Memorial Day..not just another 3-day week-end

Memorial Day is tomorrow..it is a very American holiday. I am sure every country has their own version of it, except maybe Switzerland. For those of us in the United States it is a three day week-end, for most a paid holiday off work. So Sat, Sun, Mon to go somewhere special, perhaps. Since it is the beginning of nicer weather in a majority of states, it means BBQ's, parades, picnics, getting together with friends and family. Since we are also not just the land of the free but capitalists, it also means shopping and bargains. Getting a good deal on a new mattress is the American way. It is also an excuse to party..however, wherever and whenever.

For me? Growing up outside of Mokena, IL. which was a small town out in the suburbs of the suburbs, we had a memorial parade. My two oldest brothers were in 7th and 8th grade and in band. We went "downtown" and they marched the main street through town. There was three cemeteries on the route and the band stopped at each one and they played Taps and did the gun salute. I always found it sad and chilling. My younger brother was very proud that he taught himself to play Taps on a bugle instead of a trumpet. (It is way harder) The melody still gives me internal tears and goosebumps to this day, haunting. The rifle salute always shocked me, never got used to it even though you knew it was going to happen. I used to wander through the graveyards and look at names and monuments. I always thought they were beyond beautiful, green and so peaceful.

I think there was a year before my sister started band, we went to Lockport that year. Lockport is right outside of Joliet and is where the majority of my Mom's family is from. We went to a cemetery where my Grandpa Strong and Uncle Melvin were buried. Melvin died in WWII, he was an Air Force pilot...there is some small mystery about how he died. Regardless, it was in service to his country. (Thank-you) There was a space for my Grandma at the time. I remember my Aunt Mary and Uncle Ken were with us. They are all there now, which I find comforting. They knew that is where they were going to be.

Back to Mokena, my sister was in band...then me. The weather, being the Mid-west was really hot, really cold, or raining/sleeting..there was snow on the ground at least once. After grade school, there was 4 more years of High school band, that was in New Lenox. Another slightly larger town, and a really long parade route..*sigh. My senior year, I got to march 5 miles and then go waitress for 9 hours and go to school the next day. After awhile I had to wrap Ace bandages around my ankles to keep the swelling down when I marched. Couldn't do it at work, as we still wore dress-style uniforms with nylons to show off our legs. LOL.

Being the daughter of a retired 20-year Army Master-Sergeant, I was raised to show respect. Not only to my elders, but to any and all serviceman and women, even officers. LOL. Memorial day is not Veteran's day or Armed Forces Day but a day to remember and honor those who died protecting our country..from the first soldiers in the Revolutionary War to the present messes we are in today. We are still at war, and there is a list of the dead every day. I thank a Vet or a military member today knowing that they are or were willing to serve and give up their daily freedom, and risk their lives so I can go have a steak on the grill, or go save 50% on a sale or go shoot a gun for fun. I send a prayer to all those who did die and their families, my small thank you is from my heart. I honor you by continuing to live, teaching my kid's respect and enjoying the freedoms I take for granted. This is the day to realize nothing is free, the price is paid and being paid in death, blood, sweat and tears. God Bless America! and in this country, it can be whatever God you worship or don't.

 I love being an American..<3 Thank you!

My mom's name is Beryl

It is Mother's Day..had some fun with it. Uploaded some pics, went to Denny's with the kids, got so many well wishes and wrote a small article on Facebook. I called my mom. This is hard for me as we aren't always comfortable talking about things. There are topics that are taboo..

My mom will not read this probably, my husband or kids don't either, my therapist read a couple..I am not sure how many. My brother doesn't either, *sigh. LOL, it is really okay.

There is many things I could write here but I am just going to share two memories. One is my Grandma Strong, we lived with her for a few months after we moved to the US. I was 6 1/2..she scared me at first. She was old, all the old people I had seen up to this point were Greek. I think they hide their age better..my grandma was German, with fair skin and green eyes...and a big hairy mole on her chin. I swore it was alive..like it's own little animal.

