Too Many ughs, not enough Hugs.

Ugh, it has been a couple of days or so. I have written stuff, but trust me, nothing anyone wants to read. I feel like crap. Physically, I am in a dump mode. My intestines are cramping, I am bloated, sick to my stomach, my legs and ankles are swollen, my eyes hurt and are puffy. I had a mammoth crying session all day yesterday. I have severe heartburn and gas that I have taken so many remedies for. LOL, I am just pathetic.I am tired as always. Bonus, my blood pressure is fine.

Oh gheeze, it is so sad getting older at times. Having kids destroys your body. Time, gravity and what you started with in the first place are major factors also.  Then their is your lifestyle choices. Smoking, drinking drugs, all take a toll. You can add overeating, eating junk, exercise or lack of and work, plus stress. Your economic status plays a part as does reliable healthcare and insurance. Genetics, thanks Mom and Dad, and all your past ancestors. I have been feeling cursed, again. I'll say ugh again, and take another swig of my lemon/ginger tea with honey.

Yesterday I got the go ahead to schedule my hysterectomy. *sigh, Another effin surgery, I was so depressed, lonely and just completely unbearable, even to myself. Today, I got some things done and well, see above. I did get a nap. I see my ladies group tomorrow. I am very excited. My Canadian neighbor is coming down for a visit, which is always a special treat. I also have time planned to go see Mark in Utah with the kids. woo-hoo! I just wish I felt better, now.

I am doing better, mentally. I have read a few books and have managed to take small breaks from Facebook. My obsessions are always there, but the less I expose myself to them the better off I will be. It helps to be angry and crabby about it more than accepting and understanding at this point. That may change, but right now.  I would love to say eff you and the horse you rode in on. It isn't how I feel totally, but it does give me some balance, perspective and distance. Hate is so much easier than love, especially when there is pain and hurt involved.

I'd rather get bitch-slapped in the face physically than relive some of the "verbal" smack downs I have received in my life. These always hurt worse from people you care about, the worse part is the ones you believe and haunt your self with. You know what I am saying.

I am not crazy. LOL

Monty Python... "we are not worthy" They make it a joke and we laugh, because somewhere underneath it all we really don't think we do deserve the good things or only a wee little bit.
ugh again.

‎"Give, but do not allow yourself to be used; Love, but do not allow your heart to be abused; Trust, but do not be naive; Listen to others, but do not lose yourself."

Nice advice, but not always possible.  I don't know who owns this picture, but isn't it beautiful? It is something I think we are striving for.

No more Ughs? Stick them on a lower level and leave them there. If you are ugh-ing yourself, stop and give yourself a hug instead. Feels way better. LOL..thanks for listening as always. TTYL.

Sunday, today..

Sunday, the day of rest?

I am laughing as it really isn't, not for me and not for a lot of folks. I used to work it, for years and years. Now, being unemployed, I find that housework, cooking, children/puppies, facebooking, napping, laundry, take up a lot of time. The bonus with Sundays is I get lower electric rates all day and most places are closed. No making doctor appointments or going to the bank, post office or library. I also try to avoid shopping or eating out on week-ends. Not only because rates are higher at say movie theaters, but to avoid crowds,too. I really dislike masses of people and traffic.

No, I don't go to church. Not on Sundays or any other day. I don't belong to a church. I honor God, every day by how I act. Some moments I am good, others, no. I do not expect perfection, would be terrified to achieve it. That is a very scary thought. LOL, I just try to be better. Better than I was yesterday, more patient with my kids, a bit more motivated with my chores. Bringing some smiles, prayers or comfort to my friends. Raising the bar of how I think about things. I have been slacking.

It isn't a sin, but I have been reacting instead of living with a purpose. I have been letting my emotions, past issues, present troubles, and mental turmoil push me around. I can't say that this won't be an issue again. Today, no. Enough already. Good Grief!

I would have liked more fun today. Oh well, I really am glad my kids go to school tomorrow, all day. Funny, I will miss them too, until they get home. I feel bad that my hubby is so far away and working so hard. This isn't my fault or his, it wasn't what we were promised moving out here. Now we are moving again for a better solution for us all. I am keeping my fingers crossed..and that is a prayer I include for myself.

I would really like to feel better, physically. I am having another hot flash..ugh. I am already one step closer to my New Year's resolutions. I quit smoking and I am trying to change the world, starting with myself. It is what I have. My obsessions haven't died. I still feel the pull of my addictions. My stalkee that I had blocked is still a part of my computer family. I feel a mess of emotions about that. Logically, it is one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I wish I could walk away from it forever. I am hoping maybe I can, but then again maybe that isn't what I am supposed to be doing. When I pray about this all I feel is incredible sadness.

