no pain..

I don't know what to do with myself today. I have energy now, but no desire to really do anything. I want to get "effing" wasted and just give the whole world the finger. Everything is annoying me, it feels like a screech on a blackboard kind of feeling. I am not sure where all this frustration is coming from. PMS? Maybe. I finished two books this week, and while I enjoyed both. Crap! I didn't get a rush or fix off of them. My life is still boring, even with my hubby here. Physically, for the most part, I am doing way better.

I want.

I don't know what I want, nothing is working. Facebook only distracts me for a little while, shopping. *sigh. I still have not completely regained my kitchen. I am not even sure what to clean or stock, my mind is a mess. My husband has kept me distracted for a while. I smile here. I am off the pain meds. I have another 1/2 hour till the kids go to bed. Aaargh.

Okay, I can do this. I can get through the turmoil running around loose in my brain and let it go. I say a few choice swear words here. I am not all alone, my God is always with me. He is not saying too much. Or maybe, I am just not getting the message. I need somewhere to go, something to do. Something real. My life?? OMG-LOL.

I will stop now and breathe, whew! It may not be the right answer but it is what I have. I talked with friends, virtually but still very important. I am snuggling with my puppy a bit. I took a sleepy pill that is also for anxiety and I can feel it seeping into my brain. I will 'fess up that I took a 1/4 dose of pain pills. My stomach hurts, but I'll admit it is more for the buzz. It gives my head that dopey sense of being at peace. It slows down the whirlwind and lets me unwind.

 Bed, sleep and tomorrow a new dawn. Tomorrow will be better. I will make it so, and hope that it is for all that read this too. G'night and talk to you all later.

Is It Break Time Yet?

They changed the interface on blogger. I am not sure if I like it yet. As with most things new, it takes me some adjustment time. I am having difficulties with not smoking today. I miss it. I spent/wasted a lot of time and money smoking for so many years. Wow! I think about it, and then I am okay, again. I am getting used to the new me. I am happy I can breathe. I haven't coughed up any nastiness in so long. Eww! I know, these are my happy thoughts.

I don't know why, I keep having this old adage running through my head. "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." There is more to it and it applies to wedding's. Specifically, what the bride is supposed to carry or wear. I found this:

"Something old represents continuity; something new offers optimism for the future; something borrowed symbolizes borrowed happiness; something blue stands for purity, love, and fidelity; and a sixpence in your shoe is a wish for good fortune and prosperity, although this remains largely a British custom." 

I like this, more than just how it applies to weddings. Every day is a new one, but we carry all of our old baggage with it. Instead of lugging it around, I think just a thread of continuity is easier. Just keeping what we need. Something new, looking forward to what may be ahead. Something borrowed. Hmm.. for me, this means that you have friends and family. Borrowing something means somebody trusted you enough to loan you something. It also means you are worthy enough to return it. Something blue.

My birthstone is light blue. My wedding ring isn't a diamond but a large aquamarine for March. It is gorgeous. I didn't know what the blue stood for in this tradition. Wow! The fact that my daughter is/was born in March also was always just another bonus. Sadly, neither me or my hubby wear our rings. He got shocked at work one too many times. I am actually allergic or sensitive to gold. It makes me itch, and will give me a rash eventually. Not just from my wedding ring, but other gold jewelry I have, earrings too. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. Never did, so this really doesn't phase me much. I used to wear my wedding ring and earrings to work. I got more compliments on my $2.50 earrings I found on clearance than any of my "real " stones. LOL

Good fortune and prosperity would be nice. Really. I'd give it a shot.

My digestive system is being 'balky" again. This makes me feel like crap, nauseated and dizzy. My one friend laughed, she's a nurse.. you are full of shit. Yep, small intestinal blockage, have been here too many times. Ugh, it hurts. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this too shall pass. LOLOL(sorry). I don't know why I should be embarrassed by this. Another friend commented , glad you're poopin. I wish I still was. It is so annoying and frustrating.

I had fun on Facebook today, had fun with my kids, had a wonderful time with my hubby. The dog kind of drove me nuts, and my therapist. *I don't know. I think I have to up the power or something. I am not getting what I need from it at this point.I have been debating a lot of different options, need to do some action soon. For now, I am going to nap. I may go take a swim later. This is where having my hubby home is such a relief. I can trust him to keep them okay while I space out for a bit.

When I was a workaholic and that has been at every job. Everybody would laugh. I loved break time. I told people I came to work just so I could take a break. I loved it. We would smoke and eat and chit-chat. I found out a lot of good/bad things from people on break. I told a friend I can be shy. Yep, still can, even after all these years. It depends on the context of where and why. With me it doesn't last very long, my inherent sort of rebellious nature asserts itself eventually. I am a smart-ass, can't help it.

