good night world..

Tonight, I can't really write for too long as I do need some sleep. I had a beautiful day today, one of those days where you want to treasure the moments and just bottle them up. I had a date with my husband..it was sweet and and so past overdue.

I got a really good nap that made me feel great, erased all those achy pains I had from the morning. My husband made dinner. Jack the puppy wasn't as nutty as usual. I got to Face book. My son actually made a small dent in his closet-cleaning mess. I figured out that someone who unfriended me hadn't done it on purpose. FB gets so messed up.

The best news was finding out that my girlfriend is coming for a visit and then the week-end after my brother is coming too. YES!

I still lost all of my pics and all of my notes from when my lap-top crashed. I have recovered everything else. It did teach me the importance of backing things up. If I had also been more patient..lol. No, still like to "fix" things. I have enough knowledge to be dangerous at times.

Every day is another step towards retaining my mental health and working on controlling my obsessions. I have described the depressions, and the urge for oblivion through whatever means. I also have to be careful of the "highs" where I feel I am invincible and can do no wrong. These are harder to describe, as this is what we tend to aim for. This is where my "god" fear comes in..it is easy to fall into that feeling of being swept up in glory. A massive holy ego-trip..lol. Yep, been there a few times...with witnesses and followers.

I do have plans and dreams, one step at a time..deciding which receives priority. Rebuilding myself this time with truth, hope and will. It does help to have guides or mentors this time. Slowly learning that I can only ask so much of them, that the process is up to me.

I am ending with a scripture that has been bugging me..King James version I John 4:

 ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
 
Learning how to love without fear?
 
The next level...
 
 ²⁰If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
 ²¹And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

We are all on the same big ball circling the same sun...Peace? Goodwill? Embracing our differences...in ourselves and in others..the thought makes me smile. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

To Beer, or not to Beer..

Sometimes I know or have some general idea of what I am going to write about. Tonight? No. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my brain that it is hard to latch on to just one.

Yesterday was such a great day, and then it nose-dived. I accepted a beer from a friend, knowing full well that I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time. I drink so rarely that yes, one beer does affect me a bit. It doesn't help that the prescription meds I am on aren't supposed to be mixed with alcohol. That part of it doesn't worry me that greatly. I've used and abused a lot of "mixes". I also watched my husband mix Vicodin and beer for years. I find it amusing in a sad way that he doesn't remember this or how hard it was for him to break that habit. The bad part is I am now buzzed and all the little stinging bee thoughts come circling around.

The choices come next, who, what, where, when and how. I am alone as usual, I talk to my God and it helps. I talk to a friend, and keep my control which helps a small bit more. I do not go over and ask for more dark beer..whew! I do not go over and flirt with married men who like to see me drunk and whose wives are not home. My own husband is asleep or passed out. I don't like my hubby's beer, blcch. I also know I do not want to mix beer with any of the alcohol I have in stock. So, I am staying home, I am not going to get drunk. I have children to wake up to take care of in the morning. I up one of my prescription meds..I am only on 1/2 dosages. I have "permission" from the doc for this..if I need to sleep he says take a whole pill. I eye up the whole bottle...no, Renee and Max. My kids and my former job taught me this small control for many years. I am an adult, I have a choice.

I wake up at 5 am with a small headache and later I take a picture of the dawn and post it on Face book. A new day, a new sunrise..

I haven't blogged for a few days as I was struggling with why I am writing this. My motives are selfish, this is my therapy and is way cheaper than my therapist... lol. Though I am going to start printing it for him. If someone else finds help or a new understanding from my words, awesome! That I have reader's excites me and humbles me at the same time.

My next level? I made it through another day, and another..there is good and bad things that happened in both. Sometimes, all that you can manage is one day. It is okay, I am not superwoman.  Sometimes it comes down to a yes or no and eliminating all the maybes. I hope and pray for the someday that this is not even a struggle or if it is a thought, I can laugh about it. I have been there before, I will find it again.TTYAL Thanks for reading.

Abel started it..

Today..whew! One of those days where 2 wrongs don't make a right. Things just get worse..I have 2 kids upstairs who were physically beating each other up. They lost 15 minutes of play time and are still not asleep. One is in smirk mode and the other is in major temper/sadness. *sigh. I do not like being a parent in this moment. My brother's used to fight constantly as kids and teens. I never understood it then I don't understand it now.

I have seen bar fights up close and personal. It isn't like in the movies, where all hell breaks loose and it is fun and exciting. Real life is blood, damage and pain. Another time I witnessed a beat down, one "teen?" came in and broke another "teens" jaw. It took him all of about 5 minutes. I was the manager on duty, and was beyond stunned and shocked. I worked with another guy who got into bar fights a lot. He was originally going to be a lawyer. I heard he is incarcerated instead..it is so sad.

