Wow! I am such a dork at times. The other night I crashed and burned. I hate when I weep, it makes me all congested and my face gets all blubbery and swollen. Why? It was all a mishmash combination of being sick, watching a sad/happy movie and being in the house with two kids and a dog. It is worse in a way than being totally alone. The kids for the most part ignore me and vice-versa, unless we need something from each other.
I feel responsible for them as the adult and mother. I also feel guilty that I don't have funner things to do with them. The dog? For at least three hours a night he is in naughty mode. He has too much energy. I should take him for a walk, but I haven't. There is so many other things I should be doing, but no. I do as bare minimum as I can accept and finally sleep.
The next day goes by a bit better. I hate when my hubby works nights. I know. I am thankful he has a job, that pays well. I am also grateful that he does work so hard to provide for me and the kids. I just miss him. I am a loner who has spent way too much time alone. I feel like I am going to burst open, the crying jag is like a relief valve on a pressure cooker.
I have my facebook friends and other things to play with. I indulged in way too much coffee and Halloween chocolate. At least I finally got some blankets and sheets washed and dried. I don't know.
I realize I am going to have to do more to start my weight/loss fitness. I have done it alone by choice voluntarily before, and unintentionally also. I can not do this by myself this time. I know this, feel it. I have been going around in circles with it and going nowhere fast. It doesn't help to yell at myself, be mad or sad, either. I loved an article I read today that pointed out that folks think that what works for them works for everybody. Um,no..
I am finally starting to feel better. It is about d**n time. I am laughing at myself again. I get sick of my own whining. I have been trying to put things into perspective. I am trying to figure out where I am going to put the groceries I just bought. I did use my coupons this time. The problem here is I really don't have a whole lot of storage space. This is where I flip-flop on what is going in my head. I should be happy that I have too much food, rather than not enough or none. Of course, it would also be sweet to be so wealthy that you have someone else do the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Can you imagine?
The movie I watched tonight was kind of stupid, really. It was kind of a mix of Kill Bill, mixed in with Fahrenheit 451, and the Matrix movies. Equilibrium with Christian Bale, I enjoyed certain parts of it. I am not going to say anymore about it. You have to watch it for yourself. If you don't get my other references.. where have you been? I admit I have and always will be a science-fiction/fantasy nut. I started with the Wizard of Oz and went from there.
The problem I have been having lately is that I now I am stuck in the doldrums, and I am trying to get out. No wind..*sigh. I am trying to care about myself as much as I do for others and it is really difficult. Telling the critical voice in my head to shut it. I had a friend post the other day about how much effort you put into things. The point, unless I am wrong was to realize that we really don't try with all we have. I commented that it depended on what it was.
I am a bit of a perfectionist and it is stupid. I know it. I also understand why I am, and loathe that part of it, too. The thought if I was perfect and did everything right I wouldn't get punished. It wasn't my fault and it didn't work, but I am still stuck with this aspect of myself. I have to limit what I do and focus on, or I never get done with anything.
I am going to try to explain that easier. I have said that my hubby does better housework than me. It's true he does. He is much more consistent than I am, he gets a lot done. I do a better job than he does when I do clean. I am better than I used to be, but when I swept or vacuumed I moved all the furniture. When I reorganized one cabinet it became all of them, when I cleaned the fridge, it had to be spotless. This gets to be exhausting so instead I wouldn't do it at all.
I have to thank one of my cousin's for telling me about the cleaning program she uses. I can't follow it the way the lady sets it up, but it gave me a whole new insight into my housecleaning. It is better to do a little every day than a lot whenever. okay.
The last blog, me,me, me...hmm..
I have been feeling lately that I have lost my purpose and message, gone off-track and then realized. There isn't any rules to this at all. The one thing I don't want to do is hurt others, which I have. I am sorry. That really threw me for a loop.
I don't know, I am hoping that some of the things I say provide insight or understanding for each other. I have tried to explain how my mind works, and what I would love to see change. Understanding is the opposite of not just ignorance but helps reverse the wrongs we do to each other. Everybody is unique and different, the threads we weave through our actions, words and thoughts is what makes it worthwhile to be here.
