Too Many ughs, not enough Hugs.

Ugh, it has been a couple of days or so. I have written stuff, but trust me, nothing anyone wants to read. I feel like crap. Physically, I am in a dump mode. My intestines are cramping, I am bloated, sick to my stomach, my legs and ankles are swollen, my eyes hurt and are puffy. I had a mammoth crying session all day yesterday. I have severe heartburn and gas that I have taken so many remedies for. LOL, I am just pathetic.I am tired as always. Bonus, my blood pressure is fine.

Oh gheeze, it is so sad getting older at times. Having kids destroys your body. Time, gravity and what you started with in the first place are major factors also.  Then their is your lifestyle choices. Smoking, drinking drugs, all take a toll. You can add overeating, eating junk, exercise or lack of and work, plus stress. Your economic status plays a part as does reliable healthcare and insurance. Genetics, thanks Mom and Dad, and all your past ancestors. I have been feeling cursed, again. I'll say ugh again, and take another swig of my lemon/ginger tea with honey.

Yesterday I got the go ahead to schedule my hysterectomy. *sigh, Another effin surgery, I was so depressed, lonely and just completely unbearable, even to myself. Today, I got some things done and well, see above. I did get a nap. I see my ladies group tomorrow. I am very excited. My Canadian neighbor is coming down for a visit, which is always a special treat. I also have time planned to go see Mark in Utah with the kids. woo-hoo! I just wish I felt better, now.

I am doing better, mentally. I have read a few books and have managed to take small breaks from Facebook. My obsessions are always there, but the less I expose myself to them the better off I will be. It helps to be angry and crabby about it more than accepting and understanding at this point. That may change, but right now.  I would love to say eff you and the horse you rode in on. It isn't how I feel totally, but it does give me some balance, perspective and distance. Hate is so much easier than love, especially when there is pain and hurt involved.

I'd rather get bitch-slapped in the face physically than relive some of the "verbal" smack downs I have received in my life. These always hurt worse from people you care about, the worse part is the ones you believe and haunt your self with. You know what I am saying.

I am not crazy. LOL

Monty Python... "we are not worthy" They make it a joke and we laugh, because somewhere underneath it all we really don't think we do deserve the good things or only a wee little bit.
ugh again.

‎"Give, but do not allow yourself to be used; Love, but do not allow your heart to be abused; Trust, but do not be naive; Listen to others, but do not lose yourself."

Nice advice, but not always possible.  I don't know who owns this picture, but isn't it beautiful? It is something I think we are striving for.

No more Ughs? Stick them on a lower level and leave them there. If you are ugh-ing yourself, stop and give yourself a hug instead. Feels way better. LOL..thanks for listening as always. TTYL.

Alice, Where are You Going? Part II

"Alice, Where are you going?" 

"Upstairs, to take a bath"

Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe-raff-raff...

Alice pulled out the plug.

"Oh my goodness! Oh my soul! There goes Alice down the hole.."

"blub, blub, blub." 

What's For Dinner?

It is past the time I should be planning something for dinner. I don't care today..LOL. I will try to keep this light and cheery, but probably won't happen. Hopefully I will end up on a positive note.

I am angry today, pissed off, ticked, furious..emotions just raging to the roof and beyond. I am somewhat sick, have been running a fever on and off..slept through most of my morning. Everything is irritating me. My kids are sick also, and have been home all day. They slept most of the morning and woke up for lunch. Which ended up me making PB&J ...and ham for me..which, of course, my daughter had to have part of my  sandwich. I have to remind them to clean up their plates. Sigh, Mommy mode..listening to them practise bells, an electric piano and a percussion drum..oh hell no! done.

Making appointments, Renee's new counselor..of course she will have to miss school..great. Talking to the assistant's machine, yes the doc gave me a referral for a heart doc..and I lost the paper..call me?
Oops, wrong number..click., on-line rebate has expired while my printer took a dump..50 dollars out now..ouch! Talking to the pharmacy's machine, oops got 1 re-fill, have to go through the whole menu for another one.(*sigh) Insurance on line plan..oh hell I give up reading this crap..call me and tell me what form and how much it covers..therapy may be over sooner than next week. I hate talking on the phone, unless it is with a friend about something that actually matters. I only talked to one real person through that whole process.

