Writer's block? No. I just have been so sad and frustrated lately that I don't want to subject any one else to it. It is my own fault. I know this, but I feel that I am stumbling around. Like when it is dark in a room, and someone else is sleeping, you grope around trying to find the door without turning on a light. You don't want to wake them up, shhhh..
I manage to trip over or stumble into things even when the lights are on. With the darkness comes mystery, everyday objects are transformed by shadows. The parts you touch are confusing till you can figure out what it is. That is, oh.. a door, where the heck is the knob?
I have worked at exposing my fears and trying to conquer them all my life. So many things that terrified me, I managed to turn around and make them into something familiar and comforting. Darkness. I was the kid that had to have every light on in the room I was in, I had a nightlight and flashlights till my folks figured out I was reading with them. My window faced the streetlight, so my room never got fully unlit. I was always amazed when I went to other friends houses, how dark it could be.
Then, I went camping. northern Wisconsin or Michigan woods is pitch black. It felt strange to reassure others that they were okay. When other people are afraid, it turns my own terror into a very peaceful calm. I am really not sure why. My kids can pick up when I am scared better than anyone. I wish they hadn't.
I am exhausted today, as it seems so much that I always am. blah..I miss my cigarettes quite often. I am still doing good and I don't want to smoke for so many reasons. I do miss the jolt. I think it is hard and easier to live with someone who smokes as well. Sometimes I crave it when my hubby steps out, especially if we have company. The smell on his clothes and breath at other times is nauseating. I used to smell like that? ugh.
There is so many other things I could talk about, but I am going to go sleep, now. I am so glad this year is almost over. It has been brutal. I have higher hopes for the New Year, or the end of the world..lol.
I manage to trip over or stumble into things even when the lights are on. With the darkness comes mystery, everyday objects are transformed by shadows. The parts you touch are confusing till you can figure out what it is. That is, oh.. a door, where the heck is the knob?
I have worked at exposing my fears and trying to conquer them all my life. So many things that terrified me, I managed to turn around and make them into something familiar and comforting. Darkness. I was the kid that had to have every light on in the room I was in, I had a nightlight and flashlights till my folks figured out I was reading with them. My window faced the streetlight, so my room never got fully unlit. I was always amazed when I went to other friends houses, how dark it could be.
Then, I went camping. northern Wisconsin or Michigan woods is pitch black. It felt strange to reassure others that they were okay. When other people are afraid, it turns my own terror into a very peaceful calm. I am really not sure why. My kids can pick up when I am scared better than anyone. I wish they hadn't.
I am exhausted today, as it seems so much that I always am. blah..I miss my cigarettes quite often. I am still doing good and I don't want to smoke for so many reasons. I do miss the jolt. I think it is hard and easier to live with someone who smokes as well. Sometimes I crave it when my hubby steps out, especially if we have company. The smell on his clothes and breath at other times is nauseating. I used to smell like that? ugh.
There is so many other things I could talk about, but I am going to go sleep, now. I am so glad this year is almost over. It has been brutal. I have higher hopes for the New Year, or the end of the world..lol.
