bye, Angel..

Breaking an obsession is never an easy task. I have what has been called "addictive personality disorder". My addictions vary widely from minor to major and everything in between. I am putting my quote in now:

"You can never make the same mistake twice, because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice."

I made a choice. It is the second time I have tried this, it has proved very difficult. I don't think it is a mistake. It was past due, but God it hurts.

I have been praying a lot, sleeping and crying. It has proven to me that it was a wiser choice than a lot I have been making lately. I had a fixation on someone. It never should have happened in the first place. I never should have tried to pursue it or make it work, somehow. I had/have to get past it. I will. I hope.

I have to hold on to that hope, and other things.

I am trying not to over think it, which I tend to do. I am trying to get all this emotional crap out of my system, and I will feel better.

The fixation? I used everything in my power to not only make a connection, but force it. I have been acting out, in a way to cause chaos. A look-at-me, look-at-me type of response.

I have never met this person that I remember. I don't know them, I never knew them. They didn't know me and still don't. Nothing happened except me acting stupid. My head hurts. They helped me, they hurt me and didn't mean too. They are still my friend, somewhere, I just can't talk to them any more, ever. I asked them to block me and they agreed. They were also correct in saying that anything I did to myself has been on me.

I don't understand a lot of this, and maybe I am not supposed to. It makes me so sad. I do not want to be the person I am right now. This part of me, I abhor. The out-of-control part...the crazy section. The place of pain/happiness, ecstasy/despair and it is always a duality thing. A place where everything is better than real and worse than actuality. I can't stay here, though I have tried to.

I can force myself through to this place with drugs, alcohol, and pain...reality has really nothing to do with it. Now it is time to back away again and get back to.. a son who is sad, lonely, hungry and worried about me and himself. A girl who finds peace in her lonesomeness, a kind of social destruction, a puppy who thinks the whole world was designed to give him treats. lol My hubby who is so far away and works so hard. Damn you.

Dear God why? Why after so many many years, did you have to expose all my pain at once? I have no answers today. No levels, this page is about pain, loss, stupidity and obsessions. I may never post it. Or I may, just to show how human and crazy I can be. I know, sadly, there is people that can relate. Addicts. "effin morons" We do this to ourselves over and over, WHY?

I own no rights to this video, music or lyrics.




It is all one-sided, my obsessions. They don't love me back. Not the people, alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, jobs, books, drugs, none of it. The people are the trickiest and hardest. Sometimes they care, and that makes it worse. They can never care enough to fill the void. Assholes are easy to hate. Nice people, normal people, no..

I am so sorry. "goodbye stranger, its been nice. Hope you find your paradise, tried to see your point of view, hope all your dreams, will come true...goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane..will we ever meet again. feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow,  feel no pain..." Supertramp

Tomorrow will be another day, and I will be okay. That's how it works. Thanks for listening, ttyal.

U R LOLOL

I have been thinking about what to write for a couple of days. It tugs at my mind quite a bit. Good news first, I am still not smoking. Today was very difficult with that. I kept forgetting and would be wandering around looking for them. Then realize, duh. Other times it was a conscious thought, after I get out of the car, I used to have a smoke. After physical therapy, I used to have a smoke. Before I did my coupons, before grocery shopping, after grocery shopping. It was my reward for so many things. What a waste of time and money. I miss it, though.

I passed by smokers outside the grocery store before and after shopping. It smelled really good. LOL. D**n! As for me, I have NOT been doing so well. Whew! Physically, my intestines are still messed up, my old hernia is a bit better but not always.  The new one is getting worse. I spend a lot of time in bathrooms between my digestive system and my period. It is on-and-off again, for a week now. Aaargh! I have been trying to take the iron tablet at night. It makes me very nauseated. But I figure I am going to go to sleep anyway, hopefully.

Emotionally, my kids, the puppy, FB friends, hubby and even my therapist have all helped me through some rough patches, some without realizing it. I go through the rest of it alone. This has not been good at all. I have my ladies night tomorrow and I am very excited and nervous too. They are all so sweet. I do my physical therapy every week for my neck shoulder. It has been helping quite a bit.

