Well, another day done, almost. I have a pumpkin pie cooling. It is too hot to put in the fridge yet. But, I can't leave it out all night either. No, it isn't home-made, home-baked from frozen..pies are one of my favorite treats. I leave making them to the pro's. My pies are good, but it is so not worth the hassle. I may have already mentioned my Grandma ruined me, she made the best apple pie ever. No lie, I have done extensive research over the years...a few were close. No, not really.
Abby is doing great last I heard. She is healing up from her operation and will start the formula soon. Then, fingers crossed, she gets to go home for the first time ever. I am so excited for her and her family. She's not only fought so hard this far, she is improving. Thanks for any and all prayers and well-wishes. I had the date wrong, not surprising, but God knows who she is and what she needed.
I didn't go swimming today or yesterday and it irks me. It has been cooler in the morning and I got lazy. I have been yo-yoing with PMS or I don't even know what. Up, down, turn around..and see that it isn't doing me any good. My friend tells me the key is progress, not perfection. I usually learn more from my mistakes than my successes, but that gets old very quick. It is so nice to win, sometimes. First shot, first try, Whammo! Ongoing processes really are work.
I was re-reading some blogs. Wow, I am a positive person. I am laughing, quirky though. My first blog was about being stuck in the deset suburb with my kids, puppy and a hubby that works too far away. None of that has changed. I am still a Facebook addict. mmhmm. I still smoke *sigh. I see a hypnotherapist Tuesday. I am uber-excited. E-cigs did not do well for me.
I will talk about my medical mayhem in a minute. What has changed from blog one? My friend did re-friend me and he has helped me a lot. I no longer stalk him. I have even more friends that make my day. I try to return the favor. My friends are funny, smart, complex, and so much more. They give me hope.
I got the results back from my CT, I have two more hernias, plus my recurrent one. My original hernia needs repair, it had stuck to my abdomen wall and to the mesh. They need to open it up and hope for the best, it may be stuck to my intestines as well. which means resecting the bowel. The other problem was a very small nodule on my adrenal glands. Finally a result that means something. This would explain my blood pressure issues and a whole slew of other symptoms I have been battling for years.
I am back for more tests, still a Zebra. I am keeping an open mind. They either find something or they don't. I am poorer but no worse off. The bottom line is I can't go back to serving. My feet, my hands, my hernia and my shoulder/neck. The years took their toll. I do need to find a way to make an income. So many bills..:(
I have a few more things to say but, getting tired now. Sleep, than morning pie and a cup of joe. Yes, to the little hummingbird that cheered me up yesterday, thanks.
Life moves on whether we are ready willing and able, next step, next level..the possibilities boggle the mind. I hope this helps someone else now. We all have problems and issues. Face them and keep progressing. thanks for listening, ttyal.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
ZZZ!
Just a quick blog tonight as I am really tired. Today had its up and downs, mostly ups. I got to spend family time in the pool with my kids and hubby. Sweet!
My hubby and I had a talk about a few things. I am not sure of all our plans and goals are meshing together yet. But, it is a start.
My Fb page today included some of the usual, a birth, 2 deaths, a new job, loss of a job, bitching about their job..lol. Politics, and the economy..so much.
There was pics of kids, pets, places and people. There was quotes, music, bible verses, jokes and one of my favorite parts...people bolstering others.
I am asking for special prayers for those who are battling addictions and their families, cancer, money woes, weather extremes, sickness, and for Abby, the little angel. She gets her tube tomorrow and may be able to go home. Her seizures are done and her brain is healing more and more every day. Yey! If the family gives me permission, I will post a pic of her.
My blog about her has been the most read. She is incredible.
I asked people what they wished for, I was just curious. I kept trying to think of what I wished the most. I truly wish I could grant wishes.
Good night blog reader's, or morning, afternoon wherever you may be. Thank you all for listening and I will TTYAL.
My hubby and I had a talk about a few things. I am not sure of all our plans and goals are meshing together yet. But, it is a start.
My Fb page today included some of the usual, a birth, 2 deaths, a new job, loss of a job, bitching about their job..lol. Politics, and the economy..so much.
There was pics of kids, pets, places and people. There was quotes, music, bible verses, jokes and one of my favorite parts...people bolstering others.
I am asking for special prayers for those who are battling addictions and their families, cancer, money woes, weather extremes, sickness, and for Abby, the little angel. She gets her tube tomorrow and may be able to go home. Her seizures are done and her brain is healing more and more every day. Yey! If the family gives me permission, I will post a pic of her.
My blog about her has been the most read. She is incredible.
I asked people what they wished for, I was just curious. I kept trying to think of what I wished the most. I truly wish I could grant wishes.
Good night blog reader's, or morning, afternoon wherever you may be. Thank you all for listening and I will TTYAL.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Rainy Days and Mondays..always make me High.
