bye, Angel..

Breaking an obsession is never an easy task. I have what has been called "addictive personality disorder". My addictions vary widely from minor to major and everything in between. I am putting my quote in now:

"You can never make the same mistake twice, because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice."

I made a choice. It is the second time I have tried this, it has proved very difficult. I don't think it is a mistake. It was past due, but God it hurts.

I have been praying a lot, sleeping and crying. It has proven to me that it was a wiser choice than a lot I have been making lately. I had a fixation on someone. It never should have happened in the first place. I never should have tried to pursue it or make it work, somehow. I had/have to get past it. I will. I hope.

I have to hold on to that hope, and other things.

I am trying not to over think it, which I tend to do. I am trying to get all this emotional crap out of my system, and I will feel better.

The fixation? I used everything in my power to not only make a connection, but force it. I have been acting out, in a way to cause chaos. A look-at-me, look-at-me type of response.

I have never met this person that I remember. I don't know them, I never knew them. They didn't know me and still don't. Nothing happened except me acting stupid. My head hurts. They helped me, they hurt me and didn't mean too. They are still my friend, somewhere, I just can't talk to them any more, ever. I asked them to block me and they agreed. They were also correct in saying that anything I did to myself has been on me.

I don't understand a lot of this, and maybe I am not supposed to. It makes me so sad. I do not want to be the person I am right now. This part of me, I abhor. The out-of-control part...the crazy section. The place of pain/happiness, ecstasy/despair and it is always a duality thing. A place where everything is better than real and worse than actuality. I can't stay here, though I have tried to.

I can force myself through to this place with drugs, alcohol, and pain...reality has really nothing to do with it. Now it is time to back away again and get back to.. a son who is sad, lonely, hungry and worried about me and himself. A girl who finds peace in her lonesomeness, a kind of social destruction, a puppy who thinks the whole world was designed to give him treats. lol My hubby who is so far away and works so hard. Damn you.

Dear God why? Why after so many many years, did you have to expose all my pain at once? I have no answers today. No levels, this page is about pain, loss, stupidity and obsessions. I may never post it. Or I may, just to show how human and crazy I can be. I know, sadly, there is people that can relate. Addicts. "effin morons" We do this to ourselves over and over, WHY?

I own no rights to this video, music or lyrics.




It is all one-sided, my obsessions. They don't love me back. Not the people, alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, jobs, books, drugs, none of it. The people are the trickiest and hardest. Sometimes they care, and that makes it worse. They can never care enough to fill the void. Assholes are easy to hate. Nice people, normal people, no..

I am so sorry. "goodbye stranger, its been nice. Hope you find your paradise, tried to see your point of view, hope all your dreams, will come true...goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane..will we ever meet again. feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow,  feel no pain..." Supertramp

Tomorrow will be another day, and I will be okay. That's how it works. Thanks for listening, ttyal.

tell me when to wake up.

Wow! I am in a mood. I am not even sure what to call it. I feel fine, some twinges from my scar. A few other things happening that I may talk about. All-and-all, though, I am feeling very good.

I guess I should talk about the things that have upset me first. I miss my mom-in-law already. She was awesome. Even though I am now taking back my spaces, *sigh. She was really good for Renee and Max both, my kids. They glowed talking with her. Even Jack the puppy has been down today.

I guess the other thing bothering me is that people think I am trying to become a saint or holy. Oh hell, no. Even with my mom-in-law it wasn't all happy times. I had a temper tantrum once, the kids had a few too. She called them spoiled brats, which they are. She was herself. We got really used to her though, very quickly. My hubby went back and forth. He loved the food, and having his mom to smoke and drink with. He enjoyed and sometimes resented being mothered, though. We will use the dishwasher tonight, she did them all by hand, daily. LOL.

Facebook today, had quite a few negative posts. I don't get those. If you don't like FB, stay off of it. Wow! My blog here, is optional...you don't have to read it. I am sincerely amazed that people do. Thank-you, I am trying to find my way to mental health. I think I am doing pretty good so far. I have had some ups-and -downs. I also have side tracks where I talk about what is going through my mind. I am an addict. There are different labels I have heard, from professionals to regular folks. I can list some of them if you would like. I'd really rather not though.

