All Aboard..

"Breaking News: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Whining!."

I owe all of you a sincere I am so sorry. You are out there, reading my words and I do hope you are getting something out of it. Not for me but for yourselves...finding your own path and trying new levels...that in my wildest dreams intersect with everyone else's.

 I have been riding the pity train and while not immune to the ride at times have decided to "suck it up and move on". LOL..in the post that I stole from somebody on FB it was Quitchur Bitchin'. I am still bitching, but it isn't because I'm looking for your pity, and  I don't want it. My life has been what it has been, back to the good, the bad, and the ugly..some because it was and some from what I made of it.

I have been in a severe clinical depression for about 2 years..before New Year's. It isn't my husband's fault that we moved into a neighborhood that triggers the nightmares of my childhood and adolescence. I always called where I grew up the suburbs of the suburbs. It was a nice place, but boring as hell. I guess if we had had more money and were more socially acceptable it might have been funner, but then again maybe not. It got worse the older I got.

 I snuck out of the house at night the first time with my girlfriend when I was 13 or 14. We got picked up by 2 older guys in a car, and ended up at their house in another town. We smoked pot, and cigarettes..the guys were stoned and drunk. I learned a lot about sex that night, but was too scared to "go all the way". The visit by a cop in the middle of that was surreal. My "guy" wasn't too happy about my inexperience(!) and eventually passed out. My girlfriend had left with her "guy". SHIT!

I was in panic mode, I needed to get back home and soon with my girlfriend or without. I had had suicidal thoughts most of my life, this is the first time I actually looked for something to kill myself with. I searched through all the medicine cabinets and found nothing useful. I contemplated breaking the mirror and using the glass to slash my wrists. I cried a lot and prayed. The prayers of a desperate teen, that death was preferable to my folks finding out anything. The 'dude' was out cold.

Looking back now as a mother of an almost 13 year old girl. OMG! The what-ifs..he could have raped me, I could have said yes, I also could have gotten pregnant, been left for dead, or succeeded at my death wish. None of the above, some friends of his pulled up later and drove me home..and I snuck back inside my house. My girlfriend showed up a bit later..nobody ever knew. I never saw the "guy" again. I heard later he said some shit about me, whatever.

I blamed the marijuana, of course..I had never even kissed a boy before. I had never kissed anyone and been kissed back, except for dim memories of old Greek ladies pinching my cheeks hard and kissing my head. My family didn't do that sort of thing..kiss. Hugs ended when we reached puberty, and were very scary. God's love was the closest we got to that, all-out beatings, punches, pinches, kickings, and terror. Obedience was expected.

Why am I telling you all this? There is a shock factor involved, and I have used it with remarkable results over the years. I enjoy shocking people, still. It  also makes a good story, the fact that it is true just adds to that. What did I learn back then? I learned that I'd rather get into trouble for something fun, exciting, dangerous even, than for being "good". I learned that if all else fails, I could kill myself. I learned that drugs would let me do things that I didn't have to claim responsibility for. I learned it was way better to not get caught.

Here I go back to the title Run-away train..it's a song, by Soul Asylum "Run-away train never coming back, going down a one-way track.."  I went on that train ride too. People think it is about teen-age run-aways. Yes, it is also about doing drugs and addictions..and I still have to fight from boarding it. I miss getting high or wasted at times..the desire can be unbelievable.

Life choices, sometimes you know when you are making one..sometimes you don't. I knew that night I was...and the choices(!) all led to very different paths my life could have taken. I have said that my God has always been with me, I just don't always listen to the music. I heard the music that night and I think it saved me from other harsher realities. He did answer my prayers, just not anyway I expected him to.

Now I have been on the Crazy Train..another song by Ozzy Osbourne, "learn how to love and forget how to hate..mental wounds not healing, driving me insane." Yeah, I've been on that ride a bit too much lately. Whew! Facing life choices again, I am continuing my therapy and trying to stay connected. Too much Face book, but I still don't have too many "real" people in my life. Helping a friend out last night, I hope, helped me. Instant calm and internal peace.

The next level? Please, please accept my apology, and I hope you can face your life choices with the right song in your heart. Take the train that takes you to new and wonderful places..or walk.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL :-)