I say a little prayer for you

I have 2 or 3 previous drafts..all wildly different. The last one was more of a rant as I was so angry. I have said before that I hate America's health policies, medical mysteries, and health insurance. I still do.

I made it to the heart doctor, didn't get lost and didn't smoke in my car. My insurance was denying all my claims. They needed to know if I had any secondary insurance. Um, no..no..and no..duh. This is probably why I still haven't been reimbursed for my therapist either. Called and went through an automated robot voice..not sure if it is straightened out or not yet.

All my tests were normal except for a very small seepage in 1 valve, which they say is normal. OK, this means I spent almost $500 with the "insurance" to find out nothing. The doctor was nice enough to give me a prescription for a drug that retains salt. Other than that it was another test or two...*sigh. Maybe I will go back to my GP. My Canadian neighbor may be around in Fall, he's a doctor. If my hubby fixes enough stuff for him? LOL.

Another drug? That makes 4 scrips now...plus A&D, and a few other vitamins. At least they are all cheap ones, I worked in a pharmacy..some people spend a boatload of money every week. It is really sad. I hate taking any of them, they all make me nauseous. Plus vitamins, aargh..despise taking pills, even though I am a pro at it. My parents were health food nuts, we had to choke down at least 5 to 10 pills every Saturday and Sunday. By sophomore year this became a daily ordeal with my Dad. Kelp tablets taste like seaweed because guess what? They ARE seaweed! Blch...there are worse things though.(shudder) "sprout water" You really don't want to know.

When I started taking diet pills to lose weight and stay awake. I used to thank them for that. When I had to swallow ibuprofen dry or chew aspirin because my hands were hurting and swollen so much. I thanked them again. I could drink any kind of alcohol and keep it down at first because of vile things I was forced to drink and eat. So much pain and hatred, it is such a waste. I have grown up a bit since then. My Dad has a lot of the same stomach conditions I have. Both of my folks have had so many surgeries I've lost count.

Whew! I have calmed down even more. I took Jack the puppy for a walk and checked up on my neighbor. She is beyond precious and rare..truly sweet.  Jack also behaved extremely well and even showed off his "walk" skills and "jump" command for other neighbors that just moved in. There is hope for this crazy dog yet. I am just so proud.

I have felt like a great big brat in a temper tamper all day. Some of this hormones, I have figured out why they cause it menopause instead of meno-stop. Aaargh! Some was from the doc, some from my kids, some from obsessions, some because of money, housework. Stress that I have created for myself. Trying now instead to focus on what is real, true and good.

I pray tonight for me..and include that circle for all my friends, family and pets too. I also have specific people in mind, some I don't know by name. It doesn't matter, my God knows who they are and I really don't ask for things either. It is more like Uncle Russ had surgery, you know. My fb's friend grandma broke her hip. One of my favorite friends and her son, plus the rest.. Another really deserves so much better.. I end up global, for all the military people who should be home. For all the people who have hate/love, trials/blessings...my mind can't really encompass it all, but God's can. "He" was already watching over all these people, individually and has his own purpose for each one.

 I kind of pray like this all the time, sometimes more, sometimes less. Always have in a way and it relaxes me..the prayers circle around and come back. I don't really get answers just a bit of bliss. The best is when I can hear the music and know everything is going to be ok. It takes a bit of practise...and I don't always achieve it.

This is my level.

 What is yours?

Thanks for listening..TTYAL :-)!

sink, but then go swim

Today is the day I have to start living again. I am done waiting for answers that sometimes help and give clarity. I lately seem to be getting the messages that just make me more confused.This is not the first time.

 I took Honors Geometry back in good old LWHS back in Sophmore year. We started with a month of logic, followed by a month or so of doing proofs. I remember walking around in a daze...with crazy headaches. I also failed every quiz, and had close to failing grades on my tests. It was a nightmare. I had never had anything close to failing grades, and even though I tried to study even harder, it wasn't working. I always felt the teacher was very disappointed in me. My sister had been one of his "star" pupils. At one point he did say that with this subject, people needed "down" time to process it in their brains. Aaah!

I did pass the class, disliked the teacher forever after and have never done a proof since. I am going through "down" time now trying to make sense of all the informational, spiritual, and emotional "crap" from these past couple of months. My therapist? Sadly, I told you all I couldn't afford to be crazy. Too true. I cancelled this weeks appointment and will cancel all the rest soon. I can't even say good-bye except over the phone. At a $175 a week, a $400 deductible that I have already met...and a repayment of only 60% that is not being reimbursed yet. Um, no.