My friend I talk to daily, has had so much patience and goodwill. My hubby, who I also talk to daily, has done his best to accommodate anything I might need. One way or another. There are many reasons I love him and have stayed with him so long. We have more challenges facing us. One step at a time.

I am really tired now, which isn't surprising. It has been a long day. G'night or G'morning to you all wherever you may be. Thanks for listening. TTYAL.


the video is the wrong one, but can't figure out yet how to remove it..LOL That's Jack, the puppy.

"I hope I never get everything I want, life is boring without having desire and anticipation. But I hope someday I realize I have everything I need, life is sad without feeling content and appreciation." Patrick Bagdon

In the desert, but not forever

The new news is that we will be leaving the desert and moving to Utah. Mark is accepting a permanent position there. They have already agreed to pay moving expenses and fly me and the kids out for a visit. I think this is a good move on our part. A healthy step for our whole little family. Jack, the puppy is going to freeze. LOL, he shivers at 70F and has never been out of AZ.

Mark still works for the same company so none of the benefits, or insurance change. At most he will be an hour away, and barring overtime and an occasional trip, will be home every day. Wow! What a concept. We have decided so far to keep the kids here till the end of the school year, so we will be moving sometime in Spring/ Summer. The hard part, except for moving again is the housing market. We can't afford to sell right now. The house is so depreciated. So we are looking into renting it, and then renting in Utah also, maybe. All up in the air with that for now.

I am going to miss things about Arizona, my neighbors and the few wonderful friends I did manage to make, my ladies group. I will miss the winters where below freezing is considered an outrage and there is no snow or frost. I will miss my pool and walking around in shorts, tank tops and sandals. I'll miss my wild lizards. I'll miss a few of my plants that flower year-round. I'll miss my kitchen.

Everything else? No.

"real fall"

The unending sunshine, the heat, the dust, and glare..and being trapped on the edge of nowhere. Broke, without anywhere to go and nobody to do with it. I do not like being a housewife or the 24-7 parent without any breaks. I need a real job, and my own spending money.

We will be in a way smaller house, living more in town, close to a major city. Don't know where yet, but trying to get excited. My hubby home every night? Wow. I could get used to that, it has been years and years.

I saw the doctor last week, and will be telling her this week that I am ready for a hysterectomy. That will be sometime in November. I hoping it makes me feel better, fingers crossed. I am so sick and tired of being so sick and tired. LOL, I actually read a book with that title, it didn't help.

I need to go to my kid's parent/teacher conferences tomorrow. They both did very poorly this quarter. Renee, still and Max, hmm. I think so much of it has had to do with my drama's. I need to change my focus on them a bit. *sigh. I am so not happy about that idea. School is full of so much crap now-a-days. I am sorry, but it is true. Not that my kids can't figure out how to make it work for them..hmm. idk

I have been trying so hard. I just feel lately that I am not getting anywhere. My depression, obsessions, compulsions, the physical, exhaustion, nausea, diarrhoea..have been taking me over. My "real" life is boring and mundane. It involves cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, parenting, driving, scheduling..I have been slacking at most of it.

 I care, but I don't see the point to it any more. I don't have any visitors, my kids can be very surly and apathetic, my hubby isn't usually here. So, I sit here and Facebook, or blog and check on e-mails. I play solitaire and check coupons. I drink coffee and take my "happy" drugs. I sleep or nap. I pray, laugh, and cry. Sometimes I even watch TV or a movie/netflix with the kids. I feed and treat the dog. (yawn)

Depression, boredom, and physical malaise..whatever. I am making myself tired and sick of myself. LOL My "friend"? Whatever. Good luck and break a leg! You are on to bigger and better things that I can only dream of. What is done is done. I'll miss you, can't help that. My other friends take time to share bits and pieces of theirs. It is more of a true friendship, we share the good and bad. You can't help me, at all. I wish you could, that is where the pain comes from. The hope that isn't real.

The holidays will be my newest goal to get through and accomplish, bringing my kids grades up? Eating healthier, saving money as always. The focus know isn't to try to acclimatize, but to get ready for another move.Wow, weird, change would be good. Thanks for listening to me ramble on.

TTYAL..have a wonderful day, week..and always find something to laugh at daily. Love ya!

Just Around the Corner.

