A Spoonful of Sugar..

It has not been a good week. It has been a very poor day today. I don't feel well. I haven't for a week, mostly my stomach. Now I have a cough, headache, chills and hot/cold flashes, plus nausea. I usually say, well, I have felt better. I have felt worse, so I'll keep it at that. Fudge!

I do swear, with real swear words and everything. I have been trying not to. My kids have picked up my habit. They don't even know what a lot of the words mean, but ouch! It does bother me. I try to keep my swear words for times that really really deserve a "bad" word. It makes it more effective. My therapist discussed my kids quite a bit this time.Yep, I am a 'sucky' parent. My words not his. He is much more positive.

My husband is actually worse than me as a parent, mostly. I am not being mean, he does agree. My kids, wow! It is amazing that they have turned out as well as they have, all things considered. My hubby is almost never home. When he is here, he is working on a project, and getting drunk. Then, he goes and crashes. He tries in his own way. For a while, he was overcompensating with guilt. He kept buying them more and more electronic toys and gizmo's. He does his sweet best in his own way. I just don't know.

The hardest part is him showing respect to me and not undermining the achievements we have accomplished or are working on. My kids will end up parroting everything he has said for weeks. Funny how they pick up on the stuff that really annoys me. I think it is a special talent. Jack moons around after he has left. The dog adores him. Though, I do admit I am Jack's favorite person. I am not sure when that happened, but it is true. *sigh. He really does stink. He is, of course, asleep on my legs right now.

I have so many things I'd like to say to this person or that person, but no. I need to stop this. I let the depression take control, then washed it down with booze and pills. Funny, I do know better. It made the depression, worse of course. It always does. I think that is so I have something else to berate myself later. It is an ugly cycle.

I am faced with a lot of choices of what I do next with my life. I can stay on the couch and cry on Facebook and this blog. I can get up and join something, anything, where I go out and meet some folks. I can't join AA, and not because alcohol isn't my favorite addiction. I avoid people right now, situations. I have isolated myself from the world some accidentally, some on purpose. Why?

Because I am a love/sex addict. I know that. I also know I have very little control right now. I have enough regrets, I don't need to add a heaping bunch of more. Hanging with alkies and drug addicts, LOL. I know I would fit in. I know if any of them fell off the wagon, so to speak.. I'd be there. It would also give me access to the men and drugs I crave from people who know and could/would prey on that weakness. Great.

I have stayed straight so many years by playing stupid. Avoiding situations where I could get "effed up" or hanging with people who did. I knew who did what drugs, who the players were and avoided them or made it a joke. After awhile, I was respectable and didn't have to worry about shite..plus. I am middle-aged now. I really don't have men or woman after me much anymore. I am really not "hot" and never was. I am too old for all that crap now. LOLOL.

Today, tomorrow..I hope I am feeling better. I see my surgeon on Monday. I need to make dentist appointments, grocery shop, pay a library fine, bring my son's immunization record to school. In other words, get back to my life. Other options, I don't know yet. One step at a time.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL.

‎"I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part." ~Shirley MacLaine

my family

She played a lot of different parts and had a great time. I do admire that. The title of this blog refers to a song from Mary Poppins.."A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." Something very sweet to cover up the awful taste of something to make you feel better. Works for other things as well..

Holy Hallelujah, Batman!

I am having such a hard time keeping it real today. Everything emotional keeps crashing into me. PMS, yes..figured that out later. But, Holy Hallelujah, Batman..or in other words WTFH! Trying to keep a lid on it really didn't work, I cried on-and-off desperate all day. I couldn't hide it from my kids, couldn't even hide it from the dog. I am so wrung out right now. I am now having a hot flash too. Yeah, this just keeps getting more fun. LOL-OMG. Jack, off my neck please..

The kids are in bed, I doubt very much that they are asleep. I hope they do get some. I have to wake them up. Crabby gets a whole new definition from the both of us. They will complain about breakfast choices. I am a terrible mom and will try to get them to eat something healthy. They probably won't eat at all or will grab some junk food.  Renee will eat leftovers, pizza, etc. Which isn't so bad. Max sneaks soda. Very, very bad. They will leave and then I can go talk to my therapist.

I don't want to talk to him this week. I never do. At the same time that I know I have to. This becomes a strange desire or desperate kind of urge. Great, now I have the feeling of bugs crawling all over me. This is a lovely symptom of being pre-menopausal. The only thing that works is benadryl. Which will knock me out. It is okay, I need to sleep anyway. Not yet though.