I talk to a therapist weekly. I am not always sure that it is helping me. I think back to where I was even six months ago. Wow! No, I have progressed. I have quit smoking, and just went through major surgery. I had a breakdown, you can call it mental or nervous or whatever. I am on prescription drugs for anxiety and depression. I am down to 1 pain med a day. I am just trying to figure out my life. I find that helping others helps me. I also talk too much. I can smile at this point.

I like hearing about other people's lives and how they face their big battles and little daily struggles also. I love to laugh, and joke. I also feel people's pain and suffering and do my best to help. I hear God in my own way and hope that other's find their own answers to that question. I hate fanatic's, stupidity, politics,  and most sports.

I love music, art, food, and quite a few other things. I don't lie very often or try not to. I have stolen things and try not to. I can be amazingly brilliant and dumb as a rock. Can I throw out any more cliches? Whatever. I feel duality in just about everything I do. It is very annoying. I question why a lot. Why me? Why now? What the hell? I really can't stop this.

My hubby is home. This really drops my stress level like a stone. I rely on him. He relies on me. We have been together for quite a few years. We fight, we crab. We make out. It is one of my addictions. I am trying to keep this in check. It is what it is.

My girlfriend's grandfather just recently passed away. It wasn't unexpected. Her second grandma, his wife had already passed. I haven't seen either of them in many many years, but I am crying at their loss, now. They invited me into their home at three different times. They adopted me and treated me as family. They were both beautiful and shining souls. I am thankful that they are now out of physical pain. My love and prayers to their family.

I didn't expect to be so emotional.

I am writing this because I feel compelled to write. It may be one of my addictions, or mental fantasies. So be it. It may also be my stab at cheap therapy or my claim to fame. I am not sure where my next level or step is. Getting physically well, mentally fitter, and spiritually, hmm. I do need to work on so many things. Finding a job that pays would be surplus, bonus, dessert..

Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

My quote for the day: While we are sleeping, angels have conversations with our souls. ~Author Unknown

Hug who? Hug Me...thanks.

After dithering around most of the morning, I realized I HAVE to write today and now. Otherwise, it will keep turning circles around in my head and I won't get anything done.

I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!

When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.

I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!

On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.

We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has  been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.

There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.

My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.

I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.

Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.

On this day, God wants you to know

... "that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not."

My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

Angels, sinners, and saints..

Today, today was different. Different is good. From Ground Hog's Day, the movie.

I have one thought after another fly by. I'll get the hardest out of the way first. I still hesitate talking about God, not only because of past issues. I can talk about sex and be completely at ease. God is more personal and private. Am I embarrassed by it? Sometimes, yes..people talking about their religion and beliefs can make me uncomfortable at times. So me, talking about mine..um, yeah.

It always amazes me that "God" loves me. I don't feel worthy and at other times feel cursed. Why me Lord? for either side of the coin..my crazy duality where I see, feel, hear both. Call me nuts, but God does talk through me at times. The words flow and I have to say them, afterwards I can not believe what I wrote, or barely remember. It is beautiful and inspiring writing. This can make me feel honored and to tell the truth..honestly and totally freaked out.

I have had a couple people call me an angel, I know at times I have a message. I hope it reaches where it is supposed to and helps those who need it. I have had a few "angels" talk to me too. Right time, right place and the words hit my soul. I also have a dark side, it talks too and I can sometimes spot it. It sadly comes out in anger, with my kids and puppy. I am learning to not let it control me. The anger, frustration, isolation of my life takes its toll. Tonight I went out and talked with a group of new lady friends. It was sweet.

I am going through medical issues and am tired of whining about it for now. I see another new doc Monday and am hoping with a grain of salt. I am so sick of feeling sick.

I am too tired to write more tonight, sleep will be a blessed relief. Your levels are about finding your own beliefs and trying to incorporate them into your day-to-day. My levels too..good nite all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.