WARNING : Wishes Do Come True

It came as a slap in the face today. Most everything I have whined, moaned or wished about has come true in these past couple of weeks. My hubby is at home, kind of working and kind of not. I have someone else doing all my chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, puppy care..etc. I also have a way, means, and stamp of approval to get as high as I want, as much as I want for a few weeks. I am being encouraged to sit on my butt and play with fb or whatever. I can sleep as much as I want, whenever I want. I have continued to quit smoking. I also have 2 other adults in my house who help with child-teen behavior.

OK, wow! The fact that I had major surgery, can't drive and do any of those things I used to complain about. hmmm..I am severely limited on my pain meds right now. Um, and now my incision is giving me more grief..ouch. Go figure. I am kind of laughing here. I love both my hubby and my mom-in-law. In very different and unique ways, and whew! Let us just say it has been a bit difficult adjusting to them being here. They both smoke, my girlfriend did too. It has been very lip-biting crabbiness not joining them in what used to be my favorite past time. It helps or doesn't that it is so hot out. My kids are brats, which I knew already. To see that idea mirrored and reinforced. *sigh.

So dreams do come true, wishes can be answered, prayers granted..and it isn't what I wanted. This is not the fantasy life I had imagined. I feel like boo-hooing a bit and stamping my feet and doing a little temper dance. Ok, I'll admit it. I already did. I am a brat, also.

My mind is a hot mess right now. I couldn't even begin to start with what I am thinking, or feeling, up is down, left is right and my universe is not upside down, but tilted and someone or others have been traipsing around doing their own little dance or clean up inside my head. That I go looking for these different thoughts and experiences really isn't the point. I am trying to process it all and somehow, I have been coming up short. Maybe that is the drugs..

If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems.

With that thought I do smile, and am going to steal another piece of homemade Rice Krispie treats, maybe. I have thank you notes to write to my many wonderful neighbors tomorrow and things and events to plan for. I know going out for a smoke won't solve anything or make me feel better. I know food or drugs won't take away any of my anguish inside..it just spits it out in a different form. I am learning, slowly. Listening for my music that helps guide me.

I will still pray, and wish and dream..and try to complain less.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL. with love.

OOPS!

The things we realize, looking back.  I am an addict, I say it, I know it. Somehow, I forget. I stopped the pain pills yesterday, I wasn't taking too many in fact, probably 1/2 of the recommended dosage. The shakes started tonight. Then the hot/colds.. CRAP!

My hubby looked over at me at one point and laughed. "Yep, you are shaking." I did a 1/2 dosage of the med tonight. I will do another 1/2 or quarter tomorrow. I have weaned myself off of drugs before. Being addicted to pain meds? This isn't any different. I did enjoy my buzz for awhile, I guess. "high hopes" anyone? LOL

My stomach hurts from laughing and the removal of 12 staples. Ewww! I still have this drain thing, it is a really long tube attached to my insides somehow and ends up in a plastic bottle. I pin it to my underwear. I also get to empty the liquid from it. Mark, my hubby can't look at any of this stuff. It totally grosses him out and makes him nauseous. My mother-in-law finds it all fascinating. I wish she had been there for the birth of my kids. She would have been way more useful. Sorry, honey.

She is incredible, she has done the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry..I sleep.. and FB and I am not really sure what I am doing. I won't be able to drive till I get these pain meds completely out of my system. It is just going to take longer than I thought. 

I don't have any wise advice or even anything to say here other than "duh". I, of course, spaced off my niece's wedding. Congrats, honey. Nobody was really expecting me to show up. I am not very connected to either side of my family. FB has just recently opened some of those boundaries. My hubby is very close to his, while he lives as far away as he can. lol, I know. It doesn't make any sense to me either.

I am going to go upstairs soon, check on the kids and go to sleep. It is the week-end I may manage more than a couple of hours. There is laundry I need done, tomorrow. I am still not allowed to do anything. OK, I do know that I am a bit stuck on myself. It is a me.. me... me..thing. Yep! Since I can't sneak into other people's minds I have to stick with what I know. People do fascinate me though.

I am still shaking, and it is really getting annoying now. Good night everyone. Thanks for listening. TTYAL..

 

Next?

I have been really out of it for quite a few days now. The physical pain isn't so bad now. I have eased up on the pain meds. My mother-in-law is here taking care of me and my family. I love it, but find it strange. I still don't understand why I am so tired. All I have been doing is sleeping. I see the doctor in two days, hopefully my bowels will have figured out what they are supposed to do by then. I have been taking a laxative/stool softener, here's hoping.

