tell me when to wake up.

Wow! I am in a mood. I am not even sure what to call it. I feel fine, some twinges from my scar. A few other things happening that I may talk about. All-and-all, though, I am feeling very good.

I guess I should talk about the things that have upset me first. I miss my mom-in-law already. She was awesome. Even though I am now taking back my spaces, *sigh. She was really good for Renee and Max both, my kids. They glowed talking with her. Even Jack the puppy has been down today.

I guess the other thing bothering me is that people think I am trying to become a saint or holy. Oh hell, no. Even with my mom-in-law it wasn't all happy times. I had a temper tantrum once, the kids had a few too. She called them spoiled brats, which they are. She was herself. We got really used to her though, very quickly. My hubby went back and forth. He loved the food, and having his mom to smoke and drink with. He enjoyed and sometimes resented being mothered, though. We will use the dishwasher tonight, she did them all by hand, daily. LOL.

Facebook today, had quite a few negative posts. I don't get those. If you don't like FB, stay off of it. Wow! My blog here, is optional...you don't have to read it. I am sincerely amazed that people do. Thank-you, I am trying to find my way to mental health. I think I am doing pretty good so far. I have had some ups-and -downs. I also have side tracks where I talk about what is going through my mind. I am an addict. There are different labels I have heard, from professionals to regular folks. I can list some of them if you would like. I'd really rather not though.

I talk to a therapist weekly. I am not always sure that it is helping me. I think back to where I was even six months ago. Wow! No, I have progressed. I have quit smoking, and just went through major surgery. I had a breakdown, you can call it mental or nervous or whatever. I am on prescription drugs for anxiety and depression. I am down to 1 pain med a day. I am just trying to figure out my life. I find that helping others helps me. I also talk too much. I can smile at this point.

I like hearing about other people's lives and how they face their big battles and little daily struggles also. I love to laugh, and joke. I also feel people's pain and suffering and do my best to help. I hear God in my own way and hope that other's find their own answers to that question. I hate fanatic's, stupidity, politics,  and most sports.

I love music, art, food, and quite a few other things. I don't lie very often or try not to. I have stolen things and try not to. I can be amazingly brilliant and dumb as a rock. Can I throw out any more cliches? Whatever. I feel duality in just about everything I do. It is very annoying. I question why a lot. Why me? Why now? What the hell? I really can't stop this.

My hubby is home. This really drops my stress level like a stone. I rely on him. He relies on me. We have been together for quite a few years. We fight, we crab. We make out. It is one of my addictions. I am trying to keep this in check. It is what it is.

My girlfriend's grandfather just recently passed away. It wasn't unexpected. Her second grandma, his wife had already passed. I haven't seen either of them in many many years, but I am crying at their loss, now. They invited me into their home at three different times. They adopted me and treated me as family. They were both beautiful and shining souls. I am thankful that they are now out of physical pain. My love and prayers to their family.

I didn't expect to be so emotional.

I am writing this because I feel compelled to write. It may be one of my addictions, or mental fantasies. So be it. It may also be my stab at cheap therapy or my claim to fame. I am not sure where my next level or step is. Getting physically well, mentally fitter, and spiritually, hmm. I do need to work on so many things. Finding a job that pays would be surplus, bonus, dessert..

Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

My quote for the day: While we are sleeping, angels have conversations with our souls. ~Author Unknown

I have a Scar ..

Yesterday, LOL I was tripping out. Pity party time, freaking about small things in my life. A friend pointed it out and now? I am not going to guilt myself over it. That would usually be the next step. Really. I would agonize about how petty and trivial I can be. I would basically thrash myself internally as a punishment. Written and cried at myself, been harsh and critical and a few other silliness. Enough!

I am trying out new things, behavior and actions. Changing yourself is strange, at first everything seems bizarre and twisted. I am a non-smoker. Wow! I am chewing on a drinking straw as I type. I chew on them, twist them, tie them into knots, drop them. My puppy Jack has picked up the habit, too. I may need a 12-step program for straw addiction, but that is okay. As far as I know it doesn't cause cancer yet.

Right now I am tired. I did have major surgery and it has taken a toll. Whitened a few more of my hairs and gave me a new scar. I have to admit as far as surgeries go, except for Lasik this has been the smoothest. I am alive and doing very well. The recovery has been sweetened by my mother-in-law who really is incredible. I hit the jackpot when I married my hubby. I love being a Tschudi. I just hate the way the name is spelled. By the way, it is pronounced shoot-ee or shoe-dee or close enough.