I inherited that same damn "beauty" mark, as did my sis and mom..mine (eww..I remove the hairs from) Hate it. My mom and my sister got the brilliant green eyes, I got hazel...which change colors according to my moods and what I am wearing. I passed this color on to my son.

My grandma is in the middle, my mom next to her..the rest are my blood aunts and uncles, two of which have passed on.

My grandma Strong was the only one who ever stood up to my dad, ever. He was going to punish one of us for something..I don't remember her exact words, but it was to the effect. "You are living under my roof, and you will respect my wishes and not touch that child." I think she was the only one he ever respected. It was quite a reprieve for all of us..God I loved her, and still miss her and her world-class apple pie. She passed away when I was in jr. high at the age of 82, I think.

The next picture is of my Mom and Dad going to the Marine Ball, it was 1969..I was 5. I remember she made this dress, it was sparkly gold, and was utterly fascinated that she spray-painted a pair of pumps to match. I was the youngest of four, you can't tell from this picture..she was 39.

My mom was beautiful, movie-star gorgeous, with dark-brown hair, big green eyes and olive skin..the only make-up she ever wore was red lipstick.

There is so much pain, grief, and other emotions about my mom. I wish it had been so different. I regret that both of us had to suffer through so much pain.  I was not an easy child, none of us were..and she had a lot of issues and still does. But for this day, I had the most beautiful mom ever...and I loved her and still do. Happy Mother's day. Beryl is a semi-precious stone and should be cherished.

To Beer, or not to Beer..

Sometimes I know or have some general idea of what I am going to write about. Tonight? No. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my brain that it is hard to latch on to just one.

Yesterday was such a great day, and then it nose-dived. I accepted a beer from a friend, knowing full well that I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time. I drink so rarely that yes, one beer does affect me a bit. It doesn't help that the prescription meds I am on aren't supposed to be mixed with alcohol. That part of it doesn't worry me that greatly. I've used and abused a lot of "mixes". I also watched my husband mix Vicodin and beer for years. I find it amusing in a sad way that he doesn't remember this or how hard it was for him to break that habit. The bad part is I am now buzzed and all the little stinging bee thoughts come circling around.

The choices come next, who, what, where, when and how. I am alone as usual, I talk to my God and it helps. I talk to a friend, and keep my control which helps a small bit more. I do not go over and ask for more dark beer..whew! I do not go over and flirt with married men who like to see me drunk and whose wives are not home. My own husband is asleep or passed out. I don't like my hubby's beer, blcch. I also know I do not want to mix beer with any of the alcohol I have in stock. So, I am staying home, I am not going to get drunk. I have children to wake up to take care of in the morning. I up one of my prescription meds..I am only on 1/2 dosages. I have "permission" from the doc for this..if I need to sleep he says take a whole pill. I eye up the whole bottle...no, Renee and Max. My kids and my former job taught me this small control for many years. I am an adult, I have a choice.

I wake up at 5 am with a small headache and later I take a picture of the dawn and post it on Face book. A new day, a new sunrise..

I haven't blogged for a few days as I was struggling with why I am writing this. My motives are selfish, this is my therapy and is way cheaper than my therapist... lol. Though I am going to start printing it for him. If someone else finds help or a new understanding from my words, awesome! That I have reader's excites me and humbles me at the same time.

My next level? I made it through another day, and another..there is good and bad things that happened in both. Sometimes, all that you can manage is one day. It is okay, I am not superwoman.  Sometimes it comes down to a yes or no and eliminating all the maybes. I hope and pray for the someday that this is not even a struggle or if it is a thought, I can laugh about it. I have been there before, I will find it again.TTYAL Thanks for reading.

What's For Dinner?

It is past the time I should be planning something for dinner. I don't care today..LOL. I will try to keep this light and cheery, but probably won't happen. Hopefully I will end up on a positive note.

