Why do I blog? I am being very regular at it again. Is this another obsession? Could be. I hate thinking that, but really there is positive addictions in my life also. I am addicted to breathing. LOL I can't seem to help that one. The bonus is I am breathing better now than I have in years and years. I still get weird achy chest pains, but less and less. I can take a full breath now without wheezing, coughing or feeling like I am choking. I am still smoke-free. It still can be a struggle.
This is not the blog where I talk about smoking, another day, another time. I am sure I will get back to it. One of the reasons I gave up pot, finally..I couldn't inhale without coughing uncontrollably. It was beyond embarrassing. The last time I smoked it was a mistake, and I knew it at the time. I was uncomfortable, the people I was with were edgy. It really was a negative experience. I did enjoy the buzz that night..I mixed it with booze too. The next day I was so hung it was beyond belief. ugh.
You would think I would learn. LOL I avoid it, now. I still miss it and it has been years. It was years before that the last time. I hate alcohol. I have talked about that before. I can still be dumb enough to drink it, the bonus now is I can stop. There is always a place inside of me that wants to be numb, spaced out, high or gone. I have met many people over the years..addicts of all stripes and flavors. Some in recovery programs, some not. Some people were functional, it worked for them. Others, no, not even close. Other people did like I did. For whatever reason they stopped using or found something else to replace it with. I saw a lot of religious types, do-gooders, crafters, dare-devils, parents..LOL. etc. Anything can become an addiction.
I admit I am lonely and alone. I can prefer time to myself. In other moments I 'd rather be with folks, having fun, listening, being a friend, acquaintance, co-worker, whichever. Balance? I have been so out of kilter. I spend way way too much time alone. It gets me into trouble. My husband uses beer to self-medicate his loneliness. I keep switching back and forth between one thing and another and another. Whew! So not good.
I knew a lot of this without knowing. I knew without a doubt that I had depression and major depression at that. That is something I have struggled with on and off with all my life and still will be after this blog. I don't want to go back and unlearn anything. I just. I don't know. Self-knowledge can really suck. LOL, really. Holding up the mirror and asking, "what do you see?"
Therapy, I wish it was faster and fool-proof and not as scary as it can be at times. Am I am still wishing for the magic wand or magic person to save me? Crap.
It has been hard hard work to get back to where I am at now. I never got to escape, I never got to run away. It is still circling around inside me. I take it with me where ever I go. The problem is facing it, knowing it and not letting it win or control me. Nope.
Life isn't fair, never has been.. never will be.
I am done whining about my angst today. Another day, another time I can feel sorry for myself. I am looking in the mirror. It is so far from perfect. lol. The fairest? In the fable, it meant beauty. I think everyone has inner and outer beauty. We do "judge" people by appearance. We do. Think of all the people you come into contact with every day. Some days maybe you don't see a soul all day..depending on where you live, work, play. For the most part, I can say you are going to see people. If you had a deep one-on-one meaningful relationship(not sexual) with everyone you met for one day, hmm..how would that make you feel?
Now what if that happened to all the people you met all week, month, year? You would lose your mind.
It was from the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell or "The Tipping Point" not sure which one. He brings up the fact that to protect ourselves we don't look too closely at strangers. That our mind makes an instant judgement and then moves on. He explained it much better than I can. This is one reason why eye-witness accounts are so messed up. Everybody sees an event from their viewpoint. Police, military and other professions are trained to get past that blankness and remember details. I am absolutely terrible at it.
My hubby is home for a few days. I am tired so I am going to call it a night. I just wonder what you see when you look in the mirror. Is is what you want? Are you okay with it? What about inside your soul? Does it shine or glow? I don't think I am beautiful, in the physical modern sense of the word. I have come to accept a lot of my physical flaws and be comfortable with who I am. I have gained 10 lbs already by quitting smoking. This really pisses me off. Sorry. Fair? That I am, that is something I work on and try to nurture. I do care about the people I care about. I don't always remember names and faces, but I love the stories, unforgettable. I remember a little old lady telling me she loved my smile. I still smile thinking about it 30 years later.
Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL, I have to get some sleep. No songs, quotes, or pictures today. I may add some later.
This is not the blog where I talk about smoking, another day, another time. I am sure I will get back to it. One of the reasons I gave up pot, finally..I couldn't inhale without coughing uncontrollably. It was beyond embarrassing. The last time I smoked it was a mistake, and I knew it at the time. I was uncomfortable, the people I was with were edgy. It really was a negative experience. I did enjoy the buzz that night..I mixed it with booze too. The next day I was so hung it was beyond belief. ugh.
You would think I would learn. LOL I avoid it, now. I still miss it and it has been years. It was years before that the last time. I hate alcohol. I have talked about that before. I can still be dumb enough to drink it, the bonus now is I can stop. There is always a place inside of me that wants to be numb, spaced out, high or gone. I have met many people over the years..addicts of all stripes and flavors. Some in recovery programs, some not. Some people were functional, it worked for them. Others, no, not even close. Other people did like I did. For whatever reason they stopped using or found something else to replace it with. I saw a lot of religious types, do-gooders, crafters, dare-devils, parents..LOL. etc. Anything can become an addiction.
I admit I am lonely and alone. I can prefer time to myself. In other moments I 'd rather be with folks, having fun, listening, being a friend, acquaintance, co-worker, whichever. Balance? I have been so out of kilter. I spend way way too much time alone. It gets me into trouble. My husband uses beer to self-medicate his loneliness. I keep switching back and forth between one thing and another and another. Whew! So not good.
I knew a lot of this without knowing. I knew without a doubt that I had depression and major depression at that. That is something I have struggled with on and off with all my life and still will be after this blog. I don't want to go back and unlearn anything. I just. I don't know. Self-knowledge can really suck. LOL, really. Holding up the mirror and asking, "what do you see?"
Therapy, I wish it was faster and fool-proof and not as scary as it can be at times. Am I am still wishing for the magic wand or magic person to save me? Crap.
It has been hard hard work to get back to where I am at now. I never got to escape, I never got to run away. It is still circling around inside me. I take it with me where ever I go. The problem is facing it, knowing it and not letting it win or control me. Nope.
Life isn't fair, never has been.. never will be.
I am done whining about my angst today. Another day, another time I can feel sorry for myself. I am looking in the mirror. It is so far from perfect. lol. The fairest? In the fable, it meant beauty. I think everyone has inner and outer beauty. We do "judge" people by appearance. We do. Think of all the people you come into contact with every day. Some days maybe you don't see a soul all day..depending on where you live, work, play. For the most part, I can say you are going to see people. If you had a deep one-on-one meaningful relationship(not sexual) with everyone you met for one day, hmm..how would that make you feel?
Now what if that happened to all the people you met all week, month, year? You would lose your mind.
It was from the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell or "The Tipping Point" not sure which one. He brings up the fact that to protect ourselves we don't look too closely at strangers. That our mind makes an instant judgement and then moves on. He explained it much better than I can. This is one reason why eye-witness accounts are so messed up. Everybody sees an event from their viewpoint. Police, military and other professions are trained to get past that blankness and remember details. I am absolutely terrible at it.
My hubby is home for a few days. I am tired so I am going to call it a night. I just wonder what you see when you look in the mirror. Is is what you want? Are you okay with it? What about inside your soul? Does it shine or glow? I don't think I am beautiful, in the physical modern sense of the word. I have come to accept a lot of my physical flaws and be comfortable with who I am. I have gained 10 lbs already by quitting smoking. This really pisses me off. Sorry. Fair? That I am, that is something I work on and try to nurture. I do care about the people I care about. I don't always remember names and faces, but I love the stories, unforgettable. I remember a little old lady telling me she loved my smile. I still smile thinking about it 30 years later.
Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL, I have to get some sleep. No songs, quotes, or pictures today. I may add some later.
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