I am not eating right or exercising and I feel it. I feel my controls slipping and it is really pissing me off. I try to accomplish my little goals for the day, and rewards?? I am not sure. Facebook is my pleasure and my drug. I realized today I spent 12 hours on, not continually, but..yeah, So not good. I have managed to not harass my stalkee, with any messages. My obsession with him continues to baffle me. It makes no sense at all. My other stalkee has been so awesome, one of the number one things keeping me on this side of sanity. He is a god-guy, and my beliefs bother him. I think, I don't know. My sex guy flirts. I have others who flirt too or are trying too and others who are perfectly legit male friends. It is cool.

I have woman friends. Wow! All kinds, all incredible. I am so excited about seeing them, as many as I can for my reunion next year. So many things are starting to look up and I remind myself of that. Marriage counselling? Renee's as yet, non-existent Asperger's group or coach, Max, perhaps involved in a sport. For me, a part-time job and maybe an art class, or exercise..I always wanted to learn kung-fu or judo. Money...holidays coming up. Birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween...yikes. Life is here, I have to stay in the right frame of mind and just not catch it, but grab it.

My addictions, Facebook, stalking, coffee, food, sex/love, drugs, alcohol, reading, blogging, it is a continual struggle right now. I replace one thing with another. Music and God for me are forever intertwined, I am trying to live the message. I am so tired of being alone. It gets so difficult to sort between the logical response and the emotional ones. Who, which part of me, do I let take control? This scares the hell out of me, I lost five hours today. I was eating lunch, doing coupons, went shopping, came home, put a lot of stuff away and um..it is all a bit hazy. Crap.

This morning, I woke up at 4 am and facebooked and yes, other stuff too until 9:15 am...um..shite. It is now almost midnight and I am at a loss of what to do. I have to get the kids off to school tomorrow and clean/cook/wash  I HATE housework.

me

I guess it is time for bed..sigh.

I own no rights to this song or lyrics..at all.

TTYAL..thanks for listening..comment if you like.

"See more than what's shown, hear more than what's said, and look

behind the actions to the motivations. Then, and only then, you will

understand"           Will I? lolol

Yawn!

I am sitting with a warm puppy on my lap. I am full, been eating on and off all day. Whew! I will need to get up eventually to either go to the bathroom or something. LOL. For now, though it is good. I can hear my kids video upstairs, but not too loudly. I am emotionally calm for the first time in days. It feels really really good. I slept most of the day away, didn't really do much of anything.

I am not feeling guilty about this. Okay, the eating part a bit. I need to get some controls in place. By not smoking, I tend to be hungrier. As for the rest of it, my feelings? I have been on an emotional roller coaster for so long now. When I plateau, it is really amazing. I can look back and realize how out-of -control I have been. I know this level won't last forever either. I will be back at something else that turns me around, or inside out.

Why? Good question, I guess because this is the way I have always been. I am starting to figure out the why's of some things. I am also realizing that there is a whole lot of stuff that I will never figure out. Either about myself or others, and for now..that is okay too. This will be back to bother me. Not today, though. I have gone through enough turmoil, I welcome this respite.

Calm, deep breathing, the eye of the storm? LOL, perhaps.

I have seen tornado's in real life, though not big one's up close. I have seen the damage Mother Nature can do and have always been impressed and humbled. I am glad I have never been in an actual hurricane. I am grateful I have food, shelter, and love. I have family and friends. I am not wishing today, just expressing gratitude, I guess. Wow!

I am tired again, my anemia? Probably, but I love sleep. There is much worse things than feeling tired or discouraged. I will still be here for now. Thanks for listening as always. I find it incredible that people actually read this. I hope it helps someone else. I don't always have the mental stability I'd like to achieve, but one step at a time.

I really wonder what puppies dream about? Jack makes such cute noises in his sleep..Have a great night or day wherever you are.

Yawn, stretch, TTYAL.

