Where's February?

It has not been a good day, not today, not yesterday. Nothing really bad happened, no tragedy or emergencies. I was in despair though. I am not sure why. My head hurts now, and I am tired. Maybe I just needed to let it out. I do hope that that was it for a long time. I am reminded of an old Hee-Haw song/skit. ''..deep dark depression, excessive misery, if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair and agony on me..." They made it funny. I cried.

Someone said they couldn't cry on anti-depressants. I managed. The hardest part is knowing you are on your own. No one is going to call, or come over or even want to hear from you. Not really, which is okay in a way as you don't want to bring anyone else down. I think this is one reason for stupid bar fights. People go to their local watering hole to self-medicate and voila! let out all their frustrations on somebody that just annoyed them. I could use somebody I don't like right now. Sad.

It would be better than taking it out on my kids or the dog. My husband; I will have seen for only two-and-a-half days for the entire month of January. This year has already been hard. I am whining, but I am angry in so many ways. I am tired of being alone, except for my kids. I am sick of having all the responsibility for them and for this house. I am bored, frustrated, still sick and have reached my limit.

I don't drink or do drugs any more. I don't smoke. I don't party at all. I don't go very far, around the block, to various stores/restaurants, the library, my therapists, Renee's piano teacher, the vet or groomers, doctor's offices. Not fun. I am going to buy some flowers tomorrow and cheer myself up. I do have another appointment with my hypnotist. Maybe another session will help with overeating. I am not doing well with that at all. Better? Perhaps, but way less than I want to be.

I cleaned today and grocery shopped. I am trying to give myself the rule that my house has to be clean enough to not embarrass me if somebody stopped by. I am not talking company, maybe a friend or neighbour. I got 1/2 way today. I will do more tomorrow and more Saturday. My reward is Facebook time and flowers, or maybe getting my nails done. Something.

I will have more tears, they aren't very far away. I also realized that a couple of my friends on Facebook weren't what I thought they were. It is okay. My other Facebook friends are real and cheer me up so much. I love the laughs for me and them.  My real friends here in Arizona are a sweet bunch and going through such hard times. It hurts me. It hurts even more that I will be leaving them, just when I started getting to know them.

My kids have been giving me spontaneous hugs the last few days. I worry because I have so little time left to teach them how to be responsible for themselves. I am a bit scared. I haven't done a very good job of that lately and it shows. They both have some major issues. The bonus is they are smart and are good-hearted. I do have high hopes for them.

Renee's music improves daily. It is so beautiful. She is having a tough time in choir because she won't sing any more. I don't know what to do about it yet. She tells me the other girls are usually so off, and the teacher sometimes too. They make too many mistakes, that aren't corrected. Her words, "It sounds all wrong, mom." Renee plays music by ear, I do not know how many songs she has in her head, original or otherwise. I have said it before. Her piano lessons are amazing.

I am NOT going to talk any medical stuff tonight..blah. My hubby and me skyped. That was fun, and then he posted a sweet comment on FB after. Wow! I love you too. That really cheered me up. The thing is my sadness, humour, goofiness, seriousness..etc. are all a part of me. I can have opposite feelings at the same time in different ways. I think others can understand this. Well, I am hoping anyway. That is supposed to be funny, I laughed.

There is other friends I have been neglecting and I miss them. Mindy, my mom-in-law Gloria, my neighbour  Dona, my ex-neighbour Jenny and my sis-in-law Mary, my mom, I can add a few more to the list. Love you all, I know you all don't read this, but still. I had to say it.

I got to go, feeling more even keel. Another school day tomorrow and then the week-end will arrive. I am good. TTYAL, hope you are all having an awesome day and a great start to the New Year. If you aren't, even a little bit, you are not alone, so many others are off to a rough start too. Thanks for listening. Snooze time for me..maybe I should check FB one last time? You should know, I will. LOL

Shattered..

I have said before I get pieces back of who I was before I shattered. Yep, no other way to describe it. Sometimes it is just a feeling that is triggered by a memory, a comment or an action. I feel much more stable today and yesterday than I have in months. I have a friend to thank for that. For me it felt like cold water splashing all over me, a past-due wake-up call. OH! I doubt that that friend even knows or cares, and it doesn't matter. I have my reserve back. Some might call it a wall, it isn't. It is a protection for myself. I tend to over-react, feel way too much without much encouragement.

I like that it also gives me more of my sense of humor, without being snarky. Good thing too..I am having enough challenges in my life. I need all my parts, arsenal of strategies and straight thinking. I will mention this to my therapist who will probably tell me I had this all along. True, but when you can't access it or don't know what is missing it isn't very useful. I have been feeling so confused in some ways and lost. Self-doubt, despair, and so much angst that hasn't disappeared. There isn't a magic button; whoosh! The difference is I remember who I am. Or at least, another part of "me" has resurfaced.

