What's For Dinner?

It is past the time I should be planning something for dinner. I don't care today..LOL. I will try to keep this light and cheery, but probably won't happen. Hopefully I will end up on a positive note.

I am angry today, pissed off, ticked, furious..emotions just raging to the roof and beyond. I am somewhat sick, have been running a fever on and off..slept through most of my morning. Everything is irritating me. My kids are sick also, and have been home all day. They slept most of the morning and woke up for lunch. Which ended up me making PB&J ...and ham for me..which, of course, my daughter had to have part of my  sandwich. I have to remind them to clean up their plates. Sigh, Mommy mode..listening to them practise bells, an electric piano and a percussion drum..oh hell no! done.

Making appointments, Renee's new counselor..of course she will have to miss school..great. Talking to the assistant's machine, yes the doc gave me a referral for a heart doc..and I lost the paper..call me?
Oops, wrong number..click., on-line rebate has expired while my printer took a dump..50 dollars out now..ouch! Talking to the pharmacy's machine, oops got 1 re-fill, have to go through the whole menu for another one.(*sigh) Insurance on line plan..oh hell I give up reading this crap..call me and tell me what form and how much it covers..therapy may be over sooner than next week. I hate talking on the phone, unless it is with a friend about something that actually matters. I only talked to one real person through that whole process.

This is my life...and today it sucks. The anger? I am mad that my kids are sick, mad that I am too..mad that I have friends who have small sicknesses like me and the kids today. I am even madder and sadder that some of them have cancer, or diabetes, or are facing death or other diseases/injuries. I am so mad that they have to endure pain/suffering, medical mysteries personally or for their loved ones. The best I can do is pray for them and send kind words. It just sure doesn't seem adequate.

Anger that I am stuck here, in a house that never want to clean itself and grows weeds in its rocks. That plants here die without a crazy watering system...that costs money and is easy to screw up. The weeds have it figured out...they thrive. I am so angry that I have no place to go, and no one to talk to in person. I have burdened enough of my fb friends with my issues, they have real lives and more normality. I am so not normal, never have been, never will be. I am a weed...a prickly, thorny Arizona one now...that will ooze sap if you try to pull it and make you bleed if you don't have gloves and will re-grow after you do anyway. Hah!

I want to run away(where?) or get messed up(with what?) been there, done that..knowing the next morning always comes. I am fed up with letting my obsessions rule me..no contact..my choice, not as some strange threat from someone who wants the whole world as a friend. But, who doesn't really have any idea how to be one. Am I crazy? Oh hell yeah, way off the deep end sometimes. But, it is now my choice to choose and the answer is not only no, but hell no, never. Get the freak out of my head..and my life..all you brought me was pain and shame. Truth may set you free... but hell the ride costs. I HAVE PAID THOSE DUES AND WILL CONTINUE TO PAY THEM.. Stay sober, my non-friend and watch out for the crazies..they might get you. Wishing you all the best for your continued success, lol. But, hmm...so not my business or problem, never was and never will be again. eff that! Your loss...not mine.

What? Sorry about the above, I had to let some of it out. I 'spark' on some people, and they end up being super special, the friends that i was always meant to find and have. Every 10 years or so, I fixate on someone..obsess..stalk..it is awful for me and them...or wondrous...for us both. The hard part is feeling so out of control ..I scare people. I scare myself sometimes, too. Lately it has been way too often. To my other friend who helped me, I am sorry I wasn't what you thought I was. No more respect? Yeah, I noticed that and passing the buck. That's why I have to rely on my own respect.  Everybody else's just doesn't last...or isn't strong enough. Nobody can "save" me but me..but thanks for listening and caring.

I am still so angry, angry that I hoped for more than what any of this turned out to be.  I am so mad at myself for letting my emotions, good and bad, override my common sense and erode away so much of my stability. Angry, for the moment at the past, present and future, not for just pain and despair..but for the promise of hope, love and peace. That hurts more when you realize your dreams are just dreams, and the next step?

The next level is letting go of the past, bit by bit. It is also holding on to your dreams of the future, but not letting yourself drift away with it. It is dealing with the present now. The anger focuses me and gives me energy. I got a lot done once I stopped fighting it. Maybe this is the 'wrong' way to deal, but it is kind of  the only solution I have.