Ten Reasons to Quit Smoking.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

3:12 PM

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)


2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.


3. Breathe


4. Feel better


5. Smell better


6. Have control


7. Stay alive longer


8. Make me happy to succeed.


9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy


10. I said I would, somehow.

:-) My list..everyone's is different.

You Are Going to Know..

I said good-bye to my hubby again, back to Utah he goes. It is only for one month, and he is going to be able to fly home for his off-times. Okay. I would like to say whatever, I don't give a shit. I can't because I do care. This is ripping me up inside. I don't want him gone, and especially not so far away. I have other friends who are going through worse nightmares than me. I feel even worse being a big cry-baby about it. I don't want to do this.

It is not surprising that my depression is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I hurt all over and am crying sad. I am so damn tired, it is beyond bullshit. Yet, I sleep for crap. I crave my smokes, and am glad I don't have them. I am also glad my stomach hurts so bad, it prevents me from over-eating. I have been having crying jags again, my kids help with these. I try to go do something, find something else to do. Distraction.

Jack the puppy helps and drives me nuts, too. He knows how sad I am. He won't leave me alone. It is a mixed blessing. He really stinks. I am very disappointed in the pet groomer's this time. I don't think they emptied his anals and his wash? It wasn't very good. He's got really bad dandruff. All this negativity..I know. It really isn't helping.

I see my surgeon Monday. Whatever.

I see my therapist Tuesday. I really don't think our relationship is working. He did help me, but we have stalled or reached a wall or something. I am so frustrated with it all. I can't even explain that. I had such hopes of reaching some kind of relief or feeling better or something. I feel worse..about myself, about my life, about everything. I am still an Fb addict and stalker. I still am depressed and lonely. I am still a lousy parent. My hubby is still a drunk.

The only bonus, I quit smoking. That was me and my hypnotist. My kids help a lot with this. My hubby does not, did not, not really. My girlfriend or his mom, either. Except, at some point they would all reek so bad of smoke that it was a big turn-off. I keep looking for my smokes at times and then realize they aren't there. The calming point is that it is okay. I don't need them. I would like to be that way with fb. If I could find the switch that turns desperation into peace. The stupid part is I have it every once in awhile. I can fake it with pain meds and booze, knowing it isn't real. The pain meds are going to run out, though there is ways to get more. There is always an ocean of booze to drown in...I have swam there before.

Did I say I am tired? LOLOL. My doctor's office called and told me I am really anemic, again. Yep, told you nothing has changed. I can't take the iron pills at all..tried but was really bad. Oh, well.

Praying? I am still praying, and the sad part is I have met some really awesome god-type people who really do shine. There way isn't for me. I wish I could explain that. No. Some of them have helped me a lot, others have hurt me even more. The dumb part is when I let them. I wish.

My therapist ends every session with that question, what do you wish for right now? I wish I could wake-up and realize it has all been a very strange dream. Except my reality is too real and my fantasies are too fuzzy. My dreams? I can't talk about those. All I am trying to fix is me, I am the broken one. There is so many others but I can't help them.

I will cheer up, this is just one of my many faces..my emotional masks I become and cycle through. Crazy, yes. My one friend called it my "pity party". He's got a point, I am not sure how to stop playing it. LOl, I will bore myself with it, I hope soon and be done with it. The question the other day was do you know someone who is still alive because you didn't want to go to jail or hell? Hah.

Levels, changing the world? So many people are just striving to survive. Others are working at what they think is important. This changes. Tomorrow is another day, another dawn..I'll still be here, hopefully in a better mood. Today? Today is done. Thanks for listening. Love you all..schmuck that I am..have a wondrous tomorrow.

People see God every day, they just don't recognize him. ~Pearl Bailey 

..when the bullet hits the bone. I own no right to this song or video..

A Spoonful of Sugar..

It has not been a good week. It has been a very poor day today. I don't feel well. I haven't for a week, mostly my stomach. Now I have a cough, headache, chills and hot/cold flashes, plus nausea. I usually say, well, I have felt better. I have felt worse, so I'll keep it at that. Fudge!

