Rainy Days and Mondays..always make me High.

The depression is taking over today. I am fighting against it and trying to stay afloat. I was in the pool holding onto a swim noodle. My feet weren't touching and the current just kept swirling me around slowly in a circle. A different viewpoint and thought for every 1/4 or 1/8 turn. I could look at the sky and realize my face was burning. Or put the back of my head in the water and not listen to a sound except underwater gurgle. Awh gheeze. I am so tired.

Getting up, putting on dry clothes, perhaps will help. Tears are for fools and babies and I have been foolish long enough. Time to grow up? I wish.

Yesterday, today, the next..it is hitting hard. Different activities keep it at bay for awhile. Then I am caught up in it, again. Knowing it is so stupid. Trying so hard not to show it to the world, or my kids. The kids know, the puppy knows, the sadness and tears  have taken over. I have so many regrets, not of the past as much as the present. What the eff am I doing here?

It is beyond hot, dusty and humid as well, today. I don't miss the Mid-west cold, snow and ice or mosquitos and biting ladybugs. I miss rain, the green, shade, Spring and Fall...raspberries and fireflies. My plants, flowers, and friends, even though I was lonely there too. Not as much, I had more alternatives. OMG! Please help me Lord. I am so sad and the tears don't fade and the pain hurts.

My hubby is on his way home tomorrow, I talk to my therapist too. My daughter, held me up. She's been there in the darkness too. I should be helping her, not the other way around. Or maybe this is the way it was supposed to happen, right now. She sees my pain, too.

My hubby promised he'd get transferred, find a new job, be home by the end of July/August. With all my new medical bills, he decided he has to stay on until the Christmas bonus in December. He will be able to come home for my surgery. He counts that as an answer.

I have reached my limit and beyond.

This is not the end of it, though.

Since my last mental breakdown, I have been slowly getting myself back together. I have done this before more times than I want to admit. This part makes people uncomfortable. They can handle the pain of depression, or the jitters of anxiety. Facing the thought of more than one person inside yourself is the topic of comedian's jokes. We laugh about things we are scared of. Sit-coms finding the " psycho/serial murderer", "Sybil", or the "Three Faces of Eve" is what flashes through people's heads. I am not a schizophrenic or have true multiple personalities, which is extremely rare. A very very small percentage of them are violent to others or are capable of what those shows portray. Most are locked inside themselves with no way out.

I am not "normal" either. LOL

As a child in Lockport, Il I was held down by a group of kids, kindergarteners who were my own age. They had been my friends, one girl and two boys. I had lied and said I had a belly-button telephone. I refused to admit that I lied or show them the proof. On the way home from school, they chased me, caught me and held me down on the ground while they pulled my clothes up and down. The boys were shocked at my privates, my ex-girl friend less so. They were even more unhappy about the lack of a phone. They left and I pulled myself together and went home crying. Where I got in trouble from my mom for being late from school and with dirty hair and clothes. We were late for church, and it was all my fault. I did not tell anyone, didn't talk to anyone.

I started learning about survival. The books I devoured all had hero's who were brave or scared but kept going. I, at first, had my sister as my shield. When she couldn't be there I learned to find a personality trait that could help me make it through. Being shy, funny, outrageous, quiet..when I got older I learned how to use my wit and brains and point out people's weaknesses. I could be cruel. I learned that honesty was a double-edged sword that can cut both ways. I learned eventually that kindness hurts more than meanness. Being ignored or invisible was okay, as long as I could get away with something. I got a lot of other people in trouble, mostly in class. It was a blast for me, not the trouble part but having fun with them.

All my lives were separate. There was family life, there was church, there was school in the classroom, during recess and on the bus. There was the neighborhood, and there was my imagination and my books. I could be whoever, whenever, wherever. When I was afraid or unsure, I could let the hero part take over, when I was bored, I became the instigator, when I was hurt, I could play the victim. I learned that looks really do matter and girls/ woman were treated differently. Sex could be a weapon. Drugs and alcohol were another separate life. Most all of this was unintentional, it  just happened.

In high school theater, I got small speaking roles. I loved it! To become someone else entirely and the friends I made there were incredible. Smart, fun, wacky..it was another world I could fit into.

When I started waitressing, I learned how to have a front mask. The more true I could make it the more money I made. I learned how to re-make myself, it wasn't always pretty at first, but I could pull myself together and keep moving on.

I can do the same now, except this time I am facing my terrors and fears. They say when you are using you are halted developmentally at that age. I am back at thirteen, aargh(!) with the experience of twenty more plus years. The hormone overload I have been in is a reverse of that past time. I am still dealing with a "crush" on someone. It comes complete with emotional ups, downs, corniness and total "adult" embarassment. My friends tell me that these "rides" will be gone after my hysterectomy. Yey! and Thank GOD!