My hubby is at work, coming home now. He got called in. I believe him and I don't. We shall see. This did not help with the emotional sobbiness today. Nope, was most truly a major factor.

I talked with a friend that finds me, I really don't know. I know I piss him off and annoy him. I don't mean too, I want him to like me. I do admit I stalk him. He has answers to things I want to know about. I am not asking the right questions. I think of him now as a brother who got taken at birth and was raised by "real" people. I guess he has forgiven me again for bugging him, again. I hope.

Canyon Lake, AZ

My other stalkee is sweet about it. He answers even my most dumbest questions without judging me or being a jerk of any kind. I try not to get antsy if he doesn't answer me. I am a FB addict. I spread my addiction over a lot of friends who all mean a lot to me, in various degrees. The emotions and feelings are true. I really do care, even when I don't want to at times. Though I have to admit, it is not all gloom and doom. No, most is just regular life, and my friends are funny, smart and individuals. It is awesome.

My therapist has given me a bunch of paths, choices...most all of which we have discussed before. All of them require work..or giving up. I know this, knew this, but have been trying to avoid it. I am so tired.

Next step, next level, I talk about it, can I do it?

I don't know yet, which is a put-off answer. :-) TTYAL, thanks for listening.

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

Oscar Wilde

Oh what fools..duh.

I still feel like hell, this is why I say I don't drink. UGH! My hubby has been poking fun at me as he is an accomplished alcoholic. I had two Smirnoff's sour green apple malt beverages last night. That's it for the booze. I reminded my husband that I had already taken a 1/2 dose of pain meds and an anti-anxiety sleepy pill, a shot of benadryl, and heartburn medication. There is also the fact that I am now on 2 anti-depressants. Drug-free, my ass, I didn't even take this much shite when I was using every day. Of course then I would have upped everything till I wouldn't have known my own name if you asked me. Progress?

I could have really really done without the booze or pain-meds. I have my doubts about the anti-anxiety pills, they don't really calm me, just make me tired. The benadryl knocks me out and keeps me from itching..I had mosquito bites. The happy pills really do keep me from crying all the time. Why so much sadness? I don't really know, this is the stuff I try to talk to my therapist about. I admit I am frustrated with that a bit at the moment.

I have about three guys on my FB page I need to block. They annoy me. Hi beautiful, is the normal line..lolol. Are you serious? I haven't talked to any of them and won't. My other friends, two tragic deaths..people I didn't even know. I hurt for my friends knowing and feeling the pain they are in. I have three friends who are all expecting soon. Yeah! I am happy that one of my friends left her boyfriend, hopefully for good. I am hoping she is okay, she's strong, though. I have two friends who are engaged. They are so sweet.

There is more FB stuff, I am an addict remember? I feel besides my hangover's that last for days, like a fool. Repeating the mistakes I have done before, which means what? My one friend tells me that it means I am not ready for the next step. He is usually right. My other friend chastised me and suggested I break off contact. OK, I guess, I don't know. I am just so incredibly sad today. I haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days. I feel, on top of my hangover, like shit. I can't face another surgery, not now and nowhere in the immediate future. No more tests, no more BS.

Pity party? Pats On the back? What I need is the talking mirror that tells me I need to exercise, and eat right, pay attention to my kids, and gives encouragement. You are doing good not smoking, kudos for not eating that ice cream drumstick that you know will make you barf. LOL, some minions would be great, too. I am laughing at myself now, because that is what I do. It is what I have always done. I can get all serious and stupid but at a certain point. Good god, shut it already. Thanks for letting me whine about my life. I am including two pictures of Canyon Lake, AZ where we went for a boat ride today. TTYAL and have a wondrous day.

But God didn't put us here on earth just to feel good and enjoy ourselves.Craig Groeschel

Feed Me, Seymour

Ugh! I am full, I ate too much. I thought my stomach was hurting before. LOL, I was wrong. There are more pain levels. It still beats being hungry though. I have been there, hungry. I have never been starving. I say that I have at times, it is an expression, but no. It's a BIG difference.

When I was a kid, we had a day called "fast Sunday" aargh. Once a month, it started on Saturday night with no dinner and went on till Sunday evening. No food, no water or beverages, nothing. For me and my siblings it was torture. I could sometimes plan ahead and have something stashed. I usually forgot, and would try to sneak stuff. Sometimes I would get busted and sometimes I wouldn't. I drank water too, once I was old enough and  decided that it was just stupid and not a "sin". It almost killed my oldest brother, he is hypoglycemic. My other brother, sister, mom, and dad have all developed Type 2 diabetes. I have quite a few aunts, uncles, cousins with this problem too. Some have died from it or had major complications. It is a crappy, (insert swear words here), horrible disease.

