From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

All Aboard..

"Breaking News: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Whining!."

I owe all of you a sincere I am so sorry. You are out there, reading my words and I do hope you are getting something out of it. Not for me but for yourselves...finding your own path and trying new levels...that in my wildest dreams intersect with everyone else's.

 I have been riding the pity train and while not immune to the ride at times have decided to "suck it up and move on". LOL..in the post that I stole from somebody on FB it was Quitchur Bitchin'. I am still bitching, but it isn't because I'm looking for your pity, and  I don't want it. My life has been what it has been, back to the good, the bad, and the ugly..some because it was and some from what I made of it.

I have been in a severe clinical depression for about 2 years..before New Year's. It isn't my husband's fault that we moved into a neighborhood that triggers the nightmares of my childhood and adolescence. I always called where I grew up the suburbs of the suburbs. It was a nice place, but boring as hell. I guess if we had had more money and were more socially acceptable it might have been funner, but then again maybe not. It got worse the older I got.

 I snuck out of the house at night the first time with my girlfriend when I was 13 or 14. We got picked up by 2 older guys in a car, and ended up at their house in another town. We smoked pot, and cigarettes..the guys were stoned and drunk. I learned a lot about sex that night, but was too scared to "go all the way". The visit by a cop in the middle of that was surreal. My "guy" wasn't too happy about my inexperience(!) and eventually passed out. My girlfriend had left with her "guy". SHIT!

I was in panic mode, I needed to get back home and soon with my girlfriend or without. I had had suicidal thoughts most of my life, this is the first time I actually looked for something to kill myself with. I searched through all the medicine cabinets and found nothing useful. I contemplated breaking the mirror and using the glass to slash my wrists. I cried a lot and prayed. The prayers of a desperate teen, that death was preferable to my folks finding out anything. The 'dude' was out cold.

Looking back now as a mother of an almost 13 year old girl. OMG! The what-ifs..he could have raped me, I could have said yes, I also could have gotten pregnant, been left for dead, or succeeded at my death wish. None of the above, some friends of his pulled up later and drove me home..and I snuck back inside my house. My girlfriend showed up a bit later..nobody ever knew. I never saw the "guy" again. I heard later he said some shit about me, whatever.

I blamed the marijuana, of course..I had never even kissed a boy before. I had never kissed anyone and been kissed back, except for dim memories of old Greek ladies pinching my cheeks hard and kissing my head. My family didn't do that sort of thing..kiss. Hugs ended when we reached puberty, and were very scary. God's love was the closest we got to that, all-out beatings, punches, pinches, kickings, and terror. Obedience was expected.

Why am I telling you all this? There is a shock factor involved, and I have used it with remarkable results over the years. I enjoy shocking people, still. It  also makes a good story, the fact that it is true just adds to that. What did I learn back then? I learned that I'd rather get into trouble for something fun, exciting, dangerous even, than for being "good". I learned that if all else fails, I could kill myself. I learned that drugs would let me do things that I didn't have to claim responsibility for. I learned it was way better to not get caught.

Here I go back to the title Run-away train..it's a song, by Soul Asylum "Run-away train never coming back, going down a one-way track.."  I went on that train ride too. People think it is about teen-age run-aways. Yes, it is also about doing drugs and addictions..and I still have to fight from boarding it. I miss getting high or wasted at times..the desire can be unbelievable.

Life choices, sometimes you know when you are making one..sometimes you don't. I knew that night I was...and the choices(!) all led to very different paths my life could have taken. I have said that my God has always been with me, I just don't always listen to the music. I heard the music that night and I think it saved me from other harsher realities. He did answer my prayers, just not anyway I expected him to.

Now I have been on the Crazy Train..another song by Ozzy Osbourne, "learn how to love and forget how to hate..mental wounds not healing, driving me insane." Yeah, I've been on that ride a bit too much lately. Whew! Facing life choices again, I am continuing my therapy and trying to stay connected. Too much Face book, but I still don't have too many "real" people in my life. Helping a friend out last night, I hope, helped me. Instant calm and internal peace.

The next level? Please, please accept my apology, and I hope you can face your life choices with the right song in your heart. Take the train that takes you to new and wonderful places..or walk.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL :-)

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.

good night world..

Tonight, I can't really write for too long as I do need some sleep. I had a beautiful day today, one of those days where you want to treasure the moments and just bottle them up. I had a date with my husband..it was sweet and and so past overdue.

I got a really good nap that made me feel great, erased all those achy pains I had from the morning. My husband made dinner. Jack the puppy wasn't as nutty as usual. I got to Face book. My son actually made a small dent in his closet-cleaning mess. I figured out that someone who unfriended me hadn't done it on purpose. FB gets so messed up.