It is the week-end and I have two extra adults in my house that I love, my family. Being grateful for that isn't difficult. I copied a quote on FB yesterday about people being a blessing or a lesson. Usually for me it is both. I learn and re-learn to be thankful for what I have been given. I am an addict, I am the mother of two crazy kids and a wackier puppy. I am a wife and daughter-in-law, and I have friends who not only cheer me up and care. They also keep me company and make me laugh, even when I am being "doofy".

That I do the same for them goes without saying. That part of it has always been a joy to me. I think the level for me today was to open my eyes and look around. Wipe the grit out from my eyes, squint against the sun glare and see. It is a beautiful beautiful world, thank God. My tribulations, problems, whining are all still there. My peace and inner music never left.  I hear them when I can stop distracting myself. I am so human, and therefore, err. Moving on, and keeping at it is my next level. Remembering to laugh, my addictions embarrass me, but I got to admit, there is worse things to be.

Talk to you all later, thanks for listening, love ya!

WARNING : Wishes Do Come True

It came as a slap in the face today. Most everything I have whined, moaned or wished about has come true in these past couple of weeks. My hubby is at home, kind of working and kind of not. I have someone else doing all my chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, puppy care..etc. I also have a way, means, and stamp of approval to get as high as I want, as much as I want for a few weeks. I am being encouraged to sit on my butt and play with fb or whatever. I can sleep as much as I want, whenever I want. I have continued to quit smoking. I also have 2 other adults in my house who help with child-teen behavior.

OK, wow! The fact that I had major surgery, can't drive and do any of those things I used to complain about. hmmm..I am severely limited on my pain meds right now. Um, and now my incision is giving me more grief..ouch. Go figure. I am kind of laughing here. I love both my hubby and my mom-in-law. In very different and unique ways, and whew! Let us just say it has been a bit difficult adjusting to them being here. They both smoke, my girlfriend did too. It has been very lip-biting crabbiness not joining them in what used to be my favorite past time. It helps or doesn't that it is so hot out. My kids are brats, which I knew already. To see that idea mirrored and reinforced. *sigh.

So dreams do come true, wishes can be answered, prayers granted..and it isn't what I wanted. This is not the fantasy life I had imagined. I feel like boo-hooing a bit and stamping my feet and doing a little temper dance. Ok, I'll admit it. I already did. I am a brat, also.

My mind is a hot mess right now. I couldn't even begin to start with what I am thinking, or feeling, up is down, left is right and my universe is not upside down, but tilted and someone or others have been traipsing around doing their own little dance or clean up inside my head. That I go looking for these different thoughts and experiences really isn't the point. I am trying to process it all and somehow, I have been coming up short. Maybe that is the drugs..

If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems.

With that thought I do smile, and am going to steal another piece of homemade Rice Krispie treats, maybe. I have thank you notes to write to my many wonderful neighbors tomorrow and things and events to plan for. I know going out for a smoke won't solve anything or make me feel better. I know food or drugs won't take away any of my anguish inside..it just spits it out in a different form. I am learning, slowly. Listening for my music that helps guide me.

I will still pray, and wish and dream..and try to complain less.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL. with love.

OOPS!

The things we realize, looking back.  I am an addict, I say it, I know it. Somehow, I forget. I stopped the pain pills yesterday, I wasn't taking too many in fact, probably 1/2 of the recommended dosage. The shakes started tonight. Then the hot/colds.. CRAP!

My hubby looked over at me at one point and laughed. "Yep, you are shaking." I did a 1/2 dosage of the med tonight. I will do another 1/2 or quarter tomorrow. I have weaned myself off of drugs before. Being addicted to pain meds? This isn't any different. I did enjoy my buzz for awhile, I guess. "high hopes" anyone? LOL

My stomach hurts from laughing and the removal of 12 staples. Ewww! I still have this drain thing, it is a really long tube attached to my insides somehow and ends up in a plastic bottle. I pin it to my underwear. I also get to empty the liquid from it. Mark, my hubby can't look at any of this stuff. It totally grosses him out and makes him nauseous. My mother-in-law finds it all fascinating. I wish she had been there for the birth of my kids. She would have been way more useful. Sorry, honey.

She is incredible, she has done the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry..I sleep.. and FB and I am not really sure what I am doing. I won't be able to drive till I get these pain meds completely out of my system. It is just going to take longer than I thought. 

