Next?

I have been really out of it for quite a few days now. The physical pain isn't so bad now. I have eased up on the pain meds. My mother-in-law is here taking care of me and my family. I love it, but find it strange. I still don't understand why I am so tired. All I have been doing is sleeping. I see the doctor in two days, hopefully my bowels will have figured out what they are supposed to do by then. I have been taking a laxative/stool softener, here's hoping.

I know, ugh! right? More people suffer from digestive problems than you'd believe. It isn't the topic of polite conversation. I suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). It is a catchphrase of sorts for any stomach or digestive order they can't "find" a reason for. I have had IBS since my 20's or before. I'll write an article about it someday. Not in this forum, though. Suffice it to say I usually have what I call "constipated diarrhea". It is nasty. *sigh. This surgery may make it better or worse or not affect it at all.

I have been enjoying the buffer time. It is weird to see my kids with their Dad and Grandma. It is almost always just me. Not having the full and total responsibility has been nice. It is also sweet that I don't have to lift or bend over either. I am very sore.

I am not sure what my point is tonight. I feel out of it, but am still here. I am tired but still awake. I haven 't been getting my normal thrill out of fb that I usually do. I don't know why. Nothing holds my interest for very long and I get irritable for no real reason. I am still not smoking. Which may have a lot to do with it. Breaking the habit/mold of 30 some years is an undertaking. One step at a time.

My hubby smokes, and his mom smokes, they both drink. They both tied one on last night. I was very irritated with this. But a friends wise words kept me balanced. It is my choice to stay straight. Not because of my kids, though that is part of it, mostly because the madness affects me more. When I drink or do drugs, I don't have an off switch.. I just keep going and going..it can get really ugly.

Way tired again so I am going to go snooze again. Keep your cool, one way or another, I'll have more on that story another day. Thinking about you all and thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. I am doing remarkably well. I miss my girlfriend Mindy and all the help she was the first few days of my surgery. I love her, forever. I love my mother-in-law Gloria too, for all she has done flying out here and making my life so easy.

I love my hubby and kids too. They are working so hard to not upset me. I am not the fragile flower they are treating me as but it is ok. My fb friends have kept me balanced with humor and sincerity.lol Goodnight all, please pray that I will be able to poop soon. Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Seriously. ttyal and thanks for listening.

High Hopes..

Pain is a relative thing, really. I have physical pain right now. It can be very bad. As long as I don't move a certain way, it is okay. I have had my third and "final" hernia surgery. The surgeon wasn't very optimistic about not having another recurrence. Whatever. My body, my rules and the doc's have been wrong before, so wrong. Here's hoping!

My girlfriend, my hubby and the kids have all come to see me.  My girlfriend the most, it has been sweet. It is so boring being in a hospital. My hubby brought me my phone and lap-top. He had me hooked up to the inter-net. I kept getting a warning page from my web security. I thought this was a virus on my computer and kept trying to clean it up. OMG! My hubby finally undid all the damage I had done, and hooked me up again.. Yey! I love you, honey. I have been playing on Facebook ever since. It was so wow! I have had so many well-wishers, and all from peeps I care about.

I am tired, and coming off of some drugs. I stopped the morphine yesterday as it makes me so nauseated. I'd rather be in pain then be throwing up with abdominal stitches and in pain. This is going to be my biggest scar. Doesn't even phase me, the little drainage bag and tube coming out of it is "icky". I get to go home with that. "Joy", I say sarcastically. I have been on Oxycontin today, lol. It makes me just a bit spacey. Good thing I am not really doing anything. I am off of the machines and a lot of the hook-ups so I can walk around pretty freely. It is kind of excruciating to get up. Once I am up, ah.. not so bad, I just feel like a little old lady shuffling around. I still have an IV tube stuck in my arm too. Blah! I have, of course already blown one. My record is four. We shall see.

The only scary part right now is that I am full of gas and will need to go at some point. Aargh, after somebody has been playing around with your bowels the idea is very unpleasant. I will not get into the reality of it when it happens. No sense in worrying about it. I need more drugs here...