I am not an alcoholic though I tried to be. I am not a drug addict, though I could be. I am an addict, but I can choose in what, where, why, and am working on how much. This isn't easy. I can screw up and I probably will at times. I have a lot of different ways of getting around things. My biggest obstacle is myself. I have to stop doubting my own abilities and wisdom. I need to trust in my own faith. This is my choice and I do have professional help. I also have a few friends I talk to, my hubby, my kids. Yes, I talk to the puppy, too. He helps me in ways people can't.

There were times in my life that a dog's love was the only thing that kept me going. I am still grateful.

I am excited to be going with my woman's group to a seminar tomorrow. I am also proud that I can trust my kids to stay out of trouble and watch the house and puppy. They are great kids. My kids. It still feels weird at times to admit being a parent.

I got too much stuff I have to go do, back to the real world. Thanks for listening as always.

My level was finding out that I can trust myself, again. I have certain standards, beliefs that are me. I refuse to let the doubt back in. I like myself for the most part, hate a few things and am learning, piece by piece to love myself and that is okay. I hope this makes some sense to others, and helps them also.

Starting at the bottom..

The Truth is..

Hi! I promised happier and cheerful. The problem is that for the most part that IS how I am, on paper is how I let out the darkness. Or, at least that is my newest theory...I have been known to be wrong, at least once or twice. Now, see that was funny to me. lol, sorry.

Sad news first, my sister-in-laws boyfriend for the past 3 years passed away unexpectedly Saturday night. I only met him once. He seemed like a nice guy. He was good to her, and helped her with her 4 kids. They loved him. I feel so bad that all I can do is offer my sympathies and prayers. I am so grateful to all my FB friends who have done the same. So much, my heart overflows. I have said the worst things seem to happen to the nicest people. My SIL is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She has had to endure way to much BS in her life.

I am going to change the subject now. It is just too painfully raw and sad. I take my daughter back to the therapist tomorrow. I was trying to find her a new one that could work with her Asperger's. That is going to have to wait till we move to Utah. I don't want to start her with someone new and then have to break it off in a few months or so. She is still "fighting" severe depression. I highlight fighting because for the most part, while I get a glimmer here and there, she has given in. I can't seem to reach her. I am probably more of a big mojo bad for her than good. I try. It is so difficult though.

My hubby is home. He had to drive again. So, it has been great to see him and be able to touch him and other things...lol. He is exhausted. He fell asleep at 8:30 pm. He was also loaded too, which hurts my heart too. I can't help him with that. I try not to be a bitch about it, the same goes for my daughter and my son.

I am not succeeding. I am being a bitch for the most part. I miss and don't miss my smokes. I am not doing as well with my weight-loss hypnosis as I should or could. I have issues with my own regular therapy. While I am better and am getting more whole. I am so far from where I wish to be. I am sick of fighting the sadness. I want to feel happy and fun, light and care-free. I want to go places and do things and not have to worry any more about how I look and act. I am tired of the pity looks I get from folks or the disgust from people who find my obesity revolting. The worst part is being invisible. Where they look at you and then look right past you like they didn't see you.

I want a whole new life, a start over. But, then I would lose all or any wisdom I have accrued here. I would lose my hubby and kids. I would miss my friends and my puppy. I would even lose the memory of all the people and places that were important to me. All the things that have meaning for me...no. I wouldn't be me anymore. I have to say that being me is getting to be a royal pain. I am so tired. I am so tired of physical, and mental pain.

I crave peace and serenity, but am bored with it.

I am going to go get some sleep now and think about publishing this tomorrow. g'night for now.

This was yesterday and so many things have swirled around and changed my outlook on things. I am trying to figure out where I am in all this mess. I wish I felt better, physically and mentally. I am going to bed tonight. I think some real sleep will help tremendously. Thanks for listening. I am okay for now...and will be better in the morning.

TTYAL..

the new me..2nd step.

I am running out of vices. Really. I can probably invent a few more but, sheesh. My hypnotherapy for weight loss was not what I expected. I already knew I was an emotional eater. To have the hypnotist confirm that, undeniably without a doubt, was just wrong. I am shaking my head. It was shocking and so not at the same time. His comment, "You have a lot of built-up emotions that were never dealt with." Really? Don't we all?

