Mirror, mirror..

Why do I blog? I am being very regular at it again. Is this another obsession? Could be. I hate thinking that, but really there is positive addictions in my life also. I am addicted to breathing. LOL I can't seem to help that one. The bonus is I am breathing better now than I have in years and years. I still get weird achy chest pains, but less and less. I can take a full breath now without wheezing, coughing or feeling like I am choking. I am still smoke-free. It still can be a struggle.

This is not the blog where I talk about smoking, another day, another time. I am sure I will get back to it. One of the reasons I gave up pot, finally..I couldn't inhale without coughing uncontrollably. It was beyond embarrassing. The last time I smoked it was a mistake, and I knew it at the time. I was uncomfortable, the people I was with were edgy. It really was a negative experience. I did enjoy the buzz that night..I mixed it with booze too. The next day I was so hung it was beyond belief. ugh.

You would think I would learn. LOL I avoid it, now. I still miss it and it has been years. It was years before that the last time. I hate alcohol. I have talked about that before. I can still be dumb enough to drink it, the bonus now is I can stop. There is always a place inside of me that wants to be numb, spaced out, high or gone. I have met many people over the years..addicts of all stripes and flavors. Some in recovery programs, some not. Some people were functional, it worked for them. Others, no, not even close. Other people did like I did. For whatever reason they stopped using or found something else to replace it with. I saw a lot of religious types, do-gooders, crafters, dare-devils, parents..LOL. etc. Anything can become an addiction.

I admit I am lonely and alone. I can prefer time to myself. In other moments I 'd rather be with folks, having fun, listening, being a friend, acquaintance, co-worker, whichever. Balance? I have been so out of kilter. I spend way way too much time alone. It gets me into trouble. My husband uses beer to self-medicate his loneliness. I keep switching back and forth between one thing and another and another. Whew! So not good.

I knew a lot of this without knowing. I knew without a doubt that I had depression and major depression at that. That is something I have struggled with on and off with all my life and still will be after this blog. I don't want to go back and unlearn anything. I just. I don't know. Self-knowledge can really suck. LOL, really. Holding up the mirror and asking, "what do you see?"

Therapy, I wish it was faster and fool-proof and not as scary as it can be at times. Am I am still wishing for the magic wand or magic person to save me? Crap.

It has been hard hard work to get back to where I am at now. I never got to escape, I never got to run away. It is still circling around inside me. I take it with me where ever I go. The problem is facing it, knowing it and not letting it win or control me. Nope.

Life isn't fair, never has been.. never will be.

I am done whining about my angst today. Another day, another time I can feel sorry for myself. I am looking in the mirror. It is so far from perfect. lol. The fairest? In the fable, it meant beauty. I think everyone has inner and outer beauty. We do "judge" people by appearance. We do. Think of all the people you come into contact with every day. Some days maybe you don't see a soul all day..depending on where you live, work, play. For the most part, I can say you are going to see people. If you had a deep one-on-one meaningful relationship(not sexual) with everyone you met for one day, hmm..how would that make you feel?

 Now what if that happened to all the people you met all week, month, year? You would lose your mind.

It was from the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell or "The Tipping Point" not sure which one. He brings up the fact that to protect ourselves we don't look too closely at strangers. That our mind makes an instant judgement and then moves on. He explained it much better than I can. This is one reason why eye-witness accounts are so messed up. Everybody sees an event from their viewpoint. Police, military and other professions are trained to get past that blankness and remember details. I am absolutely terrible at it.

My hubby is home for a few days. I am tired so I am going to call it a night. I just wonder what you see when you look in the mirror. Is is what you want? Are you okay with it?  What about inside your soul? Does it shine or glow? I don't think I am beautiful, in the physical modern sense of the word. I have come to accept a lot of my physical flaws and be comfortable with who I am. I have gained 10 lbs already by quitting smoking. This really pisses me off. Sorry. Fair? That I am, that is something I work on and try to nurture. I do care about the people I care about. I don't always remember names and faces, but I love the stories, unforgettable. I remember a little old lady telling me she loved my smile. I still smile thinking about it 30 years later.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL, I have to get some sleep. No songs, quotes, or pictures today. I may add some later.

"exit Light, enter Night."

Hi. Why am I writing? It isn't as if I don't have things to do. I have lists upon lists. I am not getting very far these past few days. I really have to let the drama in my head out. I am tired of it messing with my daily life plans. Self-medicating..any type of drug and alcohol is never a good idea for me. I know this, have always known this and still can find ways to talk myself into it. Numbing myself out. It doesn't matter what I took or what combo I used. It triggered my migraines.

