks I become and cycle through. Crazy, yes. My one friend called it my "pity party". He's got a point, I am not sure how to stop playing it. LOl, I will bore myself with it, I hope soon and be done with it. The question the other day was do you know someone who is still alive because you didn't want to go to jail or hell? Hah.
Levels, changing the world? So many people are just striving to survive. Others are working at what they think is important. This changes. Tomorrow is another day, another dawn..I'll still be here, hopefully in a better mood. Today? Today is done. Thanks for listening. Love you all..schmuck that I am..have a wondrous tomorrow.
..when the bullet hits the bone. I own no right to this song or video..
It is not surprising that my depression is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I hurt all over and am crying sad. I am so damn tired, it is beyond bullshit. Yet, I sleep for crap. I crave my smokes, and am glad I don't have them. I am also glad my stomach hurts so bad, it prevents me from over-eating. I have been having crying jags again, my kids help with these. I try to go do something, find something else to do. Distraction.
Jack the puppy helps and drives me nuts, too. He knows how sad I am. He won't leave me alone. It is a mixed blessing. He really stinks. I am very disappointed in the pet groomer's this time. I don't think they emptied his anals and his wash? It wasn't very good. He's got really bad dandruff. All this negativity..I know. It really isn't helping.
I see my surgeon Monday. Whatever.
I see my therapist Tuesday. I really don't think our relationship is working. He did help me, but we have stalled or reached a wall or something. I am so frustrated with it all. I can't even explain that. I had such hopes of reaching some kind of relief or feeling better or something. I feel worse..about myself, about my life, about everything. I am still an Fb addict and stalker. I still am depressed and lonely. I am still a lousy parent. My hubby is still a drunk.
The only bonus, I quit smoking. That was me and my hypnotist. My kids help a lot with this. My hubby does not, did not, not really. My girlfriend or his mom, either. Except, at some point they would all reek so bad of smoke that it was a big turn-off. I keep looking for my smokes at times and then realize they aren't there. The calming point is that it is okay. I don't need them. I would like to be that way with fb. If I could find the switch that turns desperation into peace. The stupid part is I have it every once in awhile. I can fake it with pain meds and booze, knowing it isn't real. The pain meds are going to run out, though there is ways to get more. There is always an ocean of booze to drown in...I have swam there before.
Did I say I am tired? LOLOL. My doctor's office called and told me I am really anemic, again. Yep, told you nothing has changed. I can't take the iron pills at all..tried but was really bad. Oh, well.
Praying? I am still praying, and the sad part is I have met some really awesome god-type people who really do shine. There way isn't for me. I wish I could explain that. No. Some of them have helped me a lot, others have hurt me even more. The dumb part is when I let them. I wish.
My therapist ends every session with that question, what do you wish for right now? I wish I could wake-up and realize it has all been a very strange dream. Except my reality is too real and my fantasies are too fuzzy. My dreams? I can't talk about those. All I am trying to fix is me, I am the broken one. There is so many others but I can't help them.
I will cheer up, this is just one of my many faces..my emotional masks I become and cycle through. Crazy, yes. My one friend called it my "pity party". He's got a point, I am not sure how to stop playing it. LOl, I will bore myself with it, I hope soon and be done with it. The question the other day was do you know someone who is still alive because you didn't want to go to jail or hell? Hah.
Levels, changing the world? So many people are just striving to survive. Others are working at what they think is important. This changes. Tomorrow is another day, another dawn..I'll still be here, hopefully in a better mood. Today? Today is done. Thanks for listening. Love you all..schmuck that I am..have a wondrous tomorrow.
People see God every day, they just don't recognize him. ~Pearl Bailey
