Hi..

Hi, yeah..I am still here, I am really not sure why. I have been so tired. I slept yesterday almost around the clock and the day before and..not sure before that. I probably had insomnia instead, or heartburn which ends up in insomnia. My head is a mushy mess of randomness. This affects more than just writing, I have to really remind myself what day it is.

My hubby works too much. He works too much and too often, then he comes home and does more work. Today it was picking up dog poo and mowing. I don't mow grass, not because I can't. I prefer not to. I am allergic to grass and hay, it makes me itch and I break out in hives. I went on a hayride as a teenager, oh boy that was not good. I would make an incredibly lousy farmer.

I had the thought that I don't have any hecklers or get angry e-mails, or get much feedback from this at all. What comments I do get have all been from people I know. With one exception, they have all been sweet. The exception wasn't even mean, just 1/2 and 1/2. The bonus was it was truly an honest opinion. Okay. I can deal with that. I am not trying to piss people off. I am just striving to sort out my own tangle of thoughts and my life. I think folks can relate or if they don't they just move on and/or shake their heads.

Oh, I forgot, for awhile I got guys who were trying to hook up with me. Delete. That was easy. It didn't even make me feel bad. I need another project or job or something. I had to laugh in a way as I have had so many people who dream about not having to work make comments. I miss work. I love having a job away from home, with people. Even my worst jobs were better than staying at home. I miss having my own money, too.

The reasons I don't work. Number one is because I owe a massive amount of money for school loans that I have never been able to repay. I waited tables for so many years so the government couldn't garnish my wages. At tax time they take any return money and keep it, my hubby files an injured spouse form and they give him half back. Since I haven't been working, he gets to keep all of it. My whole plan was after my kids got big enough, and in school full-time I was going to work full time and start making payments. My boss screwed me over with that big time, she didn't like me much. Then there was the whole getting severely ill and paying for medical bills instead, fiasco. We just finally paid another (last) medical bill off from that time.

Now, I don't know.

I am so sick of housework and children...and children and housework. LOL..Jack has been okay. I haven't been walking him at all. I need to get back in the swing of things. I have appointments and a few places to go the next few days. This is good for me. It helps to get out and do things.

I don't know why but I still get random cravings for a cigarette. I am still good without. That is a big expense I can't afford. Medical, dental, prescriptions, therapy..even with insurance these things add up. I don't know how we are going to pay for Max's braces. I have gnarly teeth and wanted braces. I was already a social outcast with my clothes, my family, being overweight, wearing glasses, non-athletic and being smart...braces wouldn't have been a bad thing.

I am trying to find the positives, and lately it has been very difficult. I doubt I will publish this...if I did..I hope you will bear with me. Big breath, next step up, things to do tomorrow  to help my daughter, and my hubby and maybe me, Max and the dog, too. I pray for so many others, some are just a quick thought, others are more profound. Others are people I am trying to forgive, some just can't help themselves. I am sorry "you are an ass" really isn't what I am striving for. I try to be nicer, but God sure put some challenges out there.

I got to go crash, TTYAL..I probably won't be writing much or very often. I still feel I am talking to myself for the most part, even though the blogger site says I have readers all over the world. I hope that I have affected you in some way for the good. Thank you for listening.