Alice, Where are You Going? Part II

"Alice, Where are you going?" 

"Upstairs, to take a bath"

Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe-raff-raff...

Alice pulled out the plug.

"Oh my goodness! Oh my soul! There goes Alice down the hole.."

"blub, blub, blub." 

That was a kid's song that my Dad liked to sing..he found it amusing. I found it terrifying when I was really little. That I would actually go down the hole...and disappear forever into the pipes. I never stayed in the tub when it was draining. Of course, there is the other Alice, classic but way creepy.
The movies on this have just reinforced that thought.

I am finding this blog the most difficult to write. I have gone over and over in my head what I should say. I am also on my second draft. As always, not sure how this is going to turn out.

 I have played on the edge of madness throughout my life. Sometimes going way over the line and straying back, or running back, somehow making it back to reality. It is hard to describe as there are different types. The madness of drugs, knowing reality was messed up and being happy and scared about it. I took LSD(acid) 3 times in my life, that I remember..I was 14 the 1st time and always took it alone. The friend that gave it to me hated to see me high. I had never even had a beer or alcohol, though I had smoked pot. I loved being high...didn't matter on what. Life was fuzzy, and pain was muted...and fear didn't matter anymore.

Fear ruled my family life from a very early age..and love, and religion. The hate didn't start till I was around 8...when the punishment vastly exceeded the crime, again. The hate grew over the years and the love changed into ugliness. My strategy was to be invisible, which sometimes worked. The other strategy was to be perfect, to have everything just right, which also sometimes worked. Avoidance was another key, none of us kids volunteered to be anywhere near my dad. Unless he noticed, and then you plucked up your courage and did your best. My mom was our ally at times, and sometimes our betrayer, and was also abused physically and mentally. I never stuck up for any of my Sib's. But, after a certain age learned not to "tell" on them, either. The poor "dogs" took most of the abuse.

I tried to escape into books. My secret power(lol) is how I read. I picked it up, like a duck to water. My dad was the one who first started me on speed reading. He was watching me read a book, and got annoyed. His suggestions, don't mouth the words. Try to take in a whole sentence at a time, then work on a paragraph, then a page...!

I got beat a lot for reading books over the years..it made me read more, and faster.

"Fear is the little mind-killer" DUNE

I lived, I grew up, and I ran away. Anytime my life became unbearable, I would run away again, and again..changing who, what, where and how. I never stopped reading.

To face my past anew, with new knowledge and professional assistance, wow! The fear is always there, the madness where you fall down the hole and everything is bizarre. You have no control, no hope and obsessions rule. Or you are lost forever, either missing, or trapped down a pit of darkness with no light and no escape. Or the light possesses you and your voice is no longer your own, doing good but without a clue. Doing things, saying things..whether for good or evil...and pain, mental, physical and spiritual. It is a part of you, and then another and another..mirrors of different aspects of this or that..knowing you have to find the core of yourself.

I'd rather be the bored housewife.

Shit! I still am..lolol.

The next level..insanity isn't catching, just uncomfortable. The stigma's are beyond incredible. Help finally found me and now is helping me put myself and my family back together.  One step at a time, one person at a time, whether me or you or the person next to you. Making the world a better place... Thanks for listening..TTYAL.