spinning wheel ride

I am in a mood..hard to describe. I have had the flu(?) for the past couple of days. I slept more than I have in weeks. Not quite over it either, damn headache and major queasiness, plus I am still exhausted. Bone-weary tired..the sleep doesn't make you feel better. It just feels like the only choice available.

Had some fun with the end-of -the world fiasco. The posts about it were hysterical for the most part. I got a lot of laughs out of it. I know I am not anywhere near to being Raptured. I am not very worried about it. Heaven as my next stop? Perhaps, I don't fear death, living is hard enough. I know without any doubt that the next step will be better. I am not sure exactly what is waiting for me, but it will be way way better. Personal revelation? Maybe, I always get a calm peaceful feeling about it. I have almost died so many times, maybe this is my answer. I do know my number isn't up yet and it won't be by my own hand. Plus, I have to annoy my kids for at least a few years more.

I applied for a job, I don't think I will get it. Even though I have 17+ years working for the company, most of the people filling out work papers were very young, cute and skinny. If they do call me I will apologize, for now though...hmm, no. My week is filled with appointments, for me, my daughter, my son, even the puppy. The last day of school is Thursday. Have I said this before? I hate summer vacation. It will become very very hot here, and there is not much to do on a limited budget. We swim, and go out to eat..seems like there should be more fun than that. There is nothing within walking distance and no shade. The older towns have trees and palms that provide this..Queen Creek has tons of trees and landscaping..they just aren't very tall or full.

Ok, I am done whining for awhile..maybe.

My Fb friends keep me balanced, there is more to life than the mini-verse I live in. Have I cut down on my usage? yes. As much as I should? no. Now would be a great time to stop smoking as I can't breathe anyway..shazbot. The illness has reminded me so much that I can't eat whatever I want without severe repercussions. No dairy, no fried foods, limited fat, limited meat, foods in natural states as opposed to junk...I did this for years..and was a lot thinner too. LOl.

Small steps, listening to my kids instead of talking at them. Putting myself out there, I am thinking about signing up for an art class. I do have a few more ideas but another time, perhaps. I need another nap. Hoping you find your levels today and pray for where you should head next. A friend reminded me, that it shouldn't be about me, me, me. Everyone needs to find their own higher power..whatever it may be.

 I also owe one very important lady a personal message, haven't forgotten, still thinking on it. Love you.

Aaargh! I hate being sick, enough for now..you all have a great kick-ass day. :-) TTYAL thanks for listening.

Daffy Was the One With a Bill

If I start writing this , I probably won't go back to sleep. That idea is still a possibility...it is 3:33 am..my alarm is set for 6..but 6:33 is still doable. Hmm..nope, guess not. I shouldn't have made coffee.

My hubby is home, arrived yesterday right after me and the kids came back from dinner and grocery shopping. I was proud of myself that I had already started homemade chicken noodle. My poor honey has the flu, which I gave him last week.  I was even happier that I did buy the rotisserie chicken. It finished it off nicely. I am really hoping his strain hasn't mutated..or that he ends up with pneumonia, again. He has a history with that. I had a boss that had the same problem, she developed it anytime she caught a cold. All I can say to that one is karma is a bitch sometime. I told you I wasn't a saint...LOL.

I am not sure who me or my husband wronged in a previous life. We have had a bit more than our fair share of medical issues...and now can add psychological ones as well. I have always believed mind, body, and soul are intertwined. With my present therapy this becomes truer every day. I can't explain the techniques we use and am not going to even try to. It really does help, so far. Though I still think psychology is a necessary "evil"  kind of dirty science. So all therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists etc. are a bit suspect and shady...especially when they are being nice. I laugh here.

I love Sociology. It is so much cleaner and clear-cut. I had a beyond awesome teacher for it, and while I could use a review. I have used it,  over and over in my life and seen it in action, first hand. I love the idea of being a circle and having everything  interact with circles, friends, family, neighborhood, interests. Face book is a big social global circle and keeps expanding..that makes me smile. Even if it is run by 'evil' aliens who force changes that nobody likes, wants or understands..OMG, lol. I could do without the virus attacks there too.

I saw a cardiologist on Wednesday..really really liked him which helps. My low blood pressure is still having its occasional drops..which makes no sense as I practically live on caffeine..for years and years. I have been addicted to nicotine for over 30 years. I crave sweets/sugar and salt..olives, pickles, pepperocini are my top favorite foods, plus nuts, sesame anything, and sunflower seeds. Chocolate is its own food group, and "white" chocolate is a fake and not included. Blcch! My b.p. should be through the roof. Instead, I barely make it over a 100 for the top reading. He said all the drugs I played with may have damaged my heart. Huh! Who would have thought..! Or that I already had some type of damage that I was born with. Go figure. Tests..always more tests..the one requires no food, drink, including coffee, or any drugs/smokes for at least 6 Hours prior..some parts are 24. Wow.. still don't know about that one.