The best news was finding out that my girlfriend is coming for a visit and then the week-end after my brother is coming too. YES!

I still lost all of my pics and all of my notes from when my lap-top crashed. I have recovered everything else. It did teach me the importance of backing things up. If I had also been more patient..lol. No, still like to "fix" things. I have enough knowledge to be dangerous at times.

Every day is another step towards retaining my mental health and working on controlling my obsessions. I have described the depressions, and the urge for oblivion through whatever means. I also have to be careful of the "highs" where I feel I am invincible and can do no wrong. These are harder to describe, as this is what we tend to aim for. This is where my "god" fear comes in..it is easy to fall into that feeling of being swept up in glory. A massive holy ego-trip..lol. Yep, been there a few times...with witnesses and followers.

I do have plans and dreams, one step at a time..deciding which receives priority. Rebuilding myself this time with truth, hope and will. It does help to have guides or mentors this time. Slowly learning that I can only ask so much of them, that the process is up to me.

I am ending with a scripture that has been bugging me..King James version I John 4:

 ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
 
Learning how to love without fear?
 
The next level...
 
 ²⁰If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
 ²¹And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

We are all on the same big ball circling the same sun...Peace? Goodwill? Embracing our differences...in ourselves and in others..the thought makes me smile. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

To Beer, or not to Beer..

Sometimes I know or have some general idea of what I am going to write about. Tonight? No. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my brain that it is hard to latch on to just one.

Yesterday was such a great day, and then it nose-dived. I accepted a beer from a friend, knowing full well that I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time. I drink so rarely that yes, one beer does affect me a bit. It doesn't help that the prescription meds I am on aren't supposed to be mixed with alcohol. That part of it doesn't worry me that greatly. I've used and abused a lot of "mixes". I also watched my husband mix Vicodin and beer for years. I find it amusing in a sad way that he doesn't remember this or how hard it was for him to break that habit. The bad part is I am now buzzed and all the little stinging bee thoughts come circling around.

The choices come next, who, what, where, when and how. I am alone as usual, I talk to my God and it helps. I talk to a friend, and keep my control which helps a small bit more. I do not go over and ask for more dark beer..whew! I do not go over and flirt with married men who like to see me drunk and whose wives are not home. My own husband is asleep or passed out. I don't like my hubby's beer, blcch. I also know I do not want to mix beer with any of the alcohol I have in stock. So, I am staying home, I am not going to get drunk. I have children to wake up to take care of in the morning. I up one of my prescription meds..I am only on 1/2 dosages. I have "permission" from the doc for this..if I need to sleep he says take a whole pill. I eye up the whole bottle...no, Renee and Max. My kids and my former job taught me this small control for many years. I am an adult, I have a choice.

I wake up at 5 am with a small headache and later I take a picture of the dawn and post it on Face book. A new day, a new sunrise..

I haven't blogged for a few days as I was struggling with why I am writing this. My motives are selfish, this is my therapy and is way cheaper than my therapist... lol. Though I am going to start printing it for him. If someone else finds help or a new understanding from my words, awesome! That I have reader's excites me and humbles me at the same time.

My next level? I made it through another day, and another..there is good and bad things that happened in both. Sometimes, all that you can manage is one day. It is okay, I am not superwoman.  Sometimes it comes down to a yes or no and eliminating all the maybes. I hope and pray for the someday that this is not even a struggle or if it is a thought, I can laugh about it. I have been there before, I will find it again.TTYAL Thanks for reading.

Abel started it..

Today..whew! One of those days where 2 wrongs don't make a right. Things just get worse..I have 2 kids upstairs who were physically beating each other up. They lost 15 minutes of play time and are still not asleep. One is in smirk mode and the other is in major temper/sadness. *sigh. I do not like being a parent in this moment. My brother's used to fight constantly as kids and teens. I never understood it then I don't understand it now.

I have seen bar fights up close and personal. It isn't like in the movies, where all hell breaks loose and it is fun and exciting. Real life is blood, damage and pain. Another time I witnessed a beat down, one "teen?" came in and broke another "teens" jaw. It took him all of about 5 minutes. I was the manager on duty, and was beyond stunned and shocked. I worked with another guy who got into bar fights a lot. He was originally going to be a lawyer. I heard he is incarcerated instead..it is so sad.

I love the Jason Bourne movies, and watched all of Buffy the Vampire series. I also loved Anita Blake in Laurel K Hamiliton's books, until all she did was sleep around instead of kick-ass. I still care about the characters, but I don't but the books anymore. My favorite series now is The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, I love his other series as well, more like Lord of the Rings taken to a new level.

