Hug who? Hug Me...thanks.

After dithering around most of the morning, I realized I HAVE to write today and now. Otherwise, it will keep turning circles around in my head and I won't get anything done.

I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!

When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.

I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!

On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.

We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has  been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.

There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.

My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.

I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.

Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.

On this day, God wants you to know

... "that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not."

My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

Am I very far now?

Hi, it's me..I don't know how long this video will play or if it will at all. It's Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla..the song asks, "tell me all your thoughts on God. 'cause I'd really like to meet him/her..

Love this song, always have. It has been going through my head for a day and a half now since a friend posted it. My thoughts on God..hmm. I have already irked a lot of God or church people with my beliefs. I respect theirs, they think I am missing something or feel like I am lacking. At first, I was really wondering if I was..LOL. See my post WTH.

Most God and religion talk creep me out. Some actually makes me nauseous and some of it makes me madder than hell. For example, there was a post that this lady put up a while back how a real shepherd breaks the legs of a wandering sheep and carries it back to the fold and cares for it, lovingly and tenderly until it heals. She then compared this to Christ and his being our true shepherd and how... OH HELL, NO, I thought I was going to upchuck. Lady, you really really scare me. Plus, I had visions of Stephen King's book/movie "Misery".

I am not a "sheeple." There is enough people, masses out their with blind devotion to their faith, whatever it may be. This is how rulers ruled for many years, religious or otherwise. The God was King and vice-versa. It is also how 'cults' operate, how fanatic's are born and  what motivates suicide bombers/terrorists...Holy Wars, The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, the Holocaust, the mass murder of a whole lot of "brown" people, Bosnia, Serbia, the decimation of the American Indian, the colonization of too many people to list, Jonestown...the list goes on and on and on. Fear, terror, pain, guilt, suffering, disobedience..death to the heretic and all that crap.

There's another bible quote, "spare the rod, spoil the child" people have been using this as an excuse to beat the crap out of each generation, and the next one and the next for their own "spiritual" enlightenment, ever since this version was published. I am quoting from someone else, don't know who, but the original Hebrew meaning of the word "rod" was about learning/wisdom/teaching. Books were written on papryus or hides and rolled on "rods". So by sparing the rod, meant you weren't teaching your kids. Huh, right? True too, how else are they going to learn?

I have talked about praying before. I pray all the time, sometimes with specific names and questions..sometimes just complaining, sometimes for the whole world or at other times for a stubbed toe. My God is always with me, always has been, always will be. I find this incredibly comforting. I, also didn't realize that for a very long time. I didn't always listen either, knowing and regretted it. Other times, I blinded myself with self-hate, loathing, fear, guilt, anger and unleashed it on people and myself. I still struggle with this, my kids, my hubby, certain friends have seen me lose it. I have a nasty temper at times. A saint I so am not.

Having endured hours of forced kneelings and seeing others in pain because of it, prayers said aloud that were personal condemnations, being told to go pray as a punishment. I find the concept "on my knees" umm, ugh. I'd rather laugh at the sexual innuendo's. LOL, sorry if you find that shocking or disrespectful, Who the hell do you think designed our bodies and made sex pleasurable? OMG! indeed. My prayers are for me, and I share my prayers sometimes with others, for others..I don't always ask the right questions and know at times that I don't or can't see the whole picture.

I believe in Evil, big and little as I have seen my own personal version of it. Done my own contribution to this, I have lied, cheated, stole, killed, maimed, sometimes intentionally. Some of my current struggles are from the "hell's" of my past, some I had no control over, and some I did or had done. I have read about, lol, of course..big and little evil's in the world...past and present. I still find it appalling that American's are the only country to have dropped live "nukes' on two cities. I think so many people didn't know what it meant, I am hoping. For those who yell "nuke 'em" now..are morons. Educate yourself.. Hiroshima, look at the pictures, read the stories and the tales of the survivors..and the generational permanent genetic damage.

Awwh, hell I am getting "preachy". Hate that. My God and my beliefs have made me the person I am today and it is an on-going process. I see God everywhere, in Nature and people, and animals. I also find it a positive and up-lifting experience. When I say, God help me, he does..to get through unbelievable pain...mental, emotional and physical. He also sings with humor, joy, beauty and laughter..my kid's laughter, a warm puppy on my lap, my husband's embrace, a friend's hello.

My God has a sense of humor..I think the Devil does too, but opposite. The kind of humor that is only funny because it hurts someone else. I think you know what I am talking about.

Will I call my own Dad tomorrow for Father's Day? *sigh, I don't know. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. He tries very hard to keep any of the religious stuff out of the conversation. Otherwise, I'll say bye and hang up. He makes lame jokes which I laugh at, think Reader's Digest version. He will tell me about his medical problems, and my sister or brother's and their kids, maybe. He will get all choked up and tell me, he loves me and then get gruff and hand me over to my Mom. I do love them and I tell them so and mean it. They want/need to hear it, but wow, it is such a mess.

I also believe that this isn't the only dimension, or we that we are the only people in it. These are my opinions, and beliefs, I always welcome comments. I don't really want you to believe what I believe. eww! I want everyone to always question their own beliefs. I think God can handle it, and is waiting for us to.  I will talk about more another day..the Bible, Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Buddha, maybe...LOL. Awhh, Jack, really?.. fart, stinky puppy. Thanks for listening.

The song ends with, "am I very far now?(from God)" You feel it, hear it, know it.