I kind of upset the nurses a bit, as I tend to do for myself.  They get used to me. I have really been in too many hospitals, too many times. I can do a lot for myself and I am very pro-active in my care. The non-smoking thing has been a big bonus. I have been hacking up some nastiness. LOL, sorry..my throat hurts from the "tube" they use, and coughing is such a bad idea. I love the coffee they are supplying me with. It soothes and relaxes my throat and opens my lungs. Of course, it did keep me awake most of the night.

Ok, enough already. I am not really sure what I am writing about here. For this page I guess it would be titled "Laura's Stay at the Hospital" or "Hernia Surgery and Repair Number 3". Blah...LOL. I am boring myself. I really do like the drugs. I don't care for some of the side effects, I am dizzy and as of now, hot and sweaty. That is not even in a fun kind of way. The nurse just pointed out that this could be a hot flash. OMG! yep..for sure..Shazbot.

I realize lately that I am "older" but I don't feel "old". Does this make any sense? I really don't remember it happening either, but then I do. OK. I am almost 50. WOW! The second half of my life now awaits. I would like to be able to just dump most of the emotional garbage from the first half and start over. I kind of am, in a way when I am writing this stuff..yeah for me.!!

I want to go home. Don't we all? The place we have made that is our haven, sanctuary, nest..whatever you want to call it. I also want to go home eventually to the place I think about. It really isn't heaven, just another place without any worries. The place I go to when I sleep, and dream and don't remember. Where you don't have a care in the world and you can let everything go and still be safe. It will be soon enough I am sure.

Dorothy got home from Oz by clicking her heels together. It was the part of the story where you say OH, ok. I think I have more to do than clicking or even wishing. Whew! But for now, today I am going to call it a day and say good night, tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

The title is from a little song.."she has high hopes...(repeat) she has ..high apple pie... in the sky, hopes...oops there goes another rubber tree plant..(repeat)...kerplop!" There is more to it, but if you have ever heard that song now it is repeting in your brain forever..sorry. LOLOL.

I'm dying here..

I should be in bed asleep. I am tired, but I can't give in to it yet. I didn't take my sleepy pill either. I am dying for a glass of water , a cup of coffee. I would even appreciate a smoke. LOL, I am still clean and smoke-free..I can admit I loved to smoke. I miss it. But, I don't HAVE to anymore. Also knowing if I went and choked one down, that I would justify smoking more. No thanks.

My kids started school this week, it has gone very smoothly so far. This will not last. That isn't being pessimistic, that's reality. It has been very strange having my hubby here. Sweet, but just a bit confusing. My girlfriend is another element of helpful. She cheers me up just by being herself. She thinks my kids are brats. They do have their moments. LOL, she hasn't seen their good sides yet, really.

I am sleep-typing. Which is probably a pretty scary thing. I have my surgery, my third spigelian hernia repair, today..blah. I can't believe that drinking a bit of water is going to kill me here. But, sigh. I am so trying to behave. I am going to go upstairs soon and wash with their special soap. Then put on my freshly laundered outfit, and actually be ready to go. I wish I could take my lap-top with me. It would be cool to talk with my fb friends, blog or solitaire until it was time. But no.

I have so many things on my mind. My heart goes out to two of my nieces and that side of the family as both of them miscarried. Logically, I can understand how this happens. The amazing part is how well the entire miracle of birth really works, usually. Emotionally and spiritually now, it feels so raw and wrong, I hurt for their loss. It feels as if a part of my soul got torn away.

My daughter and son both got really emotional tonight. I realize that I complain endlessly about my kids, but I am still so amazed I have them. They trip me out. I don't think anyone can love them the same way that I can. Which is true but also silly, other people love and cherish them also. But, I'm their mom. Always. I can never explain that rush of emotion, it just is. You just have it, know it and feel it.

I'll be okay.

God has some purpose for me and I know it isn't finished yet.  It has barely started. So, I am not going to die. I am just going to be in pain and crabby for awhile. Or loopy, I hate/love pain meds. I am such a strange addict. ok, upstairs for awhile..this couch is too comfy. My favorite part will be waking up and being well enough to have my first cup of coffee. I hope you are reading this girlfriend.

TTYAL, and thanks for listening.

My quote for the week was

The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. - Yogi Bhajan   Because you/me are beyond price. 

in the end it really does matter.