I am not sure what I am doing tonight. My heart feels like it is racing at a 100mph but my body is at a standstill. My mind is a swirl of just about everything. It gets prickly and different thoughts will pop in and out. I have fragments of songs that play, some are on a loop. This isn't really unusual, but I feel anxious. Not the impending sense of doom type, more like a nervous Nellie. I feel like a skittish horse, turning this way and that. I am just spooked a little. I don't know why.

I got more accomplished today than I have in weeks. It felt good. I am still working on that momentum. I should take Jack for a walk, perhaps. There is no hard and fast rules here. My kids are playing upstairs, the puppy is curled up next to me. I am in comfy clothes that I will most likely wear to bed, minus my bra. I have freshly washed sheets to look forward to. I have on my heavy blue robe as I have the heat turned off again. It makes me feel less guilty for the medical bills I have been accruing. I had my CT scan done yesterday. Another $600 plus what the insurance will be paying or not after my deductible is met...d**n.

I really can't afford to be sick, anymore. It could be worse. One of my friends husband's has cancer treatments that cause thousands a month. She is running multiple plans for donations. I feel bad that I can't contribute. If she lived closer I could donate my time or baking skills. This is so sad and heart-breaking to me.  I have another friend, two actually, that are dealing with the death of a friend. I grieve for them too. It isn't at the same level as they are, but shite. There is so much sadness.

Emotions, hell.

My weight loss rules are simple, but harder than you might think. I can only eat when I am hungry. I have to be sitting down and not doing anything else. I can eat with other's but have to be extra mindful when I am. I stop eating when I am full. I am to fully enjoy my food while eating. That's it. I can eat whatever and however I need. The difference is separating comfort from reality. We eat food to replenish our bodies. It is supposed to taste good. Emotional eaters eat to feel better. But, even as an alcoholic ends up despising themselves for drinking, an overeater hates themselves for eating. And, then eats more to feel better.

The hypnotism helps because I do feel full. I usually don't. Or even when I did, I ignored it to fill the emptiness inside me. That is my own emotional trauma mess. I am way past due for learning how to deal with it. Addicts, we just don't give up so easily. We really do like to hold on to our hurt. It reminds me of a little kid, mine! mine! mine! except instead of a favorite treat or toy we are holding on to our bad.

I am glad my hubby will be on his way home tomorrow.

I am going to go turn off the oven now. I was thinking about making cookies or cupcakes. Maybe tomorrow. In my past life I would have smoked a whole pack by now. I am more upset right now that I burnt my mouth on coffee the other day very badly and somehow bit the inside of my cheek. It is really bugging me.

My daughter said my blogs make her sad. Her music makes me weep so I guess we both have it bottled up. I also like to laugh. She does too, it is getting past her serious side and trying to find the girl she is underneath. God, I love her.

Bedtime now, so I can be ready for a new tomorrow. Thanks for listening. Yawn! TTYAL..I promise to be more cheerful next blog. Really. LOL.

Where it stops, nobody knows..

I am feeling sorry. Not for myself but more as an apology message to others. I am sorry I can be such a pain-in-the-ass. I am sorry that I bother(ed) you or anybody connected to you. I am sorry that I screwed up and can't seem to keep it together at times. I am sorry I didn't do more. I am also sorry that I have "lost" it, hurt you in any way. I am sorry for your pain, loss and suffering. If I never hurt you, harmed you or did any evil towards you, sweet. I am sorry I am human.

Then again, there is those people who I did tell off. Oh boy, did I ever. It felt really really good. Some, I ended up regretting. I have other times, where I didn't say anything, and walked away. Sometimes I wish I had been stronger. Instead of running away, that I had stood my ground. I also wish I hadn't given up on myself at times. I let "shite" get to me.  While I didn't believe all the horrible things I thought about myself or had heard, there was that doubt. I just couldn't go on. It doesn't matter. I still woke up the next day.

Life happens whether you give up or not. Drowning in sorrow or misery or jumping from cloud to cloud..it happens. I said this to a friend, it isn't personal or fair. It is life. You win or lose during, in the end; we all do die, all of us. What happens after that is all a big guess. Nobody knows. There are folks who believe, who have faith. Others have so many different ideas or none at all. Others hang on even though I have no clue why they would.

I am sorry but I can't believe I'll be rejected in heaven for what I believe. I think my own personal hell will be seeing all the could haves. The heavenly parts will be for what I did do and how that spread throughout. The worst scenarios..let us say that I have a very vivid imagination. I think I will still be shocked. I am not ready to find out any of this yet.

Okay, all apologies aside..back to my routine. My goals. Everybody has them. Whether it is basic survival or going to visit Mars. Whether or not you have written or thought them out; you have them." I want" is the first thing we learn. I want to breathe is number one. After that, it is all a hodgepodge. Wow, I have always wanted to use that word. One of my minor goals attained. That IS meant to be funny.

