I wasn't going to write now. I was going to clean up the kitchen, and do coupons, stop off at the bank and go grocery shopping. None of that is done..
I did feed both kids and got them off to school. Took care of Jack, the puppy, he's very persistent. I ate breakfast, and lunch. I even took a shower and got dressed. I am craving chocolate now. All I have is chocolate chips, so not my favorite, so I can pass.
One child is home already, Wednesday's are always an early release. Where did my day go? Facebook, big heavy sigh here..I am an addict.
Not totally out of control, but pretty d**n close. I have been worse. Hard to believe, but yes. Hell, I am still so obsessed though. So many things are so rewarding, seeing how and what my friends are doing. I really post too much, and love messages. My pokees are all very special people to me, unlike the jokes about it. It isn't a sex thing, though it can be. My pokes are about showing I care, that I am there and am always willing to listen. Checking on a few I worry about, or care deeply for, that I just like or the one I "stalk".
My current victim finds it amusing? LOL, idk..sort of. Well, he takes it all in good humor and he is "safe" in a way. It is really hard to explain. My old victim and I are just friends. We fight or disagree a bit, and make up..no, nothing like that. We have similar addictions, issues, and past histories...and are alike and very different. I prefer the new reality of our limited friendship to my old obsession, much more rewarding and sane. I learn.
I learn something new every day, about myself, about the world. I forget things too.
I am usually honest, I don't lie very often. Spur of the moment stuff I am usually bad at. Sometimes, it depends on what is going on and who I am with. People I am comfortable with find me outrageous, fun, smart and witty. People I don't know, in unfamiliar social settings, find me strange. I hesitate a lot and I am visibly nervous, in speech and manner. I miss alcohol then, as it works as a common ground, and is a drug to boot. Serving tables was different, you put on a persona or a mask and had a job to do. Nervous Nellies so didn't cut it. The people I worked with, were all completely different personalities, but you were in the same boat. We had a lot of fun, grief, pain, work..life.
I forget people lie, stupid, I know. I expect it from my kids, so they don't phase me. For the most part though, I am lucky, very few people do lie to me. I find it helpful that I am a ditzy blonde with a fuzzy brain. Since writing this blog, I have had a few messages. The few guys who wanted to see how my "sex" addiction worked were pretty disappointed. By the time I was figuring out what they were already saying, they had given up in disgust, hah. I encouraged that belief. A couple were straight out obvious, delete. Most people have been very supportive and shared stories with me. I find them all incredible and inspiring, wow!
I talk to my therapist tomorrow, probably a good thing. I have lots to talk about. Whew!
I know right now that I am still not all here. I want to be.. and I want freedom in mental health and going forward not backwards. I am actively using FB as a crutch, a therapy, an excuse to not go out and live. It sucks and I know it. Praying with my God today, I hear other people's messages loud and clear. Mine? The music is all jumbled too fast or slow and too many tunes playing at once. It means..I am going down some "wrong" paths.
The sex addiction is alive and protesting, I am able to deal with it. It is a test, not of my will but of my own stupidity. One of the reasons I don't go anywhere and have anywhere to go. I am not willing to throw 20 some years of control and commitment to the one man I love out the window for some poor schlepp. That is also one reason I haven't joined Sexual Anonymous either. The last thing I need is knowing others like me, in close vicinity. I have enough problems with the S.A.'s I know on FB. LOL.. What? You don't understand? No, unless you have the same addiction, you don't. Thank God, you never will.
It is bedtime for my kids now..I have been writing this on-and-off. I'll finish cleaning up after the dinner I made and talk with my hubby on the phone. I'll Fb more and take my stupid meds so I can sleep for more than a couple of hours. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to do better...I realize this post is all about me, me, me..sorry about that. My brain just went with it today.
I am ending today with a post from a friend the other day. I don't know if it is his words or a quote he found. I found it beautiful. TTYAL and thanks for listening. I pray this was true for everyone..knowing it isn't possible, yet, but hoping someday..the next level..