 So far, I have only had gestional diabetes. It was when I was pregnant with my son, Max. I had a very severe case of it. I ended up being on insulin injections 3x a day and had to test my sugars, every couple hours or so. I had a dietician on call, I talked to her at least 5 or more times a day and saw her once a week. I was on a very strict diet, and was always hungry. I also threw up if I went "over". When I say over, lol..one snack was so many carbs, proteins and fats.. You know those little boxes of cereal, single portion fun ones? I had one of those, Rice Krispies with a 1/2 cup of skim milk. I got really sick, found out the carbs was enough for almost 2 servings. Wow!

I managed to keep my blood sugars under control working 30-40 hours a week, in a 24 hour restaurant. It was a major accomplishment. Max was born alive within normal weights and a normal size fully-functioning  pancreas. I had learned a lot about food, and diet. I also respect anyone who can adhere to a true diabetic diet for any amount of time. They are supposed to do it their whole lives. The saddest part is even with your sugars under control, it doesn't give you any guarantee that you won't develop any of the major complications. Early death, amputation, blindness..it is a long list.

There was a time in college, once at Utah Tech where I had no money for a week and all I had in the fridge was miracle whip, rice and ketchup..blch. None of my friends had money either, though somehow we had booze and cigarettes. Later in life, attending DeVry I remember shoplifting vienna sausages in a store, more than a few times. I had a few bucks, but that was for the bar. I had to buy at least one drink and tip well, the rest I would mooch from girlfriends and guys. Some I knew and some I didn't. I learned to keep a bottle of booze in my car. Apricot schnapps or brandy, in an Illinois winter, it was ice-cold and went down smooth. I had other tricks by that time to be high or drunk or a combo of both at almost all times. I worked two jobs and went to school full-time, ate like a pig, and was at the thinnest I was ever at in my life. I was a size 7-9 and still bigger than almost all the girls I knew. I was always broke.

I am trying to decide if I am going to keep talking about food or what. I did do a diet after Utah Tech where I only ate 500 calories a day. I think I mentioned this before. I lost over 30 lbs and then was sicker than sick for the next 2 years of my life. I worked in a lot of restaurants. One lady was a busser/disher and would save the food from customer's plates and bring it home to her family. I think she had at least 4 or 5 adults and at least 10-12 kids in various ages. They were all probably living in a 2 bedroom apartment at most with very little heat or hot water, usually no electricity either and everybody hustled to get a job. They were all illegals. What money they had went to the car to get everybody to work, and to pay off the extortionists that got them here.

My no pain diet, I eliminated booze 1st. That helped a lot. Then dairy, mostly..this was harder. I tried that no carb all protein diet for a bit and OMG, ugh. I eliminated anything deep-fried,wow yeah. I got to the point that I ate very little meat, lots of fresh and cooked veggies, rice and plain sweet potatoes, and eggs. The only bread I could tolerate was french or italian..found out later that this was all the stuff that doesn't irritate your bowels. Fats just were bad..more and more stuff kept getting added to my "no pain" diet. No soda, juice of any kind or tea, and black coffee only. Water was okay, but I had a hard time with it. I lost 85 lbs in 2 years. I also waitressed and rode my bike to my kids school 7 blocks away, 6 times a day. I would still end up in pain.

I am now healing from my 3rd surgery, a spigelian tumor..very rare. I think it has failed already, but I haven't told that to anyone yet. I am having partial bowel obstruction and pain again. I want to crawl under a rock and just die. *sigh, no really. I am tired of pain, physical and emotional, but I am so not ready to kick it yet. I have so many FB friends whine about getting old. I am older than I was, thank God.  I am not "old" until everyone I know is younger than me. Hah! Some of this I have mentioned before. I repeat myself on occasion, once or twice.

One of my friends, who I bug quite a bit is having his spouse face major surgery. I have been where she is at and where he is also. Neither place is fun, I send them prayers, love and healing thoughts because that is the only thing I can do. Crapola. I wish he had told me sooner as I have been a major pest, a big kind of cry-baby. Aaargh, I now feel like a schmuck, but I will get over it. I have another friend who has been a life-line for me. I am not sure what to call it. Faith, perhaps..and friendship. I have so many lady friends who I could list, each one faces so much in their own ways and slays their dragons with humor and grace. I am always so honored to be a part of their stories and try to encourage them however I can. LOL, I enjoy this part a lot as I get to be outrageous. I laugh. I love being naughty and enjoying a smile, chuckle or laugh, whether it is just joking fun or perverted humor, or even just silly. I can even manage to be serious, too.