I watched Ali fight when I was a teen on TV...It was one of his later fights, can't remember against who and I watched the whole thing. He wasn't supposed to be able to last more than a couple rounds. It ended up being 19 and he won...he was beyond incredible. I have never watched boxing again. To see Ali so broken later in life.. is heart-wrenching.

We are a violent race....and I include woman too. Woman fight mean. But, not everyone and certainly not all at the same degree.

Tomorrow we are celebrating a moment of peace...at 12 AZ time I think..not sure. I'm happy to participate. Though I will be running on a treadmill with radioactive dye in my veins. Most likely wanting to kill someone for a smoke and a cup of joe. People have died for less reason. This is my next level tomorrow, I can do this every Fri afternoon at 12, just to take it up a notch.

I can watch "fictional violence" on TV, or in movies or read about it. Watching the real thing scares the hell out of me. I have a side of me that cringes and another part that wants to go for the throat. I am not sure which part is worse.

Tonight I pray for my friends, all the ones who have loved ones who are ill or who are ill themselves. Addiction is included in that, as it is a disease. Whatever the poison, drugs, alcohol, sex, violence..may you all find peace...sooner.

It's a Ride..

Today,... no tonight, is a rough one. I am on my addiction roller coaster and am stuck until it comes back to re-load. I hope and pray that I get through this shite tonight and don't get back on for another trip. I am rational enough to know it is all in my head, and body. I feel it, some minor pains..mostly it is this annoying buzz around myself. I want to escape.

I am going to go clean up my kitchen now, and then we shall see were we are at..OMG..LOL. Hell, forgot I had chocolate, that helps. I am menopausal, or having PMS. I already took the dog for a walk. I didn't up my caffeine or sugar level either..well, with the chocolate I just did. Chocolate has natural endorphins that calm and soothe.

I did get a few things done today, barely. I can't explain clearly all that goes through my mind when I am on this roller coaster. You have fear underneath it all, a sick terror of all the "things" you could do, then there is a sick queasy reminder of all the "things" you have done. My mind races, so fast from thought to thought, up up up and down down down with emotions...all of them. I call it the good, the bad and the ugly..

Am I out of control? No, at this point I have no control really. For  some  things  I do . I have avoidance and painful memories..I don't have any drug connections. No dealers, no party friends..except a few who drink. I have booze in the house..despise alcohol...and being drunk. Plus, I can't mix booze with the legal scrips I'm on. LOL, well I can, but probably not a good idea. This is where the ugly thoughts come..I could swallow another anti-dep..or worst case, chop it up and snort it.(*sigh)

When I was breaking myself of cocaine, I used to pretend I was snorting it. would even use some water and then let my imagination take over. I was flying...sometimes I would add some nasal spray..the real stuff not saline..would give me that burn. I did this when I was craving it and needed energy. I did other stuff too, probably not all that smart, maybe where my migraines came in. My sinuses are very messed up from years of abuse.

I would love to be high..marijuana. One of my favs, I stopped smoking, very few people knew I did, The cravings would get intense sometimes.Last time was right before we left WI. It had been well over a year before that. it was ok.. It has been two years now, since. I still have a handmade pipe upstairs..memento. The worse ever was smoking a joint smoked in formaldehyde..memories. I was so effed up , blacking out and finding myself somewhere else and then so gut-retching sick.

Talking about this helps, calms things down. i am getting tired too, which really helps. I talk to my 'God" too, always..he is pretty calming too, makes me feel less like an idiot. Because you do feel stupid and embarrassed, ashamed. i can put that off to the side, for now..not a useful thought i need right now.

My cigarettes aren't helping much and I am smoking way less. The Chantix is blocking the effects. I am not even panicking that I only have less than a full pack. this would have caused major panic even weeks ago and required a trip to the store. I'm good. It's amazing.

Sex, no don't even want to go there or even talk or think about it. nope, use your own damn imaginations.
Though just to be a bit evil..I can have multiple orgasms just by thinking about them...no cheating, by touching or even talking to someone else. When I went insane, my body went into convulsions with this, wasn't pleasant, no quite the opposite trip. My hubby was the one who held me while I cried, until I gained control. I love you dear, so much.

People say this isn't a disease..lol. O-ka-y, hope you don't catch it.

I use a new technique my therapist taught me..you find a happy secure place in your mind, then find a spot to focus on..eyes open or shut..and then you wrap yourself in a bubble that protects you from the outside and from your own inside too. My "God" aids with this too. Whew! the ride is over till the next boarding...

The next level? I am trying to learn how not to board the next train..for others you need help, ask, look, don't give up. The disease is NOT your fault..how you deal with it is the next step.

Am going to crash now, tired as hell. TMI? I am asking for реплиеш, comments..they are kept private now. Thanks for reading, ttyal.