Hi.
I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed the past couple of weeks. I don't know. I have my hernia surgery coming up on Wed. *Sigh, I don't want to do it. I know it won't fix anything, really. I am hoping I am wrong. I also have suicidal thoughts come out, maybe this will finally be it. I won't wake up and that will be that. Or in my overwrought imagination, I have some soap opera ending where I die and if they had just done this instead. lolol..oh-blah.

It has been sweet having my hubby home. I have been so tired though. I slept eight hours two nights in a row and still ended up taking a nap today and yesterday. Shaking my head, it is very hard to get anything done when you are asleep all the time. It has felt very good though. I was sleeping in naps again before that. I hate that..a couple hours here and there. Its awful.

It feels so weird to not be smoking. I forget. I remember. I crave it really bad sometimes. I can talk myself out of it so far. Other times, hmm..I used to panic when I didn't know where my smokes were or was missing a lighter or was running low or out. The panic is gone, I can look back on it sort of how you would look at a goldfish just put in a new bowl. He's swimming around all crazy.  I feel sorry for that fish, was that fish, but it isn't me anymore. It is very very strange.

I am still an addict. I have been slowing down on Facebook. I haven't been blogging as much. Though, I have been reading other peoples blogs. I guess some of that tripped me a bit. There are people who write extremely well. I don't quite know how I write. It changes depending on who, what, where, why and how. Sort of like me, I don't always remember what I wrote or what I said. I need reminders or references. My punctuation is terrible. I have run-ons and fragments and..oh well. I felt less-than.

That has become an all to uncomfortable creepy feeling lately. That I am less-than, because I am an addict or admit that I have mental issues of depression and anxiety. Or that I am cash-poor and in debt, with no job and my husband supporting me. That does really bother me. That I am less-than because I am not thin, and in shape and have never worn a bikini in public...and never will. That my parents never had money to send me to a real dentist very often and couldn't afford braces. My teeth are crooked. My son's teeth are really gnarly, that will be the next big expense.

The less-than is all in my head. It is how I have been perceiving myself. For shame..I know. I have done so much and come so far..and as I told my daughter today. It matters. Life matters. Love matters. What I do or don't do does make a difference somewhere, to somebody. Myself for one. God? Mmmhhmm..I would think so, my friends, families, strangers, etc. Anybody I come into contact with, one way or another. I have the choice to hold my head up or be embarrassed by my own judgement. Ha!

I make mistakes, I lie sometimes, I fudge a bit on the whole truth at times. I have stolen.. I have so much in my past..lolol. I have so much I face right now every day. It is very hard being me. Why? Because I am at war with myself usually. Other times it is so easy where everything just falls into place without much effort and wow! I love those kind of days.

I am going to go get some sleep now, and I am letting God take over on this surgery. It will be what it will be. I am really happy my gf is coming into town, and it will be nice to just relax and chill. Tomorrow I will try to push my energy level a bit more, but I am ok now. Not less than or more than, just me. Good night.

I am barely breathing...

I have missed you all. I am still smoke-free, it has been two weeks now. I am totally and completely exhausted. Non-smoking is supposes to give you energy and better breathing capability. LOL, I guess I read the memo wrong. I am beat...and have been having a harder time breathing. It feels like a weight on my chest for the most part. I do smell better in two ways. The smoke isn't in my clothes, hair, mouth. I also,  hmm..can smell other odors stronger and faster. But wowza! I am sooo tired.

I saw my surgeon and my hernia surgery is scheduled for next week. *sigh* This is operation #3, and it is going to be a mess. They don't know how much of the mesh has adhered to my bowels at this point. So, I may have a lot of bowel removed or none. I have given up so far on all my other symptoms. I am "normal"..yeah, right. The doctors can't figure it out and neither can I. I can't afford any more tests or specialists. No more Zebra's.

Do you understand why I haven't written? LOL, sorry. I have been very depressed again. Each and every day has been a battle to get up and get showered, dressed and do anything. I have been in a black pit and know it is stupid. There is nothing worse than feeling sorry for yourself. Knowing it, and what?? Slipping around and around in the muck of it and giving up..on the inside.

Is this just an addict thing? Shite!