 They and others have taught me more about music, art and food. Yum! I envy the ones who travel even as they complain about it. I want to go too..Rome, Japan, Texas..lol. etc.

My hubby goes back to Utah, next week. He did negotiate only a month and plane rides instead of driving. That part is good, the rest of me is not. I pray for strength, patience and help. This next month is going to be a challenge. One day at a time, one step at a time and its ok to be scared. I just keep moving. My family needs help. I have to reconnect with my kids and be a parent and the grown-up. I am still smoke-free. Hallelujah! Whew, time to take a deep breath. I got my levels cut out for me..I am sure you are all facing a few of your own. Thanks for listening as always. TTYL, I am going to try for a couple of hours. My quote for the day:

In times like these, it's helpful to remember that there have always been times like these. Paul Harvey

The title is from "THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS" I own no rights to this video or song or any part of it..

Big Girls, don't cry..

I told myself no matter what I am not going to cry today. I did okay. I think I helped a friend out this morning. I hope it ends up being two friends. That would be a bonus. I didn't drink too much coffee, took my anti-deps, but no pain pills. I have been really craving a smoke, but no. I am still doing good, smoke-free. I took a shower, even shaved my legs. Which is hard to do when you have recently healed scar tissue. I finally started laundry, dishes and washed counters. All of this was back and forth between Facebook, my blog, other people's blogs and taking care of Jack.

My hubby got called into work, we had to cancel plans we had made. It bites. He was gone before I woke up. My kids didn't get up till 10:30-11. I know! I fed them lunch and even started on coupons and papers. I have known it was the anniversary of 9-11 since I woke up. It is a sad day, and one I will never forget. I just have had enough sadness, though. I don't want to cry anymore. Not for me, not for any of them, not for any reason. I am on 2 anti-depressants. You would think that would help? No.

I am boo-hooing like a baby, and I really don't even know why. Is it because I feel everybody's sadness? Or that I can barely have a 2 sentence conversation with either of my kids. I talk to the puppy more. Nobody really wants to talk on Facebook either. Though I did realize that I had made a public post private, hmm..maybe. I am not sure what I did. I also was tinkering with my blog on-and-off and updated a few things. I think some of that re-published stuff. Do you like it? The changes I mean.

I need more friends, real friends. I am so tired of talking to myself or the dog. I talk to my therapist but I pay him. I talk to my hubby too, but that is really messed up right now. My two friends I message the most, have their own lives, families and problems. My other FB friends help me balance it more but, damn.

I am lonely. That was what I said in my first blog and despite all my personal growth and what-not. I am still lonely and bored. I'll be okay, it is just that I don't want to be just okay or surviving. Some lasting internal joy would be nice. Something to do, wow I am such a whiner. Telling myself that really doesn't help at this point. I am still crying.

Ok. doing better, sorry. Maybe I need to up those happy pills some more. OMG-LOL. Went out and did retail therapy and got some great deals. Even though my hubby has been gone all day, it doesn't matter. Whatever. I am fine. Tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening TTYAL. My level has been to get off my pity party..and bug at least one of my kids. Laughing now.

hanging on..or over?

Too early to go to bed, and I am not tired at all. So, I might as well write something.

I got drunk last night. I am such a lightweight, only took two malt beverages, Smirnoff's blueberry and lemonade. Well, to be honest, 1/2 a pain pill too..don't tell. shhh. It felt familiar and nice at the same time. I like being buzzed, sometimes. It is reality that is difficult. It is hard to be me, LOL.

I did sleep the whole night, wow. I spent the day with my family, which has had its sweet moments. Both of my kids at one point were 'jamming' in the back of the car to a song. I was laughing and so was my hubby, one of those times where life is just perfect in that instance. I try to snap a photo picture of it. I go back to visit that memory when things are not so great. I have quite a few of these good times in my head. They aren't always truly accurate, but they do make me smile. What's funny is when one of these memories bubbles up somewhere or at a time when it is totally inappropriate. It's okay. I really have gotten used to having security walk around behind me while I shop.