I am going to talk to Renee's therapist today. He is in network, and my husbands company offers 5 free visits as a starter before the insurance kicks in. It is a $200 deductible, with an 80% coverage..since we will be paying for 2 of us at $175 each..sigh. Crazy, huh? Somebody else can do the math, but I need a job.

They are building a Denny's close by..I will apply and hope that I not only get the job and hours I need, but that my body will take the strain. Why Denny's again? Without a degree in anything, and owing mas
sive amounts of student loans, it is the only job where I can earn more than minimum wage and keep it. Plus, I do have experience.LOlOl.

So "down" time for my psyche and action for the rest of me. Trying to stay off the emotional merry-go-round, and moving forward, not spinning my wheels. Lord, I could use some laughs and good news.
that was my new level. For any of my reader's, yeah, find some fun and share it..get out of your normal rut and pull somebody with you.

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left

And you help somebody every chance you get
...Oh, you find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take

TTYAL..Have a great St. Patrick's Day or just a regular wondrous day.

beautiful loser

These two following quotes go together for me. How many people can look inside themselves, truly see their faults and not feel at least a twinge of something? Only those who have attained peace or enlightenment and those who feel nothing or accept their evil completely. Most of us fall somewhere in between, and at different levels, and at different times in our lives..

"There is a beauty in all my imperfections. He made me see that."

From the movie Crazy Beautiful

If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear -Confucious

Hmm..children, the younger they are..see nothing wrong at all. That's why they are so sweet and can be so naughty. We teach them guilt, along with compassion. Hopefully, a few other things as well. LOL.

Wow, it has been a long day already. My hubby left this morning back to work and Utah. It was a good visit for the most part and he will be back on his way in three days. A "visit", that where it is so wrong. He really doesn't live here. I'd really like for him to be able to move back home. My girlfriend will be visiting for three days after that, I am so excited. She is a forever friend, one of the select few that I am very close to, but don't see very often anymore. My brother visits the following week-end. We have only seen each other so rarely. The connection is always there, though. I am excited about that as well.

Last night I had a friend who I've been trying to help, help me. What can you say to that? Thank you Lord? Pretty much sums it up. Another friend, who my heart aches for, has seen too much death  these past few years. Another who is being given a second chance to re-build a life with hope, instead of despair. Actually these statements apply to more than one friend. I have specific people in mind, but other friends fall into the same situation. They even apply in more than a couple of instances. A special few, again, have had all three. They have helped me, they have faced the death of too many loved ones and they are being given a second chance or have already taken it.

They all inspire me, make me laugh, cry, think, and jump for joy.

My level is that I hope I can inspire others as well. For the next level is to improve on that..to be able to accept my imperfections and see the beauty. This is so I can look inside myself and find nothing wrong. Not perfection, but truth. No worry, no fear... at least for a moment. Sounds pretty good to me.
Thanks for reading..ttyal.

too tired to worry about anything

I started writing a blog tonight..wasn't the right topic. My mind kept wandering off it. I thought of a couple more ideas, then got kids off to bed and talked to a few friends on FB. Some more interesting then others...but all good. I managed to get a few things done today too. I love having my hubby home. I still Face Book way too much. Helped another friend today and had a couple friends help me, besides having a few laughs.

Japan..it is on so many people's minds. It hurts me, I can't watch the footage. Mother Nature wreaks her havoc. So much destruction, pain and suffering that I can't do a d**n thing about. I pray for them all, it is a sad pit in my stomach. The end-of-the-world people are all posting God posts, global financial ruin, and now are talking about nuclear meltdowns. I am...

I am here now..today, tonight. If I am not tomorrow I hope it is quick for all of us. If we end up stuck in a nightmarish world of radioactive poisoning and death? I will fight tooth-and-nail to survive for me and my family. I have read a lot of science fiction. The Beach, The Road, Lucifer's Hammer..I love watching survival movies, though they are usually pretty hokey.

Sadly, my daily life has not really changed at all because of Japan's tragedy, yet. Except for adding them in my prayers, it is routine. Taking care of the dog, cooking, cleaning..my kids are on Spring break. I am so glad my husband is home to act as a buffer. Otherwise, they tend to drive me crazy. LOL

I feel out of it today, I hate taking the meds I am on. I picked up refills from the pharmacy this afternoon. Not even realizing I am out of my anti-depressant for tomorrow. Crap! I swore I had more, did I double-dose unintentionally. Or am I just tired and worried about all the stuff I obsess on in my brain? Going to go to bed now. Tomorrow is another day.