The depression is taking over today. I am fighting against it and trying to stay afloat. I was in the pool holding onto a swim noodle. My feet weren't touching and the current just kept swirling me around slowly in a circle. A different viewpoint and thought for every 1/4 or 1/8 turn. I could look at the sky and realize my face was burning. Or put the back of my head in the water and not listen to a sound except underwater gurgle. Awh gheeze. I am so tired.
Getting up, putting on dry clothes, perhaps will help. Tears are for fools and babies and I have been foolish long enough. Time to grow up? I wish.
Yesterday, today, the next..it is hitting hard. Different activities keep it at bay for awhile. Then I am caught up in it, again. Knowing it is so stupid. Trying so hard not to show it to the world, or my kids. The kids know, the puppy knows, the sadness and tears have taken over. I have so many regrets, not of the past as much as the present. What the eff am I doing here?
It is beyond hot, dusty and humid as well, today. I don't miss the Mid-west cold, snow and ice or mosquitos and biting ladybugs. I miss rain, the green, shade, Spring and Fall...raspberries and fireflies. My plants, flowers, and friends, even though I was lonely there too. Not as much, I had more alternatives. OMG! Please help me Lord. I am so sad and the tears don't fade and the pain hurts.
My hubby is on his way home tomorrow, I talk to my therapist too. My daughter, held me up. She's been there in the darkness too. I should be helping her, not the other way around. Or maybe this is the way it was supposed to happen, right now. She sees my pain, too.
My hubby promised he'd get transferred, find a new job, be home by the end of July/August. With all my new medical bills, he decided he has to stay on until the Christmas bonus in December. He will be able to come home for my surgery. He counts that as an answer.
I have reached my limit and beyond.
This is not the end of it, though.
Since my last mental breakdown, I have been slowly getting myself back together. I have done this before more times than I want to admit. This part makes people uncomfortable. They can handle the pain of depression, or the jitters of anxiety. Facing the thought of more than one person inside yourself is the topic of comedian's jokes. We laugh about things we are scared of. Sit-coms finding the " psycho/serial murderer", "Sybil", or the "Three Faces of Eve" is what flashes through people's heads. I am not a schizophrenic or have true multiple personalities, which is extremely rare. A very very small percentage of them are violent to others or are capable of what those shows portray. Most are locked inside themselves with no way out.
I am not "normal" either. LOL
As a child in Lockport, Il I was held down by a group of kids, kindergarteners who were my own age. They had been my friends, one girl and two boys. I had lied and said I had a belly-button telephone. I refused to admit that I lied or show them the proof. On the way home from school, they chased me, caught me and held me down on the ground while they pulled my clothes up and down. The boys were shocked at my privates, my ex-girl friend less so. They were even more unhappy about the lack of a phone. They left and I pulled myself together and went home crying. Where I got in trouble from my mom for being late from school and with dirty hair and clothes. We were late for church, and it was all my fault. I did not tell anyone, didn't talk to anyone.
I started learning about survival. The books I devoured all had hero's who were brave or scared but kept going. I, at first, had my sister as my shield. When she couldn't be there I learned to find a personality trait that could help me make it through. Being shy, funny, outrageous, quiet..when I got older I learned how to use my wit and brains and point out people's weaknesses. I could be cruel. I learned that honesty was a double-edged sword that can cut both ways. I learned eventually that kindness hurts more than meanness. Being ignored or invisible was okay, as long as I could get away with something. I got a lot of other people in trouble, mostly in class. It was a blast for me, not the trouble part but having fun with them.
All my lives were separate. There was family life, there was church, there was school in the classroom, during recess and on the bus. There was the neighborhood, and there was my imagination and my books. I could be whoever, whenever, wherever. When I was afraid or unsure, I could let the hero part take over, when I was bored, I became the instigator, when I was hurt, I could play the victim. I learned that looks really do matter and girls/ woman were treated differently. Sex could be a weapon. Drugs and alcohol were another separate life. Most all of this was unintentional, it just happened.
In high school theater, I got small speaking roles. I loved it! To become someone else entirely and the friends I made there were incredible. Smart, fun, wacky..it was another world I could fit into.
When I started waitressing, I learned how to have a front mask. The more true I could make it the more money I made. I learned how to re-make myself, it wasn't always pretty at first, but I could pull myself together and keep moving on.
I can do the same now, except this time I am facing my terrors and fears. They say when you are using you are halted developmentally at that age. I am back at thirteen, aargh(!) with the experience of twenty more plus years. The hormone overload I have been in is a reverse of that past time. I am still dealing with a "crush" on someone. It comes complete with emotional ups, downs, corniness and total "adult" embarassment. My friends tell me that these "rides" will be gone after my hysterectomy. Yey! and Thank GOD!
Today is a new dawn, soon. It is raining in the desert. Monsoon season has begun. I love the rain and energy. For me there is always hope on the horizon, staying clean, sticking with reality and taking care of my responsibilities as a parent, wife, house and dog owner. My FB friends give me so much support.