I know, ugh! right? More people suffer from digestive problems than you'd believe. It isn't the topic of polite conversation. I suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). It is a catchphrase of sorts for any stomach or digestive order they can't "find" a reason for. I have had IBS since my 20's or before. I'll write an article about it someday. Not in this forum, though. Suffice it to say I usually have what I call "constipated diarrhea". It is nasty. *sigh. This surgery may make it better or worse or not affect it at all.

I have been enjoying the buffer time. It is weird to see my kids with their Dad and Grandma. It is almost always just me. Not having the full and total responsibility has been nice. It is also sweet that I don't have to lift or bend over either. I am very sore.

I am not sure what my point is tonight. I feel out of it, but am still here. I am tired but still awake. I haven 't been getting my normal thrill out of fb that I usually do. I don't know why. Nothing holds my interest for very long and I get irritable for no real reason. I am still not smoking. Which may have a lot to do with it. Breaking the habit/mold of 30 some years is an undertaking. One step at a time.

My hubby smokes, and his mom smokes, they both drink. They both tied one on last night. I was very irritated with this. But a friends wise words kept me balanced. It is my choice to stay straight. Not because of my kids, though that is part of it, mostly because the madness affects me more. When I drink or do drugs, I don't have an off switch.. I just keep going and going..it can get really ugly.

Way tired again so I am going to go snooze again. Keep your cool, one way or another, I'll have more on that story another day. Thinking about you all and thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. I am doing remarkably well. I miss my girlfriend Mindy and all the help she was the first few days of my surgery. I love her, forever. I love my mother-in-law Gloria too, for all she has done flying out here and making my life so easy.

I love my hubby and kids too. They are working so hard to not upset me. I am not the fragile flower they are treating me as but it is ok. My fb friends have kept me balanced with humor and sincerity.lol Goodnight all, please pray that I will be able to poop soon. Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Seriously. ttyal and thanks for listening.

High Hopes..

Pain is a relative thing, really. I have physical pain right now. It can be very bad. As long as I don't move a certain way, it is okay. I have had my third and "final" hernia surgery. The surgeon wasn't very optimistic about not having another recurrence. Whatever. My body, my rules and the doc's have been wrong before, so wrong. Here's hoping!

My girlfriend, my hubby and the kids have all come to see me.  My girlfriend the most, it has been sweet. It is so boring being in a hospital. My hubby brought me my phone and lap-top. He had me hooked up to the inter-net. I kept getting a warning page from my web security. I thought this was a virus on my computer and kept trying to clean it up. OMG! My hubby finally undid all the damage I had done, and hooked me up again.. Yey! I love you, honey. I have been playing on Facebook ever since. It was so wow! I have had so many well-wishers, and all from peeps I care about.

I am tired, and coming off of some drugs. I stopped the morphine yesterday as it makes me so nauseated. I'd rather be in pain then be throwing up with abdominal stitches and in pain. This is going to be my biggest scar. Doesn't even phase me, the little drainage bag and tube coming out of it is "icky". I get to go home with that. "Joy", I say sarcastically. I have been on Oxycontin today, lol. It makes me just a bit spacey. Good thing I am not really doing anything. I am off of the machines and a lot of the hook-ups so I can walk around pretty freely. It is kind of excruciating to get up. Once I am up, ah.. not so bad, I just feel like a little old lady shuffling around. I still have an IV tube stuck in my arm too. Blah! I have, of course already blown one. My record is four. We shall see.

The only scary part right now is that I am full of gas and will need to go at some point. Aargh, after somebody has been playing around with your bowels the idea is very unpleasant. I will not get into the reality of it when it happens. No sense in worrying about it. I need more drugs here...

I kind of upset the nurses a bit, as I tend to do for myself.  They get used to me. I have really been in too many hospitals, too many times. I can do a lot for myself and I am very pro-active in my care. The non-smoking thing has been a big bonus. I have been hacking up some nastiness. LOL, sorry..my throat hurts from the "tube" they use, and coughing is such a bad idea. I love the coffee they are supplying me with. It soothes and relaxes my throat and opens my lungs. Of course, it did keep me awake most of the night.

Ok, enough already. I am not really sure what I am writing about here. For this page I guess it would be titled "Laura's Stay at the Hospital" or "Hernia Surgery and Repair Number 3". Blah...LOL. I am boring myself. I really do like the drugs. I don't care for some of the side effects, I am dizzy and as of now, hot and sweaty. That is not even in a fun kind of way. The nurse just pointed out that this could be a hot flash. OMG! yep..for sure..Shazbot.

I realize lately that I am "older" but I don't feel "old". Does this make any sense? I really don't remember it happening either, but then I do. OK. I am almost 50. WOW! The second half of my life now awaits. I would like to be able to just dump most of the emotional garbage from the first half and start over. I kind of am, in a way when I am writing this stuff..yeah for me.!!

