Peace my Friend

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, or trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart"..unknown.

It is 5AM...
I am not so sad that I couldn't sleep anymore. I love this time in the morning. I am sitting on my couch, feet up with a fresh brewed cup of coffee in one of my favorite black mugs in easy reach. I have a very warm sleepy puppy curled up next to me and a extra soft blanket that keeps the heat of my lap-top from being too intense. It isn't quiet, I can hear the hum of the pool filter motor  outside and the whir/thump of the clothes dryer upstairs. The house heater kicks on with forced air circulating and the coffee pot makes an occasional blurp/click. Ambient noise..I find it soothing.

This is when I feel peace, when I can shut out my troubles and worries and just be. It gives me that inner calm that I need for this moment. It is better than sleep, better than sex, better than any drug. I am at one with me..lol.. and feeling optimistic.. I can add the whole world and the universe. Universal peace..I think has occurred more often than we think, maybe only for a second or two..a small heartbeat. Not where everyone has found their inner core, but a small flash.. we are ok...and it hits every single person and living creature.

It doesn't last, of course..reality. I am getting hungry now, and somewhere across the globe somebody is dying from that same need. I am glad that I have food in my cupboards and fridge, and wish somehow that I could share it..but, not sure whether it is being realistic, selfish, maybe pragmatic..it isn't my problem. I've got mine for now, sorry world.

I also am craving a smoke, lol..addicts(*sigh) plus a re-fill of joe and a pee break..and to stretch out and walk around. Do hate to disturb the puppy..he makes complainy noises when I move him and then steals my seat. ahh..much better.

I have been told I am brave for writing this...lol. Thanks for the compliment, but it isn't quite being courageous. It is a feeling that is a cross between purging and making love. Emotions tend to rule an addict, from highs to lows, passion/despair. I was also told that I am loved. I am, what a beautiful feeling and I don't tend to doubt it very often. Self-love and respect is the harder goal, something I have  had to fight for to retain and develop. I think everyone has their own journey with this.

Today, I have decided it is get rid of clutter day..small scheduled bits of time to rid my house and soul of garbage that I just don't use..or want anymore. Will I end up throwing away something I needed or could have been useful? Yep..without a doubt..but the purge itself will outbalance that, lightening the load and giving peace a chance to find room in my heart and soul.

Taking this to the next level, I need my pain, my emotions, my self-doubts as does everybody. There is a physical condition where you can't feel physical pain. The tv show House did a major episode on it, it is a horrifying way to live. There is also a condition where you can't feel emotions either in yourself or from others, "psychopath" ring any bells? Beyond scary stuff..and self-doubts? We have all met the jack-ass(es) who just know they have all the answers for everything..LOL. Love to hate them..as they make it so easy.

I am who I am, still working on it. I think I will always have more questions than answers. My solutions may or may not work for you even if you wanted to try them. I am the sanest crazy person I know..and really "crazy" people scare the bejesus out of me. I am an addict, and will do my best to help others find peace, but also know that so many 'users' can not be trusted or believed. I am a mother, a wife, a woman, a friend, and a survivor so far..lolol or I wouldn't be writing this.

 Thanks for listening..ttyal. Comments are always welcome..;-)