I am not sure what to write about today as I really haven't  done much.  I haven't been feeling very good. I gave up entirely on the iron tablets, again. Whew, not good. I am really hoping this is what is going through my system. I, blah..have been napping-on-and-off all day. I get hungry, but then am nauseated when I eat anything. Nothing really tastes good. I threw up the night before last. My stomach hurts. I keep getting stomach acid with the taste of blood in my mouth. Yum. I keep going hot/cold and back again and then visiting the restroom. The black diarrhea is a sign of internal bleeding somewhere or too much iron. The ribbons(tmi?) are a sign of intestinal blockage somewhere, great. *sigh.

I'd say all of this is unusual, but it isn't. I feel "shitty" most of the time. I don't talk about it much any more. I was hoping this last surgery would fix it?? Guess not. Yes, I am being a big weenie-whiner today. I am laughing. It doesn't help to be sad about it really. It is what it is. I also, have NOT been eating healthy at all or exercising. This..is one of my normals, the bad side of normal. Whatever, at least my period finally stopped again. Woo-hoo! Yes, you did want to know that. Sorry.

Have I disgusted everybody yet? There is so many folks out there with one thing or another.. or more. I really try not to dwell on it too much. I would like to be physically fit and thinner, healthy. One step at a time I guess. Not having heel spurs would make it easier. I have so little faith left in the medical world. I have been hoping for more from the mental side too. I am better but...crap.

I am going to go to sleep again very soon. I will probably wake up in a few hours. I will maybe write some more then. My kids DON'T have school Monday. Aaargh, they have been off a whole week already. It wasn't that bad because my hubby was here for part of it. I hate being so broke, though. It costs to go anywhere. It is still in the upper 90's outside during the day. The temperature drops at night, so now my pool is freezing cold. Yes, I am an Arizona wimp now.

I am tired of wishing for things. Wishing doesn't help at all, just reinforces all the things I don't have. There is no magic wand or silver bullet that solves anything. I can go try to hide back in my 'book' world or hit up on booze, sex and drugs. I find that all very unappealing at the moment. I am still mucking around in my Facebook life. I have more friends that I have shared with. So much, my peeps are awesome.

 I do miss my friend, though..still. Shite, and know that is just bizarre thinking on my part. I know, give it a rest already. D**n-it, though. People shouldn't promise what they can't deliver. I would say more, but no. I have to be done for my own sanity. It still makes no sense to me. I can feel the compulsion, the obsession and don't understand why. I also know it isn't mutual at all and that hurts me. It pisses me off, too. WTH..I acted so totally moronic, and feel like a bimbette.

I had another friend drop out of FB entirely. I enjoyed talking to him for a bit, but whatever. Another sex talker, though a bit smoother than most.You know you are the same as me, right? I doubt he is reading this, if you are I'll say what my friend told me, "get help, you really need it!" I am trying, myself.  I need to grow up and move on and keep an eye on my own mess. My kids are tripping now..aargh. I can hear them yelling at each other. I HATE always being the parent. I know I have said that before.

Wow, I didn't even realize how bad a mood I was in. I guess this is one way of getting it out. I swore at my daughter earlier and then apologized. She was nicer about it than I would have been. Awh, gheeze..I'll try to go get some rest and stop kicking myself. I have a song stuck in my head but can't get to the lyrics.

The puppy is snoring, lolol..

I do have other news that I am not ready to share yet. We shall see. I am trying to be objective and keep an open mind. I think the biggest problem is now I have to readjust my thinking, again. Yes, this is my blatant attempt at hooking you all to come back and read some more. I don't make any money off this, I just enjoy writing it. I like getting all this junk out of my head. It does calm me. Takes me to a different level..really. Thanks for reading, hope it helps you somehow. TTYAL.



"Just around the corner, right after the bend..another world is waiting. The one you need to be in, a trip, an adventure, you really can't imagine..until you walk around the corner, you will never ever know." me

I Can...

The question was: Do you have a life plan? My answer was: You'd think everyone would or at least should. I don't. I am thinking about it.

I do have short-term goals, and longer range goals and a few action plans in place. The whole fight for my sanity really changed me and continues. This is a daily battle, I think I am improving and getting, where? That's why I need to figure out my life plan. I have a few ideas roaming around in my brain. This blog helps me pin them down and focus.

My life plan as a kid was to turn 18 and leave home. I managed that, 1/2 by accident and 1/2 by chaos and another part as who knows? I know that adds up to more than..life is not equal or fair. My life goal after I was 19 and left home (forever this time) alternated between survival, being a success, total panic, to getting as wasted and f**ked up as possible. The more I lived, the more pain, the more I screwed up, the more I hated myself..my life goal was to die before I was 30. I failed at that too....whoops! Though I came really really close so many many times.