"Highly emotive empath?" I feel people's emotions plus my own. We all do..mother's with children, actor's with an audience, a server with a customer, a salesman with a client..etc. I can also project my emotions back to people. Again, we all do..when we boo at a stadium or clap for a rousing speech, or even say thank you and mean it. This ability is highly tuned for me, as an addict, as a child-abuse survivor, as a server, as a mom and wife, as a reader...or writer. I hallucinated and almost passed out at the first concert I ever went to..overload. I make people uncomfortable with too much feedback sometimes, so I try to spread it around to a larger audience.

Being a recovering addict is way more than just not using if you want to be something better. My dad is a dry alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 50? some years..God and fanaticism replaced his booze. His God is also a complete a-hole. I consider my own "God" somewhat of a jerk at times. I feel everybody has to find their own answers to that question, and live with it in their own way.

My message from God  from FB today:

"that everyone mistakes the limits of their vision for the limits of the world. Have compassion for others when they cannot see what is obvious to you. Have compassion for yourself when you realize that you can see only a small part of God's vision for the world."

Anger is just so easy, compassion and forgiveness..(*sigh)

So for dinner, Max ended up making his ravioli's almost all by himself and I heated up Campbell's bean and bacon soup for Renee and me..a bit of soup and a salad. Ok, if any of my ex- Denny's friends read this part they will laugh. My salad, some sad ice burg lettuce, carrots, celery, green onion, feta cheese, black beans, Hunt's tomato sauce (spiced Mexican style with jalapeno, chili pepper,lime juice and cumin) and nacho cheese Doritos. It was actually kind of good, really. LOLOL

Thanks for listening and letting me vent, my therapy. Try to forgive yourself today for something, use the anger, don't let it use you. TTYAL

A Day in the Life of a ....

Today has been a day in frustration...so not good. I woke up too early, with a headache and a crazy jumpy puppy. Instead of cleaning up the small kitchen mess from last night, went to Face Book. I am an addict..and I am starting to hate it. The fact that I am addicted irks me. I have to say I don't hate any of my friends. Quite the opposite, I really love/like the ones I know. Too much? No, I don't think so..but then I am not always sane either. Shazbot!

Got my son off to school, showered, grumpy but with a better than his usual breakfast. He doesn't want to go to school much anymore, especially on Mondays. My daughter who was sick yesterday, finally got showered and dressed, and took her temperature..back to sub-normal. She looked okay, complained about not wanting to go and disappeared. She never ever wants to go to school, ever. I warned her she needed to leave to catch the bus, and we got into a fight. She hates school and is doing very poorly at it. She claimed she was still sick, which I disagreed with. When I insisted she had to go, she left..slamming door mad.

I was supposed to be making doctor appointments and checking insurance payments. Did get the dentist snafu straightened out and then couldn't find any of the papers I needed. Panic mode..still no after tearing up the whole house, so what do I do?

I face-booked, but of course! (see addict) I have said before that it is impossible to explain FB to someone who doesn't do it. I resolved a major ongoing issue I  have had with the help of a great friend.  I e-mailed some of my goals and frustrations to another friend, said Happy B-day, played music, got some inspiration, and art, plus an economic update..checked in with some other friends to see how they are doing, more stuff and then..got a call from the school. My daughter hadn't shown up for school..really? (*sigh)

I had a slight panic knowing she wasn't home, but knew..she was still at the bus stop. A doorbell ring later and a really nice guy has my daughter at the door. Oh! Renee..she had missed the bus again and was very unsure as to what she should do..for 3 hours. We hugged and I sent her to bed, her fever was back again and then called the school. A child with Asperger's doesn't always think straight, and it scares me. Not even so much that she waited so long at the bus stop, but that it was "okay" to get in a strange man's car..the bus stop is only around the corner. We will have a talk about it tomorrow. Of course, my son is furious that she got to stay home. The joys of raising kids!