Today is a new dawn, soon. It is raining in the desert. Monsoon season has begun. I love the rain and energy. For me there is always hope on the horizon, staying clean, sticking with reality and taking care of my responsibilities as a parent, wife, house and dog owner. My FB friends give me so much support.

There isn't any right or wrong answers here. Finding a level I am comfortable with and facing another one, that isn't easy with a new twist. Keep going my friends and enjoy the journey. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

from  Jackie Papandrew, author of Airing My Dirty Laundry:  "I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."

I am the Year, Day and Hour of the Dragon.

Hug who? Hug Me...thanks.

After dithering around most of the morning, I realized I HAVE to write today and now. Otherwise, it will keep turning circles around in my head and I won't get anything done.

I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!

When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.

I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!

On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.

We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has  been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.

There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.

My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.

I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.

Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.

On this day, God wants you to know

... "that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not."

My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

woke up this morning..

Today, LOLOL

Yeah, today I woke up. I can say things got better.. they did. The waking up part though, we take it as a given every day. I curse it lately as my sleep patterns are all whacked. I did okay today, it was 5 AM or so. My daughter was already up. *sigh. I felt like she has invaded my space and my time slot. Plus, the deja vu moment of seeing her exactly where she had been when I went to sleep. Did she sleep at all? Found out she did, just not much.

I am not the only one with sleep problems. It is a very common complaint on FB. Mine is a combo of all sorts of things, and pre-menopause. Renee, my daughter, has depression and hormones. We are more alike than we care to admit. I laugh here. The therapy has helped, my relationship with her has been steadily improving. I am loving it, normally I would have been yelling at her or being a "bitch" of some kind. Instead we talked pleasantly and she went and took a shower, without a fight of any kind. Wow!

I was very sick, physically for a few days. IBS and my hernia, plus stress and not eating right, I have felt so much better. Decided my bathroom really could use a new paint job too. Ugh! Was it the iron pills or the sips of vanilla shake? Who knows? I did manage to NOT throw up..YEY! A personal daily goal that I am always happy to fulfill.

Mother's day is difficult, and a few other things. I couldn't figure out WTFH my problem was. A video of a guy in a wheelchair set me straight. Guilt, we all have it..don't need it. So why are we hanging on to it?

I am not so sure about no guilt ever. Hmm, really have to think about that. But, as an addict and a human, I tend to build emotions to incredibly insane amounts. Forgive..yourself and others. For me letting things go was like losing a 1000 lbs of shite. It will build again, and I will have to tackle the mountain, but um..wow. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or being weak. It is more of okay, enough already...let's move on.

Today is another day, and yes..I have woken up again. Amazing isn't it? No, I am really not being sarcastic. My  one friend calls it a gift, I call it life. Not everyone is so blessed and then it is done. I had so many days where I cried and cursed..WTF. I still have a few where I will do the same. Life isn't supposed to be easy, or fun, or..what? It can be those things, and sometimes it is pain, anguish, suffering. Some days it is just blah, who cares? Those are the really dangerous days. Because deep down somewhere, you know you care.

I have had a beautiful sunshine day in the desert. Today, I had a little bird that almost landed on me..without any fear. I said hello, it seemed the polite thing to do. I also saw a smaller lizard doing his push-ups in the sun. I have a crazy black puppy who greets me with unrestrained joy every morning. I have a hubby who supports me. I have two beautiful kids. I have friends, who I talk with daily. Some give me a push in the right direction, others I pray for, or encourage, laugh or cry with. They are real. I am still looking for more ways to meet people here. It scares me. With Facebook, you can walk away or delete people or block them...actual life is harder.

Lately, I hear screaming in my head. It has become an almost constant white noise, sometimes very loud and at other times just a whisper. When I listen, it makes me sad. When it is all I can hear, I feel crazy in my own skin, I itch all over and hurt inside and out. Is this scaring you? LOL, scares me a bit too, my head, remember? It is different from my yearnings and addictions, though connected. I will talk about this more another time. I am still trying to sort it out. Wish me luck with that, a few prayers probably wouldn't hurt either.

To my fellow friend, SA..you asked me for help. Now you understand why I can't. Not because of what we talked about or didn't. I am not so sure what you want, justification or a way to change. *sigh. The fact that you have to hide everything from your spouse should clue you in to the problem. She doesn't trust you, with good reason. She also deserves better and so do you. So do I..lol...don't we all?

Another day, another chance to do something, to make a difference small or large. To act instead of react..levels?

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. - William James

Somewhere, somehow, to someone..yep. Enough serious..

The fun never stops, it just changes its underpants---Deborah Hamilton

Still laughing my ass off, uh-huh. Have a wondrous day and be thankful that you woke up..I am today.
Thank you for listening and I will TTYAL.