There isn't any right or wrong answers here. Finding a level I am comfortable with and facing another one, that isn't easy with a new twist. Keep going my friends and enjoy the journey. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!
from Jackie Papandrew, author of Airing My Dirty Laundry: "I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."
Getting up, putting on dry clothes, perhaps will help. Tears are for fools and babies and I have been foolish long enough. Time to grow up? I wish.
Yesterday, today, the next..it is hitting hard. Different activities keep it at bay for awhile. Then I am caught up in it, again. Knowing it is so stupid. Trying so hard not to show it to the world, or my kids. The kids know, the puppy knows, the sadness and tears have taken over. I have so many regrets, not of the past as much as the present. What the eff am I doing here?
It is beyond hot, dusty and humid as well, today. I don't miss the Mid-west cold, snow and ice or mosquitos and biting ladybugs. I miss rain, the green, shade, Spring and Fall...raspberries and fireflies. My plants, flowers, and friends, even though I was lonely there too. Not as much, I had more alternatives. OMG! Please help me Lord. I am so sad and the tears don't fade and the pain hurts.
My hubby is on his way home tomorrow, I talk to my therapist too. My daughter, held me up. She's been there in the darkness too. I should be helping her, not the other way around. Or maybe this is the way it was supposed to happen, right now. She sees my pain, too.
My hubby promised he'd get transferred, find a new job, be home by the end of July/August. With all my new medical bills, he decided he has to stay on until the Christmas bonus in December. He will be able to come home for my surgery. He counts that as an answer.
I have reached my limit and beyond.
This is not the end of it, though.
Since my last mental breakdown, I have been slowly getting myself back together. I have done this before more times than I want to admit. This part makes people uncomfortable. They can handle the pain of depression, or the jitters of anxiety. Facing the thought of more than one person inside yourself is the topic of comedian's jokes. We laugh about things we are scared of. Sit-coms finding the " psycho/serial murderer", "Sybil", or the "Three Faces of Eve" is what flashes through people's heads. I am not a schizophrenic or have true multiple personalities, which is extremely rare. A very very small percentage of them are violent to others or are capable of what those shows portray. Most are locked inside themselves with no way out.
I am not "normal" either. LOL
As a child in Lockport, Il I was held down by a group of kids, kindergarteners who were my own age. They had been my friends, one girl and two boys. I had lied and said I had a belly-button telephone. I refused to admit that I lied or show them the proof. On the way home from school, they chased me, caught me and held me down on the ground while they pulled my clothes up and down. The boys were shocked at my privates, my ex-girl friend less so. They were even more unhappy about the lack of a phone. They left and I pulled myself together and went home crying. Where I got in trouble from my mom for being late from school and with dirty hair and clothes. We were late for church, and it was all my fault. I did not tell anyone, didn't talk to anyone.
I started learning about survival. The books I devoured all had hero's who were brave or scared but kept going. I, at first, had my sister as my shield. When she couldn't be there I learned to find a personality trait that could help me make it through. Being shy, funny, outrageous, quiet..when I got older I learned how to use my wit and brains and point out people's weaknesses. I could be cruel. I learned that honesty was a double-edged sword that can cut both ways. I learned eventually that kindness hurts more than meanness. Being ignored or invisible was okay, as long as I could get away with something. I got a lot of other people in trouble, mostly in class. It was a blast for me, not the trouble part but having fun with them.
All my lives were separate. There was family life, there was church, there was school in the classroom, during recess and on the bus. There was the neighborhood, and there was my imagination and my books. I could be whoever, whenever, wherever. When I was afraid or unsure, I could let the hero part take over, when I was bored, I became the instigator, when I was hurt, I could play the victim. I learned that looks really do matter and girls/ woman were treated differently. Sex could be a weapon. Drugs and alcohol were another separate life. Most all of this was unintentional, it just happened.
In high school theater, I got small speaking roles. I loved it! To become someone else entirely and the friends I made there were incredible. Smart, fun, wacky..it was another world I could fit into.
When I started waitressing, I learned how to have a front mask. The more true I could make it the more money I made. I learned how to re-make myself, it wasn't always pretty at first, but I could pull myself together and keep moving on.
I can do the same now, except this time I am facing my terrors and fears. They say when you are using you are halted developmentally at that age. I am back at thirteen, aargh(!) with the experience of twenty more plus years. The hormone overload I have been in is a reverse of that past time. I am still dealing with a "crush" on someone. It comes complete with emotional ups, downs, corniness and total "adult" embarassment. My friends tell me that these "rides" will be gone after my hysterectomy. Yey! and Thank GOD!
Today is a new dawn, soon. It is raining in the desert. Monsoon season has begun. I love the rain and energy. For me there is always hope on the horizon, staying clean, sticking with reality and taking care of my responsibilities as a parent, wife, house and dog owner. My FB friends give me so much support.
