Around and Around We Go

"the only constant in life is change, but life is a circle..." me w/others

Today was better than yesterday for me. Now, I am a bit sad. The first posts today on Face book were about a death of a loved one, another later was about a friend fighting cancer. Tonight, a very dear friend asked for prayers for his Mom going to the ER. It seems strange that these posts were mixed in with Oscar watching critiques and jokes. You can add conspiracy theories, sports, competition updates, weather status complaints, songs, 2 blog postings..and 2 birthdays. There was much more..hard to explain it all.

People are born and people die, it is the natural order of things. We celebrate life and birthdays, one more circle around the sun. I just wish...

I wish I could take away people's pain, worry, and despair. Happy, happy people but, ugh! Whew, that would get to be too much. Putting everyone back into Eden, or forward to heaven. I have faced my own death many times. I want to live and am scared to live, but my own passing doesn't worry me. The thought of my kids, husband, friends, family and even the puppy missing me is soothing. Their pain and suffering, no..don't cry, don't grieve. I am okay.

Their possible deaths..no. Whenever, however..can't even think about it.

I believe everybody ends up in their own version of heaven and hell. If you are Hindu, you are on the wheel of re-birth or enlightenment. Mormons have 3 heavens each better than the next, Catholics have purgatory and judgement..or for others maybe a flash of light and nothing, or a soul flitting through the cosmos...

I do think everyone has to face the moment of truth, when you look back at your life and see it through the eyes of a "God".  Every action you did take and feel how that affected everyone around you..through their eyes and emotions. Not good for a murderer, not so unpleasant for a saint. You also get to see all the different outcomes. The what ifs and the did nots..

LOL, since this is my beliefs, maybe it is only MY destiny.

The next level is to work on your next level now..every day. Open your eyes, ears, and take advantage of what you have...amaze yourself.


Have a great day and shine on..TTYAL..You don't want to come back as a cricket. :-)

" How far that little candle throws its beams. So shines a good deed in a needy world." Shakespeare

WTH? ..OHhh..

I figured out today I was angry. No, not at the whole world just bits of it. Angry that I fell way short of my personal goals today. I face-booked almost all day..it isn't a waste like playing solitaire all day/night. That was so last year..lol.

I am trying to put a positive spin on it, and then work on improving it tomorrow. This is what I do. I can't let myself wallow, or obsess, or whip myself. It is a wrong turn that doesn't end anywhere I want to be, because I've been there before. "Familiarity can bring comfort, or breed contempt." We have all backed ourselves into a hole before, or painted ourselves into a corner. that's just life. Staying in the corner or falling down the hole, over and over again. WTH! Ohh..duh.

I told a friend that being an alcoholic would be easier..I was wrong. Being an addict of any kind trying to recover isn't remotely easy. It is ok sometimes, then thoughts sneak in, and other thoughts and pretty soon you have a plan of action. Which has convinced you, however flimsy the reasoning that you need/have to go back to your "candy". With mind-altering chemicals, the excuses get sadder and sadder...it doesn't take a whole lot to believe your truth. At the risk of everything, life-and-health, self-respect, love, morals(?)..you get your fix, somehow. WTH! Ohh.."eff'''this is sad.

I am not a normal addict, or maybe that isn't right. I am an addict, I denied it..ran away from it. then proved to myself and whoever that I wasn't one. I was devoted to my husband..became addicted to work, friends/family and then kids...with other minor obsessions or passions. I found "God" my version, one that I didn't talk about. I find it deeply personal as my God is part of me. I have had so many now from FB question how I believe and what I believe, even my therapist. WTH! Um..no.

Maybe they are right and my psyche is so damaged that I can't have the faith they do, or as was also suggested that I need to find a better "God" or that my "God" wasn't true or maybe even the devil?? WTH..my god, your god, they are all the same god and how you worship him is your business. If it makes you a better person, than I respect your beliefs. If you are an atheist and a great human being, I respect your beliefs too, Hindu, Buddhist, Baptist..etc. I also know we are human and make mistakes..all of us. LOL..yep!

The next level? Give everyone not your preachings, but your example..how you live, love and make mistakes...and/or succeed. I am working on mine. It wasn't a great day, but it is now done. Tomorrow I will do better.

