The question was: Do you have a life plan? My answer was: You'd think everyone would or at least should. I don't. I am thinking about it.
I do have short-term goals, and longer range goals and a few action plans in place. The whole fight for my sanity really changed me and continues. This is a daily battle, I think I am improving and getting, where? That's why I need to figure out my life plan. I have a few ideas roaming around in my brain. This blog helps me pin them down and focus.
My life plan as a kid was to turn 18 and leave home. I managed that, 1/2 by accident and 1/2 by chaos and another part as who knows? I know that adds up to more than..life is not equal or fair. My life goal after I was 19 and left home (forever this time) alternated between survival, being a success, total panic, to getting as wasted and f**ked up as possible. The more I lived, the more pain, the more I screwed up, the more I hated myself..my life goal was to die before I was 30. I failed at that too....whoops! Though I came really really close so many many times.
My 2nd real life goal was to have at least one child by the time I was 35 or give up on it. I was with a man I loved, who was responsible, practical, who loved me and would provide for me. I married my husband Mark when I was 5 months pregnant, I had lived with him for 8 years before that. I was off of birth control pills for 2 years, and found out eventually I was allergic to every other method. Go figure. I had my daughter Renee 5 days after I turned 34. I had my son Max at 35. We always laugh about BC or BK..before children or kids. Our lives...laughing. I love my kids forever and always. Don't always like them or love what they are doing, but..it is a loop. I love my kids forever and always.
My goals have been to be a better parent, all-around person, get healthy, live and love better and I don't know, stop being a whiner/watcher and become a doer. I quit smoking. You have no idea of how shocking that is to me. I miss it and I don't. It consumed so much of my life for so long. Getting healthy physically has been a challenge. Years and years of physical labor have taken their toll. Now, I am peri-menopausal. Which is a term to describe another stage of hell in a woman's life. LOLOL..good grief. I thought puberty/ menarche was bad, childbirth/ pregnancy was hell/ now? I tell my hubbie that woman are blessed with multiple orgasms because we are screwed for everything else. We might as well enjoy THAT. I laugh and smile here.
"We are all going to die". Yep, somewhere, somehow, eventually, unless there is a big secret conspiracy somewhere. It makes sense that we should know how to live while we still have time to. That we do HAVE a plan, hmm..crap.
I was lucky, yes lucky and blessed in so many ways. Other people, woman, girls have had it harder than I did. My mom should have left my dad, my dad shouldn't have beat us or our mom. My mom didn't take beatings for us. She let us take whatever beating was coming and cried a lot. None of us respect her, mostly because we were taught not too. That is one reason why me and my siblings don't honor my folk's marriage or speak with them much.
The married drug addict I hooked up with when I was 19, only hit me once...in five years. He never used in front of me and I didn't know. That he addicted me to cocaine unintentionally and without my knowledge, *sigh. That he stole from me..and lied. I knew without knowing. That he loved me in his own way, I will never doubt. Fools, both of us...I learned a lot. I finally opened my eyes, saw the cockroaches on the walls and realized, no.
Then fell to pieces for about 3 years after that, I drank daily, got high daily, hit the bars daily..went to school full-time and worked 2 jobs. I never slept, except when I passed out. I met my hubby at the end of those three years..but I digress.
Life plan..where am I going, how and in what manner. I don't know. This is why I am probably going around in circles. Lol, sad and funny at the same time. I know I am not the only one. My God has had my back and kept me from a lot of troubles, at the same time that I met a lot of different hells and made it through, There is more to come, I am a-ok with that today.
My hubby goes back to Utah tomorrow, the kids go back to school Monday. I need to move forward, actually map out a "plan" for my next level? plans, goals, actions, prayers..huh. Thanks for listening. TTYAL
This song has been stuck in my head all day..I own no rights to the video, music, lyrics, nothing.
I do have short-term goals, and longer range goals and a few action plans in place. The whole fight for my sanity really changed me and continues. This is a daily battle, I think I am improving and getting, where? That's why I need to figure out my life plan. I have a few ideas roaming around in my brain. This blog helps me pin them down and focus.
My life plan as a kid was to turn 18 and leave home. I managed that, 1/2 by accident and 1/2 by chaos and another part as who knows? I know that adds up to more than..life is not equal or fair. My life goal after I was 19 and left home (forever this time) alternated between survival, being a success, total panic, to getting as wasted and f**ked up as possible. The more I lived, the more pain, the more I screwed up, the more I hated myself..my life goal was to die before I was 30. I failed at that too....whoops! Though I came really really close so many many times.
My 2nd real life goal was to have at least one child by the time I was 35 or give up on it. I was with a man I loved, who was responsible, practical, who loved me and would provide for me. I married my husband Mark when I was 5 months pregnant, I had lived with him for 8 years before that. I was off of birth control pills for 2 years, and found out eventually I was allergic to every other method. Go figure. I had my daughter Renee 5 days after I turned 34. I had my son Max at 35. We always laugh about BC or BK..before children or kids. Our lives...laughing. I love my kids forever and always. Don't always like them or love what they are doing, but..it is a loop. I love my kids forever and always.
My goals have been to be a better parent, all-around person, get healthy, live and love better and I don't know, stop being a whiner/watcher and become a doer. I quit smoking. You have no idea of how shocking that is to me. I miss it and I don't. It consumed so much of my life for so long. Getting healthy physically has been a challenge. Years and years of physical labor have taken their toll. Now, I am peri-menopausal. Which is a term to describe another stage of hell in a woman's life. LOLOL..good grief. I thought puberty/ menarche was bad, childbirth/ pregnancy was hell/ now? I tell my hubbie that woman are blessed with multiple orgasms because we are screwed for everything else. We might as well enjoy THAT. I laugh and smile here.
"We are all going to die". Yep, somewhere, somehow, eventually, unless there is a big secret conspiracy somewhere. It makes sense that we should know how to live while we still have time to. That we do HAVE a plan, hmm..crap.
I was lucky, yes lucky and blessed in so many ways. Other people, woman, girls have had it harder than I did. My mom should have left my dad, my dad shouldn't have beat us or our mom. My mom didn't take beatings for us. She let us take whatever beating was coming and cried a lot. None of us respect her, mostly because we were taught not too. That is one reason why me and my siblings don't honor my folk's marriage or speak with them much.
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| rainbows and copters |
Then fell to pieces for about 3 years after that, I drank daily, got high daily, hit the bars daily..went to school full-time and worked 2 jobs. I never slept, except when I passed out. I met my hubby at the end of those three years..but I digress.
Life plan..where am I going, how and in what manner. I don't know. This is why I am probably going around in circles. Lol, sad and funny at the same time. I know I am not the only one. My God has had my back and kept me from a lot of troubles, at the same time that I met a lot of different hells and made it through, There is more to come, I am a-ok with that today.
My hubby goes back to Utah tomorrow, the kids go back to school Monday. I need to move forward, actually map out a "plan" for my next level? plans, goals, actions, prayers..huh. Thanks for listening. TTYAL
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