I don't have any wise advice or even anything to say here other than "duh". I, of course, spaced off my niece's wedding. Congrats, honey. Nobody was really expecting me to show up. I am not very connected to either side of my family. FB has just recently opened some of those boundaries. My hubby is very close to his, while he lives as far away as he can. lol, I know. It doesn't make any sense to me either.

I am going to go upstairs soon, check on the kids and go to sleep. It is the week-end I may manage more than a couple of hours. There is laundry I need done, tomorrow. I am still not allowed to do anything. OK, I do know that I am a bit stuck on myself. It is a me.. me... me..thing. Yep! Since I can't sneak into other people's minds I have to stick with what I know. People do fascinate me though.

I am still shaking, and it is really getting annoying now. Good night everyone. Thanks for listening. TTYAL..

 

Next?

I have been really out of it for quite a few days now. The physical pain isn't so bad now. I have eased up on the pain meds. My mother-in-law is here taking care of me and my family. I love it, but find it strange. I still don't understand why I am so tired. All I have been doing is sleeping. I see the doctor in two days, hopefully my bowels will have figured out what they are supposed to do by then. I have been taking a laxative/stool softener, here's hoping.

I know, ugh! right? More people suffer from digestive problems than you'd believe. It isn't the topic of polite conversation. I suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). It is a catchphrase of sorts for any stomach or digestive order they can't "find" a reason for. I have had IBS since my 20's or before. I'll write an article about it someday. Not in this forum, though. Suffice it to say I usually have what I call "constipated diarrhea". It is nasty. *sigh. This surgery may make it better or worse or not affect it at all.

I have been enjoying the buffer time. It is weird to see my kids with their Dad and Grandma. It is almost always just me. Not having the full and total responsibility has been nice. It is also sweet that I don't have to lift or bend over either. I am very sore.

I am not sure what my point is tonight. I feel out of it, but am still here. I am tired but still awake. I haven 't been getting my normal thrill out of fb that I usually do. I don't know why. Nothing holds my interest for very long and I get irritable for no real reason. I am still not smoking. Which may have a lot to do with it. Breaking the habit/mold of 30 some years is an undertaking. One step at a time.

My hubby smokes, and his mom smokes, they both drink. They both tied one on last night. I was very irritated with this. But a friends wise words kept me balanced. It is my choice to stay straight. Not because of my kids, though that is part of it, mostly because the madness affects me more. When I drink or do drugs, I don't have an off switch.. I just keep going and going..it can get really ugly.

Way tired again so I am going to go snooze again. Keep your cool, one way or another, I'll have more on that story another day. Thinking about you all and thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. I am doing remarkably well. I miss my girlfriend Mindy and all the help she was the first few days of my surgery. I love her, forever. I love my mother-in-law Gloria too, for all she has done flying out here and making my life so easy.

I love my hubby and kids too. They are working so hard to not upset me. I am not the fragile flower they are treating me as but it is ok. My fb friends have kept me balanced with humor and sincerity.lol Goodnight all, please pray that I will be able to poop soon. Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Seriously. ttyal and thanks for listening.

High Hopes..

Pain is a relative thing, really. I have physical pain right now. It can be very bad. As long as I don't move a certain way, it is okay. I have had my third and "final" hernia surgery. The surgeon wasn't very optimistic about not having another recurrence. Whatever. My body, my rules and the doc's have been wrong before, so wrong. Here's hoping!

My girlfriend, my hubby and the kids have all come to see me.  My girlfriend the most, it has been sweet. It is so boring being in a hospital. My hubby brought me my phone and lap-top. He had me hooked up to the inter-net. I kept getting a warning page from my web security. I thought this was a virus on my computer and kept trying to clean it up. OMG! My hubby finally undid all the damage I had done, and hooked me up again.. Yey! I love you, honey. I have been playing on Facebook ever since. It was so wow! I have had so many well-wishers, and all from peeps I care about.

I am tired, and coming off of some drugs. I stopped the morphine yesterday as it makes me so nauseated. I'd rather be in pain then be throwing up with abdominal stitches and in pain. This is going to be my biggest scar. Doesn't even phase me, the little drainage bag and tube coming out of it is "icky". I get to go home with that. "Joy", I say sarcastically. I have been on Oxycontin today, lol. It makes me just a bit spacey. Good thing I am not really doing anything. I am off of the machines and a lot of the hook-ups so I can walk around pretty freely. It is kind of excruciating to get up. Once I am up, ah.. not so bad, I just feel like a little old lady shuffling around. I still have an IV tube stuck in my arm too. Blah! I have, of course already blown one. My record is four. We shall see.