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

~Buddha

Have a great day..or night..TTYAL..

But...

I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days. Talked with my therapist today, which made me very shaky at first, but then made things better. I reached a better understanding with one friend and am trying to make amends with another. The rule with that is "first do no harm"..to me or my friend. *sigh. I feel a bit hypocritical as I have ended up blocking everyone on Face Book who is overly political...or posts too much. I post too much...and politics gives me a headache.

The next part is difficult, being who I am has given me a dangerous attitude throughout life. I almost always feel like I should be an exception to the rule(s). I often am..but..

Yeah, that doesn't always fly.  It only worked partially for school. High school senior year I managed to ditch 90% or more of and still graduated. I got slapped on the wrist, flunked gym which was based on attendance...so had to make up a Tennis class at the Junior college. I cheated on every drawing in drafting class by copying somebody else's and handing it in late. I was so clueless in that class. Thanks forever, Bob! I passed all my other classes with a B or better. I wasn't allowed to go to graduation, and I got my one and only detention my last week of school. I was furious at the time..it was so unfair.

It didn't work for college at all. I have been to 4 schools, DeVry was the longest, and I still don't have any kind of degree whatsoever. I also owe a small fortune on student loans. But..

Here I have to laugh and point out... If I hadn't spent so much time flirting in the smoker's lounge.. I wouldn't have met my future husband. LOLOL..my DeVry "friends" at the time all despised him..I don't even remember most of their names now. With my party friends it was harder. When I broke up with him they forgave me for spending so much time with him. I really had missed them too. When me and Mark did get back together and moved to WI. I missed them so much, it broke my heart. But, I couldn't live the life anymore.

Retail work sucks..you are either ignored, harassed, or both..and that is from your bosses. Customer's..LOLOL.(yep, you are always right) You don't get paid very much either...and a discount just makes you spend more where you work at...and the benefits are total crap. There is no but here..that is what it is. Even though they keep raising minimum wage, you don't make enough to barely buy groceries, let alone pay rent, or anything else. Heaven forbid you have medical expenses..which I did.

But..

Yeah, I started having problems with my hands when I was a kid. Got worse when I was in high school, and severe when I worked in a factory. They swelled, they hurt, they went numb with pins-and-needles. DeVry and UPS took the final toll. I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel and ended up with surgery on my right hand when I was 24 or 25..my hands and feet (tarsal tunnel) *sigh, there is no cure.

My digestive system has had problems since I don't know when gas, bloating , constipation, diarrhea, pain. I would get severe attacks  occasionally in my right lower quadrant and start throwing up. I had my first colonoscopy when I was 19. The diagnosis was non-ulcerative colitis. This is now called IBS..irritable bowel syndrome..in my dad's time it was called spastic colon. There is no cure as they don't know what causes it. Some things make it worse, fried foods, caffeine, nicotine, stress. Most doctor's believe it is all psychological. I think they are 1/2 right.

I went back to waitressing for 3 years then went into management. By this time I ate very healthy, rarely drank, no dairy, and I had gone off birth control.

Renee's birth almost killed me and has given me nightmares that will last forever. I had toxemia..and then was given an accidental massive overdose of magnesium.

Max, I ended up with gestational diabetes...was on insulin and a severe diet.

The stomach pain got worse after that, ended up in the hospital twice. It was almost always on the weekend..I had lost almost 80 lbs in 4 years as I couldn't eat without fear.

I found my "God" flat on my back when the pain was so unbearable and there was nothing I could do but get through it. I would pray and cry and throw-up and finally I would feel this excruciating glitch inside and I would know I'd made it again...till the next time.

I started throwing up having another attack and I couldn't stop..went to my regular docs and they found the hernia. Hernia's are common, the location of mine is not. It is called a spigelian. I had emergency surgery/appendectomy..it failed within the first month. I had my 2nd surgery 8 months later..it also has failed. My attacks are less now, I haven't waitressed in 2 years. The hernia that plays graboid with my intestines, could have killed me any time. According to the doctors, once it incarcerates, the only solution is surgery otherwise gangrene sets in, which is fatal in less than 8 hours. I lost count on how many times..20 years worth.