I love the Jason Bourne movies, and watched all of Buffy the Vampire series. I also loved Anita Blake in Laurel K Hamiliton's books, until all she did was sleep around instead of kick-ass. I still care about the characters, but I don't but the books anymore. My favorite series now is The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, I love his other series as well, more like Lord of the Rings taken to a new level.

I watched Ali fight when I was a teen on TV...It was one of his later fights, can't remember against who and I watched the whole thing. He wasn't supposed to be able to last more than a couple rounds. It ended up being 19 and he won...he was beyond incredible. I have never watched boxing again. To see Ali so broken later in life.. is heart-wrenching.

We are a violent race....and I include woman too. Woman fight mean. But, not everyone and certainly not all at the same degree.

Tomorrow we are celebrating a moment of peace...at 12 AZ time I think..not sure. I'm happy to participate. Though I will be running on a treadmill with radioactive dye in my veins. Most likely wanting to kill someone for a smoke and a cup of joe. People have died for less reason. This is my next level tomorrow, I can do this every Fri afternoon at 12, just to take it up a notch.

I can watch "fictional violence" on TV, or in movies or read about it. Watching the real thing scares the hell out of me. I have a side of me that cringes and another part that wants to go for the throat. I am not sure which part is worse.

Tonight I pray for my friends, all the ones who have loved ones who are ill or who are ill themselves. Addiction is included in that, as it is a disease. Whatever the poison, drugs, alcohol, sex, violence..may you all find peace...sooner.

It's a Ride..

Today,... no tonight, is a rough one. I am on my addiction roller coaster and am stuck until it comes back to re-load. I hope and pray that I get through this shite tonight and don't get back on for another trip. I am rational enough to know it is all in my head, and body. I feel it, some minor pains..mostly it is this annoying buzz around myself. I want to escape.

I am going to go clean up my kitchen now, and then we shall see were we are at..OMG..LOL. Hell, forgot I had chocolate, that helps. I am menopausal, or having PMS. I already took the dog for a walk. I didn't up my caffeine or sugar level either..well, with the chocolate I just did. Chocolate has natural endorphins that calm and soothe.

I did get a few things done today, barely. I can't explain clearly all that goes through my mind when I am on this roller coaster. You have fear underneath it all, a sick terror of all the "things" you could do, then there is a sick queasy reminder of all the "things" you have done. My mind races, so fast from thought to thought, up up up and down down down with emotions...all of them. I call it the good, the bad and the ugly..

Am I out of control? No, at this point I have no control really. For  some  things  I do . I have avoidance and painful memories..I don't have any drug connections. No dealers, no party friends..except a few who drink. I have booze in the house..despise alcohol...and being drunk. Plus, I can't mix booze with the legal scrips I'm on. LOL, well I can, but probably not a good idea. This is where the ugly thoughts come..I could swallow another anti-dep..or worst case, chop it up and snort it.(*sigh)

When I was breaking myself of cocaine, I used to pretend I was snorting it. would even use some water and then let my imagination take over. I was flying...sometimes I would add some nasal spray..the real stuff not saline..would give me that burn. I did this when I was craving it and needed energy. I did other stuff too, probably not all that smart, maybe where my migraines came in. My sinuses are very messed up from years of abuse.

I would love to be high..marijuana. One of my favs, I stopped smoking, very few people knew I did, The cravings would get intense sometimes.Last time was right before we left WI. It had been well over a year before that. it was ok.. It has been two years now, since. I still have a handmade pipe upstairs..memento. The worse ever was smoking a joint smoked in formaldehyde..memories. I was so effed up , blacking out and finding myself somewhere else and then so gut-retching sick.

Talking about this helps, calms things down. i am getting tired too, which really helps. I talk to my 'God" too, always..he is pretty calming too, makes me feel less like an idiot. Because you do feel stupid and embarrassed, ashamed. i can put that off to the side, for now..not a useful thought i need right now.

My cigarettes aren't helping much and I am smoking way less. The Chantix is blocking the effects. I am not even panicking that I only have less than a full pack. this would have caused major panic even weeks ago and required a trip to the store. I'm good. It's amazing.

Sex, no don't even want to go there or even talk or think about it. nope, use your own damn imaginations.
Though just to be a bit evil..I can have multiple orgasms just by thinking about them...no cheating, by touching or even talking to someone else. When I went insane, my body went into convulsions with this, wasn't pleasant, no quite the opposite trip. My hubby was the one who held me while I cried, until I gained control. I love you dear, so much.

People say this isn't a disease..lol. O-ka-y, hope you don't catch it.

I use a new technique my therapist taught me..you find a happy secure place in your mind, then find a spot to focus on..eyes open or shut..and then you wrap yourself in a bubble that protects you from the outside and from your own inside too. My "God" aids with this too. Whew! the ride is over till the next boarding...

