Just Holding my Hand..

I am being thankful. My hubby is back from Utah, my kids are okay. Jack the puppy is sleeping quietly and I am mostly ready for tomorrow. I am not sure where my mind and emotions are at. I feel stuck in neutral, sort of revving and not going anywhere.. One of my favorite friends pointed out that she will be very happy to say good-bye to this year. Yeah, totally understand that, it was the year of "crazy" for me. Technically three surgeries for me and major medical overload plus working on mental and mind crap. It isn't quite over yet.

I am having another "hot flash" Whew! I am letting a long breath out. I have been cold all day so this isn't bothering me that much. It helps to be mellow. I am petting Jack, this does help calm and relax me. I had an urge a couple of times today to have a smoke. It is good. I am still okay with it. The urges have become less and less frequent. I will probably always have them. It is funny what triggers addictions.

My stomach/hernia has given me some grief on and off for the past couple of weeks. I have had this issue for 30 years. It has been much worse, so I am not really crying about it. I am uncomfortable now, debating on taking something for it. I can go lay down when it is really bad, it is nice to have that choice. As long as I don't start throwing up, that means my small bowel is obstructed. More doctors? Another surgery? Among other options, my husband and I have been talking about the upcoming year/move. Another long breath, I am not quite ready yet for any of that. Christmas is first, New Year's and then we shall see. The one bonus is my deductible has been met. My out-of-pocket expense is ..lol.

I wrote some stuff about the ghosts of Christmas pasts. It was good to get some of the bad out. I am not sure if I am ready to share any of that yet if ever. I smile because there is happy memories mixed in. Different friends over the years, different jobs, my kids and family, a little red bike.

I have a lot of religious friends of all different beliefs and faiths, and some atheists too. A big majority are like my husband. They were raised in a faith, and don't believe or attend. I don't think he thinks about it. He doesn't feel a lack or void. There are right and wrong things, and a few grey areas. He tends to go to the right side more often then not. Having children for me changed my perspective on a lot of things. I know it did for him too.

There is so many things I would have done differently in my life if I known better. I thought for a while that was just a folly of being young. No, being older has made me wiser in some things but not less human. I still embarrass myself. I try to not let it overwhelm me and move on. Waiting tables taught me a lot about keeping going. It also taught me that screw-ups happen all the time. You learn and deal. I'd like to think I don't mess up as often.

This past year of messy emotional and physical drama has made me so aware of who I am. I am waking up and seeing there is so much more I can be doing. I also have to give myself credit for where I have been and what I have overcome. I hope and pray that I will never let anyone let me doubt myself again so much. I can rant, rave, cry, laugh, shrug. That people can misunderstand me or find me hard to take at times is understandable. I don't always like myself either. It is also hard to type humour. Words have always been my friends and enemies. My laughter is a true defence against the darkness. That not everyone "gets" it I "get". There is so many people I truly don't understand either, they boggle me.

I have to point out here that I love my family, even my parents. That is a whole other blog or two. Oh my lord, yes. I love my siblings and am getting to know a few of my extended family better. I have so many beautiful nieces, cousins and a few nephews, plus all their kids too. I have my Denny's family of friends that always remain special to me. I have made a few new friends out here in the desert. I have reconnected with so many past friends from school or other places, and made beautiful new ones on all sorts of levels. THAT has been an extra bonus this year. I know I am addicted to them. Setting boundaries for next year is one of my priorities.

“YOU carry the joy and surprise of the season with you, no matter if someone or something else comes along to share it with you.”—Xian Horn

I always have music running through my head, during the holidays this ends up being Christmas carols. It was the Nutcracker Ballet, now it is Winter Wonderland. I know, it can drive me batty. On my final note, I say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah to those who it applies to. I think the term under God should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance and I don't appreciate public prayers unless I am at a church or memorial service. I'd prefer a moment of silence at anytime. I have a lot of people upset about Christ or God being taken out of things. Church and state should be separate, period. If you are a true believer in God and Jesus this will not change as he is in your heart and soul. Would "he" want you to fight and be angry with your neighbors, co-workers, family because they don't believe the way you do?? Think about it.

I had a customer that got offended that I called her honey. I had a check-out lady in a grocery store who always made me uncomfortable with her praise the lord, Jesus loves you etc. I had a dear friend that thought horoscopes and Halloween were works of the devil. I met some Iranian boys one time who, while unfailing polite, thought ALL American woman were whores for being unaccompanied by a male and showing their arms, legs and faces in public. Heavy sigh.

Love you all and thanks for listening..ttyal.