There isn't any right or wrong answers here. Finding a level I am comfortable with and facing another one, that isn't easy with a new twist. Keep going my friends and enjoy the journey. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!
from Jackie Papandrew, author of Airing My Dirty Laundry: "I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."
 |
| I am the Year, Day and Hour of the Dragon. |
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Knowing
Simply Positive
" Staying positive & optimistic despite constant chaos, busy life, drama, sickness, pain, & issues is mental WORK! The tougher your life at the moment, the MORE you need to make it a daily priority to constantly focus on controlling your thoughts AND creating constant new positive ones to deflect the negative ones. You need to outweigh EACH negative thought w/ a positive one. EACH one. Balance thoughts. :)
"
yeah, okay.
I am laughing here. I know I am not the only one. My thoughts are constantly swirling. Some surface and can be very negative, others are extremely positive. Most of them, can go one way or the other. As an addict, the goal was to drug, drown or kill this chaos of thought and emotion. Let the good times out, sometimes, and feel no pain or ecstasy and then numbness. Losing all control of mind, body and spirit so you didn't have to be accountable for anything you said or did.
I do miss it sometimes, crave it at others. I have enough experience now to know I don't always like the beast that emerges. I hate losing my control or balance now. I don't care for the aftereffects, I hold myself accountable for my own self. I like sober, straight me way better...for the most part. It gets boring and tedious too, work. LOL, that is when I know I am brooding again. Humor is a kind of gravy through this whole mix. Friends and family add spice, insights and glue. They help me hold myself together.
I am exhausted. I am trying to convince myself that I'm not. Mind over matter, but I am really really tired. (yawn). I have an hour to kill before my daughter's piano lesson. I don't think I can stay for the 1/2 hour. The teacher has two litters of beagle puppies. They are beyond cute, but with the temps in the 100+ range, they can't stay outside. The house reeks of bleach, throw-up, dog doo and pee. She has them in two plastic wading pools that she cleans three times a day. Way, way too much work for me. Times are hard, you do what you have to do. She sells them to good homes and makes a small profit.
I have to feed the kids then, we will be going out. I should have gone grocery shopping on Tues, Wed or today. Now I have my CT tomorrow morning.
I am not excited about this, this will be my fourth one in the last 10 years. Some people get claustrophobic, I just hate the cost and time of it. It takes forever. I'll be there, I am figuring about 5 hours or so. The medical staff will have me fill out paperwork that I have filled out a 100 times and then don't read it. I swear. Or they find one thing to repeat over and over again...the one time was about allergies. I had 7-10 different nurses ask me what my allergies were once while waiting for a surgery. I got grumpy and then got yelled at. I think if just one of them had listened to my answer, and wrote it down it would have been cool.
I am being a whiny butt. LOL. I know I am a bit of a hypochondriac. Really, I do. I also think I have had more than my fair share of misdiagnosis errors, medical mistakes, and weird diseases or syndromes. I busted the pharmacy tonight, I went for my re-fill they called me for. Which one is it? The one I don't take anymore. When I informed him of that, he realized that they have been issuing two anti-depressants that don't mix. "You realize you can't take those together?" He was shaken and should be. I worked in a pharmacy, you are liable for stupid errors like that. I am so glad I can read and question things.
I had one of my fb friends call a girl a whore tonight for admitting to using birth control. Wow, I am still stunned and I shouldn't be. I did point out that birth control is prescribed to girls for reasons other than to prevent pregnancy from having sex. It really isn't the point though. I have been there and done that and been called that and a few other not-so-nice judgemental labels. I have to say that the people, guys and girls who called me this were either worse than me..or somewhere in their mind wanted to be. They had at some point in their life labeled that kind of behavior as taboo or a sin, and judged. Jesus didn't. He wept. I don't think it was because of promiscuity. It was because people were closed off to his message and his sacrifice.
I admit here I am not a true Christian and most likely never will be. I am one he weeps for or hopes for. I honor a lot of his teaching. I read the New Testament and a lot of the old. Is he the Son of God? Hmm..maybe, is that what is important? Who his dad was? He did change the world for good and evil. I have quite a few friends who are true Christians and devout, they are awesome people that I respect. Their faith inspires them to be better people, and they live it. I love them. Some other folks use their religion as a shield or wall to hide behind. They profess, and preach and are almost complete a-holes to everyone around them except the few who agree with everything they say. The holier-than-thou types, you know who I mean. Ugh. I avoid them, and try not to judge, really.
My one friend laughed at me and said,"Laura, you really can't start a religion of one." Sure I can, it is what it is. I found my God and continually work on this relationship. I am still more of a sinner than a saint, but I do have my moments. I have doubts, not that God is, but what his plan for me is. I know he is laughing. I laugh, sometimes, when I get the joke, too.