The next level? I am trying to learn how not to board the next train..for others you need help, ask, look, don't give up. The disease is NOT your fault..how you deal with it is the next step.

Am going to crash now, tired as hell. TMI? I am asking for реплиеш, comments..they are kept private now. Thanks for reading, ttyal.

Around and Around We Go

"the only constant in life is change, but life is a circle..." me w/others

Today was better than yesterday for me. Now, I am a bit sad. The first posts today on Face book were about a death of a loved one, another later was about a friend fighting cancer. Tonight, a very dear friend asked for prayers for his Mom going to the ER. It seems strange that these posts were mixed in with Oscar watching critiques and jokes. You can add conspiracy theories, sports, competition updates, weather status complaints, songs, 2 blog postings..and 2 birthdays. There was much more..hard to explain it all.

People are born and people die, it is the natural order of things. We celebrate life and birthdays, one more circle around the sun. I just wish...

I wish I could take away people's pain, worry, and despair. Happy, happy people but, ugh! Whew, that would get to be too much. Putting everyone back into Eden, or forward to heaven. I have faced my own death many times. I want to live and am scared to live, but my own passing doesn't worry me. The thought of my kids, husband, friends, family and even the puppy missing me is soothing. Their pain and suffering, no..don't cry, don't grieve. I am okay.

Their possible deaths..no. Whenever, however..can't even think about it.

I believe everybody ends up in their own version of heaven and hell. If you are Hindu, you are on the wheel of re-birth or enlightenment. Mormons have 3 heavens each better than the next, Catholics have purgatory and judgement..or for others maybe a flash of light and nothing, or a soul flitting through the cosmos...

I do think everyone has to face the moment of truth, when you look back at your life and see it through the eyes of a "God".  Every action you did take and feel how that affected everyone around you..through their eyes and emotions. Not good for a murderer, not so unpleasant for a saint. You also get to see all the different outcomes. The what ifs and the did nots..

LOL, since this is my beliefs, maybe it is only MY destiny.

The next level is to work on your next level now..every day. Open your eyes, ears, and take advantage of what you have...amaze yourself.


Have a great day and shine on..TTYAL..You don't want to come back as a cricket. :-)

" How far that little candle throws its beams. So shines a good deed in a needy world." Shakespeare

WTH? ..OHhh..

I figured out today I was angry. No, not at the whole world just bits of it. Angry that I fell way short of my personal goals today. I face-booked almost all day..it isn't a waste like playing solitaire all day/night. That was so last year..lol.

I am trying to put a positive spin on it, and then work on improving it tomorrow. This is what I do. I can't let myself wallow, or obsess, or whip myself. It is a wrong turn that doesn't end anywhere I want to be, because I've been there before. "Familiarity can bring comfort, or breed contempt." We have all backed ourselves into a hole before, or painted ourselves into a corner. that's just life. Staying in the corner or falling down the hole, over and over again. WTH! Ohh..duh.

I told a friend that being an alcoholic would be easier..I was wrong. Being an addict of any kind trying to recover isn't remotely easy. It is ok sometimes, then thoughts sneak in, and other thoughts and pretty soon you have a plan of action. Which has convinced you, however flimsy the reasoning that you need/have to go back to your "candy". With mind-altering chemicals, the excuses get sadder and sadder...it doesn't take a whole lot to believe your truth. At the risk of everything, life-and-health, self-respect, love, morals(?)..you get your fix, somehow. WTH! Ohh.."eff'''this is sad.

I am not a normal addict, or maybe that isn't right. I am an addict, I denied it..ran away from it. then proved to myself and whoever that I wasn't one. I was devoted to my husband..became addicted to work, friends/family and then kids...with other minor obsessions or passions. I found "God" my version, one that I didn't talk about. I find it deeply personal as my God is part of me. I have had so many now from FB question how I believe and what I believe, even my therapist. WTH! Um..no.

Maybe they are right and my psyche is so damaged that I can't have the faith they do, or as was also suggested that I need to find a better "God" or that my "God" wasn't true or maybe even the devil?? WTH..my god, your god, they are all the same god and how you worship him is your business. If it makes you a better person, than I respect your beliefs. If you are an atheist and a great human being, I respect your beliefs too, Hindu, Buddhist, Baptist..etc. I also know we are human and make mistakes..all of us. LOL..yep!

The next level? Give everyone not your preachings, but your example..how you live, love and make mistakes...and/or succeed. I am working on mine. It wasn't a great day, but it is now done. Tomorrow I will do better.

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

~Buddha

Have a great day..or night..TTYAL..

But...