I did feed both kids and got them off to school. Took care of Jack, the puppy, he's very persistent. I ate breakfast, and lunch. I even took a shower and got dressed. I am craving chocolate now. All I have is chocolate chips, so not my favorite, so I can pass.
One child is home already, Wednesday's are always an early release. Where did my day go? Facebook, big heavy sigh here..I am an addict.
Not totally out of control, but pretty d**n close. I have been worse. Hard to believe, but yes. Hell, I am still so obsessed though. So many things are so rewarding, seeing how and what my friends are doing. I really post too much, and love messages. My pokees are all very special people to me, unlike the jokes about it. It isn't a sex thing, though it can be. My pokes are about showing I care, that I am there and am always willing to listen. Checking on a few I worry about, or care deeply for, that I just like or the one I "stalk".
My current victim finds it amusing? LOL, idk..sort of. Well, he takes it all in good humor and he is "safe" in a way. It is really hard to explain. My old victim and I are just friends. We fight or disagree a bit, and make up..no, nothing like that. We have similar addictions, issues, and past histories...and are alike and very different. I prefer the new reality of our limited friendship to my old obsession, much more rewarding and sane. I learn.
I learn something new every day, about myself, about the world. I forget things too.
I am usually honest, I don't lie very often. Spur of the moment stuff I am usually bad at. Sometimes, it depends on what is going on and who I am with. People I am comfortable with find me outrageous, fun, smart and witty. People I don't know, in unfamiliar social settings, find me strange. I hesitate a lot and I am visibly nervous, in speech and manner. I miss alcohol then, as it works as a common ground, and is a drug to boot. Serving tables was different, you put on a persona or a mask and had a job to do. Nervous Nellies so didn't cut it. The people I worked with, were all completely different personalities, but you were in the same boat. We had a lot of fun, grief, pain, work..life.
I forget people lie, stupid, I know. I expect it from my kids, so they don't phase me. For the most part though, I am lucky, very few people do lie to me. I find it helpful that I am a ditzy blonde with a fuzzy brain. Since writing this blog, I have had a few messages. The few guys who wanted to see how my "sex" addiction worked were pretty disappointed. By the time I was figuring out what they were already saying, they had given up in disgust, hah. I encouraged that belief. A couple were straight out obvious, delete. Most people have been very supportive and shared stories with me. I find them all incredible and inspiring, wow!
I talk to my therapist tomorrow, probably a good thing. I have lots to talk about. Whew!
I know right now that I am still not all here. I want to be.. and I want freedom in mental health and going forward not backwards. I am actively using FB as a crutch, a therapy, an excuse to not go out and live. It sucks and I know it. Praying with my God today, I hear other people's messages loud and clear. Mine? The music is all jumbled too fast or slow and too many tunes playing at once. It means..I am going down some "wrong" paths.
The sex addiction is alive and protesting, I am able to deal with it. It is a test, not of my will but of my own stupidity. One of the reasons I don't go anywhere and have anywhere to go. I am not willing to throw 20 some years of control and commitment to the one man I love out the window for some poor schlepp. That is also one reason I haven't joined Sexual Anonymous either. The last thing I need is knowing others like me, in close vicinity. I have enough problems with the S.A.'s I know on FB. LOL.. What? You don't understand? No, unless you have the same addiction, you don't. Thank God, you never will.
It is bedtime for my kids now..I have been writing this on-and-off. I'll finish cleaning up after the dinner I made and talk with my hubby on the phone. I'll Fb more and take my stupid meds so I can sleep for more than a couple of hours. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to do better...I realize this post is all about me, me, me..sorry about that. My brain just went with it today.
I am ending today with a post from a friend the other day. I don't know if it is his words or a quote he found. I found it beautiful. TTYAL and thanks for listening. I pray this was true for everyone..knowing it isn't possible, yet, but hoping someday..the next level..
"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
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