But,

Most girls with my addiction end up as hookers, or married/single with multiple unhappy affairs. I didn't have too much desire being sick as I was for so long..God's plan? It saved me, but I still think he is a bit of a jerk. LOL

The next level? I found my own answer with my God, and he has put me on a path. I still resist this. LOL Everyone needs to find their own answers. My God is your god however you believe or don't..whatever higher power you are looking for..it is there and always has been.

But,

I have found I can be the exception to the rules, but only if I do the work first. There is no magic cure..doctors, parents, teachers, ministers, therapists,etc. are all people first. My hero's? The people who inspire me are all my friends who keep at it every day playing, winning the game of life. No but's.

Thanks for listening..TTYAL..have a wondrous day.

Alice, Where are You Going? Part II

"Alice, Where are you going?" 

"Upstairs, to take a bath"

Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe-raff-raff...

Alice pulled out the plug.

"Oh my goodness! Oh my soul! There goes Alice down the hole.."

"blub, blub, blub." 

Alice, Where Are You Going? Part I

Crazy is as crazy does. LOL, My internal mind can be quite calm or a battlefield. One friend told me to not let anyone convince me I was insane..another person told me not only that I was beyond insane, but addicted to the chaos of it. They are both right.

My life now is about as sane as it can be. I have the kids, my hubby, my house, the puppy. I have different projects, this blog, Face book(!), cleaning, decorating and maintaining my home, cooking, all the other housewife kinds of things. I'm a parent and dog-owner..it is a pretty similar job, except I can't put my kids on a leash or in a cage. No matter how much I would like to at times! I watch TV, movies, listen to music, read..:-)

I go shopping, Wal-Mart/Target, Fry's, Kohl's, Pet-Smart, Home Depot, Office Max, etc., gas stations. I go out to eat, to the library, the bank, and to school functions. Lately, I have added various doctors' appointments and a weekly therapist. I try to take daily walks and during the summer swim daily. Max. my son, usually has at least one friend over at one point or goes to their house. I say hello to my neighbor's if I see them, on very rare occasions I visit with them or they come over.

Have I put you all to sleep yet?

The next level? Part II..sorry. I think quite a few people can relate to my story so far. The "madness" of it all is much harder to write and think about. I do promise that I won't make you wait long. I've always hated "to be continued"s..or "cliff-hangers".

Thank you all for reading so far. I was re-approved for my ads, if you click on them I might get paid. LOL, I have no idea what they do..I am not allowed to click on them. TTYAL very soon.

Daffy Was the One With a Bill

If I start writing this , I probably won't go back to sleep. That idea is still a possibility...it is 3:33 am..my alarm is set for 6..but 6:33 is still doable. Hmm..nope, guess not. I shouldn't have made coffee.

My hubby is home, arrived yesterday right after me and the kids came back from dinner and grocery shopping. I was proud of myself that I had already started homemade chicken noodle. My poor honey has the flu, which I gave him last week.  I was even happier that I did buy the rotisserie chicken. It finished it off nicely. I am really hoping his strain hasn't mutated..or that he ends up with pneumonia, again. He has a history with that. I had a boss that had the same problem, she developed it anytime she caught a cold. All I can say to that one is karma is a bitch sometime. I told you I wasn't a saint...LOL.

I am not sure who me or my husband wronged in a previous life. We have had a bit more than our fair share of medical issues...and now can add psychological ones as well. I have always believed mind, body, and soul are intertwined. With my present therapy this becomes truer every day. I can't explain the techniques we use and am not going to even try to. It really does help, so far. Though I still think psychology is a necessary "evil"  kind of dirty science. So all therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists etc. are a bit suspect and shady...especially when they are being nice. I laugh here.

I love Sociology. It is so much cleaner and clear-cut. I had a beyond awesome teacher for it, and while I could use a review. I have used it,  over and over in my life and seen it in action, first hand. I love the idea of being a circle and having everything  interact with circles, friends, family, neighborhood, interests. Face book is a big social global circle and keeps expanding..that makes me smile. Even if it is run by 'evil' aliens who force changes that nobody likes, wants or understands..OMG, lol. I could do without the virus attacks there too.

