I have been enjoying my "extra" day with my hubby, Mark. All of the craziness of the past few months has opened lines of communication that have been closed for years. Some have never been broached before..by either of us, even in our own minds. It has been incredibly rewarding to know, I really did marry the right guy. Doing right by each other is a daily process.
He is sleeping now as he will be getting up early to drive back to UT. His day shift starts at 5 so he has gotten used to getting up early. My sleep habits are beyond bizarre..even before I went crazy. I got a 3 hour nap today..so I am good. I hate that he is leaving tomorrow. He hates it too, and so do the kids. The only bonus is it is a short rotation so he will be back in a week.
My mind imploded and my soul shattered. That sounds like the lyrics to a rock song. LOL..the reality of it, not so funny..it bit, hard. My central core has been coming back into place, every day just a bit more here and there. It is different though, and very hard to put into words. I am forever altered by this. I did have help along the way. I am eternally grateful to those people/friends, my family and husband who have helped see me through so much of it. The ones who continue to help have been beyond the greatest treasure. The rest has been up to me...and "god"..yeah ok.
I have said I re-made myself. Yep, more times than I care to admit to..some of these life changes weren't so tough, some I faced..and dealt with. Most of it, I ran way and then worked on transformation. That is what made this such a mess. I ran away and didn't resolve or face my problems, just went to a place where they weren't an issue. Avoidance and denial, the first sign (?) of an addictive problem. When everyone else around you is saying, "Whoa! What the hell are you doing/thinking/acting?" It is a good bet you have a problem with something.
I knew I had problems, still do. Got to add doesn't everybody? My reality was already under considerable strain and cracking way before I fell apart completely. Getting myself and my family back together has/is been the hardest and most worthwhile project I have taken on in a long time. My specific problems I will elaborate on another day.
The thing is..there is help out there. Whether you feel the need to talk to me, or need a referral to people I know..or just talk with your own friends, counselors, doctors, ministers..you are not on your own. You are also not as crazy as you think you are or might be. You don't have to admit it to the world as I have, the stigma's are incredible, but changing. But do try to find help if you need it. It will be worth every ounce of shame, regret, guilt to actually get some answers and find your inner peace.
The next level? Fixing yourself first, and sharing that..or just giving other's the consideration you normally wouldn't think of. Somebody who is truly depressed isn't just going to "snap" out of it. An alcoholic isn't able to control the desire to drink without major support and self-awareness. An obsessive-compulsive with an addiction to chaos, internally or without, isn't going to become sane overnight. The list can go on-and-on.
Remember that every ones path is their own, if you found salvation through God or another process congrats to you! That doesn't mean that your answer will fit John, or Charlie, or Loretta..or whoever...(the names are examples and nobody I know) they can use your help, but they have to find their own answer.
I am on more prescription drugs now then when I actually used. I find this incredibly annoying, they fuzz my mind more. But for now are a necessity, otherwise I slip into a pit of despair or a euphoric high with a revolving door between the two. My doc tells me I may reach a point where I won't need the 'scrips'. :-) Reality bites at times, but is so worth it. The more you try to run away from it, the more it will come back around and bite back harder...and harder every time. For me anyway, lolol. Thanks for listening, have a wondrous day and TTYAL.
He is sleeping now as he will be getting up early to drive back to UT. His day shift starts at 5 so he has gotten used to getting up early. My sleep habits are beyond bizarre..even before I went crazy. I got a 3 hour nap today..so I am good. I hate that he is leaving tomorrow. He hates it too, and so do the kids. The only bonus is it is a short rotation so he will be back in a week.
My mind imploded and my soul shattered. That sounds like the lyrics to a rock song. LOL..the reality of it, not so funny..it bit, hard. My central core has been coming back into place, every day just a bit more here and there. It is different though, and very hard to put into words. I am forever altered by this. I did have help along the way. I am eternally grateful to those people/friends, my family and husband who have helped see me through so much of it. The ones who continue to help have been beyond the greatest treasure. The rest has been up to me...and "god"..yeah ok.
I have said I re-made myself. Yep, more times than I care to admit to..some of these life changes weren't so tough, some I faced..and dealt with. Most of it, I ran way and then worked on transformation. That is what made this such a mess. I ran away and didn't resolve or face my problems, just went to a place where they weren't an issue. Avoidance and denial, the first sign (?) of an addictive problem. When everyone else around you is saying, "Whoa! What the hell are you doing/thinking/acting?" It is a good bet you have a problem with something.
I knew I had problems, still do. Got to add doesn't everybody? My reality was already under considerable strain and cracking way before I fell apart completely. Getting myself and my family back together has/is been the hardest and most worthwhile project I have taken on in a long time. My specific problems I will elaborate on another day.
The thing is..there is help out there. Whether you feel the need to talk to me, or need a referral to people I know..or just talk with your own friends, counselors, doctors, ministers..you are not on your own. You are also not as crazy as you think you are or might be. You don't have to admit it to the world as I have, the stigma's are incredible, but changing. But do try to find help if you need it. It will be worth every ounce of shame, regret, guilt to actually get some answers and find your inner peace.
The next level? Fixing yourself first, and sharing that..or just giving other's the consideration you normally wouldn't think of. Somebody who is truly depressed isn't just going to "snap" out of it. An alcoholic isn't able to control the desire to drink without major support and self-awareness. An obsessive-compulsive with an addiction to chaos, internally or without, isn't going to become sane overnight. The list can go on-and-on.
Remember that every ones path is their own, if you found salvation through God or another process congrats to you! That doesn't mean that your answer will fit John, or Charlie, or Loretta..or whoever...(the names are examples and nobody I know) they can use your help, but they have to find their own answer.
I am on more prescription drugs now then when I actually used. I find this incredibly annoying, they fuzz my mind more. But for now are a necessity, otherwise I slip into a pit of despair or a euphoric high with a revolving door between the two. My doc tells me I may reach a point where I won't need the 'scrips'. :-) Reality bites at times, but is so worth it. The more you try to run away from it, the more it will come back around and bite back harder...and harder every time. For me anyway, lolol. Thanks for listening, have a wondrous day and TTYAL.
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