 Being a parent? I was never given the rulebook, or manual, they didn't come with directions. My own childhood experiences? Um. no. hell no. It has been the hardest and best thing I have ever done, being a mom. I screw it up pretty much daily..and also redeem myself too, sometimes. My son played his bells, for me, he is really doing well since switching to percussion. Renee played her original song for me at one point, it is so hauntingly beautiful..she keeps adding stuff. My crazy daughter plays by ear and has had her electric piano for 2 months..I am so going to tape her soon. She hasn't given me permission yet. She works on this daily, and was frustrated that she doesn't have a new song yet.

The next level? That I took a gigantic step today, by blocking an obsession that has been plaguing me. What a release of so much pressure, knowing in my heart that it is the right thing to do. Loving my daughter, son, husband and crazy puppy. I chased him around tonight for about 20 minutes. It is hysterical. The puppy, not the husband...lolol. He is still working in another state for 2 more days.

Time tomorrow for some of the things I didn't get done today..timers for FB again..it is an outer control for when you don't have internal control..sort of like an alcoholic pouring out his booze. I will gain control..have before, and can do it again. It takes work and persistence and love and laughter of what is important to me. Thanks for listening..TTYAL

Go Team! Whichever One Wins?

The Packer's won the Super Bowl, I suppose I should be excited, I kind of am, but not really. I am happy for all my friends who are Packer fans..especially my son. He's 11 and was born and raised in WI...he was worried at one point in the game. His comment, "Mom, I won't be able to go to school tomorrow if the Packer's lose." I found that amusing. He has also told me that he won't go to school if the the outside temp drops below 40 degrees. They cancel outside recess if it does. This I also find amusing and exasperating as he went to school and recess with sub-zero temps in WI. I pointed out that maybe people here in AZ aren't dressed for it. He retorted that his sister walks outdoors between classes, she is in Middle school. Hmm..valid point. He still has to go to school, recess is his favorite part.

I love my kids, can't even describe how much, but don't always like them. My daughter has a lot of issues, she has Asperger's, teen attitude, hormones, acne, depression..the list goes on-and-on. Plus, as she points out quite a bit, I am her mother. LOLOL, very valid point. With my husband gone so much, the parenting falls on me. I resent this quite a bit. I don't use physical punishment, any more..that is a story for another day.

 As a child I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually..and it always was that way, until I left at age 19 for the last time..I have not returned to the house I lived in since. My parents are both still alive, I talk to them as rarely as possible. I have seen them numerous times since then, and my Dad even walked me down the aisle for my wedding. I find them appalling for the most part, even though I do love/hate them. They are 2 very messed up people, with pasts that are scarier than mine. I talk to my therapist about this stuff..finally. Avoidance can only be used so much.

I always point out here that I was never sexually abused. I have met and am friends with people who were. I always hold them in the highest respect. That they can survive that and still function and live and love, so can I. The only sexual abuse in my life is what I did to myself...learning to forgive myself and move on is a harder task.

Yowza, this is getting grim, my apologies...sorry.

This blog is part of my therapy, I share and let it out. That I am doing it publicly? I have written journals on and off all my life..it just ended up making me feel I was talking to myself. If anyone finds help or inspiration from my stories? That would be incredibly fulfilling for me..wow! TMI for anyone else? Nobody is forcing you to read this..so whatever. I also have things I will share and not, either because I am not ready, it involves other's or it isn't anybody's business except mine.

Where did I start? Oh, yeah.. GO PACK! I cheered the Packers on to victory in their last Super Bowl win, and no I don't know what year it was. They had almost won it the year before. I wore the shirts and was a fan, and was very excited, even though I know crap all about football. I did the same thing for the Bears when they won the Super Bowl too..in my 20's. It was incredible and fun and then, done. I love the emotion of true fans, even though I don't understand what they are talking about more than 1/2 the time. I nod a lot..lolol.

I am a highly-sensitive emotive empath. A WHAT?? LOLOL..I'll explain that tomorrow, maybe, or the next day. I am going to bed now...getting too tired to see straight.

The next level, whew! You never know what is going on in someone else's life, you can guess or assume but unless you lived in their shoes...their lives, their pain, their joys..you don't know shit. So why are you judging them or feeling superior..or giving them pity? Which is a way worse sin to me. Everybody is a human being, treat them like one. Not how you want to be treated, but how they need or want to be treated. The "Golden Rule" upped a bit to the next level. Yeesh, I am tired and crabby..sleep!