I have been asleep on-and-off for three days..today is Thursday? ugh. I am still exhausted, the anemia is wiping me out. Yawn. My one girlfriend described her time before her surgery as feeling like you are going to bleed to death. Yep. I am too tired to even worry about it or care. I am going through some motions, but crapola.

I can't even keep up with my FB'ers. LOL, that is bad.

My hubby will be home Monday for four days, then he leaves for four. Thanksgiving I guess we are doing early. Max's birthday (my 11/12 year old son) will be after that. Then my surgery, then recovery, then Christmas. Woo-hoo, so not. I am not bah-humbugging I am just NOT in the mood. I have so many many things I am thankful about. I am just having problems sticking with it. Staying with my reality, instead of zoning out. My reality?? It can be really monotonous, boring, and lonely.

Tomorrow is another day, as always. I will still be here.

I have figured out that my obsession doesn't matter. Finally. It doesn't matter whether somebody likes or loves me. I have plenty who do. The ones who don't had their chance, and didn't want it. I am finally getting some distance from it. I don't even have to feel sorry or mad. It is just done. Whatever.

Their are people who don't like me, some who hate me or did. Some folks, plenty of folks have never met me. It is ok. I am not worried about it any more.

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” ― Mother Teresa

I am nowhere close to where she was at, but this quote gives me hope and peace. Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL.

The title is from a song from Metallica, I own no rights to the song or lyrics.

 I am probably the only person who would include Metallica and Mother Teresa into the same blog, but be that as it may, it is about singing your own tune...and not worrying about what others think about it it..it is YOUR life. My life is going back to sleep for now and smiling at a puppy who yips in his sleep.

How Long Has This Been Going On?

Today is my wedding anniversary, yesterday was my hubbies birthday. I wish he could have been home for either or both. Nope, he has another 6 or so more days. Not fun. I did talk to him quite a bit today, on Facebook and on the phone. He is bored, I am sad. Somehow, this will all work out.

This past weekend opened my eyes to a few things. I was still obsessing about my "friend". Done, for good now, I hope. I wish them the best, can't and won't get sucked up into THAT mess any more. My nerves and emotions are still a bit raw. I exposed myself, not too surprising. I get hung up on stupidity every once in awhile. I have done this to different degrees before. I have also managed to shut the door and walk on too. Bye.

I keep saying that I keep getting bits of myself back. Yes, hard to explain, but it feels right. One more layer of maturity back on, or in place again. My kids and I still have a long way to go. I AM still addicted to Facebook. I am doing better, but have more work to do. My kids are also addicted to their various electronic games. Whew! One step at a time. I did better nutritionally today. I also did my physical therapy and went for a walk with the dog. It really made me feel a whole lot better.

Jack, my puppy has been my companion today. He has been nutty, sleepy, naughty and adorable. Right now he is crashed next to me. He always makes noises in his sleep. Sometimes he is nursing, so cute...other times he is having nightmares. What do dogs dream about? My dad always said they were chasing rabbits in their sleep. Jack has never seen a rabbit or a squirrel, yet. He chases lizards, crickets and birds. Ok, he eats the crickets..lol.

Dreaming, I read a whole blog about it. Everybody dreams, they have proven that or you would go psychotic. Some people remember their dreams vividly, others don't at all or rarely. I try not too..prefer not too. I daydream constantly, and have day-mares too. I find that easier than remembering my night dreams. Even good ones bother me. My dreams are incredibly weird. I suppose that isn't too surprising. I have had nightmares were I wake up shaking and crying and don't remember why. My hubby is good with that. He holds me, even when he isn't awake.

I had a dream in college where everything was in text..lol. I had gone through a radical adjustment from my boyfriend's apartment to life at BYU. I read through my collection of books, around the clock. Not too surprising then.

I am not always myself in my dreams, or even female..or always human either. LOL, I told you they are weird. My scary ones lately involve driving up and up and then going down and down. I am phobic about driving over bridges, overpasses and up/down/around mountain roads in real life. It is bad. It drives my hubby crazy, me too. It is irrational, I know it. I feel it, but I can't stop being scared or shaking. The dreams..ugh.

I had 2 dreams I remember as a kid. They are still imprinted on my inner consciousness. I'll talk about them some other time I am too tired tonight. My period is still 24/7 with various degrees of flow. I have multiple enormous clots..eww. I know. Sorry. This morning I woke up in a pool of blood. I was scared about my upcoming hysterectomy, not so much any more. Too not have to deal with this crap, wow!