But at first, scary..

I need to step out, get a move on it and meet peeps. My level, just smiling at retail workers and leaving nice tips isn't cutting it anymore. I also need to get help for my girl and the boy too..might as well include the hubby and the dog. The therapist had a point. I have been here starting my 3rd year and have only put up one picture. I suppose it is about time I moved in and on.

Thanks for listening as always, ttyl.

"Is your problem really your problem, or is your attitude toward your problem the real problem?"

Hmm..yep, something to think about.

No More, No More...

I have had a day. That is about it. The end of my blog? I am laughing out loud. (LOL) No, I talk/write/wonder way too much. I will try not to ramble.

I read a few on-line articles today, and some blogs. I also read part of the newspaper as they are STILL sending it to me daily. I got my kids off to school on time. I did some suduko's, took a shower, ate way too much chocolate. I cleaned bathrooms and did laundry. Which did turn out amusing. The cheap 99 cents rug I bought turned everything pink, oops! Since I was washing rugs and dog toys/items this isn't so bad. The dog's pillowcase kind of glows though. I also, took a shower, got dressed, and took the dog to the groomer's. Most of the above isn't in any particular order.

I also face-booked, sent a few messages and played back and forth on-and-off. I got a beautiful compliment from one of my reader/friends. That was sweet, a very big highlight of my day. I had a few laughs with friends, and left one voice mail and 1 text. I flirted with a few peeps I probably shouldn't have. I debated sending another message to either of my "stalkees". Crap, I have been doing better. I decided one was okay. He doesn't take me seriously anyway.

I drank way way too much coffee, regular and de-caf. It has left me somewhat nauseated. I have been jonesing for a smoke all "effin" day. The thing is I don't want one and then I do. I hate this. My hubby thoughtfully left 1 cigarette in his pack when he left for work. Thank God, it is menthol.  I have said this before, yuk. I have resisted this urge but it has made me crabby all day. I bought Dunkin' Donuts and only ate one. I am thankful for that victory.

Huh? To eat only one?  When I was a teen-ager, I loved donuts, Donut Express in New Lenox, oh yum! I was piling on the weight, so I did what I had done before with mixed results. I bought a whole dozen and forced myself to eat them all. I think I ended throwing up. Bonus, I could turn down donuts after that or only eat just one for years. Later in life when my stomach messed up and I was on my "no pain " diet. I couldn't eat even one. Anything fried went through me viciously and caused intense pain.

See the victory part? People who have never struggled with their weight don't understand any of this. People who can eat anything they want, don't understand it either. I have never been underweight. I had a friend who was. He was also a coke addict, which I didn't know for 5 years. I knew a few bulimics too. I was related to one. That never really appealed to me all that much. I  have vomited all my life from booze, drugs, pregnancies, surgeries, motion sickness and the "unknown" hernia. I have gotten really expert at it, but I have never done it on purpose. Dry heaves are the absolute worse, I refuse. I'll force down water instead.

Sorry, I got a bit off track. One of the stories was about being a "Debbie Downer". Crapola. That one hit home, I have been woeing way too much. That is too a word, okay, maybe not. I have given up so much crap in my life by choice. Because it made me stupid, sick or both. I didn't like who I was when I was using.  Whatever, OMG! I will be fine..really. I do need to get out more, have fun. Yep! My therapist would be nodding his head here. I am listening to my kids joke around with my hubby, their Dad. There is also a stayover friend of my son's here. The humor is at a 10-13 year old level. I have had one 1/4 tablet of my pain meds all day. Maybe I should take some more. Just kidding!

My levels have been to get healthy. Having fun and being with people needs to be part of that. I am very glad my husband is in AZ for the next couple of weeks. He has been told he will be going to a mine about five hours from here, after that. Yahoo! That is so much closer. He should be able to make it home for week-ends.

Thanks for listening, I have been writing this almost all day in bits and pieces. I am tired, I may have overdone a few things, but whatever. I may even sleep through the night again. Thank God! I smile, that would be amazing. TTYAL.


My quote for the day that I found amusing.

 Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. - Zen Proverb

tell me when to wake up.

Wow! I am in a mood. I am not even sure what to call it. I feel fine, some twinges from my scar. A few other things happening that I may talk about. All-and-all, though, I am feeling very good.

I guess I should talk about the things that have upset me first. I miss my mom-in-law already. She was awesome. Even though I am now taking back my spaces, *sigh. She was really good for Renee and Max both, my kids. They glowed talking with her. Even Jack the puppy has been down today.