I am more worried about my kids tomorrow then me. I wish my hubby was home. I have been through all my CT's before, not quite alone, but never with someone. I have also had temper tantrums and took out my own IV's twice. Yuk, they are longer than you think. I also have had four IV's..um, don't know the technical term, swell my whole arm or hand vein up and explode all over the place. I have been overdosed with the wrong medicine, a whole bag of Magnesium, that one was awful. I almost had the wrong hand operated on. LOLOL. There is more. Another time perhaps?
I had to cut a part here for reasons out of my control...if you did read this before Thank You! Another time and place, it is still good and forever in my heart..knowing that you don't appreciate what you have in life until it is either threatened or somebody else shows you how by example.
From my friend Tommy V, not sure where he got it. Thanks! Working on rule #2. The only person who can truly change you is you. Live, love, and be loved. It is out there.
Thanks for listening, ttyal.
![]()
" Staying positive & optimistic despite constant chaos, busy life, drama, sickness, pain, & issues is mental WORK! The tougher your life at the moment, the MORE you need to make it a daily priority to constantly focus on controlling your thoughts AND creating constant new positive ones to deflect the negative ones. You need to outweigh EACH negative thought w/ a positive one. EACH one. Balance thoughts. :)
"yeah, okay.
I am laughing here. I know I am not the only one. My thoughts are constantly swirling. Some surface and can be very negative, others are extremely positive. Most of them, can go one way or the other. As an addict, the goal was to drug, drown or kill this chaos of thought and emotion. Let the good times out, sometimes, and feel no pain or ecstasy and then numbness. Losing all control of mind, body and spirit so you didn't have to be accountable for anything you said or did.
I do miss it sometimes, crave it at others. I have enough experience now to know I don't always like the beast that emerges. I hate losing my control or balance now. I don't care for the aftereffects, I hold myself accountable for my own self. I like sober, straight me way better...for the most part. It gets boring and tedious too, work. LOL, that is when I know I am brooding again. Humor is a kind of gravy through this whole mix. Friends and family add spice, insights and glue. They help me hold myself together.
I am exhausted. I am trying to convince myself that I'm not. Mind over matter, but I am really really tired. (yawn). I have an hour to kill before my daughter's piano lesson. I don't think I can stay for the 1/2 hour. The teacher has two litters of beagle puppies. They are beyond cute, but with the temps in the 100+ range, they can't stay outside. The house reeks of bleach, throw-up, dog doo and pee. She has them in two plastic wading pools that she cleans three times a day. Way, way too much work for me. Times are hard, you do what you have to do. She sells them to good homes and makes a small profit.
I have to feed the kids then, we will be going out. I should have gone grocery shopping on Tues, Wed or today. Now I have my CT tomorrow morning.
I am not excited about this, this will be my fourth one in the last 10 years. Some people get claustrophobic, I just hate the cost and time of it. It takes forever. I'll be there, I am figuring about 5 hours or so. The medical staff will have me fill out paperwork that I have filled out a 100 times and then don't read it. I swear. Or they find one thing to repeat over and over again...the one time was about allergies. I had 7-10 different nurses ask me what my allergies were once while waiting for a surgery. I got grumpy and then got yelled at. I think if just one of them had listened to my answer, and wrote it down it would have been cool.
I am being a whiny butt. LOL. I know I am a bit of a hypochondriac. Really, I do. I also think I have had more than my fair share of misdiagnosis errors, medical mistakes, and weird diseases or syndromes. I busted the pharmacy tonight, I went for my re-fill they called me for. Which one is it? The one I don't take anymore. When I informed him of that, he realized that they have been issuing two anti-depressants that don't mix. "You realize you can't take those together?" He was shaken and should be. I worked in a pharmacy, you are liable for stupid errors like that. I am so glad I can read and question things.
I had one of my fb friends call a girl a whore tonight for admitting to using birth control. Wow, I am still stunned and I shouldn't be. I did point out that birth control is prescribed to girls for reasons other than to prevent pregnancy from having sex. It really isn't the point though. I have been there and done that and been called that and a few other not-so-nice judgemental labels. I have to say that the people, guys and girls who called me this were either worse than me..or somewhere in their mind wanted to be. They had at some point in their life labeled that kind of behavior as taboo or a sin, and judged. Jesus didn't. He wept. I don't think it was because of promiscuity. It was because people were closed off to his message and his sacrifice.
I admit here I am not a true Christian and most likely never will be. I am one he weeps for or hopes for. I honor a lot of his teaching. I read the New Testament and a lot of the old. Is he the Son of God? Hmm..maybe, is that what is important? Who his dad was? He did change the world for good and evil. I have quite a few friends who are true Christians and devout, they are awesome people that I respect. Their faith inspires them to be better people, and they live it. I love them. Some other folks use their religion as a shield or wall to hide behind. They profess, and preach and are almost complete a-holes to everyone around them except the few who agree with everything they say. The holier-than-thou types, you know who I mean. Ugh. I avoid them, and try not to judge, really.
