I am hot, burning up warm. I don't think I am sick. I am not sure why. Hot flashes? Maybe, as I am still taking a small dose of hormone therapy, but all day? I received bad news about a friend. I wasn't surprised but sad. He has to find his own will to continue moving forward. Nobody else can give him that. It hurts me to know he is in pain, though.
I am trying to decide what to do next. I still don't know. My kids are doing better. My hubby's schedule is going to improve a bit shortly. The end of the year is coming up fast. I love Halloween, Thanksgiving and some things about Christmas. I am also scheduled to see a marriage counselor, hmmm. yeah.
I have to confess that admitting you have been whacked out crazy is very freeing in a way. It becomes something you don't have to hide anymore or feel embarrassed about. Yes, I did totally lose my mind. I still have bits and pieces that float away and others that come back. My short term memories for details is shot. I poured water into the coffee maker and then forgot and filled it again. Ooops! I didn't notice until later, when I discovered water all over my counter. Crap.
Small things that add up, I write things down a lot as my brain wants to change things around. Wrong date, wrong location, wrong time, I have learned I can't trust myself with these things. My hubby thinks it is the meds I am on. I am quite sure they are a contributing factor, but I have always had this..it is just worse.
The dental work is done for my kids. Three small cavities filled, not so bad. The eye doctor is next, seeing if either kid needs glasses yet. Then, a medical doctor for my daughter for her severe acne. She is cursed with that mess from both sides of the family. The boy hasn't quite hit that point yet.
Why did I have kids again? LOL.''I love them always" can't help it. I don't always like them, but for the most part they are good kids, really. I am not the greatest mother, either. I have my "mother of the year" moments and then "drag them under the bus" episodes. Sometimes with in the same 15 minutes..'tis true. I think most parents can relate.
One thing that does bother me is when folks say their whole life is their kids. Um, no..call me selfish, but no. If, something happened to either one of them or both I would lose a giant chunk of myself. I have told both of them that neither one can die before me. I am not sure how I would continue after that. I try not to think about it.
But, while all the above is true, I had a life and love before them, and I will have a life and love during their raising and after..hopefully. A bonus with the last years therapy was that it opened up a communication between me and my kids. They had told me I never really talked about myself or being a kid. True. Now that I have told the whole world, it is a bit easier in person.
My therapist told me, and I have mentioned it before. You know when you are healed when you can tell your own story. I am still working on it, so many secrets. I have had a lot of advice since writing this. One friend warned me to not to admit to too much as I may regret it. That is true in a way, it has changed my life. Another friend told me I had balls of steel. Aye carumba! No. Another told me that some things are better left unremembered and forgotten. That may be very true. There is things I flash on, but just quite don't remember. This can be a blessing.
I realize I have not been trying very hard at anything, lately. Just trying to stay afloat. I can be very mean/ harsh with myself and my kids. I do regret that. I wished in a way when they got their dna mix from me and my hubby that they would also take some of our experiences too. Nope. I have tried to protect them at the same time as I try to get them ready to face the world on their own. I am glad their dad is in the here and now with them. It helps so much.
I have things to do tomorrow, appointments to set up, kids to school, all my usual fun tasks of taking care of my house and family. My refrigerator is bursting from being filled with so much food. Tomorrow, I will wage war on it. Divide and conquer and throw away the refuse...lol.
I was deeply touched by all who answered my prayer request for a friend in need. thank you. I add my own prayer. "God, you know who I am thinking of, I know you have a plan for them. I know they also have choices, please help them and let them know they are not alone in this world. They are loved. thank you."
My mind is whirling around and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. it is 1am and I need to try to sleep. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you all later.
Thank you mess..it is a great page. The link is above on the picture, I own no rights to it. I am a mess also, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am trying to decide what to do next. I still don't know. My kids are doing better. My hubby's schedule is going to improve a bit shortly. The end of the year is coming up fast. I love Halloween, Thanksgiving and some things about Christmas. I am also scheduled to see a marriage counselor, hmmm. yeah.
I have to confess that admitting you have been whacked out crazy is very freeing in a way. It becomes something you don't have to hide anymore or feel embarrassed about. Yes, I did totally lose my mind. I still have bits and pieces that float away and others that come back. My short term memories for details is shot. I poured water into the coffee maker and then forgot and filled it again. Ooops! I didn't notice until later, when I discovered water all over my counter. Crap.
Small things that add up, I write things down a lot as my brain wants to change things around. Wrong date, wrong location, wrong time, I have learned I can't trust myself with these things. My hubby thinks it is the meds I am on. I am quite sure they are a contributing factor, but I have always had this..it is just worse.
The dental work is done for my kids. Three small cavities filled, not so bad. The eye doctor is next, seeing if either kid needs glasses yet. Then, a medical doctor for my daughter for her severe acne. She is cursed with that mess from both sides of the family. The boy hasn't quite hit that point yet.
Why did I have kids again? LOL.''I love them always" can't help it. I don't always like them, but for the most part they are good kids, really. I am not the greatest mother, either. I have my "mother of the year" moments and then "drag them under the bus" episodes. Sometimes with in the same 15 minutes..'tis true. I think most parents can relate.
One thing that does bother me is when folks say their whole life is their kids. Um, no..call me selfish, but no. If, something happened to either one of them or both I would lose a giant chunk of myself. I have told both of them that neither one can die before me. I am not sure how I would continue after that. I try not to think about it.
But, while all the above is true, I had a life and love before them, and I will have a life and love during their raising and after..hopefully. A bonus with the last years therapy was that it opened up a communication between me and my kids. They had told me I never really talked about myself or being a kid. True. Now that I have told the whole world, it is a bit easier in person.
My therapist told me, and I have mentioned it before. You know when you are healed when you can tell your own story. I am still working on it, so many secrets. I have had a lot of advice since writing this. One friend warned me to not to admit to too much as I may regret it. That is true in a way, it has changed my life. Another friend told me I had balls of steel. Aye carumba! No. Another told me that some things are better left unremembered and forgotten. That may be very true. There is things I flash on, but just quite don't remember. This can be a blessing.
I realize I have not been trying very hard at anything, lately. Just trying to stay afloat. I can be very mean/ harsh with myself and my kids. I do regret that. I wished in a way when they got their dna mix from me and my hubby that they would also take some of our experiences too. Nope. I have tried to protect them at the same time as I try to get them ready to face the world on their own. I am glad their dad is in the here and now with them. It helps so much.
I have things to do tomorrow, appointments to set up, kids to school, all my usual fun tasks of taking care of my house and family. My refrigerator is bursting from being filled with so much food. Tomorrow, I will wage war on it. Divide and conquer and throw away the refuse...lol.
I was deeply touched by all who answered my prayer request for a friend in need. thank you. I add my own prayer. "God, you know who I am thinking of, I know you have a plan for them. I know they also have choices, please help them and let them know they are not alone in this world. They are loved. thank you."
My mind is whirling around and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. it is 1am and I need to try to sleep. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you all later.
Thank you mess..it is a great page. The link is above on the picture, I own no rights to it. I am a mess also, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
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