I am not sure what to write about today as I really haven't done much. I haven't been feeling very good. I gave up entirely on the iron tablets, again. Whew, not good. I am really hoping this is what is going through my system. I, blah..have been napping-on-and-off all day. I get hungry, but then am nauseated when I eat anything. Nothing really tastes good. I threw up the night before last. My stomach hurts. I keep getting stomach acid with the taste of blood in my mouth. Yum. I keep going hot/cold and back again and then visiting the restroom. The black diarrhea is a sign of internal bleeding somewhere or too much iron. The ribbons(tmi?) are a sign of intestinal blockage somewhere, great. *sigh.
I'd say all of this is unusual, but it isn't. I feel "shitty" most of the time. I don't talk about it much any more. I was hoping this last surgery would fix it?? Guess not. Yes, I am being a big weenie-whiner today. I am laughing. It doesn't help to be sad about it really. It is what it is. I also, have NOT been eating healthy at all or exercising. This..is one of my normals, the bad side of normal. Whatever, at least my period finally stopped again. Woo-hoo! Yes, you did want to know that. Sorry.
Have I disgusted everybody yet? There is so many folks out there with one thing or another.. or more. I really try not to dwell on it too much. I would like to be physically fit and thinner, healthy. One step at a time I guess. Not having heel spurs would make it easier. I have so little faith left in the medical world. I have been hoping for more from the mental side too. I am better but...crap.
I am going to go to sleep again very soon. I will probably wake up in a few hours. I will maybe write some more then. My kids DON'T have school Monday. Aaargh, they have been off a whole week already. It wasn't that bad because my hubby was here for part of it. I hate being so broke, though. It costs to go anywhere. It is still in the upper 90's outside during the day. The temperature drops at night, so now my pool is freezing cold. Yes, I am an Arizona wimp now.
I am tired of wishing for things. Wishing doesn't help at all, just reinforces all the things I don't have. There is no magic wand or silver bullet that solves anything. I can go try to hide back in my 'book' world or hit up on booze, sex and drugs. I find that all very unappealing at the moment. I am still mucking around in my Facebook life. I have more friends that I have shared with. So much, my peeps are awesome.
I do miss my friend, though..still. Shite, and know that is just bizarre thinking on my part. I know, give it a rest already. D**n-it, though. People shouldn't promise what they can't deliver. I would say more, but no. I have to be done for my own sanity. It still makes no sense to me. I can feel the compulsion, the obsession and don't understand why. I also know it isn't mutual at all and that hurts me. It pisses me off, too. WTH..I acted so totally moronic, and feel like a bimbette.
I had another friend drop out of FB entirely. I enjoyed talking to him for a bit, but whatever. Another sex talker, though a bit smoother than most.You know you are the same as me, right? I doubt he is reading this, if you are I'll say what my friend told me, "get help, you really need it!" I am trying, myself. I need to grow up and move on and keep an eye on my own mess. My kids are tripping now..aargh. I can hear them yelling at each other. I HATE always being the parent. I know I have said that before.
Wow, I didn't even realize how bad a mood I was in. I guess this is one way of getting it out. I swore at my daughter earlier and then apologized. She was nicer about it than I would have been. Awh, gheeze..I'll try to go get some rest and stop kicking myself. I have a song stuck in my head but can't get to the lyrics.
The puppy is snoring, lolol..
"Just around the corner, right after the bend..another world is waiting. The one you need to be in, a trip, an adventure, you really can't imagine..until you walk around the corner, you will never ever know." me