The only scary part right now is that I am full of gas and will need to go at some point. Aargh, after somebody has been playing around with your bowels the idea is very unpleasant. I will not get into the reality of it when it happens. No sense in worrying about it. I need more drugs here...

I kind of upset the nurses a bit, as I tend to do for myself.  They get used to me. I have really been in too many hospitals, too many times. I can do a lot for myself and I am very pro-active in my care. The non-smoking thing has been a big bonus. I have been hacking up some nastiness. LOL, sorry..my throat hurts from the "tube" they use, and coughing is such a bad idea. I love the coffee they are supplying me with. It soothes and relaxes my throat and opens my lungs. Of course, it did keep me awake most of the night.

Ok, enough already. I am not really sure what I am writing about here. For this page I guess it would be titled "Laura's Stay at the Hospital" or "Hernia Surgery and Repair Number 3". Blah...LOL. I am boring myself. I really do like the drugs. I don't care for some of the side effects, I am dizzy and as of now, hot and sweaty. That is not even in a fun kind of way. The nurse just pointed out that this could be a hot flash. OMG! yep..for sure..Shazbot.

I realize lately that I am "older" but I don't feel "old". Does this make any sense? I really don't remember it happening either, but then I do. OK. I am almost 50. WOW! The second half of my life now awaits. I would like to be able to just dump most of the emotional garbage from the first half and start over. I kind of am, in a way when I am writing this stuff..yeah for me.!!

I want to go home. Don't we all? The place we have made that is our haven, sanctuary, nest..whatever you want to call it. I also want to go home eventually to the place I think about. It really isn't heaven, just another place without any worries. The place I go to when I sleep, and dream and don't remember. Where you don't have a care in the world and you can let everything go and still be safe. It will be soon enough I am sure.

Dorothy got home from Oz by clicking her heels together. It was the part of the story where you say OH, ok. I think I have more to do than clicking or even wishing. Whew! But for now, today I am going to call it a day and say good night, tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

The title is from a little song.."she has high hopes...(repeat) she has ..high apple pie... in the sky, hopes...oops there goes another rubber tree plant..(repeat)...kerplop!" There is more to it, but if you have ever heard that song now it is repeting in your brain forever..sorry. LOLOL.

I'm dying here..

I should be in bed asleep. I am tired, but I can't give in to it yet. I didn't take my sleepy pill either. I am dying for a glass of water , a cup of coffee. I would even appreciate a smoke. LOL, I am still clean and smoke-free..I can admit I loved to smoke. I miss it. But, I don't HAVE to anymore. Also knowing if I went and choked one down, that I would justify smoking more. No thanks.

My kids started school this week, it has gone very smoothly so far. This will not last. That isn't being pessimistic, that's reality. It has been very strange having my hubby here. Sweet, but just a bit confusing. My girlfriend is another element of helpful. She cheers me up just by being herself. She thinks my kids are brats. They do have their moments. LOL, she hasn't seen their good sides yet, really.

I am sleep-typing. Which is probably a pretty scary thing. I have my surgery, my third spigelian hernia repair, today..blah. I can't believe that drinking a bit of water is going to kill me here. But, sigh. I am so trying to behave. I am going to go upstairs soon and wash with their special soap. Then put on my freshly laundered outfit, and actually be ready to go. I wish I could take my lap-top with me. It would be cool to talk with my fb friends, blog or solitaire until it was time. But no.

I have so many things on my mind. My heart goes out to two of my nieces and that side of the family as both of them miscarried. Logically, I can understand how this happens. The amazing part is how well the entire miracle of birth really works, usually. Emotionally and spiritually now, it feels so raw and wrong, I hurt for their loss. It feels as if a part of my soul got torn away.

My daughter and son both got really emotional tonight. I realize that I complain endlessly about my kids, but I am still so amazed I have them. They trip me out. I don't think anyone can love them the same way that I can. Which is true but also silly, other people love and cherish them also. But, I'm their mom. Always. I can never explain that rush of emotion, it just is. You just have it, know it and feel it.

I'll be okay.

God has some purpose for me and I know it isn't finished yet.  It has barely started. So, I am not going to die. I am just going to be in pain and crabby for awhile. Or loopy, I hate/love pain meds. I am such a strange addict. ok, upstairs for awhile..this couch is too comfy. My favorite part will be waking up and being well enough to have my first cup of coffee. I hope you are reading this girlfriend.

TTYAL, and thanks for listening.

My quote for the week was

The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. - Yogi Bhajan   Because you/me are beyond price.