I do swear, with real swear words and everything. I have been trying not to. My kids have picked up my habit. They don't even know what a lot of the words mean, but ouch! It does bother me. I try to keep my swear words for times that really really deserve a "bad" word. It makes it more effective. My therapist discussed my kids quite a bit this time.Yep, I am a 'sucky' parent. My words not his. He is much more positive.

My husband is actually worse than me as a parent, mostly. I am not being mean, he does agree. My kids, wow! It is amazing that they have turned out as well as they have, all things considered. My hubby is almost never home. When he is here, he is working on a project, and getting drunk. Then, he goes and crashes. He tries in his own way. For a while, he was overcompensating with guilt. He kept buying them more and more electronic toys and gizmo's. He does his sweet best in his own way. I just don't know.

The hardest part is him showing respect to me and not undermining the achievements we have accomplished or are working on. My kids will end up parroting everything he has said for weeks. Funny how they pick up on the stuff that really annoys me. I think it is a special talent. Jack moons around after he has left. The dog adores him. Though, I do admit I am Jack's favorite person. I am not sure when that happened, but it is true. *sigh. He really does stink. He is, of course, asleep on my legs right now.

I have so many things I'd like to say to this person or that person, but no. I need to stop this. I let the depression take control, then washed it down with booze and pills. Funny, I do know better. It made the depression, worse of course. It always does. I think that is so I have something else to berate myself later. It is an ugly cycle.

I am faced with a lot of choices of what I do next with my life. I can stay on the couch and cry on Facebook and this blog. I can get up and join something, anything, where I go out and meet some folks. I can't join AA, and not because alcohol isn't my favorite addiction. I avoid people right now, situations. I have isolated myself from the world some accidentally, some on purpose. Why?

Because I am a love/sex addict. I know that. I also know I have very little control right now. I have enough regrets, I don't need to add a heaping bunch of more. Hanging with alkies and drug addicts, LOL. I know I would fit in. I know if any of them fell off the wagon, so to speak.. I'd be there. It would also give me access to the men and drugs I crave from people who know and could/would prey on that weakness. Great.

I have stayed straight so many years by playing stupid. Avoiding situations where I could get "effed up" or hanging with people who did. I knew who did what drugs, who the players were and avoided them or made it a joke. After awhile, I was respectable and didn't have to worry about shite..plus. I am middle-aged now. I really don't have men or woman after me much anymore. I am really not "hot" and never was. I am too old for all that crap now. LOLOL.

Today, tomorrow..I hope I am feeling better. I see my surgeon on Monday. I need to make dentist appointments, grocery shop, pay a library fine, bring my son's immunization record to school. In other words, get back to my life. Other options, I don't know yet. One step at a time.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL.

‎"I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part." ~Shirley MacLaine

my family

She played a lot of different parts and had a great time. I do admire that. The title of this blog refers to a song from Mary Poppins.."A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." Something very sweet to cover up the awful taste of something to make you feel better. Works for other things as well..

Holy Hallelujah, Batman!

I am having such a hard time keeping it real today. Everything emotional keeps crashing into me. PMS, yes..figured that out later. But, Holy Hallelujah, Batman..or in other words WTFH! Trying to keep a lid on it really didn't work, I cried on-and-off desperate all day. I couldn't hide it from my kids, couldn't even hide it from the dog. I am so wrung out right now. I am now having a hot flash too. Yeah, this just keeps getting more fun. LOL-OMG. Jack, off my neck please..

The kids are in bed, I doubt very much that they are asleep. I hope they do get some. I have to wake them up. Crabby gets a whole new definition from the both of us. They will complain about breakfast choices. I am a terrible mom and will try to get them to eat something healthy. They probably won't eat at all or will grab some junk food.  Renee will eat leftovers, pizza, etc. Which isn't so bad. Max sneaks soda. Very, very bad. They will leave and then I can go talk to my therapist.