My 2nd real life goal was to have at least one child by the time I was 35 or give up on it. I was with a man I loved, who was responsible, practical, who loved me and would provide for me. I married my husband Mark when I was 5 months pregnant, I had lived with him for 8 years before that. I was off of  birth control pills for 2 years, and found out eventually I was allergic to every other method. Go figure. I had my daughter Renee 5 days after I turned 34. I had my son Max at 35. We always laugh about BC or BK..before children or kids. Our lives...laughing. I love my kids forever and always. Don't always like them or love what they are doing, but..it is a loop. I love my kids forever and always.

My goals have been to be a better parent, all-around person, get healthy, live and love better and I don't know, stop being a whiner/watcher and become a doer. I quit smoking. You have no idea of how shocking that is to me. I miss it and I don't. It consumed so much of my life for so long. Getting healthy physically has been a challenge. Years and years of physical labor have taken their toll. Now, I am peri-menopausal. Which is a term to describe another stage of hell in a woman's life. LOLOL..good grief. I thought puberty/ menarche was bad, childbirth/ pregnancy was hell/ now? I tell my hubbie that woman are blessed with multiple orgasms because we are screwed for everything else. We might as well enjoy THAT. I laugh and smile here.

"We are all going to die". Yep, somewhere, somehow, eventually, unless there is a big secret conspiracy somewhere.  It makes sense that we should know how to live while we still have time to. That we do HAVE a plan, hmm..crap.

I was lucky, yes lucky and blessed in so many ways. Other people, woman, girls have had it harder than I did. My mom should have left my dad, my dad shouldn't have beat us or our mom. My mom didn't take beatings for us. She let us take whatever beating was coming and cried a lot. None of us respect her, mostly because we were taught not too. That is one reason why me and my siblings don't honor my folk's marriage or speak with them much.

rainbows and copters

The married drug addict I hooked up with when I was 19, only hit me once...in five years. He never used in front of me and I didn't know. That he addicted me to cocaine unintentionally and without my knowledge, *sigh. That he stole from me..and lied. I knew without knowing. That he loved me in his own way, I will never doubt. Fools, both of us...I learned a lot. I finally opened my eyes, saw the cockroaches on the walls and realized, no.

Then fell to pieces for about 3 years after that, I drank daily, got high daily, hit the bars daily..went to school full-time and worked 2 jobs. I never slept, except when I passed out. I met my hubby at the end of those three years..but I digress.

Life plan..where am I going, how and in what manner. I don't know. This is why I am probably going around in circles. Lol, sad and funny at the same time. I know I am not the only one. My God has had my back and kept me from a lot of troubles, at the same time that I met a lot of different hells and made it through, There is more to come, I am a-ok with that today.

My hubby goes back to Utah tomorrow, the kids go back to school Monday. I need to move forward, actually map out a "plan" for my next level? plans, goals, actions, prayers..huh. Thanks for listening. TTYAL

This song has been stuck in my head all day..I own no rights to the video, music, lyrics, nothing.

Another one..how many can there be?

Another day, I am not in a good mood. I expected more from myself and didn't achieve my goals. The stupid part is now I am angry/mad/disappointed with myself and crabby. I can feel the ugliness like an invisible cloak. Ugh.

I can step away from it and look at myself. The talk is "You are letting your emotions rule you" (true). "Your life is really not difficult, just boring" (true, again). "You aren't doing a very good job of it" (true, but kind of negative). "You ate too much, didn't exercise, and only did a 1/4 of the cleaning you were going to do, if that." (true,and getting harsh) "You obsessed on Facebook and elsewhere, messaged one friend too much and not enough to another..ignored your kids all day and talked negatively at your hubby for about 2 minutes on the phone."(true, and ?) You took a nap you really didn't need (true) "You are a fat, lazy, sad, ugly slob without a life because you are watching it slip on by..AND you are addicted to a person you have never met and CANNOT help you, peeps you don't even see, most you haven't seen in at least 20 years or more, and all you do is cry and blab about it, it is your own damn fault, your hubby isn't home why? Your kids are brats, you are supposed to be their mother...shall I keep going? I have got more.." (true, no..hell..f**k..shut-up)

THAT is depression.

The feelings of despair, worthlessness, sadness, pain, terror, embarrassment wash through you, sometimes as a trickle, sometimes as Niagra Falls. I have heard some version of this voice inside my head all my life. I have heard live versions of this rendition from others. The ones that really hurt worse than being invisible, is being looked at and dismissed, with a glance. You know what I am talking about...or maybe you don't. Lucky you.