I am angry today, pissed off, ticked, furious..emotions just raging to the roof and beyond. I am somewhat sick, have been running a fever on and off..slept through most of my morning. Everything is irritating me. My kids are sick also, and have been home all day. They slept most of the morning and woke up for lunch. Which ended up me making PB&J ...and ham for me..which, of course, my daughter had to have part of my  sandwich. I have to remind them to clean up their plates. Sigh, Mommy mode..listening to them practise bells, an electric piano and a percussion drum..oh hell no! done.

Making appointments, Renee's new counselor..of course she will have to miss school..great. Talking to the assistant's machine, yes the doc gave me a referral for a heart doc..and I lost the paper..call me?
Oops, wrong number..click., on-line rebate has expired while my printer took a dump..50 dollars out now..ouch! Talking to the pharmacy's machine, oops got 1 re-fill, have to go through the whole menu for another one.(*sigh) Insurance on line plan..oh hell I give up reading this crap..call me and tell me what form and how much it covers..therapy may be over sooner than next week. I hate talking on the phone, unless it is with a friend about something that actually matters. I only talked to one real person through that whole process.

This is my life...and today it sucks. The anger? I am mad that my kids are sick, mad that I am too..mad that I have friends who have small sicknesses like me and the kids today. I am even madder and sadder that some of them have cancer, or diabetes, or are facing death or other diseases/injuries. I am so mad that they have to endure pain/suffering, medical mysteries personally or for their loved ones. The best I can do is pray for them and send kind words. It just sure doesn't seem adequate.

Anger that I am stuck here, in a house that never want to clean itself and grows weeds in its rocks. That plants here die without a crazy watering system...that costs money and is easy to screw up. The weeds have it figured out...they thrive. I am so angry that I have no place to go, and no one to talk to in person. I have burdened enough of my fb friends with my issues, they have real lives and more normality. I am so not normal, never have been, never will be. I am a weed...a prickly, thorny Arizona one now...that will ooze sap if you try to pull it and make you bleed if you don't have gloves and will re-grow after you do anyway. Hah!

I want to run away(where?) or get messed up(with what?) been there, done that..knowing the next morning always comes. I am fed up with letting my obsessions rule me..no contact..my choice, not as some strange threat from someone who wants the whole world as a friend. But, who doesn't really have any idea how to be one. Am I crazy? Oh hell yeah, way off the deep end sometimes. But, it is now my choice to choose and the answer is not only no, but hell no, never. Get the freak out of my head..and my life..all you brought me was pain and shame. Truth may set you free... but hell the ride costs. I HAVE PAID THOSE DUES AND WILL CONTINUE TO PAY THEM.. Stay sober, my non-friend and watch out for the crazies..they might get you. Wishing you all the best for your continued success, lol. But, hmm...so not my business or problem, never was and never will be again. eff that! Your loss...not mine.

What? Sorry about the above, I had to let some of it out. I 'spark' on some people, and they end up being super special, the friends that i was always meant to find and have. Every 10 years or so, I fixate on someone..obsess..stalk..it is awful for me and them...or wondrous...for us both. The hard part is feeling so out of control ..I scare people. I scare myself sometimes, too. Lately it has been way too often. To my other friend who helped me, I am sorry I wasn't what you thought I was. No more respect? Yeah, I noticed that and passing the buck. That's why I have to rely on my own respect.  Everybody else's just doesn't last...or isn't strong enough. Nobody can "save" me but me..but thanks for listening and caring.

I am still so angry, angry that I hoped for more than what any of this turned out to be.  I am so mad at myself for letting my emotions, good and bad, override my common sense and erode away so much of my stability. Angry, for the moment at the past, present and future, not for just pain and despair..but for the promise of hope, love and peace. That hurts more when you realize your dreams are just dreams, and the next step?

The next level is letting go of the past, bit by bit. It is also holding on to your dreams of the future, but not letting yourself drift away with it. It is dealing with the present now. The anger focuses me and gives me energy. I got a lot done once I stopped fighting it. Maybe this is the 'wrong' way to deal, but it is kind of  the only solution I have.

