Turn around and face..

I guess I should write this and just get it out. I am tired today. I am tired most days, some is from being anemic and maybe some blood sugar/pressure hormonal crap. Who knows? I am sick of it. I want energy and motivation, aimed with focus, bolstered by fortitude. What the hell, lol... I deserve it.

I don't want to spend another day in the bathroom, but there I am. I feel like shit. No, I haven't been drinking or doing any drugs. I am straight except for the hodgepodge of chemicals the doctors have me on. No, this is because my hernia surgery has failed again. I knew already. The Ob-Gyn  surgeon confirmed it. My intestines are already stuck to the new mesh. Dammit all to hell and back again. The last couple of days have been really bad.

I have so many things that need to be done. Some I really would like to do, others, no. I am trying not to throw up. I feel nauseated as hell and then starving at the same time. I am also sad, depressed, angry..I am so sick of the BS. I did have to laugh though, the doc told me that I had a fibroid(nasty non-cancer growth), endometriosis(when the menstrual cells go outside the uterus), and adenomyosis(menstrual cells grow into the uterine wall) and an ovarian cyst. It is all gone now. I have had very little to no pain, I actually feel better with this. The hard part is adjusting to another new med, I am now on a low-dose estrogen.

The problem is back to the hernia, again. That causes me severe pain. My uncle had 7 hernia repairs. I have had three now. (More swear words) I don't want anymore. My therapy for my neck/shoulder is progressing. I have much more use out of my right arm with less pain. I only wish it was faster.

Am I looking for sympathy/ No, I am just pissed off. I am so angry not only for myself but for all my  family and friends, my girlfriend's daughter right now who has been diagnosed with cancer. I am also sad that I am by myself, for the moment. That I don't have anyone to call up and say "let's go out to lunch, or come  on over and make cookies."

I am not going to talk about the holidays at all right now. I am getting there. My hubby will be home tomorrow, the kids are on break starting today. I am still trying to deal with daily living. It is hard when you can't bend over or pick things up. It is even worse when you can do these things and it just hurts a bit or hurts later. My kids have very little to no sympathy, they are worn out. I have been ill their entire lives.

I laughed when I had my surgery for my carpal tunnel. My company was paying for it on Workman's comp and was not happy about it. I always thought they would send out the P.I. with camera's. See, she is carrying groceries in, and here she is taking garbage out. I did it with a cast on. It was excruciating at times. Why? I didn't have anybody else to do it for me. I had to eat, make it to school, doctors, even work with the cast on.

I am getting over myself now. I have worked too long and hard to give up on myself or my family. I can still laugh, learn, grow and move on. We have a lot of big changes coming up again. Moving to Utah? Braces for Max, my son? Family, marital and individual counselling perhaps? Oh well, this all better than being a stagnant pool of stinky water.

The world, we only occupy such a small fragment of it. My bubble intersects with so many more, I am hoping what I blather does help others. It gives me a release. God has his own plan. I am trying to learn to trust in that and not re-act so blindly to it. I am so not where I need to be yet. To all my friends and family who have been helping me, thank you. I am sorry I am so angry today.

To the people who have hurt me or who I let hurt me, for whatever stupid-ass reason. Thanks for showing me I am human and fallible. I am going to say F you too..which is probably wrong but oh, well. I never claimed to be perfect, sane, or even in control at all times. I am doing way better. I have been embarrassed, hurt, and happy. I am happy that while I have been an idiot at times, I try to tell the truth. I also can remember what I have said for the most part. My promises mean a lot to me. The ones I make to myself and the ones I make to others.

I have got to go now. I have groceries to buy, a kitchen to clean and laundry to do..should go clean up some dog poop while I am at it. (I am laughing at this part, it is funny)

"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." ~Solomon

Shutting up for now, keeping an open mind, trying to remember and do what I have learned so far, and sharing that with others. Beautiful. Thanks for listening as always TTYL.