That is why my hubby is working so may days in a row, so he can be here for my surgery and our son's birthday. He will be working through Christmas too. I think. I have been married to him for 14 years and lived with him for 8 years before that. For 22 years he has been my one and only. He saved my life and balances me still. We do have a lot of things to work through. I know! I still love him, though, and know he loves me. I still find that amazing.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.


I don't know where the quote or pic came from..they are not my property and I do not make money from posting them..if they are yours, please let me know.

the answer is no.(You are kidding, right?)

As an addict, my mind continually looks for ways around things. I have mentioned before that addicts don't think that "normal" rules apply to them or consequences. When bad things happen we think it is because we are cursed. No, we know we are cursed and nobody understands. We also won't or don't take no as an answer. LOL, or own minds just won't accept reality, so we change it, or try to. It has worked before, and when it hasn't, (see above) we were cursed or missed something or didn't know or..it is never really our fault. Until the day or moment we decide everything wrong in our life and the universe is our fault. Those times suck. Neither scenario is really real.

I have been trying to figure out the "why?" of how my mind and everyone else's works since I can remember. I am figuring out now, finally that I may just never really know. It still fascinates me though. Children of addicts and abuser's (the 2 can go hand in hand..) develop an extra awareness that "normal" kids don't have. We can act on cue, we were used to playing certain roles at home. I had to laugh when I first started waitressing. This is what I had been doing all my life. I was the one responsible at dinner( and other meals during weekends or holidays) for making sure everything was on the table before we all sat down. We all cooked, and we were all hypercritical of whoever had cooked something. Total bare honesty, it didn't matter, we still had to eat it and all that we were served. Of course, if we complained too much, we got an extra helping.

The only rule for not eating something was if my dad decided something was burnt or spoiled. He sometimes had a temper tantrum and knocked everything on the floor. But, he usually waited until we were almost done. I think he enjoyed putting down my mom's cooking more, making fun of her weight or ours. Actually, just being a complete and total a-hole. We got whacked with forks, spoons, and had food thrown at us. We ate food with mold, with bugs, and were punished if we threw up. I hated eggs, cooked any kind of way, lima beans, liver, and mushrooms. I wasn't thrilled about milk, either. We had to drink a glass. You could not leave anything on your plate or be wasteful. Other times, as a punishment everybody got to eat and you didn't.

I don't force my kids to eat anything. I admit I did go too far the other way. My son is the pickiest eater ever. My daughter has her Asperger's rear up while she is eating. She eats like my brother did..*sigh. It drove me nuts when I was a kid, it still does now. I am not going to go into detail.

Why am I writing about all this? I don't know. It was what it was. I hate that I am still reacting in ways to things that happened when I was a kid. I, at first,was always the pleaser. I tried to have everything perfect, be perfect, so my dad wouldn't get mad or mean, and would love me. It wasn't possible and it took me, and is still taking me a lot of time to figure out it wasn't my fault. It never was. The pain and sadness remain. That my Dad had so many issues and still does, oh well. It isn't my problem any more. That I have issues with different things..I talk to my therapist. I talk with my friends, and my frenemies. The people that don't "like" me are usually the most honest. It is painful, but true.

It always seems to me that I should have different rules. It isn't right, but a lot of the times I really don't care. Other times I look at myself and really say, what the hell are you doing? I have had to impose my own limits on things over the years. When I go overboard, which ends up sooner or later. I make up my own rules of how I try to control myself. Do I break my own rules? Well, yeah. lol. It depends on what it is. I learned to never say never, every time I did say that, for sure, without a doubt. Never, ever..I ended up doing it, somehow. Of course, this gave or gives me ammunition later. To berate yourself with.

Why? LOL, I am still working on that one. I keep taking steps toward better mental health. I slip, fall, every day is a different challenge. That's life. I think I am on the right track at the present. I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Peace is attainable and I can be in control and not at the mercy of my desires and addictions. Woo-hoo!

I got to go get some rest, now. It is late. This is one of the times I miss a cigarette. The last one before bed. It's ok. I have some celery and am going to go outside and meditate, look at the stars and then go to sleep. TTYAL,  thanks for listening.

dawn, another day, another gift

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain.. and most fools do."-Dale Carnegie

 ‎"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller

I don't know why those two quotes, but they are both saying something to me on different levels. G'nite!

Blah, blah, blah..

Back home, didn't realize how much I missed it till I was gone. The temperature here dropped while we were away. I actually wore long pants and a sweatshirt. I have plenty of things to do, just getting around to them slowly. I have been on Facebook almost all day yesterday and today. I don't like the new side ticker. It annoys me. Oh well, it is still free. It is nice to catch up with folks again.