My one friend laughed at me and said,"Laura, you really can't start a religion of one." Sure I can, it is what it is. I found my God and continually work on this relationship. I am still more of a sinner than a saint, but I do have my moments. I have doubts, not that God is, but what his plan for me is. I know he is laughing. I laugh, sometimes, when I get the joke, too.
I am more worried about my kids tomorrow then me. I wish my hubby was home. I have been through all my CT's before, not quite alone, but never with someone. I have also had temper tantrums and took out my own IV's twice. Yuk, they are longer than you think. I also have had four IV's..um, don't know the technical term, swell my whole arm or hand vein up and explode all over the place. I have been overdosed with the wrong medicine, a whole bag of Magnesium, that one was awful. I almost had the wrong hand operated on. LOLOL. There is more. Another time perhaps?
I had to cut a part here for reasons out of my control...if you did read this before Thank You! Another time and place, it is still good and forever in my heart..knowing that you don't appreciate what you have in life until it is either threatened or somebody else shows you how by example.
First rule: Never let 'em change you. Rule 2: Do you. To the fullest. And never be ashamed to.
Thanks for listening, ttyal.
Monday, July 4, 2011
sweet sweet victory
Fourth of July, fireworks, grilling out and spectacular summer food, friends and family, games, swimming, perhaps, red-white-and blue, parades, celebrations, parties, a day to have a blast..one way or another.
Not this year, or the past two..
This is when I miss Wisconsin and even Illinois...all the towns put on fireworks, In Cudahy, we could walk. It could be hot and humid or cool and breezy. If you forgot to use bug spray, the mosquitoes would eat you alive. Me and the kids have a lot of fond memories, I would take them every year. I love fireworks, they all look like huge flowers to me. I love the burnt smell after, and oohing and ahhing. I love watching the people running around lighting them..lol.
My husband doesn't care about fireworks and hates crowds. We learned to leave him at home or really not mind when he'd be out of town. I did, after about 11 years of going on the Mississippi with his family finally saw fireworks on a houseboat. That part was cool. The rest of the trip was a disaster, lol.
I was supposed to see fireworks on Lake Michigan once, but the boat broke and the van overheated. We went to Lake Geneva the next night. It was sweet, though the people I was with..OMG! we were all beyond trashed. The boat owners didn't have a clue about boat safety or maintenance.I was not surprised their other boat broke. They didn't even carry flashlights. Looking at a stalled gas engine, stoned and drunk with a lighter, and the back boat light was out. We were lucky we didn't drown, blow up or get hit. LOL
When we were kids, my Aunt Laverne, who was my neighbor, not my aunt, would insist on going to the fireworks. My dad would be grumpy and unhappy , but we always went. It was always spectacular to me. I saw fireworks inside of Soldier's Fields after our final high school marching band field show that we won. Incredible. The fireworks at Lake Michigan were amazing, after the Taste of Chicago...the crowds..were insane.
So many good memories and a few that weren't. Fourth of July is to celebrate Independence Day, the day the Declaration of Independence was signed. When a few brave white guys decided that "enough is enough" we can do this ourselves better and changed the world forever. Thanks, I love America.
I got hit with depression today, didn't make sense as I was having a very good day. I could analyze good and bad reasons as to why..but I am mellowing out now. I really don't want to either, the anti-anxiety medication is starting to work. I am getting very tired. My day is done, Jack has finally wore himself out...and it is raining in the desert. TTYAL thanks for listening.
Next year, I hope to see some real fireworks, the lightening and thunder finally took over here tonight. YEY! I love thunderstorms..g'night.
Not this year, or the past two..
Arizona is hot this time of year, and by hot I mean triple digit temperatures for months. In the town I live next to, their is only one place to go for fireworks and you have to drive there and pay. It is packed, people's and cars and heat. I'd rather not.
This is when I miss Wisconsin and even Illinois...all the towns put on fireworks, In Cudahy, we could walk. It could be hot and humid or cool and breezy. If you forgot to use bug spray, the mosquitoes would eat you alive. Me and the kids have a lot of fond memories, I would take them every year. I love fireworks, they all look like huge flowers to me. I love the burnt smell after, and oohing and ahhing. I love watching the people running around lighting them..lol.
My husband doesn't care about fireworks and hates crowds. We learned to leave him at home or really not mind when he'd be out of town. I did, after about 11 years of going on the Mississippi with his family finally saw fireworks on a houseboat. That part was cool. The rest of the trip was a disaster, lol.
I was supposed to see fireworks on Lake Michigan once, but the boat broke and the van overheated. We went to Lake Geneva the next night. It was sweet, though the people I was with..OMG! we were all beyond trashed. The boat owners didn't have a clue about boat safety or maintenance.I was not surprised their other boat broke. They didn't even carry flashlights. Looking at a stalled gas engine, stoned and drunk with a lighter, and the back boat light was out. We were lucky we didn't drown, blow up or get hit. LOL
When we were kids, my Aunt Laverne, who was my neighbor, not my aunt, would insist on going to the fireworks. My dad would be grumpy and unhappy , but we always went. It was always spectacular to me. I saw fireworks inside of Soldier's Fields after our final high school marching band field show that we won. Incredible. The fireworks at Lake Michigan were amazing, after the Taste of Chicago...the crowds..were insane.
