Big Girls, don't cry..

I told myself no matter what I am not going to cry today. I did okay. I think I helped a friend out this morning. I hope it ends up being two friends. That would be a bonus. I didn't drink too much coffee, took my anti-deps, but no pain pills. I have been really craving a smoke, but no. I am still doing good, smoke-free. I took a shower, even shaved my legs. Which is hard to do when you have recently healed scar tissue. I finally started laundry, dishes and washed counters. All of this was back and forth between Facebook, my blog, other people's blogs and taking care of Jack.

My hubby got called into work, we had to cancel plans we had made. It bites. He was gone before I woke up. My kids didn't get up till 10:30-11. I know! I fed them lunch and even started on coupons and papers. I have known it was the anniversary of 9-11 since I woke up. It is a sad day, and one I will never forget. I just have had enough sadness, though. I don't want to cry anymore. Not for me, not for any of them, not for any reason. I am on 2 anti-depressants. You would think that would help? No.

I am boo-hooing like a baby, and I really don't even know why. Is it because I feel everybody's sadness? Or that I can barely have a 2 sentence conversation with either of my kids. I talk to the puppy more. Nobody really wants to talk on Facebook either. Though I did realize that I had made a public post private, hmm..maybe. I am not sure what I did. I also was tinkering with my blog on-and-off and updated a few things. I think some of that re-published stuff. Do you like it? The changes I mean.

I need more friends, real friends. I am so tired of talking to myself or the dog. I talk to my therapist but I pay him. I talk to my hubby too, but that is really messed up right now. My two friends I message the most, have their own lives, families and problems. My other FB friends help me balance it more but, damn.

I am lonely. That was what I said in my first blog and despite all my personal growth and what-not. I am still lonely and bored. I'll be okay, it is just that I don't want to be just okay or surviving. Some lasting internal joy would be nice. Something to do, wow I am such a whiner. Telling myself that really doesn't help at this point. I am still crying.

Ok. doing better, sorry. Maybe I need to up those happy pills some more. OMG-LOL. Went out and did retail therapy and got some great deals. Even though my hubby has been gone all day, it doesn't matter. Whatever. I am fine. Tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening TTYAL. My level has been to get off my pity party..and bug at least one of my kids. Laughing now.

Hell, I Don't Know Sh*t

LOL, hope you like the title. I have been having "days". Up, then down..life at its finest. I have more stories to write, observations on things. Have come to some conclusions, then realize that a lot of it is shite. The more you know the more you realize how much you don't and never will.

Everybody is posting on my Facebook about the death of Osama. I really don't care. I am glad that one "evil" dude is dead, I guess. I say "evil" in quotes as I don't believe everything the media says about anybody. My one friend posted, "Satan personified" uh-huh. I am so sad, that people are so happy about the death of anybody. I cried and still cry about the Twin Towers and 9-11, there were 4 planes that day. Osama being dead doesn't bring any of those people back to life. I remember how pissed off  Americans were about Arab people dancing in the streets that day. Now I see the opposite, Americans are dancing their happy joy dance of hate and retribution. The war continues..

I am not a "hippy love" freak either. I know how to shoot a gun. I am actually pretty good at it. There is people who I have hated. A small select few I still do, if they died it wouldn't be a big loss to hardly anybody. Funny, how those are the ones who seem to live the longest, true a-holes. If I had to kill someone to protect my friends and family, I wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger...or use whatever means I had at my disposal. People have died for way more stupid reasons than that. Always will.

I keep going back and forth between the thought that I have almost died so many times. WOW! I am still here..got to be a reason for it. I am trying to think of it as a gift and not a curse. I have my days..LOL.

I still have my goals for the year, expose child abuse/pet abuse. Lose weight/ exercise.. talk openly about drug, sex and alcohol addiction, run-aways, depression, mental illness and health. I had a friend tell me the other day that I have hope, and that is a start. To just keep doing what I am doing. My form of addiction scares the hell out of him. It scares the hell out of me too, even though I am cool with him as just a friend now. I have to laugh, because I really don't know what I am doing most of the time. I just care..and love..and feel. I am what I am, and that changes day-to-day on which part you will see.

I am ending with some quotes, that I hope make you think..what is your next step/level, where do you want to go?


 

"Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness"

-- Ray Bradbury (I think..not positive)

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless"

"Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." - Warren Buffet

My thought with all this is plant a tree, a real one or a seed of kindness and goodwill wherever you can. Show someone you care and mean it. It doesn't really matter what you know..it is how you live.

 

"Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

TTYAL ..have a beautiful sunshine day and thanks for listening.