LOL, not trying to bring you all down here. I did go for a walk/jog with the dog, which helped. I got a hug from my boy and a tissue from my daughter later. I will SEE my hubby in two days. I got to listen to my daughter play her music. I switched to de-caf, I am not smoking or drinking or anything really. Typing out my pain..hmm. It is helping quite a bit, thanks. I took a small nap, which I don't think I slept at all...but I am way more mellow.

I checked my Facebook, of course, and a friend's friend had passed away. I wish, I hope, I hurt for my friend and his pain. I don't know if that relieves him of some of it or not. No, I don't remember my friend from school, I talk to him on Facebook. I enjoy a lot of his posts and he is sweet to me. He is real, more than if I was reading a book. That sentence is for my therapist. You, my audience are real, too. I only know a few of you, I hope my ramblings help.

I am getting so tired so I am going to make it short.

AZ morning

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. - Andrea Boydston

Every day is a success, some more than other's. My self-worth remains high, even if I try to devalue it or listen to the "shite". Level one, made it through the day..side-step, I made some people laugh and hugged both my kids and was loved by my dog. I also called and said good-night to my hubby. Good night or morning to you all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.

How many days? However as many as we get.

On top of the world, spinning..

I just read through two of my previous days ramblings, when I am saying...no, really? by the end of it you got to know it is a no-go. Not so much as crazy, but yawn. This really isn't all about me and what I did 300 years ago or even  in the past couple of minute. Okay, yes it is, but it doesn't have to be so boring. I hope. Please feel free to chuckle or laugh here..

I am doing better with my "person" addiction. I really don't have much of a choice. It really really bothers me at certain moments. I am still praying a lot on that one. I feel like a friend has died, and nobody knows it but me. I wish they could have said good-bye. I wish they had loved me. There are so many reasons why the block is in effect and has to remain that way. Shite, sorry I am mucking through all this again. It still hurts. I guess it always will. It wasn't equal, I wanted everything and settled for whatever. Oh, hell, that just gave me another insight that I am not sharing. Hearing that one loud and clear. Enough for now. Really.

Physical therapy was difficult today,though my exercises are very easy. I mostly get my head, neck and shoulders massaged a lot. Then I have very simple motion things I do with my head. The hardest one is being in a doorway with my hands holding the frame. I step in and step out, alternating each time. Three sets, three minutes each...by the third set my shoulders shake and hurt. Crap. It is getting better though, I have the use of my right arm again, it will stiffen up during the week and I will go back. *sigh, I feel really bad for all the other people. One lady today, wow! She wasn't boring or shy but umm..I am glad I share globally..not face-to-face or to the whole room. TMI!

One step at a time, one day at a time..I have projects tomorrow and I hope I can get some accomplished before I run out of energy. I did schedule an appointment next week with the OB-GYN..surgery, I guess. I don't want to, I am scared a bit. Not so much of going through the pain and all that crap, but that it won't really solve anything...or make things worse.  My hubby is the one really pushing for this one. He's tired of me being on my period 24/7 pretty much. But, ( insert swear words..take your pick) ugh.

It has cooled down considerably today and for the rest of the week. I finally have my A/C off, first time since March. It was one helluva hot summer. "dry heat" F**K that..anything over a 100F degrees is ridiculous. I just love burning my hands while trying to drive a car that has been in the sun for a few.(That is sarcasm by the way)  I do love my pool, though.

My life..lol. Do you know those merry-go round things they have in children's parks? Or used to, they were dangerous so somebody probably banned them. I loved those things. I would get it going and hop on, or my sister would. My brothers were evil and tried their hardest to scare us or make us sick..never worked. I loved it. I loved running them for other kids too, scared a group of them one time and felt bad. Sorry kiddos.

This is the sun setting at the North pole..I have no rights to this pic, but wow, again. Thanks Lord!

I feel like that is what I have been on lately, fast then slow. Am I the one pushing it around or is someone else? Yes, I am getting dizzy and nauseous at times, scared too..but I refuse to get off. My ride, my fun..hah. It is way more of a blast with friends along, I so smile here. I have met such a good bunch.

Decisions, responsibilities, love...I need love, want love..doesn't everyone? I have to give it out too, but the bonus with that it is that it grows and becomes better the more it is passed around. I am being given kisses by Jack the puppy before he gets comfy on my lap. Silly dog.

Levels, today... I just kind of coasted along. I hope I can amp that up a bit tomorrow. I am hoping that whatever point you are at in your lives you look around. Is everything spinning out of control? Or is nothing moving at all? You can get yourself going or have somebody help, and also come with you...the ride doesn't last forever. You are going to have to go home sometime, but wow.

Thanks for listening to me as always..TTYAL.

(this was posted and shared on my wall and other's yesterday..yes.)