I guess the other thing bothering me is that people think I am trying to become a saint or holy. Oh hell, no. Even with my mom-in-law it wasn't all happy times. I had a temper tantrum once, the kids had a few too. She called them spoiled brats, which they are. She was herself. We got really used to her though, very quickly. My hubby went back and forth. He loved the food, and having his mom to smoke and drink with. He enjoyed and sometimes resented being mothered, though. We will use the dishwasher tonight, she did them all by hand, daily. LOL.

Facebook today, had quite a few negative posts. I don't get those. If you don't like FB, stay off of it. Wow! My blog here, is optional...you don't have to read it. I am sincerely amazed that people do. Thank-you, I am trying to find my way to mental health. I think I am doing pretty good so far. I have had some ups-and -downs. I also have side tracks where I talk about what is going through my mind. I am an addict. There are different labels I have heard, from professionals to regular folks. I can list some of them if you would like. I'd really rather not though.

I talk to a therapist weekly. I am not always sure that it is helping me. I think back to where I was even six months ago. Wow! No, I have progressed. I have quit smoking, and just went through major surgery. I had a breakdown, you can call it mental or nervous or whatever. I am on prescription drugs for anxiety and depression. I am down to 1 pain med a day. I am just trying to figure out my life. I find that helping others helps me. I also talk too much. I can smile at this point.

I like hearing about other people's lives and how they face their big battles and little daily struggles also. I love to laugh, and joke. I also feel people's pain and suffering and do my best to help. I hear God in my own way and hope that other's find their own answers to that question. I hate fanatic's, stupidity, politics,  and most sports.

I love music, art, food, and quite a few other things. I don't lie very often or try not to. I have stolen things and try not to. I can be amazingly brilliant and dumb as a rock. Can I throw out any more cliches? Whatever. I feel duality in just about everything I do. It is very annoying. I question why a lot. Why me? Why now? What the hell? I really can't stop this.

My hubby is home. This really drops my stress level like a stone. I rely on him. He relies on me. We have been together for quite a few years. We fight, we crab. We make out. It is one of my addictions. I am trying to keep this in check. It is what it is.

My girlfriend's grandfather just recently passed away. It wasn't unexpected. Her second grandma, his wife had already passed. I haven't seen either of them in many many years, but I am crying at their loss, now. They invited me into their home at three different times. They adopted me and treated me as family. They were both beautiful and shining souls. I am thankful that they are now out of physical pain. My love and prayers to their family.

I didn't expect to be so emotional.

I am writing this because I feel compelled to write. It may be one of my addictions, or mental fantasies. So be it. It may also be my stab at cheap therapy or my claim to fame. I am not sure where my next level or step is. Getting physically well, mentally fitter, and spiritually, hmm. I do need to work on so many things. Finding a job that pays would be surplus, bonus, dessert..

Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

My quote for the day: While we are sleeping, angels have conversations with our souls. ~Author Unknown

I have a Scar ..

Yesterday, LOL I was tripping out. Pity party time, freaking about small things in my life. A friend pointed it out and now? I am not going to guilt myself over it. That would usually be the next step. Really. I would agonize about how petty and trivial I can be. I would basically thrash myself internally as a punishment. Written and cried at myself, been harsh and critical and a few other silliness. Enough!

I am trying out new things, behavior and actions. Changing yourself is strange, at first everything seems bizarre and twisted. I am a non-smoker. Wow! I am chewing on a drinking straw as I type. I chew on them, twist them, tie them into knots, drop them. My puppy Jack has picked up the habit, too. I may need a 12-step program for straw addiction, but that is okay. As far as I know it doesn't cause cancer yet.

Right now I am tired. I did have major surgery and it has taken a toll. Whitened a few more of my hairs and gave me a new scar. I have to admit as far as surgeries go, except for Lasik this has been the smoothest. I am alive and doing very well. The recovery has been sweetened by my mother-in-law who really is incredible. I hit the jackpot when I married my hubby. I love being a Tschudi. I just hate the way the name is spelled. By the way, it is pronounced shoot-ee or shoe-dee or close enough.

It is the week-end and I have two extra adults in my house that I love, my family. Being grateful for that isn't difficult. I copied a quote on FB yesterday about people being a blessing or a lesson. Usually for me it is both. I learn and re-learn to be thankful for what I have been given. I am an addict, I am the mother of two crazy kids and a wackier puppy. I am a wife and daughter-in-law, and I have friends who not only cheer me up and care. They also keep me company and make me laugh, even when I am being "doofy".