Of course this all costs. I have already met my deductible for the year, and have to get pre-approval on everything else. It is February. I am not sure what the cap is..*sigh. I really can't afford to be crazy or ill. Donations are welcome, jk, lolol.. kind of. I admit I am whining a bit. I am so thankful I don't have cancer, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, epilepsy, etc. there is a very big long list. I know or knew people who do/did. Some died from their conditions. God rest their souls...I miss them. Some fight daily against chronic pain/ and a whole plethora of evil symptoms. I pray for them.

My first hernia surgery was without insurance and cost us $50,000. I still think the surgeon took out my appendix so he could charge more. Jerk! It took us almost 7 years to pay it off...plus other medical for me, my hubby and kids. Now we are paying off a pool. I'd rather pay for the pool, much more fun and useful.

The next level? Oh bite me..no, not really. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everyone healthy on all levels. Physical, mental, and spiritual..it's a wish. The world would end up being very boring or hmm... not even sure. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

Daffy was the one with the bill, Elmer was the one with a gun, and Bugs..Bugs Bunny was always the smart one or the smart-ass. Lol, maybe it was all those carrots.."What's up, Doc?"

Thanks for reading as always, TTYAL  Good health and prosperity to you all.

I am so sick and tired...of being sick and...

Today I feel like crap. God, I am so sick and tired of being so sick and tired. LOL. I have the flu, or the remnants of it anyway.

 Getting my hubby back off to UT isn't complicated. I love him one final time, feed him an egg-cheese-and-sausage sandwich. Then, make a pile of food he needs to take with him, his bread, cheese, condiments and the left-over ribs with a bottle of bbq sauce. Then, it is just small reminders.."yes, dear.. all clean jeans are in the laundry room, just grab clean underwear and socks from your drawer" etc. He does the same thing, in his own way. "Yes, honey..I'll mail those bills tomorrow and cash the expense check, ok."Timing isn't essentially critical when you have a 10-12 hour drive ahead of you..Though, it is not altogether safe to drive at night where he is headed. He whacked 2 deers last year. I affectionately call him the "slayer".

We both avoid emotion, it is just routine and polite..we have done this too many times. Neither of us wants him to go, and there is no choice, bills need to be paid. We have shared these past few days, now it is time to shut that part down and get back to "normal" mode without him. I am barely able to function today though. WTH! Normally I go into a bit of a slide, funk, depression, mood...on the days he leaves. The kids do too. Today? I am ill, headache, nausea, diarrhea, chest pain, breathing problems, sore throat, achiness, general malaise and apathy. But all of the above is gradual, and not severe..some of which are a "normal" part of my life. It takes me all day, even after a nap..to remember I still have the flu.

I don't think this is "fair"..it is just  'not right'. I have so many other "issues" (left turn here, every time I say that word, I do want to laugh..box of tissues anyone?) Getting a virus on top of it all..LOLOL..I am cursed, bogeyed, jinxed, hexed, or receiving my bad karma waves back 3-fold. Ouch! I also have medicine head, very fuzzy and can't think straight.

My medical history reads like a map from hell..other's have or have had it 10 to 100 times worse, so I try not to have a pity party for myself. Besides, after an intial "Oh, hope you feel better soon" and "so glad it isn't happening to me (internal thought)" it gets boring and tiresome to hear and talk about...or even think about.

I have to make an appointment to see a heart specialist next week. I was supposed to do it the week before or was it the week before that? I don't want to. Not for the normal reasons, I am not really afraid of a fatal diagnosis. That would be too easy. I am more worried that they won't find anything, all tests will be "a-ok, with-in normal parameters." I used to get furious and upset when they said my medical symptoms were all in my head. Now, uh-huh..has a lot to do with it. But, I have said this before..are you really a hypochondriac, if there is actually something wrong with you? The doctors have been wrong so many times before..*sigh.

The next level? Healthcare in the US sucks or is the best in the world. It depends on who you are and how much you make..the middle class pay the highest percentage for the smallest reward. The lowest income get care, some beyond excellent.  The majority of it.. day-to-day care is institutionalized, beaucratic, and de-personalized. You don't want to be a zebra.

To flu or not to flu..sorry, apologize for that one..I am getting tired. Have a good night/day and stay well my friends. TTYAL.