Wow, I am so tired.

Saw doctor #1 today and doctor #2, the first one was routine, same time next year. The second one...I told him I didn't want an appointment. I just wanted his recommendation for a hernia specialist. The appointment did not go well. He told me he couldn't feel the hernia, and didn't think it was back. I pointed out that my symptoms prove otherwise. This is number 3, don't tell me what I am feeling isn't what it has always been. So I am scheduled for a CT which may or may not show anything. His referral is some docs in Canada, really?? You cannot be serious. His other thought, a colonoscopy. I have had two and will never have another. It does nothing to find a hernia at all. Which he agreed, but then added.. maybe it is my lifestyle?? Which is a nice way of saying I eat too much of the wrong foods and don't exercise. True. At least he didn't ask me if I was taking fiber like surgeon number 2 did after her failed surgery attempt. I HATE doctors today.

I guess my medical deductible will be payed by Feb. again this year.

I am a procrastinator. I know this.  I have made it into a science of not doing things when I am supposed to. This is not something I am proud of. I can, however, focus on a project with multiple parts and get it done. My focus is absolute.  I have a much harder time with day-to-day existence.  I am managing to stay sober, straight, and smoke-free. I am almost to the six month mark..woo-hoo!

I wish with all my heart my hubby was home. I will go start my dishes in a bit, and clean counters and separate laundry. I will try to do a bowel movement. I know you are all happy I shared that info. I will take my fiber and go for a walk. I don't want to be alone any more inside my head. I have a puppy on my lap and two kids, one is out playing at the park. The other one is playing on her Nintendo upstairs. My scar is twinging like hell.

No more for now, I am making myself sad. That isn't my intention.

It is later on in the day. I am doing better. I talked with my hubby and my kids. I did my walk. My son actually changed the spare tire on his old bike. Wow. I am impressed. My Facebook friends were inspiring, fun, naughty, nice..you name it. I have two friends that are very dear to me and I have no clue what to say to either one. For the first time ever, I am going to try silence. I may not be able to do it. If they want to speak to me they will. If not, I will be okay. The world will not end. I will still wake up tomorrow most likely.

The countdown for the rest of the year? 2012 being the end all of existence. I am saying bring it on. Let's go! I am facing momentous changes this year, my horoscope said to embrace it and go with the flow. Okay. For that I am back to "row, row your boat" through the stream of time. Dreams? Reality? Sounds like fun..

When you stray away from your soul, the distance you have traveled is measured by the aching of your heart. - by Dodinsky

Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.--Arthur Somers Roche

I can't say I won't worry anymore. I am finding my soul. It is beautiful. I feel priviliged to have shared that with others.Thanks for listening to me today and being part of my journey. TTYAL. I am not sure where I got this picture from. I did add advertising again to this blog..I don't know. We shall see.

Was it Monday?

Another weird day today after days of strangeness. I am not over-medicating again or doing anything else. I just feel odd. My hubby was home this week-end. We had a good time. It was fun, and pleasant and we did manage to talk about some things. My son has been on again, off again..alternating between being a royal pain in the a$$ to being an awesome human being. He overdosed on home-made sugar cookies for two days and ended up throwing up sick last night. He is fine now. My daughter is always very touchy, but she had moments of absolute clarity this week-end.

She had another break-down at school with the same teacher as before. She hid in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. If she doesn't make it to class tomorrow she is suspended again. *sigh. I asked her about it and she doesn't have an answer. At this point, neither do I.

I feel like crap.

I am mentally tired, emotionally drained and physically ill. My spirituality could use a boost too. I have been craving cigarettes today. I know it is just a reaction to my stress and all. I did manage to get by it all...Awh..poop and heartburn. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat or don't. Nasty acid reflux.

I took Jack the puppy for a walk. It beautiful out tonight with a full moon and no clouds. I wore my new sandals to show off my pedicure. It is close to pitch black and know I am not going to see anybody. Which I didn't. But, it is my first ever pedicure. My hubby's treat this weekend. They look marvellous.

I have to laugh, I can dress up very nice. I just never was a big fan of girlie things. Pink was a color I loathed. I did make-up, high heels, dresses, jewellery and purses through junior high through high school. Usually it was for church, though I did it up occasionally for school events or to trip people out. It was a bet to see how many people would say hi to me in the hallways that normally wouldn't. I laugh, but I averaged 0-3 per class depending. Dressed up, I could get 6 to 10.