So many good memories and a few that weren't. Fourth of July is to celebrate Independence Day, the day the Declaration of Independence was signed. When a few brave white guys decided that "enough is enough" we can do this ourselves better and changed the world forever. Thanks, I love America.
I got hit with depression today, didn't make sense as I was having a very good day. I could analyze good and bad reasons as to why..but I am mellowing out now. I really don't want to either, the anti-anxiety medication is starting to work. I am getting very tired. My day is done, Jack has finally wore himself out...and it is raining in the desert. TTYAL thanks for listening.
Next year, I hope to see some real fireworks, the lightening and thunder finally took over here tonight. YEY! I love thunderstorms..g'night.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Hug who? Hug Me...thanks.
After dithering around most of the morning, I realized I HAVE to write today and now. Otherwise, it will keep turning circles around in my head and I won't get anything done.
I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!
When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.
I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!
On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.
We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.
There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.
My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.
I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.
Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.
My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!
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I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!
When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.
I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!
On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.
We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.
There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.
My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.
I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.
Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.
... "that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not."
My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Fish swim, but can't climb trees.
Hi all!
I haven't written in awhile. I have so been thinking about it. I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy this and it is work, too. Writing these takes me a lot more time then I think it should.
I have had some very positive moments this past week. I took my kids and one of the neighbor boys to the mountain by our house for a star-gazing. The expert was incredible, his love and knowledge of the stars was amazing. The stars themselves were breath-taking. We found the North Star, looked into the Milky Way, peered at Saturn through a scope, and were blessed by a falling star..cosmic dust burning so bright. There was so much more. It was surreal, as it was dark enough to make out shapes of people, but not see their faces. Me and the kids were the most vocal, all the rest were adults who I found a bit quiet. Dr. Sky was just as excited as the kids were and answered all their questions, even the bizarre ones with affection and humor. We will be going back again next month.
It was really fun swimming with my son a couple of days later as he pointed out a lot of the things in the sky he had learned. If my husband is home the next time we will take the telescope. If not, we will bring the binoculars..and more treats. Chocolate bars are not a good idea in an Arizona night. We had to put them in the fridge for the next morning. The water bottles were an excellent idea though.
I also joined a woman's group. It was great. I can't share any of the stories or names of the ladies, but what a treat for me. We are just starting and I am so looking forward to the next one. I think I will turn off my phone though next time. Both kids called that night and my husband too so i missed out on some of the discussion. If Jack, the puppy, had thumbs he probably would have rang me up too. He and the kids attacked me when I came home. It is so nice to be loved..but really, I was only gone for 2 hours.
I realize, I do have a job. It just doesn't pay in cash. I have my kids and Jack 24/7. I also have a house, pool, yard, car and so much stuff to stock, clean and maintain. No wonder I am so tired all the time. LOL.. Trying to get my kids out of their rut is a challenge, too. It would be easier in a cooler climate, we have been triple digits for months. It would also be nice to have a larger budget. I am house rich and cash poor. Small steps, getting them motivated and keeping myself going. It does help me. My son is an antennae wire, Mom are you ok? Feeling sad again? He is always good for a hug...sometimes too much. I'll still keep him.
My daughter has her moments, good, bad, bizarre..her musical talent keeps growing. My only wish, that her internal sadness would find some more joy. She needs friends, normalcy and people..major help. Loving discipline has been a vital key. She is, despite her Asperger's and other issues, a 13 year-old teen. Setting her rules and expectations and consistently following through. I told you I have a job..lol. I couldn't imagine life without her even when she pushes us both to the brink. I remind her of that. My favorite saying: I love you always no matter what, I just don't always like what you are doing.
My shoulder and neck pain are improving..posture. Bllch, dirty word. The therapists sigh, we have seen worse. Really? That helps me..not..I do have to watch that sarcastic bite. My mind therapy improves also. I was given an assignment to write a letter to myself cataloging all my good attributes, accomplishments, successes. It was difficult until I really got started. The next step is I get to read it aloud. LOL, eww.. he did point out how far I have come. Looking back, yeah..WOW! Six months ago I was a barely functional human being. I cried, I slept very little, I was out-of-my-mind and knew it. Now I am on my way to the most healthy mental state in my life. Yowza!
My medical 'shite' I am not going to talk about today. The last doctor I talked to did point out that he really couldn't help me until I quit smoking. Gheeze, thanks doc..I'd say yes and no here. I am playing phone tag with my hubby's insurance company. They have a quit smoking program, funny how hard it has been to hook up with. The doctors I have all talked too without exception have been nice and truly want to help me. The problem is that I haven't found the right one that actually hears what I am saying and can think out of the box.
