I Can...

The question was: Do you have a life plan? My answer was: You'd think everyone would or at least should. I don't. I am thinking about it.

I do have short-term goals, and longer range goals and a few action plans in place. The whole fight for my sanity really changed me and continues. This is a daily battle, I think I am improving and getting, where? That's why I need to figure out my life plan. I have a few ideas roaming around in my brain. This blog helps me pin them down and focus.

My life plan as a kid was to turn 18 and leave home. I managed that, 1/2 by accident and 1/2 by chaos and another part as who knows? I know that adds up to more than..life is not equal or fair. My life goal after I was 19 and left home (forever this time) alternated between survival, being a success, total panic, to getting as wasted and f**ked up as possible. The more I lived, the more pain, the more I screwed up, the more I hated myself..my life goal was to die before I was 30. I failed at that too....whoops! Though I came really really close so many many times.

My 2nd real life goal was to have at least one child by the time I was 35 or give up on it. I was with a man I loved, who was responsible, practical, who loved me and would provide for me. I married my husband Mark when I was 5 months pregnant, I had lived with him for 8 years before that. I was off of  birth control pills for 2 years, and found out eventually I was allergic to every other method. Go figure. I had my daughter Renee 5 days after I turned 34. I had my son Max at 35. We always laugh about BC or BK..before children or kids. Our lives...laughing. I love my kids forever and always. Don't always like them or love what they are doing, but..it is a loop. I love my kids forever and always.

My goals have been to be a better parent, all-around person, get healthy, live and love better and I don't know, stop being a whiner/watcher and become a doer. I quit smoking. You have no idea of how shocking that is to me. I miss it and I don't. It consumed so much of my life for so long. Getting healthy physically has been a challenge. Years and years of physical labor have taken their toll. Now, I am peri-menopausal. Which is a term to describe another stage of hell in a woman's life. LOLOL..good grief. I thought puberty/ menarche was bad, childbirth/ pregnancy was hell/ now? I tell my hubbie that woman are blessed with multiple orgasms because we are screwed for everything else. We might as well enjoy THAT. I laugh and smile here.

"We are all going to die". Yep, somewhere, somehow, eventually, unless there is a big secret conspiracy somewhere.  It makes sense that we should know how to live while we still have time to. That we do HAVE a plan, hmm..crap.

I was lucky, yes lucky and blessed in so many ways. Other people, woman, girls have had it harder than I did. My mom should have left my dad, my dad shouldn't have beat us or our mom. My mom didn't take beatings for us. She let us take whatever beating was coming and cried a lot. None of us respect her, mostly because we were taught not too. That is one reason why me and my siblings don't honor my folk's marriage or speak with them much.

rainbows and copters

The married drug addict I hooked up with when I was 19, only hit me once...in five years. He never used in front of me and I didn't know. That he addicted me to cocaine unintentionally and without my knowledge, *sigh. That he stole from me..and lied. I knew without knowing. That he loved me in his own way, I will never doubt. Fools, both of us...I learned a lot. I finally opened my eyes, saw the cockroaches on the walls and realized, no.

Then fell to pieces for about 3 years after that, I drank daily, got high daily, hit the bars daily..went to school full-time and worked 2 jobs. I never slept, except when I passed out. I met my hubby at the end of those three years..but I digress.

Life plan..where am I going, how and in what manner. I don't know. This is why I am probably going around in circles. Lol, sad and funny at the same time. I know I am not the only one. My God has had my back and kept me from a lot of troubles, at the same time that I met a lot of different hells and made it through, There is more to come, I am a-ok with that today.

My hubby goes back to Utah tomorrow, the kids go back to school Monday. I need to move forward, actually map out a "plan" for my next level? plans, goals, actions, prayers..huh. Thanks for listening. TTYAL

This song has been stuck in my head all day..I own no rights to the video, music, lyrics, nothing.

I'm dying here..