That I do the same for them goes without saying. That part of it has always been a joy to me. I think the level for me today was to open my eyes and look around. Wipe the grit out from my eyes, squint against the sun glare and see. It is a beautiful beautiful world, thank God. My tribulations, problems, whining are all still there. My peace and inner music never left.  I hear them when I can stop distracting myself. I am so human, and therefore, err. Moving on, and keeping at it is my next level. Remembering to laugh, my addictions embarrass me, but I got to admit, there is worse things to be.

Talk to you all later, thanks for listening, love ya!

WARNING : Wishes Do Come True

It came as a slap in the face today. Most everything I have whined, moaned or wished about has come true in these past couple of weeks. My hubby is at home, kind of working and kind of not. I have someone else doing all my chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, puppy care..etc. I also have a way, means, and stamp of approval to get as high as I want, as much as I want for a few weeks. I am being encouraged to sit on my butt and play with fb or whatever. I can sleep as much as I want, whenever I want. I have continued to quit smoking. I also have 2 other adults in my house who help with child-teen behavior.

OK, wow! The fact that I had major surgery, can't drive and do any of those things I used to complain about. hmmm..I am severely limited on my pain meds right now. Um, and now my incision is giving me more grief..ouch. Go figure. I am kind of laughing here. I love both my hubby and my mom-in-law. In very different and unique ways, and whew! Let us just say it has been a bit difficult adjusting to them being here. They both smoke, my girlfriend did too. It has been very lip-biting crabbiness not joining them in what used to be my favorite past time. It helps or doesn't that it is so hot out. My kids are brats, which I knew already. To see that idea mirrored and reinforced. *sigh.

So dreams do come true, wishes can be answered, prayers granted..and it isn't what I wanted. This is not the fantasy life I had imagined. I feel like boo-hooing a bit and stamping my feet and doing a little temper dance. Ok, I'll admit it. I already did. I am a brat, also.

My mind is a hot mess right now. I couldn't even begin to start with what I am thinking, or feeling, up is down, left is right and my universe is not upside down, but tilted and someone or others have been traipsing around doing their own little dance or clean up inside my head. That I go looking for these different thoughts and experiences really isn't the point. I am trying to process it all and somehow, I have been coming up short. Maybe that is the drugs..

If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems.

With that thought I do smile, and am going to steal another piece of homemade Rice Krispie treats, maybe. I have thank you notes to write to my many wonderful neighbors tomorrow and things and events to plan for. I know going out for a smoke won't solve anything or make me feel better. I know food or drugs won't take away any of my anguish inside..it just spits it out in a different form. I am learning, slowly. Listening for my music that helps guide me.

I will still pray, and wish and dream..and try to complain less.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL. with love.

OOPS!

The things we realize, looking back.  I am an addict, I say it, I know it. Somehow, I forget. I stopped the pain pills yesterday, I wasn't taking too many in fact, probably 1/2 of the recommended dosage. The shakes started tonight. Then the hot/colds.. CRAP!

My hubby looked over at me at one point and laughed. "Yep, you are shaking." I did a 1/2 dosage of the med tonight. I will do another 1/2 or quarter tomorrow. I have weaned myself off of drugs before. Being addicted to pain meds? This isn't any different. I did enjoy my buzz for awhile, I guess. "high hopes" anyone? LOL

My stomach hurts from laughing and the removal of 12 staples. Ewww! I still have this drain thing, it is a really long tube attached to my insides somehow and ends up in a plastic bottle. I pin it to my underwear. I also get to empty the liquid from it. Mark, my hubby can't look at any of this stuff. It totally grosses him out and makes him nauseous. My mother-in-law finds it all fascinating. I wish she had been there for the birth of my kids. She would have been way more useful. Sorry, honey.

She is incredible, she has done the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry..I sleep.. and FB and I am not really sure what I am doing. I won't be able to drive till I get these pain meds completely out of my system. It is just going to take longer than I thought. 

I don't have any wise advice or even anything to say here other than "duh". I, of course, spaced off my niece's wedding. Congrats, honey. Nobody was really expecting me to show up. I am not very connected to either side of my family. FB has just recently opened some of those boundaries. My hubby is very close to his, while he lives as far away as he can. lol, I know. It doesn't make any sense to me either.

I am going to go upstairs soon, check on the kids and go to sleep. It is the week-end I may manage more than a couple of hours. There is laundry I need done, tomorrow. I am still not allowed to do anything. OK, I do know that I am a bit stuck on myself. It is a me.. me... me..thing. Yep! Since I can't sneak into other people's minds I have to stick with what I know. People do fascinate me though.

I am still shaking, and it is really getting annoying now. Good night everyone. Thanks for listening. TTYAL..