I don't want to talk to him this week. I never do. At the same time that I know I have to. This becomes a strange desire or desperate kind of urge. Great, now I have the feeling of bugs crawling all over me. This is a lovely symptom of being pre-menopausal. The only thing that works is benadryl. Which will knock me out. It is okay, I need to sleep anyway. Not yet though.

My hubby is at work, coming home now. He got called in. I believe him and I don't. We shall see. This did not help with the emotional sobbiness today. Nope, was most truly a major factor.

I talked with a friend that finds me, I really don't know. I know I piss him off and annoy him. I don't mean too, I want him to like me. I do admit I stalk him. He has answers to things I want to know about. I am not asking the right questions. I think of him now as a brother who got taken at birth and was raised by "real" people. I guess he has forgiven me again for bugging him, again. I hope.

Canyon Lake, AZ

My other stalkee is sweet about it. He answers even my most dumbest questions without judging me or being a jerk of any kind. I try not to get antsy if he doesn't answer me. I am a FB addict. I spread my addiction over a lot of friends who all mean a lot to me, in various degrees. The emotions and feelings are true. I really do care, even when I don't want to at times. Though I have to admit, it is not all gloom and doom. No, most is just regular life, and my friends are funny, smart and individuals. It is awesome.

My therapist has given me a bunch of paths, choices...most all of which we have discussed before. All of them require work..or giving up. I know this, knew this, but have been trying to avoid it. I am so tired.

Next step, next level, I talk about it, can I do it?

I don't know yet, which is a put-off answer. :-) TTYAL, thanks for listening.

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

Oscar Wilde

Oh what fools..duh.

I still feel like hell, this is why I say I don't drink. UGH! My hubby has been poking fun at me as he is an accomplished alcoholic. I had two Smirnoff's sour green apple malt beverages last night. That's it for the booze. I reminded my husband that I had already taken a 1/2 dose of pain meds and an anti-anxiety sleepy pill, a shot of benadryl, and heartburn medication. There is also the fact that I am now on 2 anti-depressants. Drug-free, my ass, I didn't even take this much shite when I was using every day. Of course then I would have upped everything till I wouldn't have known my own name if you asked me. Progress?

I could have really really done without the booze or pain-meds. I have my doubts about the anti-anxiety pills, they don't really calm me, just make me tired. The benadryl knocks me out and keeps me from itching..I had mosquito bites. The happy pills really do keep me from crying all the time. Why so much sadness? I don't really know, this is the stuff I try to talk to my therapist about. I admit I am frustrated with that a bit at the moment.

I have about three guys on my FB page I need to block. They annoy me. Hi beautiful, is the normal line..lolol. Are you serious? I haven't talked to any of them and won't. My other friends, two tragic deaths..people I didn't even know. I hurt for my friends knowing and feeling the pain they are in. I have three friends who are all expecting soon. Yeah! I am happy that one of my friends left her boyfriend, hopefully for good. I am hoping she is okay, she's strong, though. I have two friends who are engaged. They are so sweet.

There is more FB stuff, I am an addict remember? I feel besides my hangover's that last for days, like a fool. Repeating the mistakes I have done before, which means what? My one friend tells me that it means I am not ready for the next step. He is usually right. My other friend chastised me and suggested I break off contact. OK, I guess, I don't know. I am just so incredibly sad today. I haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days. I feel, on top of my hangover, like shit. I can't face another surgery, not now and nowhere in the immediate future. No more tests, no more BS.

Pity party? Pats On the back? What I need is the talking mirror that tells me I need to exercise, and eat right, pay attention to my kids, and gives encouragement. You are doing good not smoking, kudos for not eating that ice cream drumstick that you know will make you barf. LOL, some minions would be great, too. I am laughing at myself now, because that is what I do. It is what I have always done. I can get all serious and stupid but at a certain point. Good god, shut it already. Thanks for letting me whine about my life. I am including two pictures of Canyon Lake, AZ where we went for a boat ride today. TTYAL and have a wondrous day.

But God didn't put us here on earth just to feel good and enjoy ourselves.Craig Groeschel