I love my friends, neighbors and Facebook. I am still an addict, always will be. I will also always have the specter of depression over my shoulder and face anxiety attacks of different degrees. My friends/family help me through...and my God has my back and keeps poking and prodding me. Jerk, LOLOL..
I love helping others, bringing out the best in them. I always have. It completes me in a way that I can't explain. Some of it is been there, done that, others it is WOW! You are amazing! They inspire me to new levels. Others I want to smack sometimes, LOL
Final quote for today's blog.. I think this applies to everyone. Shine on and find your level and show everyone how bright you truly are...then help them glow too. Thanks for listening, love ya! TTYAL. :-)
I haven't written in awhile. I have so been thinking about it. I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy this and it is work, too. Writing these takes me a lot more time then I think it should.
I have had some very positive moments this past week. I took my kids and one of the neighbor boys to the mountain by our house for a star-gazing. The expert was incredible, his love and knowledge of the stars was amazing. The stars themselves were breath-taking. We found the North Star, looked into the Milky Way, peered at Saturn through a scope, and were blessed by a falling star..cosmic dust burning so bright. There was so much more. It was surreal, as it was dark enough to make out shapes of people, but not see their faces. Me and the kids were the most vocal, all the rest were adults who I found a bit quiet. Dr. Sky was just as excited as the kids were and answered all their questions, even the bizarre ones with affection and humor. We will be going back again next month.
It was really fun swimming with my son a couple of days later as he pointed out a lot of the things in the sky he had learned. If my husband is home the next time we will take the telescope. If not, we will bring the binoculars..and more treats. Chocolate bars are not a good idea in an Arizona night. We had to put them in the fridge for the next morning. The water bottles were an excellent idea though.
I also joined a woman's group. It was great. I can't share any of the stories or names of the ladies, but what a treat for me. We are just starting and I am so looking forward to the next one. I think I will turn off my phone though next time. Both kids called that night and my husband too so i missed out on some of the discussion. If Jack, the puppy, had thumbs he probably would have rang me up too. He and the kids attacked me when I came home. It is so nice to be loved..but really, I was only gone for 2 hours.
I realize, I do have a job. It just doesn't pay in cash. I have my kids and Jack 24/7. I also have a house, pool, yard, car and so much stuff to stock, clean and maintain. No wonder I am so tired all the time. LOL.. Trying to get my kids out of their rut is a challenge, too. It would be easier in a cooler climate, we have been triple digits for months. It would also be nice to have a larger budget. I am house rich and cash poor. Small steps, getting them motivated and keeping myself going. It does help me. My son is an antennae wire, Mom are you ok? Feeling sad again? He is always good for a hug...sometimes too much. I'll still keep him.
My daughter has her moments, good, bad, bizarre..her musical talent keeps growing. My only wish, that her internal sadness would find some more joy. She needs friends, normalcy and people..major help. Loving discipline has been a vital key. She is, despite her Asperger's and other issues, a 13 year-old teen. Setting her rules and expectations and consistently following through. I told you I have a job..lol. I couldn't imagine life without her even when she pushes us both to the brink. I remind her of that. My favorite saying: I love you always no matter what, I just don't always like what you are doing.
My shoulder and neck pain are improving..posture. Bllch, dirty word. The therapists sigh, we have seen worse. Really? That helps me..not..I do have to watch that sarcastic bite. My mind therapy improves also. I was given an assignment to write a letter to myself cataloging all my good attributes, accomplishments, successes. It was difficult until I really got started. The next step is I get to read it aloud. LOL, eww.. he did point out how far I have come. Looking back, yeah..WOW! Six months ago I was a barely functional human being. I cried, I slept very little, I was out-of-my-mind and knew it. Now I am on my way to the most healthy mental state in my life. Yowza!
My medical 'shite' I am not going to talk about today. The last doctor I talked to did point out that he really couldn't help me until I quit smoking. Gheeze, thanks doc..I'd say yes and no here. I am playing phone tag with my hubby's insurance company. They have a quit smoking program, funny how hard it has been to hook up with. The doctors I have all talked too without exception have been nice and truly want to help me. The problem is that I haven't found the right one that actually hears what I am saying and can think out of the box.
I love my friends, neighbors and Facebook. I am still an addict, always will be. I will also always have the specter of depression over my shoulder and face anxiety attacks of different degrees. My friends/family help me through...and my God has my back and keeps poking and prodding me. Jerk, LOLOL..
I love helping others, bringing out the best in them. I always have. It completes me in a way that I can't explain. Some of it is been there, done that, others it is WOW! You are amazing! They inspire me to new levels. Others I want to smack sometimes, LOL
Before you talk to kids, remember this: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
~Albert Einstein~
Final quote for today's blog.. I think this applies to everyone. Shine on and find your level and show everyone how bright you truly are...then help them glow too. Thanks for listening, love ya! TTYAL. :-)