I found it so strange that while I was in Utah, I really didn't have the compulsion to check it. I was in the moment with my kids and hubby for the most part. We had a really good time.  I am so smiling. Not everything was perfect, I packed too much as usual..lol. The kids did get whiny and bored at times. We spent way too much money, that we really don't have. *Sigh, credit cards.. I figured out I hate airports, security and flying. It stresses me out. Still beats driving though. Despite all that we all had fun...it made me appreciate my family again. I do love them all.

My kids have been beyond surly since coming home. They are not happy being back in Arizona, being with me or going to school. I can't say I am liking them all that much either. Ugh. Jack, the puppy has been in major sleepy mode. I don't think he's sick, just worn out. My neighbor had her new dog Maverick over while we were gone and Jack and him played. She said they ran around so much it was wild. He went crazy when we first came in. He was literally crying, leaping, shaking, and wagging. He has taken over my lap just about any chance he can get now. I missed him too. When a dog cries and tries to jump in your arms..wow. My little black puppy, I do love him. Even though he still does stink.

The kids get upset that he loves me the most. He was supposed to be Renee's dog. She didn't take care of him. So, I did. She accuses me every once in a while for stealing her dog. Yeah, I did. He does love her too. She gets goofy with him, though..hard to explain. Some good, some bad. Max, my son drives me nuts with him. He constantly picks him up and makes Jack growl. Jack loves him too, but will hide from Max, too. I can't blame him for that. I wish I could  hide away at times too. I do growl at times. LOL.

Utah, at the hotel..the pic is from 2010, hasn't changed.

What is the point to all this chit-chat today? I don't know. I am feeling lonely and not depressed so much, but not happy either. I have very mixed emotions about moving. Utah is one of the last places I would have considered moving too. I have lived there before in Provo/Orem. Yes, I went to BYU for one term and then got kicked out, for past "sins" before I ever arrived. Oh, and telling the truth. What a crock of shite, that was. I did have beautiful roomies though. Some of the sweetest girls I have ever met. I apologize to all the roomies I had after that, in Utah and at DeVry. I was a bitch, a thief, liar..addict, user..you name it. Some of my roomies were too. Others were really sweet and didn't deserve the shit they put up with. Sorry.

Choices, we all have choices. At least I have, for the most part. BYU was one..moving back to Utah is going to be another. I have managed to avoid Mormons for the most part, except for here in Queen creek. It is a very large Mormon area. Most of them are sweet, but it makes me uncomfortable. Church people of any type do after awhile. It isn't them, it is me. Bad memories, and dealing with emotions and troubles...I believe in God. I have discussed that before. I also respect others right to worship however they want. The sad part is that it isn't the other way around too often. They don't know how (hmmm? I can't think of the right word) they can be.

Plus, there is snow and cold. I don't know if that beats hell heat, sun and dust. Right now, I am waiting to see how much money the hubby says we have. We or I may go out for dinner anyway. I need to get out. The kids are going to be home soon. I wish my happy pills had made me happier today. Nope. Taking a shower would be a step towards getting motivated. I dusted the whole downstairs..whoop! I just wish for more/less today. I am thankful for being alive. I am also very thankful I don't have snow. Most of my Mid-west and Northern friends/readers will cuss here.

I feel right now this should be the scene where something dramatic happens. I would have somebody shaking me...WAKE-UP! SNAP OUT OF IT! or a plane would crash land on my house or something would blow-up. It isn't happening and I don't want that happening. But, I really would like something besides what I have. The real life part of that is I am going to have to get up and go get it myself. Not a plane crash, but something accomplished. Okay, enough for today. Thanks for listening to my blahs. I really hope your levels are higher than mine today, or at least not as dim.

"Sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people."

True..TTYAL..have a great day/week. It helps me to know you are all out there. It makes me feel less of a whatever, sort of mumbling to myself..HATE that, so thank you, truly. You make me smile inside and outside. I prefer that feeling to just about anything.

You can't see mountains at night, huh.

My family is all asleep. I am downstairs blogging in the lobby of a hotel in Utah. There is snow outside and the temperature has fallen below freezing. It is a big change-up from my desert in Southern Arizona. I am happy to be here. Wow! You can feel stressed and know it, but when it lifts? I feel almost dizzy, a different person. I have been very mellow and kind of dreamy. I love not being the person in charge, sometimes.