Thanks for listening..ttyal. :-)!

Balance is more than just not falling over

I guess I am writing every day. I have too much on my mind to post on FB..that is face book...for anyone who doesn't know me. LOL I had somebody ask me once to list all my addictions, past and present. Besides the ususals(drugs, sex, alchol) I still ended up with at least 10 e-mails, with multiple lists...yeah. I am an addict.

We are all addicts or at least born that way. WHAT? You disagree..you may be right but just hang on for a while. We are born as humans, completely helpless..we need food/water, shelter/clothing, and human care/love. The first two pairs are obvious, the last ? It has been proven over and over again that human touch is a need, not just a want. Babies need to be cuddled.

There are a few exceptions to this, autistic babies have the need, it is just too overwhelming for them. My daughter has Asperger's, so I do know a bit about that. She had severe colic and allergies for 6 months, plus she started teething at 3 months. She also had multiple ear infections, and was given amoxicillin, a lot. She reacted to everything, ibuprofen, tylenol, amoxicillin, ora-gel. One very unhappy baby and new parents that went a bit cuckoo. She did not want to be held, though she loved attention, but the only real relief was an electric bouncing chair, a swing, white noise, car rides at times, and benadryl, plus trial and error finding a formula she wasn't allergic too. Finding out at age 5 that she was allergic to the dye they put in the meds and not the meds themselves. Priceless.

So we all start out as addicts, and we find other things we like, not just need but like/love. Candy/sweets, toys, games, etc..and we stop at nothing to get what we desire..terrible 2's LOL. It is me..me..me ...I want...want...want. By 3-5 we have learned how to manipulate, bargain, and lie. We also hopefully start learning that there are other people in this world, sharing, love, consequences. Finally, we get that we can't always get what we want when we want it. There are people who know a hell of a lot more about this than I do.

Nicotine actually rewires your brain pathways, forever. I think for certain people, other chemicals do  the same thing for them..this is why  recovered alcoholics can't drink, or etc. for all those other "pleasure" drugs. They say marijuana isn't addictive, LOLOL for certain people it damn sure is..ask any pothead. I was one, still miss it. Alchol gets me drunk, I have no tolerance for it now. But I never know how I am going to react to it. I can get violently physically ill from a few sips or a whole bottle, blinding headaches, nausea, vomiting... or just get buzzed. In my 30's it started if I way indulged...OMG my hangovers started lasting 3 to 7 days, that's not just feeling bad, with extreme prejudice I used to call it. I finally gave up! I drink maybe once or twice a year at most, now and it has to taste good. I only have 1 or maybe 2 glasses..of whatever...and no desire to push it.

 I drank alcohol in my later 20's every day, and got high too if I could. The more wasted the better, I actually craved the taste of beer, or rum, or tequila knowing that at some point while I was drinking I would go throw up.. go eat something..and drink more. I never turned down getting high or a free drink..that was what I wanted. I was wasted every day on something for about 5 years...never got a DUI, or arrested, or any STD's. I had a lot of crazy fun, and met friends that I still love with my whole heart always. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's and went to school full-time at DeVry..where I met my present husband...near the end of this...when life became such a hell that I couldn't escape from it no matter how much I "used".

Now, I am fighting some of those cravings and addictions full-force, again... on-and-off and the emotional high/ lows..the meds I am on help. The people I talk to, my husband, number 1 and other friends... plus my kids, and now just 1 paid therapist. Every day is a challenge to keep my balance and recover it when I do fall over..which I do. Every day I seem to get back more of myself.  Yey, "we can make it better, stronger, faster.." OMG-LOL.

The next level, I am not to sure about..caffeine, nicotine, facebook..my present addictions plus a few others..chocolate! Living in reality, dealing with laundry, groceries, housework, cooking, a puppy, kids and being alone with very little money to play with...and nowhere to go. I need a job! Anyone hiring? LOLOL..have a great day and thanks for listening.