Okay, I am going to stop now. I hope that I have given a positive message today, lol. Thanks for listening as always.
I feel responsible for them as the adult and mother. I also feel guilty that I don't have funner things to do with them. The dog? For at least three hours a night he is in naughty mode. He has too much energy. I should take him for a walk, but I haven't. There is so many other things I should be doing, but no. I do as bare minimum as I can accept and finally sleep.
The next day goes by a bit better. I hate when my hubby works nights. I know. I am thankful he has a job, that pays well. I am also grateful that he does work so hard to provide for me and the kids. I just miss him. I am a loner who has spent way too much time alone. I feel like I am going to burst open, the crying jag is like a relief valve on a pressure cooker.
I have my facebook friends and other things to play with. I indulged in way too much coffee and Halloween chocolate. At least I finally got some blankets and sheets washed and dried. I don't know.
I realize I am going to have to do more to start my weight/loss fitness. I have done it alone by choice voluntarily before, and unintentionally also. I can not do this by myself this time. I know this, feel it. I have been going around in circles with it and going nowhere fast. It doesn't help to yell at myself, be mad or sad, either. I loved an article I read today that pointed out that folks think that what works for them works for everybody. Um,no..
I am finally starting to feel better. It is about d**n time. I am laughing at myself again. I get sick of my own whining. I have been trying to put things into perspective. I am trying to figure out where I am going to put the groceries I just bought. I did use my coupons this time. The problem here is I really don't have a whole lot of storage space. This is where I flip-flop on what is going in my head. I should be happy that I have too much food, rather than not enough or none. Of course, it would also be sweet to be so wealthy that you have someone else do the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Can you imagine?
The movie I watched tonight was kind of stupid, really. It was kind of a mix of Kill Bill, mixed in with Fahrenheit 451, and the Matrix movies. Equilibrium with Christian Bale, I enjoyed certain parts of it. I am not going to say anymore about it. You have to watch it for yourself. If you don't get my other references.. where have you been? I admit I have and always will be a science-fiction/fantasy nut. I started with the Wizard of Oz and went from there.
The problem I have been having lately is that I now I am stuck in the doldrums, and I am trying to get out. No wind..*sigh. I am trying to care about myself as much as I do for others and it is really difficult. Telling the critical voice in my head to shut it. I had a friend post the other day about how much effort you put into things. The point, unless I am wrong was to realize that we really don't try with all we have. I commented that it depended on what it was.
I am a bit of a perfectionist and it is stupid. I know it. I also understand why I am, and loathe that part of it, too. The thought if I was perfect and did everything right I wouldn't get punished. It wasn't my fault and it didn't work, but I am still stuck with this aspect of myself. I have to limit what I do and focus on, or I never get done with anything.
I am going to try to explain that easier. I have said that my hubby does better housework than me. It's true he does. He is much more consistent than I am, he gets a lot done. I do a better job than he does when I do clean. I am better than I used to be, but when I swept or vacuumed I moved all the furniture. When I reorganized one cabinet it became all of them, when I cleaned the fridge, it had to be spotless. This gets to be exhausting so instead I wouldn't do it at all.
I have to thank one of my cousin's for telling me about the cleaning program she uses. I can't follow it the way the lady sets it up, but it gave me a whole new insight into my housecleaning. It is better to do a little every day than a lot whenever. okay.
The last blog, me,me, me...hmm..
I have been feeling lately that I have lost my purpose and message, gone off-track and then realized. There isn't any rules to this at all. The one thing I don't want to do is hurt others, which I have. I am sorry. That really threw me for a loop.
I don't know, I am hoping that some of the things I say provide insight or understanding for each other. I have tried to explain how my mind works, and what I would love to see change. Understanding is the opposite of not just ignorance but helps reverse the wrongs we do to each other. Everybody is unique and different, the threads we weave through our actions, words and thoughts is what makes it worthwhile to be here.
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