I want to go home. Don't we all? The place we have made that is our haven, sanctuary, nest..whatever you want to call it. I also want to go home eventually to the place I think about. It really isn't heaven, just another place without any worries. The place I go to when I sleep, and dream and don't remember. Where you don't have a care in the world and you can let everything go and still be safe. It will be soon enough I am sure.

Dorothy got home from Oz by clicking her heels together. It was the part of the story where you say OH, ok. I think I have more to do than clicking or even wishing. Whew! But for now, today I am going to call it a day and say good night, tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

The title is from a little song.."she has high hopes...(repeat) she has ..high apple pie... in the sky, hopes...oops there goes another rubber tree plant..(repeat)...kerplop!" There is more to it, but if you have ever heard that song now it is repeting in your brain forever..sorry. LOLOL.

I'm dying here..

I should be in bed asleep. I am tired, but I can't give in to it yet. I didn't take my sleepy pill either. I am dying for a glass of water , a cup of coffee. I would even appreciate a smoke. LOL, I am still clean and smoke-free..I can admit I loved to smoke. I miss it. But, I don't HAVE to anymore. Also knowing if I went and choked one down, that I would justify smoking more. No thanks.

My kids started school this week, it has gone very smoothly so far. This will not last. That isn't being pessimistic, that's reality. It has been very strange having my hubby here. Sweet, but just a bit confusing. My girlfriend is another element of helpful. She cheers me up just by being herself. She thinks my kids are brats. They do have their moments. LOL, she hasn't seen their good sides yet, really.

I am sleep-typing. Which is probably a pretty scary thing. I have my surgery, my third spigelian hernia repair, today..blah. I can't believe that drinking a bit of water is going to kill me here. But, sigh. I am so trying to behave. I am going to go upstairs soon and wash with their special soap. Then put on my freshly laundered outfit, and actually be ready to go. I wish I could take my lap-top with me. It would be cool to talk with my fb friends, blog or solitaire until it was time. But no.

I have so many things on my mind. My heart goes out to two of my nieces and that side of the family as both of them miscarried. Logically, I can understand how this happens. The amazing part is how well the entire miracle of birth really works, usually. Emotionally and spiritually now, it feels so raw and wrong, I hurt for their loss. It feels as if a part of my soul got torn away.

My daughter and son both got really emotional tonight. I realize that I complain endlessly about my kids, but I am still so amazed I have them. They trip me out. I don't think anyone can love them the same way that I can. Which is true but also silly, other people love and cherish them also. But, I'm their mom. Always. I can never explain that rush of emotion, it just is. You just have it, know it and feel it.

I'll be okay.

God has some purpose for me and I know it isn't finished yet.  It has barely started. So, I am not going to die. I am just going to be in pain and crabby for awhile. Or loopy, I hate/love pain meds. I am such a strange addict. ok, upstairs for awhile..this couch is too comfy. My favorite part will be waking up and being well enough to have my first cup of coffee. I hope you are reading this girlfriend.

TTYAL, and thanks for listening.

My quote for the week was

The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. - Yogi Bhajan   Because you/me are beyond price. 

in the end it really does matter.

Hi.
I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed the past couple of weeks. I don't know. I have my hernia surgery coming up on Wed. *Sigh, I don't want to do it. I know it won't fix anything, really. I am hoping I am wrong. I also have suicidal thoughts come out, maybe this will finally be it. I won't wake up and that will be that. Or in my overwrought imagination, I have some soap opera ending where I die and if they had just done this instead. lolol..oh-blah.

It has been sweet having my hubby home. I have been so tired though. I slept eight hours two nights in a row and still ended up taking a nap today and yesterday. Shaking my head, it is very hard to get anything done when you are asleep all the time. It has felt very good though. I was sleeping in naps again before that. I hate that..a couple hours here and there. Its awful.

It feels so weird to not be smoking. I forget. I remember. I crave it really bad sometimes. I can talk myself out of it so far. Other times, hmm..I used to panic when I didn't know where my smokes were or was missing a lighter or was running low or out. The panic is gone, I can look back on it sort of how you would look at a goldfish just put in a new bowl. He's swimming around all crazy.  I feel sorry for that fish, was that fish, but it isn't me anymore. It is very very strange.

I am still an addict. I have been slowing down on Facebook. I haven't been blogging as much. Though, I have been reading other peoples blogs. I guess some of that tripped me a bit. There are people who write extremely well. I don't quite know how I write. It changes depending on who, what, where, why and how. Sort of like me, I don't always remember what I wrote or what I said. I need reminders or references. My punctuation is terrible. I have run-ons and fragments and..oh well. I felt less-than.