 I am craving smokes again. It isn't random, I know my triggers. I have been able to get past this so far. It has been more of a struggle today.  Whew! So, I am still a non-smoker.  I have won this round of the battle so far. If you aren't an addict, you don't understand I don't think. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I have been slightly nauseated all day and non-energetic. It is called having a very slight hangover. I have had hangovers that lasted for weeks. I also at points in my life wasn't sober or straight for more than a few hours for days, months, a few years. LOL Things are kind of blurry looking back at certain times.

The thing is, nobody I liked at that time wanted me straight anyway. My family, LOL..I ran away from them, and tried to keep it that way. I also walked away from or isolated myself from all previous parts of my life. The friends I had were all ones I partied with. I hated all my roomies and they hated me, with good reason. I had been in a beyond messed up relationship for 5 years. Men were good for sex, drugs, alcohol, and maybe a joke or two. That was about it.

 Meeting my husband was an accident.  I have been with him now for over 20 years. Wow, who would ever have thought? It boggles the mind. I quit school and my job at UPS to move to WI with him. I don't know why at the time. I liked him, as he was useful, but didn't love him. He likes to take credit for saving my life. He is right. I was on total self-destruct. I have told him many times since then that he messed up my life plan. I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 30. WTFH..instead I was with him, working and starting a career. I ended up with kids instead. That wasn't in my plans either, and changed my/our world forever.

I love my kids, love my husband and am trying to find ways to live with them, love them without all the angst of my past. My one friend likes to remind me one day at a time. I suppose, it is hard because loving them just isn't enough. They need me straight and on my feet. I'm not trying to be perfect, just better.

I may or may not tie one on again, the way my head and stomach feels it won't be for awhile. Oh ugh. My hubby has to work tomorrow after we made major family plans. Shazbot, the job comes first this time. It won't always. My level, OMG is to straighten up this week. I have been slacking. Your level, where do you want to be? Is your family your priority? Food? Booze or alcohol? Love? I think you have to figure out the answer to that question before you can move on.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL I am ending with 2 quotes that go together, but don't. It is how you view things. LOL.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.~Robert Frost

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr. Seuss

Same Road? LOL

Football. blah.

I am still crabby. My friends have given me good advice. Other things in my life are going very well. My incision has healed very nicely. I don't scar hardly at all. I guess this is a good thing, but I really don't care. I am still not sure what my problem is. I know I need something else to do. I need a job, or a hobby, or a ?
I do have some ideas for that but a lot depends on time and money.

I need practical parenting advice. Once again I have received a lot of good and some bad suggestions about this. I know at this point, I am not a great parent. I try not to be grumpy with my kids. They are very happy I have stopped smoking. Other things, *sigh, I wish I could take back stuff I have said and done. I did spank my kids when they were younger. I am not sure when I started losing my temper and smacking them. My daughter got the worst of this. I no longer use any type of corporeal punishment, whatsoever. I haven't in over a year plus. I crossed a line. I talk with my therapist and hubby about this.

The big problem now is I didn't have any real substitutes. I observe other people constantly, not only because they are fascinating. I also want to see how they work and function. I have done this all my life. I stand back and watch how people deal with things. Of course, with my own dealings there is the "before" and "after". If I know I am going somewhere to interact with people, I play out different scenario's in my brain. How they are going to act and say and my own responses. Afterwards, I play out all the things I could have said or done differently. This is all exhausting and rather pointless.

I have improved over the years, and try not to get ahead of myself or berate myself after, but just live in the moment. It is harder and easier than you would think. LOL. I want/crave a cigarette right now so badly. I know I won't. The choice right now would be menthol, blchh. The other option would be to take a drive and get some. Nope. Before my hypnosis, I wouldn't have even debated this. I would have been out the door as soon as I realized I was getting low. It feels really nice to be free of that compulsion.

I am not letting myself be a slave to my own brain. Whatever reasons caused my mind to function the way it does? So be it. I have a choice.

"Anger cannot be ignored or repressed without causing trouble in your soul; it must be dealt with!"

Damn straight, that quote. I have a lot of anger, fear, emotions all bottled up. It is leaking out now, or it burst out and I am trying to patch it up. I am really not sure. I don't have any answers today other than trying to be in the moment and give yourself a break. Beating yourself up about past history doesn't help anything. Thanks to the peeps who have helped me in this journey. There have been many and every one of them is awesome. I am so truly lucky to have the friends and family that I do.

My stomach is hurting now, it is from being on my butt for so long. LOL, bed-time for me. Goodnite or good morning, afternoon wherever you may be. Smile and be you :-) Thanks for listening TTYAL.

I hated rap..till now..contains R rated words..LOL. I don't own any rights to this song or words or anything.