Wet Mud

"You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

 This was a post from a new friend from my Face book..so sweet! We are all more..it isn't a+b= x-y   not for life. The equation, which I am sure there is one.. is so complex and out of  our range of scope ...and is constantly changing and evolving. That's why I love the music, music is mathematical, but also very very human and filled with the sound of the world we live in. Even hearing-impaired people can feel it...especially a live performance.

I worked at the Rosemont for a little while, not that much fun really, our beer stand had a bad location under the stairs. I had to laugh at all the people though, the fact that a Sinatra concert had the majority of the crowd take the elevator...for 1 floor and everyone wanted wine, instead of beer. That a Queensryche concert gave us a 1 beer minimum..it was ususally 4(?)..and a personal cop checking IDs. They went up the stairs 2 at a time or more..lol or down the banister and into the wall. That a concert, didn't know the group.. for Mexican-Americans brought more people with familia dressed in the craziest clothes I have ever seen and the best tip money ever..with the nicest manners and biggest enthusiasm. The band rocked..!

You remake yourself piece by piece every day, sometimes large..I am NOT going to jump off this bridge, sometimes small..I am going to build a leggo bridge with my toddler..so he can knock it over again and again. He laughs every single time, and in a few more years he won't remember..but he will know your laugh. A small bit of music he has heard and associates with fun, excitement and love.

 Problems, mistakes, choices...we all screw up. Sometimes we don't get caught and get away with it, sometimes our best deeds are unintentional. I smiled at the little old lady not because she was sweet, which she was... but because I had just found 20 bucks..mine, mine, mine. That maybe was the only smile she had gotten for weeks, and cheered her for days..who knows?

I re-made myself..from where I started..and re-made myself again...and again..and again..not changing the whole me, but trying to find a me I could look at and accept, respect, like. I did okay, far from perfect, but okay..now I am finding ways to integrate all those past selves into one whole person without the fear, or embarrassment, or stigma's. LOL, and still keep a sense of humor about the journey and the process..

The next level? I am not giving too many details yet, there are other people I still protect. But as a whole or for me, it doesn't take much effort to smile on purpose, to stop looking at your watch, to look at a sunset, to forgive the old lady at Wal-greens who can't scan 2 items without getting confused..to eat a healthy salad, go for a walk, to turn off the TV, X-box, Wii, etc and give your kids a hug..they will not reciprocate. lol, yet. Paying it forward and sideways..never knowing where it might lead. You are more than.. aren't we all?

the next day after the next..

I am really quite tired and not even feeling that great. I should just go to bed, but knowing I won't stay asleep for very long is frustrating. Walking upsatirs to a queen-sized bed by myself always intensifies my loneliness. Today while not good or even great was better than yesterday, yesterday was bad.

Loneliness and depression are always companions. Somebody said the other day that they could never understand the depths of despair deep enough to want to kill themselves. I have faced that despair every single day of my life since I can remember. It, for the most part now, is usually a quick flash/ idea.. a joke to myself that I don't share. I can find it amusing, most would be horrified.

I wrote that last night and got about 5 hours of sleep, today I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. Kids off to school, washed, and fed..LOL. Puppy fed, watered, drugged....you have NO IDEA..he takes care of his own business. I just love the doggy door. Showered, dressed..though could have shaved the legs, if I hadn't left the razor outside the shower. Made lunch, brought in garbage cans, cleaned dishes, put away stuff, laundry. Talked to the hubby on the phone..:-) Face booked, but of course!

Nap time..the kids have early dissmissal every Wed. Hate it..also hate that the friend that blocked me is now out of my life for good. It still makes me exteremly sad/depressed, but resigned. It was all an obsession on my part. Trying to force a connection that he never wanted any part of. Was it because he was so against it that I became so crazy? Don't know, don't get it at all, and this is my mind and my actions we are talking about. I guess that is at least one reason I need a therapist. Now that the glue is starting to stick again and I feel more like myself..whew! I am the sanest crazy person I know..or LOLOL vice-versa.

Will talk again soon, not even sure why I am writing this for or to who..but thanks for listening whoever you are. Bye for now.

Be Wise - wikiHow

Be Wise - wikiHow somehow just not 'techno' enough to get this link to work (*sigh)..awesome article..