Hi.
I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed the past couple of weeks. I don't know. I have my hernia surgery coming up on Wed. *Sigh, I don't want to do it. I know it won't fix anything, really. I am hoping I am wrong. I also have suicidal thoughts come out, maybe this will finally be it. I won't wake up and that will be that. Or in my overwrought imagination, I have some soap opera ending where I die and if they had just done this instead. lolol..oh-blah.
It has been sweet having my hubby home. I have been so tired though. I slept eight hours two nights in a row and still ended up taking a nap today and yesterday. Shaking my head, it is very hard to get anything done when you are asleep all the time. It has felt very good though. I was sleeping in naps again before that. I hate that..a couple hours here and there. Its awful.
It feels so weird to not be smoking. I forget. I remember. I crave it really bad sometimes. I can talk myself out of it so far. Other times, hmm..I used to panic when I didn't know where my smokes were or was missing a lighter or was running low or out. The panic is gone, I can look back on it sort of how you would look at a goldfish just put in a new bowl. He's swimming around all crazy. I feel sorry for that fish, was that fish, but it isn't me anymore. It is very very strange.
I am still an addict. I have been slowing down on Facebook. I haven't been blogging as much. Though, I have been reading other peoples blogs. I guess some of that tripped me a bit. There are people who write extremely well. I don't quite know how I write. It changes depending on who, what, where, why and how. Sort of like me, I don't always remember what I wrote or what I said. I need reminders or references. My punctuation is terrible. I have run-ons and fragments and..oh well. I felt less-than.
That has become an all to uncomfortable creepy feeling lately. That I am less-than, because I am an addict or admit that I have mental issues of depression and anxiety. Or that I am cash-poor and in debt, with no job and my husband supporting me. That does really bother me. That I am less-than because I am not thin, and in shape and have never worn a bikini in public...and never will. That my parents never had money to send me to a real dentist very often and couldn't afford braces. My teeth are crooked. My son's teeth are really gnarly, that will be the next big expense.
The less-than is all in my head. It is how I have been perceiving myself. For shame..I know. I have done so much and come so far..and as I told my daughter today. It matters. Life matters. Love matters. What I do or don't do does make a difference somewhere, to somebody. Myself for one. God? Mmmhhmm..I would think so, my friends, families, strangers, etc. Anybody I come into contact with, one way or another. I have the choice to hold my head up or be embarrassed by my own judgement. Ha!
I make mistakes, I lie sometimes, I fudge a bit on the whole truth at times. I have stolen.. I have so much in my past..lolol. I have so much I face right now every day. It is very hard being me. Why? Because I am at war with myself usually. Other times it is so easy where everything just falls into place without much effort and wow! I love those kind of days.
I am going to go get some sleep now, and I am letting God take over on this surgery. It will be what it will be. I am really happy my gf is coming into town, and it will be nice to just relax and chill. Tomorrow I will try to push my energy level a bit more, but I am ok now. Not less than or more than, just me. Good night.
I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed the past couple of weeks. I don't know. I have my hernia surgery coming up on Wed. *Sigh, I don't want to do it. I know it won't fix anything, really. I am hoping I am wrong. I also have suicidal thoughts come out, maybe this will finally be it. I won't wake up and that will be that. Or in my overwrought imagination, I have some soap opera ending where I die and if they had just done this instead. lolol..oh-blah.
It has been sweet having my hubby home. I have been so tired though. I slept eight hours two nights in a row and still ended up taking a nap today and yesterday. Shaking my head, it is very hard to get anything done when you are asleep all the time. It has felt very good though. I was sleeping in naps again before that. I hate that..a couple hours here and there. Its awful.
It feels so weird to not be smoking. I forget. I remember. I crave it really bad sometimes. I can talk myself out of it so far. Other times, hmm..I used to panic when I didn't know where my smokes were or was missing a lighter or was running low or out. The panic is gone, I can look back on it sort of how you would look at a goldfish just put in a new bowl. He's swimming around all crazy. I feel sorry for that fish, was that fish, but it isn't me anymore. It is very very strange.
I am still an addict. I have been slowing down on Facebook. I haven't been blogging as much. Though, I have been reading other peoples blogs. I guess some of that tripped me a bit. There are people who write extremely well. I don't quite know how I write. It changes depending on who, what, where, why and how. Sort of like me, I don't always remember what I wrote or what I said. I need reminders or references. My punctuation is terrible. I have run-ons and fragments and..oh well. I felt less-than.
That has become an all to uncomfortable creepy feeling lately. That I am less-than, because I am an addict or admit that I have mental issues of depression and anxiety. Or that I am cash-poor and in debt, with no job and my husband supporting me. That does really bother me. That I am less-than because I am not thin, and in shape and have never worn a bikini in public...and never will. That my parents never had money to send me to a real dentist very often and couldn't afford braces. My teeth are crooked. My son's teeth are really gnarly, that will be the next big expense.
The less-than is all in my head. It is how I have been perceiving myself. For shame..I know. I have done so much and come so far..and as I told my daughter today. It matters. Life matters. Love matters. What I do or don't do does make a difference somewhere, to somebody. Myself for one. God? Mmmhhmm..I would think so, my friends, families, strangers, etc. Anybody I come into contact with, one way or another. I have the choice to hold my head up or be embarrassed by my own judgement. Ha!
I make mistakes, I lie sometimes, I fudge a bit on the whole truth at times. I have stolen.. I have so much in my past..lolol. I have so much I face right now every day. It is very hard being me. Why? Because I am at war with myself usually. Other times it is so easy where everything just falls into place without much effort and wow! I love those kind of days.
I am going to go get some sleep now, and I am letting God take over on this surgery. It will be what it will be. I am really happy my gf is coming into town, and it will be nice to just relax and chill. Tomorrow I will try to push my energy level a bit more, but I am ok now. Not less than or more than, just me. Good night.
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