I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days. Talked with my therapist today, which made me very shaky at first, but then made things better. I reached a better understanding with one friend and am trying to make amends with another. The rule with that is "first do no harm"..to me or my friend. *sigh. I feel a bit hypocritical as I have ended up blocking everyone on Face Book who is overly political...or posts too much. I post too much...and politics gives me a headache.

The next part is difficult, being who I am has given me a dangerous attitude throughout life. I almost always feel like I should be an exception to the rule(s). I often am..but..

Yeah, that doesn't always fly.  It only worked partially for school. High school senior year I managed to ditch 90% or more of and still graduated. I got slapped on the wrist, flunked gym which was based on attendance...so had to make up a Tennis class at the Junior college. I cheated on every drawing in drafting class by copying somebody else's and handing it in late. I was so clueless in that class. Thanks forever, Bob! I passed all my other classes with a B or better. I wasn't allowed to go to graduation, and I got my one and only detention my last week of school. I was furious at the time..it was so unfair.

It didn't work for college at all. I have been to 4 schools, DeVry was the longest, and I still don't have any kind of degree whatsoever. I also owe a small fortune on student loans. But..

Here I have to laugh and point out... If I hadn't spent so much time flirting in the smoker's lounge.. I wouldn't have met my future husband. LOLOL..my DeVry "friends" at the time all despised him..I don't even remember most of their names now. With my party friends it was harder. When I broke up with him they forgave me for spending so much time with him. I really had missed them too. When me and Mark did get back together and moved to WI. I missed them so much, it broke my heart. But, I couldn't live the life anymore.

Retail work sucks..you are either ignored, harassed, or both..and that is from your bosses. Customer's..LOLOL.(yep, you are always right) You don't get paid very much either...and a discount just makes you spend more where you work at...and the benefits are total crap. There is no but here..that is what it is. Even though they keep raising minimum wage, you don't make enough to barely buy groceries, let alone pay rent, or anything else. Heaven forbid you have medical expenses..which I did.

But..

Yeah, I started having problems with my hands when I was a kid. Got worse when I was in high school, and severe when I worked in a factory. They swelled, they hurt, they went numb with pins-and-needles. DeVry and UPS took the final toll. I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel and ended up with surgery on my right hand when I was 24 or 25..my hands and feet (tarsal tunnel) *sigh, there is no cure.

My digestive system has had problems since I don't know when gas, bloating , constipation, diarrhea, pain. I would get severe attacks  occasionally in my right lower quadrant and start throwing up. I had my first colonoscopy when I was 19. The diagnosis was non-ulcerative colitis. This is now called IBS..irritable bowel syndrome..in my dad's time it was called spastic colon. There is no cure as they don't know what causes it. Some things make it worse, fried foods, caffeine, nicotine, stress. Most doctor's believe it is all psychological. I think they are 1/2 right.

I went back to waitressing for 3 years then went into management. By this time I ate very healthy, rarely drank, no dairy, and I had gone off birth control.

Renee's birth almost killed me and has given me nightmares that will last forever. I had toxemia..and then was given an accidental massive overdose of magnesium.

Max, I ended up with gestational diabetes...was on insulin and a severe diet.

The stomach pain got worse after that, ended up in the hospital twice. It was almost always on the weekend..I had lost almost 80 lbs in 4 years as I couldn't eat without fear.

I found my "God" flat on my back when the pain was so unbearable and there was nothing I could do but get through it. I would pray and cry and throw-up and finally I would feel this excruciating glitch inside and I would know I'd made it again...till the next time.

I started throwing up having another attack and I couldn't stop..went to my regular docs and they found the hernia. Hernia's are common, the location of mine is not. It is called a spigelian. I had emergency surgery/appendectomy..it failed within the first month. I had my 2nd surgery 8 months later..it also has failed. My attacks are less now, I haven't waitressed in 2 years. The hernia that plays graboid with my intestines, could have killed me any time. According to the doctors, once it incarcerates, the only solution is surgery otherwise gangrene sets in, which is fatal in less than 8 hours. I lost count on how many times..20 years worth.

But,

Most girls with my addiction end up as hookers, or married/single with multiple unhappy affairs. I didn't have too much desire being sick as I was for so long..God's plan? It saved me, but I still think he is a bit of a jerk. LOL

The next level? I found my own answer with my God, and he has put me on a path. I still resist this. LOL Everyone needs to find their own answers. My God is your god however you believe or don't..whatever higher power you are looking for..it is there and always has been.

But,

I have found I can be the exception to the rules, but only if I do the work first. There is no magic cure..doctors, parents, teachers, ministers, therapists,etc. are all people first. My hero's? The people who inspire me are all my friends who keep at it every day playing, winning the game of life. No but's.

Thanks for listening..TTYAL..have a wondrous day.