I gave up smoking for a whole lot of reasons..one is so this damn surgery actually works. I also realize that once again I am out of a job/occupation. I have tried to deny this for years. I can't go back to waitressing, ever, or retail, or factory, or UPS. I have always had somewhat brutally physical jobs. There was good and bad things associated with each one. Now, hmmm...my body can't seem to take anything.

I feel useless.

Not that I am not needed. LOL.. I have dishes to do, laundry to wash, kids to ignore,(LOL) cooking, cleaning, shopping, the whole mom, wife, and pet-owner thing. Plus, I get guilt-trips too. I can spend so much, and not save anything at all and I am so not bringing any money in. Shazbot!

Whew! My hubby comes home Thursday, weird. My girlfriend is coming Monday, and the kids go back to school. My surgery is Wednesday.

Facebook has helped. I have friends I have talked to. My kids? Not so much, I am so frustrated today with them and the dog. I am...I am not even sure what the hell I am.

I have had another nap since writing all this. It does make a difference. I crave the smokes and don't. I want to get wasted, but don't. I have other addictions, fantasies that I am ignoring. I'd like to go eat a whole box of Dunkin Donuts, or hmm.. I really want to wallow and be crabby, this I do do a bit. LOL, sorry kids and hubby. Jack, the puppy doesn't take this personally. The kids?? It is still a 100 degrees outside, Max went to the mailbox for me and almost passed out. Renee has not been anywhere all day and refuses to do anything but sit in A/C and work on her computer art.

I am going to be okay. I know this isn't the way it is going to end for me. The only way it would is if I let my own stupidity get in the way of myself. Which is? Hello, Laura..mmhmm.. I am listening, Lord. I will knock this off and pay better attention to what is going on. My friend likes to say one day, one step at a time. For me today and for the last week, it has been a struggle of epic proportions that shouldn't have even made me blink. Hah! I have won this round so far.

For you, my readers..does any of this make sense to you? Not only that I am human, but so human and flawed at times? I think everyone has their struggles to stay sane and active and not let the darkness win. I may be the exception in that I write about it, and admit it. Or that it happens so often? *sigh. Thanks for listening as always. I need to remember that this is one of my strengths. It helps make me stronger to write it out. I feel better now than I have all day. I have coupons and groceries to get to..and more straws to buy.
Smoke-free and learning my "new" normal. Thanks.

don't forget to breathe..

"It is just another day..another day in paradise?" not quite. It isn't complete hell either. I just really am not excited about Sundays. Never ever liked them as a kid.  I worked most of them as an adult. Now, they just seem like a big, pointless nap day where stores close at weird hours and you have to watch what roads you take at what hours. You don't want to get stuck behind the "faithful" all leaving at the same time. When school starts for my kids, it is the night "BEFORE". Their stuff has to be ready for the next day.

I have quit smoking?  I HAVE QUIT SMOKING! It has been since last Tuesday. Yes, I did have a personal session with a hypnotherapist. This has not been a magical cure, more of an exercise of despair. Mornings are very hard, I can't seem to wake-up yet. Shazbot! I have different breathing techniques and I chew on a lot of straws. I also have a list of my top ten reasons to quit smoking. For anyone who knows me or has known me.. I have been at the minimum a 2 pack a day smoker since I was 13. My kids are very excited and helpful with this. You got to love them. They also have a visualization exercise they do with me. I suppose I will get over feeling so dizzy and tired. I hope soon.

I also hope to get the results of my blood work and pee test back this week. I want to just schedule the hernia surgery as soon as possible and get it over with. I am so tired of the back and forth. Hurry up and wait and all the lovely bills that have been arriving. Aaarrgh. If these last medical tests haven't shined some light on my "medical mystery Zebra status" I am done. I can't afford to invest any more money, time, or effort. It will be just time to deal with what is.

Abby update..I guess she is home and doing very well with her feeding tube. I have since heard she is a little over 2 months old and originally had less than a 25% chance of living when she was born. Go baby girl, my heart just smiles thinking of her.

Okay, I know I haven't written much, but I am exhausted. It has been a very rough week for me in more ways than one.
MY TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A NON-SMOKER:

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)
2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.
3. Breathe
4. Feel better
5. Smell better
6. Have control
7. Stay alive longer
8. Make me happy to succeed.
9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy
10. I said I would, somehow.