I should be in bed asleep. I am tired, but I can't give in to it yet. I didn't take my sleepy pill either. I am dying for a glass of water , a cup of coffee. I would even appreciate a smoke. LOL, I am still clean and smoke-free..I can admit I loved to smoke. I miss it. But, I don't HAVE to anymore. Also knowing if I went and choked one down, that I would justify smoking more. No thanks.

My kids started school this week, it has gone very smoothly so far. This will not last. That isn't being pessimistic, that's reality. It has been very strange having my hubby here. Sweet, but just a bit confusing. My girlfriend is another element of helpful. She cheers me up just by being herself. She thinks my kids are brats. They do have their moments. LOL, she hasn't seen their good sides yet, really.

I am sleep-typing. Which is probably a pretty scary thing. I have my surgery, my third spigelian hernia repair, today..blah. I can't believe that drinking a bit of water is going to kill me here. But, sigh. I am so trying to behave. I am going to go upstairs soon and wash with their special soap. Then put on my freshly laundered outfit, and actually be ready to go. I wish I could take my lap-top with me. It would be cool to talk with my fb friends, blog or solitaire until it was time. But no.

I have so many things on my mind. My heart goes out to two of my nieces and that side of the family as both of them miscarried. Logically, I can understand how this happens. The amazing part is how well the entire miracle of birth really works, usually. Emotionally and spiritually now, it feels so raw and wrong, I hurt for their loss. It feels as if a part of my soul got torn away.

My daughter and son both got really emotional tonight. I realize that I complain endlessly about my kids, but I am still so amazed I have them. They trip me out. I don't think anyone can love them the same way that I can. Which is true but also silly, other people love and cherish them also. But, I'm their mom. Always. I can never explain that rush of emotion, it just is. You just have it, know it and feel it.

I'll be okay.

God has some purpose for me and I know it isn't finished yet.  It has barely started. So, I am not going to die. I am just going to be in pain and crabby for awhile. Or loopy, I hate/love pain meds. I am such a strange addict. ok, upstairs for awhile..this couch is too comfy. My favorite part will be waking up and being well enough to have my first cup of coffee. I hope you are reading this girlfriend.

TTYAL, and thanks for listening.

My quote for the week was

The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. - Yogi Bhajan   Because you/me are beyond price. 

Memorial Day..not just another 3-day week-end

Memorial Day is tomorrow..it is a very American holiday. I am sure every country has their own version of it, except maybe Switzerland. For those of us in the United States it is a three day week-end, for most a paid holiday off work. So Sat, Sun, Mon to go somewhere special, perhaps. Since it is the beginning of nicer weather in a majority of states, it means BBQ's, parades, picnics, getting together with friends and family. Since we are also not just the land of the free but capitalists, it also means shopping and bargains. Getting a good deal on a new mattress is the American way. It is also an excuse to party..however, wherever and whenever.

For me? Growing up outside of Mokena, IL. which was a small town out in the suburbs of the suburbs, we had a memorial parade. My two oldest brothers were in 7th and 8th grade and in band. We went "downtown" and they marched the main street through town. There was three cemeteries on the route and the band stopped at each one and they played Taps and did the gun salute. I always found it sad and chilling. My younger brother was very proud that he taught himself to play Taps on a bugle instead of a trumpet. (It is way harder) The melody still gives me internal tears and goosebumps to this day, haunting. The rifle salute always shocked me, never got used to it even though you knew it was going to happen. I used to wander through the graveyards and look at names and monuments. I always thought they were beyond beautiful, green and so peaceful.

I think there was a year before my sister started band, we went to Lockport that year. Lockport is right outside of Joliet and is where the majority of my Mom's family is from. We went to a cemetery where my Grandpa Strong and Uncle Melvin were buried. Melvin died in WWII, he was an Air Force pilot...there is some small mystery about how he died. Regardless, it was in service to his country. (Thank-you) There was a space for my Grandma at the time. I remember my Aunt Mary and Uncle Ken were with us. They are all there now, which I find comforting. They knew that is where they were going to be.