I got contacts freshman year, and had Lasik done about 8 years ago. It is so awesome. I love being able to see without my glasses or contacts. I was legally blind without them. I had short hair when I was little, and then was not allowed to cut it till I was 18. I don't miss it. I had tremendous headaches that disappeared after my hair was short. Woo-hoo! I didn't have my ears pierced till I was 19. I also never wore gold until my early 30's and found out I am allergic to it.

I just got into a fight with my daughter again. She is moping. Whatever. I am so tired of her drama at the same time that I know she needs major help. I get so irritated that she won't even try anything. We both walked away this time. Which is a good thing but aargh!

My phone just rang and it should be my hubby saying he made it to his hotel. I am glad, but I am not answering, yet. I am sick of phones and letters and not being able to see or touch the people I am talking to. Blah. It just makes me feel so much more isolated. I  did meet with my ladies group. That was so sweet.  We had an absolutely great time. They are so awesome. I was in a somewhat quiet mode. Yes, I do have those. I am getting there. We have our conference coming up, it is going to be so much fun.

I feel like I am babbling here. Maybe I am. I talk to my therapist soon, and have doctor appointments this week too. I am not looking forward to any of it. I have returns to do, groceries, laundry, cooking etc. All the stuff I still have to do. One step at a time. TTYAL. Thanks for listening.

Choice swear words...

I have been trying to adjust to the New Year. Not much has changed, but it still feels different. I have been sick again..damn hernias. I feel much better right now though. It comes on in waves and I will be okay for a while and then it hits. I am saying choice swear words. I may call my ex-surgeon tomorrow to see if he suggests anyone. I am so tired of fighting this.

My kids, are incredible. I am going to say that again. My kids are incredible. They do drive me to the edge and back again. Then they amaze me. Max is working on his own New Year goals. He decided he wants to improve his grades, spend less time on-line and be a nicer person. Wow, he came up with all of this on his own. Renee isn't doing as well. She is still very depressed, but we are talking more. One problem is she makes no sense at times, even to herself. I am working very hard at just listening and NOT commenting or starting to lecture. It is helping. The one bonus is her music just keeps getting better and better.

I am learning to move on. I wish I was doing more, but then I get overwhelmed and/or burnt out. Baby steps, one at a time..learning to fall forward enough and then catch myself. I keep being reminded of balance. I was talking with my kids about moderation, in drinking, in everything. They "got" it. Then of course they have to get goofy. I was saying it is easy to dehydrate especially in the summer heat in Arizona. I then mentioned while not impossible, it is hard to over-hydrate. Your body will try to refuse to let you drink too much H2O. My daughter's comment, "unless you are drowning."  LOLOL..she does have her moments. I know that shouldn't be funny but, it is.

I do not understand why I am wide awake at 4AM. I didn't even take a nap yesterday. I went to physical therapy. I admit I cheated out of some of my exercises. I just felt awful. I went grocery shopping and didn't use my coupons either. Gasp! I know, it is terrible. I am so living on the outer edge. Serious? You know your life is sad when you get excited that your brand of toilet paper is on sale. I have become my mom. I did marry a nicer guy though. That was a bit of a wicked comment. Whatever, I don't really think I am heading straight for heaven anyway.

My honey will be home again this weekend. Thank God! Praise Hallelujah, Amen. Winter break was horrific to me. It had a few shiny happy moments, but for the most part..blcch. I survived it as did my kids and the dog. My house could use some major TLC. I am trying to talk my internal self into liking housework. If I am going to be addicted to something why not make it useful like cleaning, cooking, and exercising? So far I have not been successful with this. I think my subconscious is too smart for that. More choice swear words..

Yes, I am still addicted to Facebook, though I am no longer a stalker. Yeah for me! The time I spend is less than you might think as I read fast and do other things as well. Denial is so lovely. I am still working on this. My  prescription medications are finally straight. I am not sure if I mentioned it, I had added an extra anti-depressant I wasn't supposed to be taking. Oh my. Plus I figured out I double-dosed on my others a few times. I was wondering why I was so dizzy? duh..there are also a few things I have spaced out too. I had a few people make some comments to me about this or that. Huh? I went back and read stuff I wrote. I was impressed that for the most part I was really nice. It is disturbing that I don't remember writing it at all. I probably shouldn't be admitting that.

Levels, I still have some goals in mind but I need to get some physical things working better first. Focus and then commitment will be next and a specific action plan that can be tweaked as needed. Change is hard. Staying the distance is even harder. Ugh. I will not let the lizard win! ?? I will explain that another time.

Thanks for listening. I am hoping you are having a lovely winter day where ever you are. My blog tracker says I have readers from all over the globe. I find this incredibly sweet. TTYAL.

“Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.”—Unknown 

Yeah, afraid so.