This is my life...and today it sucks. The anger? I am mad that my kids are sick, mad that I am too..mad that I have friends who have small sicknesses like me and the kids today. I am even madder and sadder that some of them have cancer, or diabetes, or are facing death or other diseases/injuries. I am so mad that they have to endure pain/suffering, medical mysteries personally or for their loved ones. The best I can do is pray for them and send kind words. It just sure doesn't seem adequate.

Anger that I am stuck here, in a house that never want to clean itself and grows weeds in its rocks. That plants here die without a crazy watering system...that costs money and is easy to screw up. The weeds have it figured out...they thrive. I am so angry that I have no place to go, and no one to talk to in person. I have burdened enough of my fb friends with my issues, they have real lives and more normality. I am so not normal, never have been, never will be. I am a weed...a prickly, thorny Arizona one now...that will ooze sap if you try to pull it and make you bleed if you don't have gloves and will re-grow after you do anyway. Hah!

I want to run away(where?) or get messed up(with what?) been there, done that..knowing the next morning always comes. I am fed up with letting my obsessions rule me..no contact..my choice, not as some strange threat from someone who wants the whole world as a friend. But, who doesn't really have any idea how to be one. Am I crazy? Oh hell yeah, way off the deep end sometimes. But, it is now my choice to choose and the answer is not only no, but hell no, never. Get the freak out of my head..and my life..all you brought me was pain and shame. Truth may set you free... but hell the ride costs. I HAVE PAID THOSE DUES AND WILL CONTINUE TO PAY THEM.. Stay sober, my non-friend and watch out for the crazies..they might get you. Wishing you all the best for your continued success, lol. But, hmm...so not my business or problem, never was and never will be again. eff that! Your loss...not mine.

What? Sorry about the above, I had to let some of it out. I 'spark' on some people, and they end up being super special, the friends that i was always meant to find and have. Every 10 years or so, I fixate on someone..obsess..stalk..it is awful for me and them...or wondrous...for us both. The hard part is feeling so out of control ..I scare people. I scare myself sometimes, too. Lately it has been way too often. To my other friend who helped me, I am sorry I wasn't what you thought I was. No more respect? Yeah, I noticed that and passing the buck. That's why I have to rely on my own respect.  Everybody else's just doesn't last...or isn't strong enough. Nobody can "save" me but me..but thanks for listening and caring.

I am still so angry, angry that I hoped for more than what any of this turned out to be.  I am so mad at myself for letting my emotions, good and bad, override my common sense and erode away so much of my stability. Angry, for the moment at the past, present and future, not for just pain and despair..but for the promise of hope, love and peace. That hurts more when you realize your dreams are just dreams, and the next step?

The next level is letting go of the past, bit by bit. It is also holding on to your dreams of the future, but not letting yourself drift away with it. It is dealing with the present now. The anger focuses me and gives me energy. I got a lot done once I stopped fighting it. Maybe this is the 'wrong' way to deal, but it is kind of  the only solution I have.

"Highly emotive empath?" I feel people's emotions plus my own. We all do..mother's with children, actor's with an audience, a server with a customer, a salesman with a client..etc. I can also project my emotions back to people. Again, we all do..when we boo at a stadium or clap for a rousing speech, or even say thank you and mean it. This ability is highly tuned for me, as an addict, as a child-abuse survivor, as a server, as a mom and wife, as a reader...or writer. I hallucinated and almost passed out at the first concert I ever went to..overload. I make people uncomfortable with too much feedback sometimes, so I try to spread it around to a larger audience.

Being a recovering addict is way more than just not using if you want to be something better. My dad is a dry alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 50? some years..God and fanaticism replaced his booze. His God is also a complete a-hole. I consider my own "God" somewhat of a jerk at times. I feel everybody has to find their own answers to that question, and live with it in their own way.

My message from God  from FB today:

"that everyone mistakes the limits of their vision for the limits of the world. Have compassion for others when they cannot see what is obvious to you. Have compassion for yourself when you realize that you can see only a small part of God's vision for the world."

Anger is just so easy, compassion and forgiveness..(*sigh)

So for dinner, Max ended up making his ravioli's almost all by himself and I heated up Campbell's bean and bacon soup for Renee and me..a bit of soup and a salad. Ok, if any of my ex- Denny's friends read this part they will laugh. My salad, some sad ice burg lettuce, carrots, celery, green onion, feta cheese, black beans, Hunt's tomato sauce (spiced Mexican style with jalapeno, chili pepper,lime juice and cumin) and nacho cheese Doritos. It was actually kind of good, really. LOLOL

Thanks for listening and letting me vent, my therapy. Try to forgive yourself today for something, use the anger, don't let it use you. TTYAL

Balance is more than just not falling over

I guess I am writing every day. I have too much on my mind to post on FB..that is face book...for anyone who doesn't know me. LOL I had somebody ask me once to list all my addictions, past and present. Besides the ususals(drugs, sex, alchol) I still ended up with at least 10 e-mails, with multiple lists...yeah. I am an addict.