The next level, I challenged a friend to do some physical work and to also do a good deed for somebody in need. I took soup over to my neighbor, sweetest lady ever. She has gone through way too much personal tragedy these past couple of years. I also walked the dog. I really don't feel good so I am not pushing it.

TTYAL..good night all. Hope you are all here for the next day.;-) Sorry this blog today is so mundane.

From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

All Aboard..

"Breaking News: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Whining!."

I owe all of you a sincere I am so sorry. You are out there, reading my words and I do hope you are getting something out of it. Not for me but for yourselves...finding your own path and trying new levels...that in my wildest dreams intersect with everyone else's.

 I have been riding the pity train and while not immune to the ride at times have decided to "suck it up and move on". LOL..in the post that I stole from somebody on FB it was Quitchur Bitchin'. I am still bitching, but it isn't because I'm looking for your pity, and  I don't want it. My life has been what it has been, back to the good, the bad, and the ugly..some because it was and some from what I made of it.

I have been in a severe clinical depression for about 2 years..before New Year's. It isn't my husband's fault that we moved into a neighborhood that triggers the nightmares of my childhood and adolescence. I always called where I grew up the suburbs of the suburbs. It was a nice place, but boring as hell. I guess if we had had more money and were more socially acceptable it might have been funner, but then again maybe not. It got worse the older I got.

 I snuck out of the house at night the first time with my girlfriend when I was 13 or 14. We got picked up by 2 older guys in a car, and ended up at their house in another town. We smoked pot, and cigarettes..the guys were stoned and drunk. I learned a lot about sex that night, but was too scared to "go all the way". The visit by a cop in the middle of that was surreal. My "guy" wasn't too happy about my inexperience(!) and eventually passed out. My girlfriend had left with her "guy". SHIT!

I was in panic mode, I needed to get back home and soon with my girlfriend or without. I had had suicidal thoughts most of my life, this is the first time I actually looked for something to kill myself with. I searched through all the medicine cabinets and found nothing useful. I contemplated breaking the mirror and using the glass to slash my wrists. I cried a lot and prayed. The prayers of a desperate teen, that death was preferable to my folks finding out anything. The 'dude' was out cold.

Looking back now as a mother of an almost 13 year old girl. OMG! The what-ifs..he could have raped me, I could have said yes, I also could have gotten pregnant, been left for dead, or succeeded at my death wish. None of the above, some friends of his pulled up later and drove me home..and I snuck back inside my house. My girlfriend showed up a bit later..nobody ever knew. I never saw the "guy" again. I heard later he said some shit about me, whatever.

I blamed the marijuana, of course..I had never even kissed a boy before. I had never kissed anyone and been kissed back, except for dim memories of old Greek ladies pinching my cheeks hard and kissing my head. My family didn't do that sort of thing..kiss. Hugs ended when we reached puberty, and were very scary. God's love was the closest we got to that, all-out beatings, punches, pinches, kickings, and terror. Obedience was expected.

Why am I telling you all this? There is a shock factor involved, and I have used it with remarkable results over the years. I enjoy shocking people, still. It  also makes a good story, the fact that it is true just adds to that. What did I learn back then? I learned that I'd rather get into trouble for something fun, exciting, dangerous even, than for being "good". I learned that if all else fails, I could kill myself. I learned that drugs would let me do things that I didn't have to claim responsibility for. I learned it was way better to not get caught.

Here I go back to the title Run-away train..it's a song, by Soul Asylum "Run-away train never coming back, going down a one-way track.."  I went on that train ride too. People think it is about teen-age run-aways. Yes, it is also about doing drugs and addictions..and I still have to fight from boarding it. I miss getting high or wasted at times..the desire can be unbelievable.

Life choices, sometimes you know when you are making one..sometimes you don't. I knew that night I was...and the choices(!) all led to very different paths my life could have taken. I have said that my God has always been with me, I just don't always listen to the music. I heard the music that night and I think it saved me from other harsher realities. He did answer my prayers, just not anyway I expected him to.

Now I have been on the Crazy Train..another song by Ozzy Osbourne, "learn how to love and forget how to hate..mental wounds not healing, driving me insane." Yeah, I've been on that ride a bit too much lately. Whew! Facing life choices again, I am continuing my therapy and trying to stay connected. Too much Face book, but I still don't have too many "real" people in my life. Helping a friend out last night, I hope, helped me. Instant calm and internal peace.

The next level? Please, please accept my apology, and I hope you can face your life choices with the right song in your heart. Take the train that takes you to new and wonderful places..or walk.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL :-)

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.