hanging on..or over?

Too early to go to bed, and I am not tired at all. So, I might as well write something.

I got drunk last night. I am such a lightweight, only took two malt beverages, Smirnoff's blueberry and lemonade. Well, to be honest, 1/2 a pain pill too..don't tell. shhh. It felt familiar and nice at the same time. I like being buzzed, sometimes. It is reality that is difficult. It is hard to be me, LOL.

I did sleep the whole night, wow. I spent the day with my family, which has had its sweet moments. Both of my kids at one point were 'jamming' in the back of the car to a song. I was laughing and so was my hubby, one of those times where life is just perfect in that instance. I try to snap a photo picture of it. I go back to visit that memory when things are not so great. I have quite a few of these good times in my head. They aren't always truly accurate, but they do make me smile. What's funny is when one of these memories bubbles up somewhere or at a time when it is totally inappropriate. It's okay. I really have gotten used to having security walk around behind me while I shop.

 I am craving smokes again. It isn't random, I know my triggers. I have been able to get past this so far. It has been more of a struggle today.  Whew! So, I am still a non-smoker.  I have won this round of the battle so far. If you aren't an addict, you don't understand I don't think. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I have been slightly nauseated all day and non-energetic. It is called having a very slight hangover. I have had hangovers that lasted for weeks. I also at points in my life wasn't sober or straight for more than a few hours for days, months, a few years. LOL Things are kind of blurry looking back at certain times.

The thing is, nobody I liked at that time wanted me straight anyway. My family, LOL..I ran away from them, and tried to keep it that way. I also walked away from or isolated myself from all previous parts of my life. The friends I had were all ones I partied with. I hated all my roomies and they hated me, with good reason. I had been in a beyond messed up relationship for 5 years. Men were good for sex, drugs, alcohol, and maybe a joke or two. That was about it.

 Meeting my husband was an accident.  I have been with him now for over 20 years. Wow, who would ever have thought? It boggles the mind. I quit school and my job at UPS to move to WI with him. I don't know why at the time. I liked him, as he was useful, but didn't love him. He likes to take credit for saving my life. He is right. I was on total self-destruct. I have told him many times since then that he messed up my life plan. I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 30. WTFH..instead I was with him, working and starting a career. I ended up with kids instead. That wasn't in my plans either, and changed my/our world forever.

I love my kids, love my husband and am trying to find ways to live with them, love them without all the angst of my past. My one friend likes to remind me one day at a time. I suppose, it is hard because loving them just isn't enough. They need me straight and on my feet. I'm not trying to be perfect, just better.

I may or may not tie one on again, the way my head and stomach feels it won't be for awhile. Oh ugh. My hubby has to work tomorrow after we made major family plans. Shazbot, the job comes first this time. It won't always. My level, OMG is to straighten up this week. I have been slacking. Your level, where do you want to be? Is your family your priority? Food? Booze or alcohol? Love? I think you have to figure out the answer to that question before you can move on.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL I am ending with 2 quotes that go together, but don't. It is how you view things. LOL.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.~Robert Frost

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr. Seuss

Hug who? Hug Me...thanks.

After dithering around most of the morning, I realized I HAVE to write today and now. Otherwise, it will keep turning circles around in my head and I won't get anything done.

I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!

When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.

I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!

On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.

We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has  been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.

There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.

My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.

I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.

Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.

On this day, God wants you to know

... "that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not."

My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!