We are all addicts or at least born that way. WHAT? You disagree..you may be right but just hang on for a while. We are born as humans, completely helpless..we need food/water, shelter/clothing, and human care/love. The first two pairs are obvious, the last ? It has been proven over and over again that human touch is a need, not just a want. Babies need to be cuddled.

There are a few exceptions to this, autistic babies have the need, it is just too overwhelming for them. My daughter has Asperger's, so I do know a bit about that. She had severe colic and allergies for 6 months, plus she started teething at 3 months. She also had multiple ear infections, and was given amoxicillin, a lot. She reacted to everything, ibuprofen, tylenol, amoxicillin, ora-gel. One very unhappy baby and new parents that went a bit cuckoo. She did not want to be held, though she loved attention, but the only real relief was an electric bouncing chair, a swing, white noise, car rides at times, and benadryl, plus trial and error finding a formula she wasn't allergic too. Finding out at age 5 that she was allergic to the dye they put in the meds and not the meds themselves. Priceless.

So we all start out as addicts, and we find other things we like, not just need but like/love. Candy/sweets, toys, games, etc..and we stop at nothing to get what we desire..terrible 2's LOL. It is me..me..me ...I want...want...want. By 3-5 we have learned how to manipulate, bargain, and lie. We also hopefully start learning that there are other people in this world, sharing, love, consequences. Finally, we get that we can't always get what we want when we want it. There are people who know a hell of a lot more about this than I do.

Nicotine actually rewires your brain pathways, forever. I think for certain people, other chemicals do  the same thing for them..this is why  recovered alcoholics can't drink, or etc. for all those other "pleasure" drugs. They say marijuana isn't addictive, LOLOL for certain people it damn sure is..ask any pothead. I was one, still miss it. Alchol gets me drunk, I have no tolerance for it now. But I never know how I am going to react to it. I can get violently physically ill from a few sips or a whole bottle, blinding headaches, nausea, vomiting... or just get buzzed. In my 30's it started if I way indulged...OMG my hangovers started lasting 3 to 7 days, that's not just feeling bad, with extreme prejudice I used to call it. I finally gave up! I drink maybe once or twice a year at most, now and it has to taste good. I only have 1 or maybe 2 glasses..of whatever...and no desire to push it.

 I drank alcohol in my later 20's every day, and got high too if I could. The more wasted the better, I actually craved the taste of beer, or rum, or tequila knowing that at some point while I was drinking I would go throw up.. go eat something..and drink more. I never turned down getting high or a free drink..that was what I wanted. I was wasted every day on something for about 5 years...never got a DUI, or arrested, or any STD's. I had a lot of crazy fun, and met friends that I still love with my whole heart always. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's and went to school full-time at DeVry..where I met my present husband...near the end of this...when life became such a hell that I couldn't escape from it no matter how much I "used".

Now, I am fighting some of those cravings and addictions full-force, again... on-and-off and the emotional high/ lows..the meds I am on help. The people I talk to, my husband, number 1 and other friends... plus my kids, and now just 1 paid therapist. Every day is a challenge to keep my balance and recover it when I do fall over..which I do. Every day I seem to get back more of myself.  Yey, "we can make it better, stronger, faster.." OMG-LOL.

The next level, I am not to sure about..caffeine, nicotine, facebook..my present addictions plus a few others..chocolate! Living in reality, dealing with laundry, groceries, housework, cooking, a puppy, kids and being alone with very little money to play with...and nowhere to go. I need a job! Anyone hiring? LOLOL..have a great day and thanks for listening.

the next day after the next..

I am really quite tired and not even feeling that great. I should just go to bed, but knowing I won't stay asleep for very long is frustrating. Walking upsatirs to a queen-sized bed by myself always intensifies my loneliness. Today while not good or even great was better than yesterday, yesterday was bad.

