bye, Angel..

Breaking an obsession is never an easy task. I have what has been called "addictive personality disorder". My addictions vary widely from minor to major and everything in between. I am putting my quote in now:

"You can never make the same mistake twice, because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice."

I made a choice. It is the second time I have tried this, it has proved very difficult. I don't think it is a mistake. It was past due, but God it hurts.

I have been praying a lot, sleeping and crying. It has proven to me that it was a wiser choice than a lot I have been making lately. I had a fixation on someone. It never should have happened in the first place. I never should have tried to pursue it or make it work, somehow. I had/have to get past it. I will. I hope.

I have to hold on to that hope, and other things.

I am trying not to over think it, which I tend to do. I am trying to get all this emotional crap out of my system, and I will feel better.

The fixation? I used everything in my power to not only make a connection, but force it. I have been acting out, in a way to cause chaos. A look-at-me, look-at-me type of response.

I have never met this person that I remember. I don't know them, I never knew them. They didn't know me and still don't. Nothing happened except me acting stupid. My head hurts. They helped me, they hurt me and didn't mean too. They are still my friend, somewhere, I just can't talk to them any more, ever. I asked them to block me and they agreed. They were also correct in saying that anything I did to myself has been on me.

I don't understand a lot of this, and maybe I am not supposed to. It makes me so sad. I do not want to be the person I am right now. This part of me, I abhor. The out-of-control part...the crazy section. The place of pain/happiness, ecstasy/despair and it is always a duality thing. A place where everything is better than real and worse than actuality. I can't stay here, though I have tried to.

I can force myself through to this place with drugs, alcohol, and pain...reality has really nothing to do with it. Now it is time to back away again and get back to.. a son who is sad, lonely, hungry and worried about me and himself. A girl who finds peace in her lonesomeness, a kind of social destruction, a puppy who thinks the whole world was designed to give him treats. lol My hubby who is so far away and works so hard. Damn you.

Dear God why? Why after so many many years, did you have to expose all my pain at once? I have no answers today. No levels, this page is about pain, loss, stupidity and obsessions. I may never post it. Or I may, just to show how human and crazy I can be. I know, sadly, there is people that can relate. Addicts. "effin morons" We do this to ourselves over and over, WHY?

I own no rights to this video, music or lyrics.




It is all one-sided, my obsessions. They don't love me back. Not the people, alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, jobs, books, drugs, none of it. The people are the trickiest and hardest. Sometimes they care, and that makes it worse. They can never care enough to fill the void. Assholes are easy to hate. Nice people, normal people, no..

I am so sorry. "goodbye stranger, its been nice. Hope you find your paradise, tried to see your point of view, hope all your dreams, will come true...goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane..will we ever meet again. feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow,  feel no pain..." Supertramp

Tomorrow will be another day, and I will be okay. That's how it works. Thanks for listening, ttyal.

OOPS!

The things we realize, looking back.  I am an addict, I say it, I know it. Somehow, I forget. I stopped the pain pills yesterday, I wasn't taking too many in fact, probably 1/2 of the recommended dosage. The shakes started tonight. Then the hot/colds.. CRAP!

My hubby looked over at me at one point and laughed. "Yep, you are shaking." I did a 1/2 dosage of the med tonight. I will do another 1/2 or quarter tomorrow. I have weaned myself off of drugs before. Being addicted to pain meds? This isn't any different. I did enjoy my buzz for awhile, I guess. "high hopes" anyone? LOL

My stomach hurts from laughing and the removal of 12 staples. Ewww! I still have this drain thing, it is a really long tube attached to my insides somehow and ends up in a plastic bottle. I pin it to my underwear. I also get to empty the liquid from it. Mark, my hubby can't look at any of this stuff. It totally grosses him out and makes him nauseous. My mother-in-law finds it all fascinating. I wish she had been there for the birth of my kids. She would have been way more useful. Sorry, honey.

She is incredible, she has done the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry..I sleep.. and FB and I am not really sure what I am doing. I won't be able to drive till I get these pain meds completely out of my system. It is just going to take longer than I thought. 

I don't have any wise advice or even anything to say here other than "duh". I, of course, spaced off my niece's wedding. Congrats, honey. Nobody was really expecting me to show up. I am not very connected to either side of my family. FB has just recently opened some of those boundaries. My hubby is very close to his, while he lives as far away as he can. lol, I know. It doesn't make any sense to me either.

I am going to go upstairs soon, check on the kids and go to sleep. It is the week-end I may manage more than a couple of hours. There is laundry I need done, tomorrow. I am still not allowed to do anything. OK, I do know that I am a bit stuck on myself. It is a me.. me... me..thing. Yep! Since I can't sneak into other people's minds I have to stick with what I know. People do fascinate me though.

I am still shaking, and it is really getting annoying now. Good night everyone. Thanks for listening. TTYAL..

