Sandman..

I need to write, I want to write. What is stopping me?

Fear.

I don't really want to admit that.

I hate being scared, though I am quite often. There is all kinds of fears. Stephen King was asked one time where he came up with the ideas for his books. He replied that he wrote about everything he was scared of...that if he wrote about it he was less scared. I am glad I am not inside his head.

I am scared of hurting someone, or not being able to help someone the way they need. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be, but it is still crap. I am also afraid of being mediocre, just another voice among so many that isn't saying anything real, new or interesting. I am not really afraid of being mocked, though it isn't something I enjoy. I am very unhappy about being pitied, ugh. This poor girl who went through so much and became what exactly?

I am not alone, but I am.

I have the whole world of the internet available at my fingertips. I have my Facebook friends, my family including my dog, my friends and relatives I have met along the way. My own God that I talk to and try to listen to. Today, I am just tired.

I have been sleeping around the clock, trying to be better physically. Everything I do right now feels like an enormous undertaking. Taking a shower, getting dressed, cooking, cleaning, even Facebook and Words...Jack is the easiest part. He likes when I sleep.

UTAH

My mouth hurts, I had a tooth pulled and a root canal done. My cavity where my tooth was doesn't want to heal properly. Instead of going together and closing up, it is doing the opposite by pulling apart, exposing my jawbone. It has ripped all the way up to the roof of my mouth from my gum line. I laughed about it on Facebook. At least I don't have a normal complication like dry socket.

I am maxed out on the drugs I can take for this right now. Yesterday it wasn't so bad, today it is much worse.

I am excited and worried about my upcoming trip/ reunion. There are so many people I wish to see, to visit with and have fun with, too. The fears are something I am used to about being on my own. I don't like having to do things without a guide. My sister was my number 1 when we were kids. I drove us both a little crazy. My friends were my other guides. I switched to different people depending on the where, when or why. I could be anybody I had to be, except for the person I wanted to be.

Does any of this make sense?

I am not sure, my hubby is off work tomorrow and we have a few things to work out and a whole mess of chores to do. One step at a time, you can only plan so much and then you have to go with it. I am getting there.

I have missed writing, and I can't promise to be more regular, but I will make more of an effort. Thanks for listening and have a beautiful day tomorrow wherever you are. Kick some a$$ and don't take any grief that you don't have to. You deserve better.

Good night.

I don't own any rights to the above song or lyrics.