Loneliness and depression are always companions. Somebody said the other day that they could never understand the depths of despair deep enough to want to kill themselves. I have faced that despair every single day of my life since I can remember. It, for the most part now, is usually a quick flash/ idea.. a joke to myself that I don't share. I can find it amusing, most would be horrified.

I wrote that last night and got about 5 hours of sleep, today I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. Kids off to school, washed, and fed..LOL. Puppy fed, watered, drugged....you have NO IDEA..he takes care of his own business. I just love the doggy door. Showered, dressed..though could have shaved the legs, if I hadn't left the razor outside the shower. Made lunch, brought in garbage cans, cleaned dishes, put away stuff, laundry. Talked to the hubby on the phone..:-) Face booked, but of course!

Nap time..the kids have early dissmissal every Wed. Hate it..also hate that the friend that blocked me is now out of my life for good. It still makes me exteremly sad/depressed, but resigned. It was all an obsession on my part. Trying to force a connection that he never wanted any part of. Was it because he was so against it that I became so crazy? Don't know, don't get it at all, and this is my mind and my actions we are talking about. I guess that is at least one reason I need a therapist. Now that the glue is starting to stick again and I feel more like myself..whew! I am the sanest crazy person I know..or LOLOL vice-versa.

Will talk again soon, not even sure why I am writing this for or to who..but thanks for listening whoever you are. Bye for now.

Peace my Friend

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, or trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart"..unknown.

It is 5AM...
I am not so sad that I couldn't sleep anymore. I love this time in the morning. I am sitting on my couch, feet up with a fresh brewed cup of coffee in one of my favorite black mugs in easy reach. I have a very warm sleepy puppy curled up next to me and a extra soft blanket that keeps the heat of my lap-top from being too intense. It isn't quiet, I can hear the hum of the pool filter motor  outside and the whir/thump of the clothes dryer upstairs. The house heater kicks on with forced air circulating and the coffee pot makes an occasional blurp/click. Ambient noise..I find it soothing.

This is when I feel peace, when I can shut out my troubles and worries and just be. It gives me that inner calm that I need for this moment. It is better than sleep, better than sex, better than any drug. I am at one with me..lol.. and feeling optimistic.. I can add the whole world and the universe. Universal peace..I think has occurred more often than we think, maybe only for a second or two..a small heartbeat. Not where everyone has found their inner core, but a small flash.. we are ok...and it hits every single person and living creature.

It doesn't last, of course..reality. I am getting hungry now, and somewhere across the globe somebody is dying from that same need. I am glad that I have food in my cupboards and fridge, and wish somehow that I could share it..but, not sure whether it is being realistic, selfish, maybe pragmatic..it isn't my problem. I've got mine for now, sorry world.

I also am craving a smoke, lol..addicts(*sigh) plus a re-fill of joe and a pee break..and to stretch out and walk around. Do hate to disturb the puppy..he makes complainy noises when I move him and then steals my seat. ahh..much better.

I have been told I am brave for writing this...lol. Thanks for the compliment, but it isn't quite being courageous. It is a feeling that is a cross between purging and making love. Emotions tend to rule an addict, from highs to lows, passion/despair. I was also told that I am loved. I am, what a beautiful feeling and I don't tend to doubt it very often. Self-love and respect is the harder goal, something I have  had to fight for to retain and develop. I think everyone has their own journey with this.

Today, I have decided it is get rid of clutter day..small scheduled bits of time to rid my house and soul of garbage that I just don't use..or want anymore. Will I end up throwing away something I needed or could have been useful? Yep..without a doubt..but the purge itself will outbalance that, lightening the load and giving peace a chance to find room in my heart and soul.

Taking this to the next level, I need my pain, my emotions, my self-doubts as does everybody. There is a physical condition where you can't feel physical pain. The tv show House did a major episode on it, it is a horrifying way to live. There is also a condition where you can't feel emotions either in yourself or from others, "psychopath" ring any bells? Beyond scary stuff..and self-doubts? We have all met the jack-ass(es) who just know they have all the answers for everything..LOL. Love to hate them..as they make it so easy.

I am who I am, still working on it. I think I will always have more questions than answers. My solutions may or may not work for you even if you wanted to try them. I am the sanest crazy person I know..and really "crazy" people scare the bejesus out of me. I am an addict, and will do my best to help others find peace, but also know that so many 'users' can not be trusted or believed. I am a mother, a wife, a woman, a friend, and a survivor so far..lolol or I wouldn't be writing this.

 Thanks for listening..ttyal. Comments are always welcome..;-)