That has become an all to uncomfortable creepy feeling lately. That I am less-than, because I am an addict or admit that I have mental issues of depression and anxiety. Or that I am cash-poor and in debt, with no job and my husband supporting me. That does really bother me. That I am less-than because I am not thin, and in shape and have never worn a bikini in public...and never will. That my parents never had money to send me to a real dentist very often and couldn't afford braces. My teeth are crooked. My son's teeth are really gnarly, that will be the next big expense.

The less-than is all in my head. It is how I have been perceiving myself. For shame..I know. I have done so much and come so far..and as I told my daughter today. It matters. Life matters. Love matters. What I do or don't do does make a difference somewhere, to somebody. Myself for one. God? Mmmhhmm..I would think so, my friends, families, strangers, etc. Anybody I come into contact with, one way or another. I have the choice to hold my head up or be embarrassed by my own judgement. Ha!

I make mistakes, I lie sometimes, I fudge a bit on the whole truth at times. I have stolen.. I have so much in my past..lolol. I have so much I face right now every day. It is very hard being me. Why? Because I am at war with myself usually. Other times it is so easy where everything just falls into place without much effort and wow! I love those kind of days.

I am going to go get some sleep now, and I am letting God take over on this surgery. It will be what it will be. I am really happy my gf is coming into town, and it will be nice to just relax and chill. Tomorrow I will try to push my energy level a bit more, but I am ok now. Not less than or more than, just me. Good night.

I am barely breathing...

I have missed you all. I am still smoke-free, it has been two weeks now. I am totally and completely exhausted. Non-smoking is supposes to give you energy and better breathing capability. LOL, I guess I read the memo wrong. I am beat...and have been having a harder time breathing. It feels like a weight on my chest for the most part. I do smell better in two ways. The smoke isn't in my clothes, hair, mouth. I also,  hmm..can smell other odors stronger and faster. But wowza! I am sooo tired.

I saw my surgeon and my hernia surgery is scheduled for next week. *sigh* This is operation #3, and it is going to be a mess. They don't know how much of the mesh has adhered to my bowels at this point. So, I may have a lot of bowel removed or none. I have given up so far on all my other symptoms. I am "normal"..yeah, right. The doctors can't figure it out and neither can I. I can't afford any more tests or specialists. No more Zebra's.

Do you understand why I haven't written? LOL, sorry. I have been very depressed again. Each and every day has been a battle to get up and get showered, dressed and do anything. I have been in a black pit and know it is stupid. There is nothing worse than feeling sorry for yourself. Knowing it, and what?? Slipping around and around in the muck of it and giving up..on the inside.

Is this just an addict thing? Shite!

I gave up smoking for a whole lot of reasons..one is so this damn surgery actually works. I also realize that once again I am out of a job/occupation. I have tried to deny this for years. I can't go back to waitressing, ever, or retail, or factory, or UPS. I have always had somewhat brutally physical jobs. There was good and bad things associated with each one. Now, hmmm...my body can't seem to take anything.

I feel useless.

Not that I am not needed. LOL.. I have dishes to do, laundry to wash, kids to ignore,(LOL) cooking, cleaning, shopping, the whole mom, wife, and pet-owner thing. Plus, I get guilt-trips too. I can spend so much, and not save anything at all and I am so not bringing any money in. Shazbot!

Whew! My hubby comes home Thursday, weird. My girlfriend is coming Monday, and the kids go back to school. My surgery is Wednesday.

Facebook has helped. I have friends I have talked to. My kids? Not so much, I am so frustrated today with them and the dog. I am...I am not even sure what the hell I am.

I have had another nap since writing all this. It does make a difference. I crave the smokes and don't. I want to get wasted, but don't. I have other addictions, fantasies that I am ignoring. I'd like to go eat a whole box of Dunkin Donuts, or hmm.. I really want to wallow and be crabby, this I do do a bit. LOL, sorry kids and hubby. Jack, the puppy doesn't take this personally. The kids?? It is still a 100 degrees outside, Max went to the mailbox for me and almost passed out. Renee has not been anywhere all day and refuses to do anything but sit in A/C and work on her computer art.

I am going to be okay. I know this isn't the way it is going to end for me. The only way it would is if I let my own stupidity get in the way of myself. Which is? Hello, Laura..mmhmm.. I am listening, Lord. I will knock this off and pay better attention to what is going on. My friend likes to say one day, one step at a time. For me today and for the last week, it has been a struggle of epic proportions that shouldn't have even made me blink. Hah! I have won this round so far.

For you, my readers..does any of this make sense to you? Not only that I am human, but so human and flawed at times? I think everyone has their struggles to stay sane and active and not let the darkness win. I may be the exception in that I write about it, and admit it. Or that it happens so often? *sigh. Thanks for listening as always. I need to remember that this is one of my strengths. It helps make me stronger to write it out. I feel better now than I have all day. I have coupons and groceries to get to..and more straws to buy.
Smoke-free and learning my "new" normal. Thanks.