"Highly emotive empath?" I feel people's emotions plus my own. We all do..mother's with children, actor's with an audience, a server with a customer, a salesman with a client..etc. I can also project my emotions back to people. Again, we all do..when we boo at a stadium or clap for a rousing speech, or even say thank you and mean it. This ability is highly tuned for me, as an addict, as a child-abuse survivor, as a server, as a mom and wife, as a reader...or writer. I hallucinated and almost passed out at the first concert I ever went to..overload. I make people uncomfortable with too much feedback sometimes, so I try to spread it around to a larger audience.

Being a recovering addict is way more than just not using if you want to be something better. My dad is a dry alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 50? some years..God and fanaticism replaced his booze. His God is also a complete a-hole. I consider my own "God" somewhat of a jerk at times. I feel everybody has to find their own answers to that question, and live with it in their own way.

My message from God  from FB today:

"that everyone mistakes the limits of their vision for the limits of the world. Have compassion for others when they cannot see what is obvious to you. Have compassion for yourself when you realize that you can see only a small part of God's vision for the world."

Anger is just so easy, compassion and forgiveness..(*sigh)

So for dinner, Max ended up making his ravioli's almost all by himself and I heated up Campbell's bean and bacon soup for Renee and me..a bit of soup and a salad. Ok, if any of my ex- Denny's friends read this part they will laugh. My salad, some sad ice burg lettuce, carrots, celery, green onion, feta cheese, black beans, Hunt's tomato sauce (spiced Mexican style with jalapeno, chili pepper,lime juice and cumin) and nacho cheese Doritos. It was actually kind of good, really. LOLOL

Thanks for listening and letting me vent, my therapy. Try to forgive yourself today for something, use the anger, don't let it use you. TTYAL

Wet Mud

"You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

 This was a post from a new friend from my Face book..so sweet! We are all more..it isn't a+b= x-y   not for life. The equation, which I am sure there is one.. is so complex and out of  our range of scope ...and is constantly changing and evolving. That's why I love the music, music is mathematical, but also very very human and filled with the sound of the world we live in. Even hearing-impaired people can feel it...especially a live performance.

I worked at the Rosemont for a little while, not that much fun really, our beer stand had a bad location under the stairs. I had to laugh at all the people though, the fact that a Sinatra concert had the majority of the crowd take the elevator...for 1 floor and everyone wanted wine, instead of beer. That a Queensryche concert gave us a 1 beer minimum..it was ususally 4(?)..and a personal cop checking IDs. They went up the stairs 2 at a time or more..lol or down the banister and into the wall. That a concert, didn't know the group.. for Mexican-Americans brought more people with familia dressed in the craziest clothes I have ever seen and the best tip money ever..with the nicest manners and biggest enthusiasm. The band rocked..!

You remake yourself piece by piece every day, sometimes large..I am NOT going to jump off this bridge, sometimes small..I am going to build a leggo bridge with my toddler..so he can knock it over again and again. He laughs every single time, and in a few more years he won't remember..but he will know your laugh. A small bit of music he has heard and associates with fun, excitement and love.

 Problems, mistakes, choices...we all screw up. Sometimes we don't get caught and get away with it, sometimes our best deeds are unintentional. I smiled at the little old lady not because she was sweet, which she was... but because I had just found 20 bucks..mine, mine, mine. That maybe was the only smile she had gotten for weeks, and cheered her for days..who knows?

I re-made myself..from where I started..and re-made myself again...and again..and again..not changing the whole me, but trying to find a me I could look at and accept, respect, like. I did okay, far from perfect, but okay..now I am finding ways to integrate all those past selves into one whole person without the fear, or embarrassment, or stigma's. LOL, and still keep a sense of humor about the journey and the process..

The next level? I am not giving too many details yet, there are other people I still protect. But as a whole or for me, it doesn't take much effort to smile on purpose, to stop looking at your watch, to look at a sunset, to forgive the old lady at Wal-greens who can't scan 2 items without getting confused..to eat a healthy salad, go for a walk, to turn off the TV, X-box, Wii, etc and give your kids a hug..they will not reciprocate. lol, yet. Paying it forward and sideways..never knowing where it might lead. You are more than.. aren't we all?