 

WTH? ..OHhh..

I figured out today I was angry. No, not at the whole world just bits of it. Angry that I fell way short of my personal goals today. I face-booked almost all day..it isn't a waste like playing solitaire all day/night. That was so last year..lol.

I am trying to put a positive spin on it, and then work on improving it tomorrow. This is what I do. I can't let myself wallow, or obsess, or whip myself. It is a wrong turn that doesn't end anywhere I want to be, because I've been there before. "Familiarity can bring comfort, or breed contempt." We have all backed ourselves into a hole before, or painted ourselves into a corner. that's just life. Staying in the corner or falling down the hole, over and over again. WTH! Ohh..duh.

I told a friend that being an alcoholic would be easier..I was wrong. Being an addict of any kind trying to recover isn't remotely easy. It is ok sometimes, then thoughts sneak in, and other thoughts and pretty soon you have a plan of action. Which has convinced you, however flimsy the reasoning that you need/have to go back to your "candy". With mind-altering chemicals, the excuses get sadder and sadder...it doesn't take a whole lot to believe your truth. At the risk of everything, life-and-health, self-respect, love, morals(?)..you get your fix, somehow. WTH! Ohh.."eff'''this is sad.

I am not a normal addict, or maybe that isn't right. I am an addict, I denied it..ran away from it. then proved to myself and whoever that I wasn't one. I was devoted to my husband..became addicted to work, friends/family and then kids...with other minor obsessions or passions. I found "God" my version, one that I didn't talk about. I find it deeply personal as my God is part of me. I have had so many now from FB question how I believe and what I believe, even my therapist. WTH! Um..no.

Maybe they are right and my psyche is so damaged that I can't have the faith they do, or as was also suggested that I need to find a better "God" or that my "God" wasn't true or maybe even the devil?? WTH..my god, your god, they are all the same god and how you worship him is your business. If it makes you a better person, than I respect your beliefs. If you are an atheist and a great human being, I respect your beliefs too, Hindu, Buddhist, Baptist..etc. I also know we are human and make mistakes..all of us. LOL..yep!

The next level? Give everyone not your preachings, but your example..how you live, love and make mistakes...and/or succeed. I am working on mine. It wasn't a great day, but it is now done. Tomorrow I will do better.

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

~Buddha

Have a great day..or night..TTYAL..

Wet Mud

"You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

 This was a post from a new friend from my Face book..so sweet! We are all more..it isn't a+b= x-y   not for life. The equation, which I am sure there is one.. is so complex and out of  our range of scope ...and is constantly changing and evolving. That's why I love the music, music is mathematical, but also very very human and filled with the sound of the world we live in. Even hearing-impaired people can feel it...especially a live performance.

I worked at the Rosemont for a little while, not that much fun really, our beer stand had a bad location under the stairs. I had to laugh at all the people though, the fact that a Sinatra concert had the majority of the crowd take the elevator...for 1 floor and everyone wanted wine, instead of beer. That a Queensryche concert gave us a 1 beer minimum..it was ususally 4(?)..and a personal cop checking IDs. They went up the stairs 2 at a time or more..lol or down the banister and into the wall. That a concert, didn't know the group.. for Mexican-Americans brought more people with familia dressed in the craziest clothes I have ever seen and the best tip money ever..with the nicest manners and biggest enthusiasm. The band rocked..!

You remake yourself piece by piece every day, sometimes large..I am NOT going to jump off this bridge, sometimes small..I am going to build a leggo bridge with my toddler..so he can knock it over again and again. He laughs every single time, and in a few more years he won't remember..but he will know your laugh. A small bit of music he has heard and associates with fun, excitement and love.

 Problems, mistakes, choices...we all screw up. Sometimes we don't get caught and get away with it, sometimes our best deeds are unintentional. I smiled at the little old lady not because she was sweet, which she was... but because I had just found 20 bucks..mine, mine, mine. That maybe was the only smile she had gotten for weeks, and cheered her for days..who knows?

I re-made myself..from where I started..and re-made myself again...and again..and again..not changing the whole me, but trying to find a me I could look at and accept, respect, like. I did okay, far from perfect, but okay..now I am finding ways to integrate all those past selves into one whole person without the fear, or embarrassment, or stigma's. LOL, and still keep a sense of humor about the journey and the process..

The next level? I am not giving too many details yet, there are other people I still protect. But as a whole or for me, it doesn't take much effort to smile on purpose, to stop looking at your watch, to look at a sunset, to forgive the old lady at Wal-greens who can't scan 2 items without getting confused..to eat a healthy salad, go for a walk, to turn off the TV, X-box, Wii, etc and give your kids a hug..they will not reciprocate. lol, yet. Paying it forward and sideways..never knowing where it might lead. You are more than.. aren't we all?