I have my kids 24/7 and that doesn't end when they are somewhere else or someone is taking care of them. My husband, being gone so much, has to reconnect. I don't get very many opportunities to just disengage a bit.. Whew!

It is different looking at my life today, compared to even a week ago, let alone a year or a few more. Self-knowledge can be a very dangerous thing. I have come so far so fast this past year. I know there are so many challenges ahead for me and my little family. My upcoming surgery, birthday's, holidays, therapy, and using what I have learned so far and applying it. My husband is an alcoholic, he refuses to admit that to himself. I am an addict, also. I so understand that denial. I have found different ways to "use" that don't require chemicals. Yes, he knows that I think he is an alcoholic. He also knows that I post about it.

I am still smoke-free. I crave them at times, though less often now. Sometimes cigarette smoke from others smells super-sweet to me. Other times, it reeks. Bad. My super skill of hyper-smell has become even more problematic. Most food doesn't taste that great too me. The food that does, tastes incredible. Mostly foods with a ton of fat or sugar. I have been over-eating. OMG, none of my pants fit for this trip. Not good at all, I am supposed to be losing weight..not the other way around. Aargh.

The kids are loving it here. Renee, my daughter, has especially missed snow. I can say without a doubt that I have not. I have missed Fall, seeing the trees here made me realize how much. The mountains here are beautiful. They bug me a bit. I mean, they are always there. I can't explain it. lol.. I am such a Midwesterner.

The one thing about mountains, you can't see them at night. Weird, they are still there and you know it but, you don't see them at all. My life, my levels, my problems past, present and future. They remind me of the mountains, unbelievably huge and all around. Tonight it is dark, so I don't have to face them. I am not hiding from the facts. I am just taking a natural break. I will see and deal with what I have too when the morning comes. If I want out of the darkness and to get anywhere. I am still here, now. I have been given that chance.

Thanks for listening as always..TTYL.

Changed My Song..

I should be asleep, but I can't. I know this. Too much caffeine and candy, for one. It was Halloween, I sat outside in my warm desert and handed out candy to the hordes. It was fun, I like to see the costumes and the people young, old, and in-between. I only got to trick-or -treat once when I was a kid. It was rushed and confusing, I was at my Aunt Char's for some reason I had a store-bought costume pulled over my head and was handed a bucket and went along with all the others. It was cold, and rainy and my cousins didn't like me very much. I don't even know if I got to eat the candy. My dad was so totally against Halloween.

We still handed out treats. My mom had penny jars, the little kids weren't so bad they thought it was cool. The other kids knew how lame it was. Halloween was serious business back then, if you didn't hand out something you got tricked. I guess my dad found it easier to go along with it then clean up the messes.

I didn't get trick-or-treaters when I lived in apartments. In WI, we lived on a strange one block street, one year I only had 3 kids total stop by. In AZ, it is fun, I go through massive amounts of candy. It amuses me.

Max went out with his friends for a little and then came back and helped hand out candy. It was way cool. Renee got stood up by a friend and decided not to go, she was so totally bummed. I felt so bad for her. A true compliment from a very dear old friend turned her around. She played me music and we actually talked.  I wish this happened more often. They have school tomorrow, I have so many things to do to get ready for our Salt Lake city trip. Aaargh..lol. I'll get there.

I wrote a whole other blog to a friend I can't talk to. I wish I could, I miss him. I am also so mad, and angry at him too. Thanks, I am F.I.N.E just fine. LOLOL..you don't have a clue, brother. I thought you did. I have been wrong before, hopefully I can learn from this and move on. It has been very bad. Not your fault, just the way it is. ick and ugh..I am praying for you as always for you and yours and for me too.

I have a couple other friends who I am now worried about, unhealthy choices. I pray for them, I can't change them or fix them. They are who they are. There is help available. My particular afflictions are a bit more messy and complicated. I know there is other's like me..I have met quite a few of them. I help them as much as I can, it helps them. It helps me. Maybe it is a karma thing, lol. I still wish..

I keep going, it is what I do. The next step, moving on..learning, growing.

God has plans for me, I think I disagree with them so far, lol. It has become an impasse. This is not the first time and will not be the last time we are at odds. Free will, sorry..it is what it is, my choice, my life. I think I will find out this is the way it was supposed to be, perhaps.

It could be so much easier.

It could be way worse.

No insightful wisdom just tired, but thanks for listening readers, Thanks for inspiring me to do better. Smoke free. wow.

Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow..other way around for my friends across the world. Feeling emotional connections, it is like a recharge to my soul. G'night and God bless.

I own no rights to the music or lyrics of the video I included, that is the property of Aerosmith.