I'm dying here..

I should be in bed asleep. I am tired, but I can't give in to it yet. I didn't take my sleepy pill either. I am dying for a glass of water , a cup of coffee. I would even appreciate a smoke. LOL, I am still clean and smoke-free..I can admit I loved to smoke. I miss it. But, I don't HAVE to anymore. Also knowing if I went and choked one down, that I would justify smoking more. No thanks.

My kids started school this week, it has gone very smoothly so far. This will not last. That isn't being pessimistic, that's reality. It has been very strange having my hubby here. Sweet, but just a bit confusing. My girlfriend is another element of helpful. She cheers me up just by being herself. She thinks my kids are brats. They do have their moments. LOL, she hasn't seen their good sides yet, really.

I am sleep-typing. Which is probably a pretty scary thing. I have my surgery, my third spigelian hernia repair, today..blah. I can't believe that drinking a bit of water is going to kill me here. But, sigh. I am so trying to behave. I am going to go upstairs soon and wash with their special soap. Then put on my freshly laundered outfit, and actually be ready to go. I wish I could take my lap-top with me. It would be cool to talk with my fb friends, blog or solitaire until it was time. But no.

I have so many things on my mind. My heart goes out to two of my nieces and that side of the family as both of them miscarried. Logically, I can understand how this happens. The amazing part is how well the entire miracle of birth really works, usually. Emotionally and spiritually now, it feels so raw and wrong, I hurt for their loss. It feels as if a part of my soul got torn away.

My daughter and son both got really emotional tonight. I realize that I complain endlessly about my kids, but I am still so amazed I have them. They trip me out. I don't think anyone can love them the same way that I can. Which is true but also silly, other people love and cherish them also. But, I'm their mom. Always. I can never explain that rush of emotion, it just is. You just have it, know it and feel it.

I'll be okay.

God has some purpose for me and I know it isn't finished yet.  It has barely started. So, I am not going to die. I am just going to be in pain and crabby for awhile. Or loopy, I hate/love pain meds. I am such a strange addict. ok, upstairs for awhile..this couch is too comfy. My favorite part will be waking up and being well enough to have my first cup of coffee. I hope you are reading this girlfriend.

TTYAL, and thanks for listening.

My quote for the week was

The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. - Yogi Bhajan   Because you/me are beyond price. 

Hug who? Hug Me...thanks.

After dithering around most of the morning, I realized I HAVE to write today and now. Otherwise, it will keep turning circles around in my head and I won't get anything done.

I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!

When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.

I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!

On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.

We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has  been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.

There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.

My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.

I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.

Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.

On this day, God wants you to know

... "that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not."

My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!