I did cheat this morning and had a drag from an e-cigarette. It isn't the end of the world but back to pretzels and straws. Good luck and TTYAL..got to go.

I'll get some energy soon and write some more..yawn! love ya!

Giving All my Secrets Away.

Good Morning! If I start writing this I probably won't get any of my chores started. Hmm..LOL. I am in a very good mood this morning. I am not going to question or analyze this. I am just enjoying it. I have great FB friends. I don't know about anyone else's experiences with this. My group of friends uplift me and make me smile or laugh, cry, ponder and say the darnedest things sometimes. No wonder I am hooked.

I am including a link, it is "How to Overcome Addictive Personality" by Lisa Fritscher on eHow.http://www.ehow.com/how_5692048_overcome-addictive-personality.html


If you don't read the link, you will have a harder time understanding what I am talking about. #1. I do see a therapist now. I tease him that he was the third. My first one was an on-line minister and licensed counselor. He helped me tremendously when my world and mind shattered. There are severe limitations to on-line counseling, however. He helped me find the courage, strength, and recommendations to go to a therapist in person. We remain friends now, he is an awesome guy. My 2nd therapist helped glue me back together, so I could be functional again. Before that I was sleeping at the most a couple of hours a day here and there. I was drinking coffee and soda by the bucket, smoking 4 packs a day. Really. "Tweaking and freaking" I have said that before..it was a bad time for me, my kids, and hubby.

My present therapist is more affordable as he is in my insurance plan, and I received 6 free visits through my husbands EAP.(Employee Assistance Plan). With the insurance he is only $13 a week. Whew! My other doc was around $50. I also relate better to my new guy, which is very important. You have to have the right fit or it isn't going to help you much. He speed-reads like I do. That was the first bonus, though I think I am faster. LOLOL. He was my daughter's therapist, so he understands some of those issues. He also helped her with her depression. She, at present, doesn't want to talk to him.  It is okay. I do need to find somebody who has a speciality with Asperger's and teens. This has been very frustrating, very few and far between.

A good therapist doesn't judge you or tell you how to live. They listen and point out your underlying issues with things. They help you form your own action plan based on what your dreams and goals are. Healthy alternatives, and facing the "demons" of past experiences with a trained guide. I cannot even begin to explain how much this has helped me. The hardest part, taking the first step and then continuing... It is work, and at times scary for me. By facing the fears, I get more mentally stable and healthier. "Which is fun for the whole family". LOL, if you know THAT movie reference you get a gold star.

 Why am I telling you all this? I knew I needed help throughout my life. I didn't know where to get it and was too scared at times to go look. So, I did the best I could with what I had available. I have had a lot of great friends in my life, who seemed to be there at just the right time. Other times I drew upon my hubby and kids. Before that...there has been the dark times that I had to get myself out of. This last episode..I needed major help. This has really all been a whirlwind for me. Cleaning out all the debris and building anew, using new material and old. "We can build it, stronger, faster,..LOL" Old TV show.

My family including Jack the puppy and FB is now my support group. Fb is also one of my main addictions..LOL. I am doing waay better, but have a long way to go. I also have a woman's group that just started. Yey! I do need something else. I have some ideas, but I have to get some of my physical mystery issues done first.. God is my back-up..always with me. He/she has me covered. I can't explain that.

Boredom is a real problem, I read, I write now, I would like to start drawing again. I am working on finding  fun activities with my kids. I try to swim daily and will start my bike-riding again when it cools down outside. Doing my house chores, aargh. Taking care of the kids and a dog...and even my hubby when he is home. Money is always a major dark cloud over my head. *sigh, I need a job/career/ alternative income. Praying and thinking...I am very good at spending money. *sigh, again.



 

"At what point did you cease to own it, and it began to own you?" posted by Bill Moser.

 Good question, and one I have to ask myself continually. There is good addictions, but I would like to learn how to resist the "hook". I have fought the line and broke free of so many things, but there are so many different tasty hooks out there. Now I am looking for the worms, bugs and sustenance I need without the attachments.

Have a great day, keep your head up and watch out for those hooks. If you are already there..you can win free. You aren't alone. The battle is yours, but take whatever help you can find and use it. Thanks for listening to me..TTYAL. Crap, my kitchen floor still isn't washed. LOL.