Back to Mokena, my sister was in band...then me. The weather, being the Mid-west was really hot, really cold, or raining/sleeting..there was snow on the ground at least once. After grade school, there was 4 more years of High school band, that was in New Lenox. Another slightly larger town, and a really long parade route..*sigh. My senior year, I got to march 5 miles and then go waitress for 9 hours and go to school the next day. After awhile I had to wrap Ace bandages around my ankles to keep the swelling down when I marched. Couldn't do it at work, as we still wore dress-style uniforms with nylons to show off our legs. LOL.

Being the daughter of a retired 20-year Army Master-Sergeant, I was raised to show respect. Not only to my elders, but to any and all serviceman and women, even officers. LOL. Memorial day is not Veteran's day or Armed Forces Day but a day to remember and honor those who died protecting our country..from the first soldiers in the Revolutionary War to the present messes we are in today. We are still at war, and there is a list of the dead every day. I thank a Vet or a military member today knowing that they are or were willing to serve and give up their daily freedom, and risk their lives so I can go have a steak on the grill, or go save 50% on a sale or go shoot a gun for fun. I send a prayer to all those who did die and their families, my small thank you is from my heart. I honor you by continuing to live, teaching my kid's respect and enjoying the freedoms I take for granted. This is the day to realize nothing is free, the price is paid and being paid in death, blood, sweat and tears. God Bless America! and in this country, it can be whatever God you worship or don't.

 I love being an American..<3 Thank you!

spinning wheel ride

I am in a mood..hard to describe. I have had the flu(?) for the past couple of days. I slept more than I have in weeks. Not quite over it either, damn headache and major queasiness, plus I am still exhausted. Bone-weary tired..the sleep doesn't make you feel better. It just feels like the only choice available.

Had some fun with the end-of -the world fiasco. The posts about it were hysterical for the most part. I got a lot of laughs out of it. I know I am not anywhere near to being Raptured. I am not very worried about it. Heaven as my next stop? Perhaps, I don't fear death, living is hard enough. I know without any doubt that the next step will be better. I am not sure exactly what is waiting for me, but it will be way way better. Personal revelation? Maybe, I always get a calm peaceful feeling about it. I have almost died so many times, maybe this is my answer. I do know my number isn't up yet and it won't be by my own hand. Plus, I have to annoy my kids for at least a few years more.

I applied for a job, I don't think I will get it. Even though I have 17+ years working for the company, most of the people filling out work papers were very young, cute and skinny. If they do call me I will apologize, for now though...hmm, no. My week is filled with appointments, for me, my daughter, my son, even the puppy. The last day of school is Thursday. Have I said this before? I hate summer vacation. It will become very very hot here, and there is not much to do on a limited budget. We swim, and go out to eat..seems like there should be more fun than that. There is nothing within walking distance and no shade. The older towns have trees and palms that provide this..Queen Creek has tons of trees and landscaping..they just aren't very tall or full.

Ok, I am done whining for awhile..maybe.

My Fb friends keep me balanced, there is more to life than the mini-verse I live in. Have I cut down on my usage? yes. As much as I should? no. Now would be a great time to stop smoking as I can't breathe anyway..shazbot. The illness has reminded me so much that I can't eat whatever I want without severe repercussions. No dairy, no fried foods, limited fat, limited meat, foods in natural states as opposed to junk...I did this for years..and was a lot thinner too. LOl.

Small steps, listening to my kids instead of talking at them. Putting myself out there, I am thinking about signing up for an art class. I do have a few more ideas but another time, perhaps. I need another nap. Hoping you find your levels today and pray for where you should head next. A friend reminded me, that it shouldn't be about me, me, me. Everyone needs to find their own higher power..whatever it may be.

 I also owe one very important lady a personal message, haven't forgotten, still thinking on it. Love you.

Aaargh! I hate being sick, enough for now..you all have a great kick-ass day. :-) TTYAL thanks for listening.