Today,... no tonight, is a rough one. I am on my addiction roller coaster and am stuck until it comes back to re-load. I hope and pray that I get through this shite tonight and don't get back on for another trip. I am rational enough to know it is all in my head, and body. I feel it, some minor pains..mostly it is this annoying buzz around myself. I want to escape.
I am going to go clean up my kitchen now, and then we shall see were we are at..OMG..LOL. Hell, forgot I had chocolate, that helps. I am menopausal, or having PMS. I already took the dog for a walk. I didn't up my caffeine or sugar level either..well, with the chocolate I just did. Chocolate has natural endorphins that calm and soothe.
I did get a few things done today, barely. I can't explain clearly all that goes through my mind when I am on this roller coaster. You have fear underneath it all, a sick terror of all the "things" you could do, then there is a sick queasy reminder of all the "things" you have done. My mind races, so fast from thought to thought, up up up and down down down with emotions...all of them. I call it the good, the bad and the ugly..
When I was breaking myself of cocaine, I used to pretend I was snorting it. would even use some water and then let my imagination take over. I was flying...sometimes I would add some nasal spray..the real stuff not saline..would give me that burn. I did this when I was craving it and needed energy. I did other stuff too, probably not all that smart, maybe where my migraines came in. My sinuses are very messed up from years of abuse.
I would love to be high..marijuana. One of my favs, I stopped smoking, very few people knew I did, The cravings would get intense sometimes.Last time was right before we left WI. It had been well over a year before that. it was ok.. It has been two years now, since. I still have a handmade pipe upstairs..memento. The worse ever was smoking a joint smoked in formaldehyde..memories. I was so effed up , blacking out and finding myself somewhere else and then so gut-retching sick.
Talking about this helps, calms things down. i am getting tired too, which really helps. I talk to my 'God" too, always..he is pretty calming too, makes me feel less like an idiot. Because you do feel stupid and embarrassed, ashamed. i can put that off to the side, for now..not a useful thought i need right now.
My cigarettes aren't helping much and I am smoking way less. The Chantix is blocking the effects. I am not even panicking that I only have less than a full pack. this would have caused major panic even weeks ago and required a trip to the store. I'm good. It's amazing.
Sex, no don't even want to go there or even talk or think about it. nope, use your own damn imaginations.
Though just to be a bit evil..I can have multiple orgasms just by thinking about them...no cheating, by touching or even talking to someone else. When I went insane, my body went into convulsions with this, wasn't pleasant, no quite the opposite trip. My hubby was the one who held me while I cried, until I gained control. I love you dear, so much.
People say this isn't a disease..lol. O-ka-y, hope you don't catch it.
I use a new technique my therapist taught me..you find a happy secure place in your mind, then find a spot to focus on..eyes open or shut..and then you wrap yourself in a bubble that protects you from the outside and from your own inside too. My "God" aids with this too. Whew! the ride is over till the next boarding...
The next level? I am trying to learn how not to board the next train..for others you need help, ask, look, don't give up. The disease is NOT your fault..how you deal with it is the next step.
Am going to crash now, tired as hell. TMI? I am asking for реплиеш, comments..they are kept private now. Thanks for reading, ttyal.
I am going to go clean up my kitchen now, and then we shall see were we are at..OMG..LOL. Hell, forgot I had chocolate, that helps. I am menopausal, or having PMS. I already took the dog for a walk. I didn't up my caffeine or sugar level either..well, with the chocolate I just did. Chocolate has natural endorphins that calm and soothe.
I did get a few things done today, barely. I can't explain clearly all that goes through my mind when I am on this roller coaster. You have fear underneath it all, a sick terror of all the "things" you could do, then there is a sick queasy reminder of all the "things" you have done. My mind races, so fast from thought to thought, up up up and down down down with emotions...all of them. I call it the good, the bad and the ugly..
Am I out of control? No, at this point I have no control really. For some things I do . I have avoidance and painful memories..I don't have any drug connections. No dealers, no party friends..except a few who drink. I have booze in the house..despise alcohol...and being drunk. Plus, I can't mix booze with the legal scrips I'm on. LOL, well I can, but probably not a good idea. This is where the ugly thoughts come..I could swallow another anti-dep..or worst case, chop it up and snort it.(*sigh)
When I was breaking myself of cocaine, I used to pretend I was snorting it. would even use some water and then let my imagination take over. I was flying...sometimes I would add some nasal spray..the real stuff not saline..would give me that burn. I did this when I was craving it and needed energy. I did other stuff too, probably not all that smart, maybe where my migraines came in. My sinuses are very messed up from years of abuse.
I would love to be high..marijuana. One of my favs, I stopped smoking, very few people knew I did, The cravings would get intense sometimes.Last time was right before we left WI. It had been well over a year before that. it was ok.. It has been two years now, since. I still have a handmade pipe upstairs..memento. The worse ever was smoking a joint smoked in formaldehyde..memories. I was so effed up , blacking out and finding myself somewhere else and then so gut-retching sick.
Talking about this helps, calms things down. i am getting tired too, which really helps. I talk to my 'God" too, always..he is pretty calming too, makes me feel less like an idiot. Because you do feel stupid and embarrassed, ashamed. i can put that off to the side, for now..not a useful thought i need right now.
My cigarettes aren't helping much and I am smoking way less. The Chantix is blocking the effects. I am not even panicking that I only have less than a full pack. this would have caused major panic even weeks ago and required a trip to the store. I'm good. It's amazing.
Sex, no don't even want to go there or even talk or think about it. nope, use your own damn imaginations.
Though just to be a bit evil..I can have multiple orgasms just by thinking about them...no cheating, by touching or even talking to someone else. When I went insane, my body went into convulsions with this, wasn't pleasant, no quite the opposite trip. My hubby was the one who held me while I cried, until I gained control. I love you dear, so much.
People say this isn't a disease..lol. O-ka-y, hope you don't catch it.
I use a new technique my therapist taught me..you find a happy secure place in your mind, then find a spot to focus on..eyes open or shut..and then you wrap yourself in a bubble that protects you from the outside and from your own inside too. My "God" aids with this too. Whew! the ride is over till the next boarding...
The next level? I am trying to learn how not to board the next train..for others you need help, ask, look, don't give up. The disease is NOT your fault..how you deal with it is the next step.
Am going to crash now, tired as hell. TMI? I am asking for реплиеш, comments..they are kept private now. Thanks for reading, ttyal.
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