I saw a cardiologist on Wednesday..really really liked him which helps. My low blood pressure is still having its occasional drops..which makes no sense as I practically live on caffeine..for years and years. I have been addicted to nicotine for over 30 years. I crave sweets/sugar and salt..olives, pickles, pepperocini are my top favorite foods, plus nuts, sesame anything, and sunflower seeds. Chocolate is its own food group, and "white" chocolate is a fake and not included. Blcch! My b.p. should be through the roof. Instead, I barely make it over a 100 for the top reading. He said all the drugs I played with may have damaged my heart. Huh! Who would have thought..! Or that I already had some type of damage that I was born with. Go figure. Tests..always more tests..the one requires no food, drink, including coffee, or any drugs/smokes for at least 6 Hours prior..some parts are 24. Wow.. still don't know about that one.

Of course this all costs. I have already met my deductible for the year, and have to get pre-approval on everything else. It is February. I am not sure what the cap is..*sigh. I really can't afford to be crazy or ill. Donations are welcome, jk, lolol.. kind of. I admit I am whining a bit. I am so thankful I don't have cancer, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, epilepsy, etc. there is a very big long list. I know or knew people who do/did. Some died from their conditions. God rest their souls...I miss them. Some fight daily against chronic pain/ and a whole plethora of evil symptoms. I pray for them.

My first hernia surgery was without insurance and cost us $50,000. I still think the surgeon took out my appendix so he could charge more. Jerk! It took us almost 7 years to pay it off...plus other medical for me, my hubby and kids. Now we are paying off a pool. I'd rather pay for the pool, much more fun and useful.

The next level? Oh bite me..no, not really. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everyone healthy on all levels. Physical, mental, and spiritual..it's a wish. The world would end up being very boring or hmm... not even sure. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

Daffy was the one with the bill, Elmer was the one with a gun, and Bugs..Bugs Bunny was always the smart one or the smart-ass. Lol, maybe it was all those carrots.."What's up, Doc?"

Thanks for reading as always, TTYAL  Good health and prosperity to you all.

Life is but a Dream

I think I am sleep writing this. I am very tired. I resist sleep, though not because of nightmares. I do have an occasional one. I very rarely remember my dreams, the non-scary ones are beyond bizarre and in color. The Chantix drug I am on  to quit smoking is supposed to cause strange dreams..so far so good. My quit date was yesterday, didn't make it. I have enough Chantix to last till March..so March 21st it is. One of my high school girlfriend's birthday's...the day before mine.

All of us smoker's used to hang around and smoke at the bus stop, before and after. She never did. Her aunts, who all smoked, had put money into a trust for her. If she ever smoked she would forfeit it. I never knew if the story was true or not, but I loved it. When anybody in our group gave her crap about not smoking..I'd stick up for her. Smoking for me was a choice, not the result of peer pressure. I went to a party in WI early on in my Denny's career, didn't drink much that night. I felt a bit strange because all the girls were so young and then younger. They were giving one of the kids a hard time about not smoking. I remember saying leave her alone, whatever. She still has never smoked and never will. I am still proud of that and her... she has kids of her own now.

Dreams, nightmare's..being a server, sigh." Dennymare's"..where you are stuck at work, can't remember a d**n thing, the kitchen is messed up and you have a whole dining room full of angry, hungry people and more coming in the door. This was often reality, too...so many many times. The dream was easy, wake up. The reality, you could break down, walk out or keep going. You didn't get to break down till after..you just kept going. Sometimes you got help, and sometimes you didn't. Sometimes people came in and took the whole thing over, so not helpful really. Other times you realized you were helping out others too much...doing their job for them. Not really all that helpful, either.

I am hoping people don't mind that I am talking about them. I am not naming any names...LOL...not yet.(evil grin here) I am just kidding..

The next level? I have said that reality can bite and hard. You can try to live it as a dream, but there has to be a time where you wake up. You can break down, or walk out, or the best bet.. keep going. Sometimes you get help, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you are the one helping someone else.

I managed to do three projects today. I made appointments on the phone, which I hate doing. I finally got my Christmas tree down and packed away. Yes, I know it is February.. I will store it away tomorrow. I also let go of a person who I was using as a crutch. He is back to being an awesome friend. Thanks for letting me lean, I am getting the hang of it now. I smile here.

Have a great day or night and pleasant dreams..TTYAL.