It has not been a good day, not today, not yesterday. Nothing really bad happened, no tragedy or emergencies. I was in despair though. I am not sure why. My head hurts now, and I am tired. Maybe I just needed to let it out. I do hope that that was it for a long time. I am reminded of an old Hee-Haw song/skit. ''..deep dark depression, excessive misery, if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair and agony on me..." They made it funny. I cried.
Someone said they couldn't cry on anti-depressants. I managed. The hardest part is knowing you are on your own. No one is going to call, or come over or even want to hear from you. Not really, which is okay in a way as you don't want to bring anyone else down. I think this is one reason for stupid bar fights. People go to their local watering hole to self-medicate and voila! let out all their frustrations on somebody that just annoyed them. I could use somebody I don't like right now. Sad.
It would be better than taking it out on my kids or the dog. My husband; I will have seen for only two-and-a-half days for the entire month of January. This year has already been hard. I am whining, but I am angry in so many ways. I am tired of being alone, except for my kids. I am sick of having all the responsibility for them and for this house. I am bored, frustrated, still sick and have reached my limit.
I don't drink or do drugs any more. I don't smoke. I don't party at all. I don't go very far, around the block, to various stores/restaurants, the library, my therapists, Renee's piano teacher, the vet or groomers, doctor's offices. Not fun. I am going to buy some flowers tomorrow and cheer myself up. I do have another appointment with my hypnotist. Maybe another session will help with overeating. I am not doing well with that at all. Better? Perhaps, but way less than I want to be.
I cleaned today and grocery shopped. I am trying to give myself the rule that my house has to be clean enough to not embarrass me if somebody stopped by. I am not talking company, maybe a friend or neighbour. I got 1/2 way today. I will do more tomorrow and more Saturday. My reward is Facebook time and flowers, or maybe getting my nails done. Something.
I will have more tears, they aren't very far away. I also realized that a couple of my friends on Facebook weren't what I thought they were. It is okay. My other Facebook friends are real and cheer me up so much. I love the laughs for me and them. My real friends here in Arizona are a sweet bunch and going through such hard times. It hurts me. It hurts even more that I will be leaving them, just when I started getting to know them.
My kids have been giving me spontaneous hugs the last few days. I worry because I have so little time left to teach them how to be responsible for themselves. I am a bit scared. I haven't done a very good job of that lately and it shows. They both have some major issues. The bonus is they are smart and are good-hearted. I do have high hopes for them.
Renee's music improves daily. It is so beautiful. She is having a tough time in choir because she won't sing any more. I don't know what to do about it yet. She tells me the other girls are usually so off, and the teacher sometimes too. They make too many mistakes, that aren't corrected. Her words, "It sounds all wrong, mom." Renee plays music by ear, I do not know how many songs she has in her head, original or otherwise. I have said it before. Her piano lessons are amazing.
I am NOT going to talk any medical stuff tonight..blah. My hubby and me skyped. That was fun, and then he posted a sweet comment on FB after. Wow! I love you too. That really cheered me up. The thing is my sadness, humour, goofiness, seriousness..etc. are all a part of me. I can have opposite feelings at the same time in different ways. I think others can understand this. Well, I am hoping anyway. That is supposed to be funny, I laughed.
There is other friends I have been neglecting and I miss them. Mindy, my mom-in-law Gloria, my neighbour Dona, my ex-neighbour Jenny and my sis-in-law Mary, my mom, I can add a few more to the list. Love you all, I know you all don't read this, but still. I had to say it.
I got to go, feeling more even keel. Another school day tomorrow and then the week-end will arrive. I am good. TTYAL, hope you are all having an awesome day and a great start to the New Year. If you aren't, even a little bit, you are not alone, so many others are off to a rough start too. Thanks for listening. Snooze time for me..maybe I should check FB one last time? You should know, I will. LOL
Someone said they couldn't cry on anti-depressants. I managed. The hardest part is knowing you are on your own. No one is going to call, or come over or even want to hear from you. Not really, which is okay in a way as you don't want to bring anyone else down. I think this is one reason for stupid bar fights. People go to their local watering hole to self-medicate and voila! let out all their frustrations on somebody that just annoyed them. I could use somebody I don't like right now. Sad.
It would be better than taking it out on my kids or the dog. My husband; I will have seen for only two-and-a-half days for the entire month of January. This year has already been hard. I am whining, but I am angry in so many ways. I am tired of being alone, except for my kids. I am sick of having all the responsibility for them and for this house. I am bored, frustrated, still sick and have reached my limit.
I don't drink or do drugs any more. I don't smoke. I don't party at all. I don't go very far, around the block, to various stores/restaurants, the library, my therapists, Renee's piano teacher, the vet or groomers, doctor's offices. Not fun. I am going to buy some flowers tomorrow and cheer myself up. I do have another appointment with my hypnotist. Maybe another session will help with overeating. I am not doing well with that at all. Better? Perhaps, but way less than I want to be.
I cleaned today and grocery shopped. I am trying to give myself the rule that my house has to be clean enough to not embarrass me if somebody stopped by. I am not talking company, maybe a friend or neighbour. I got 1/2 way today. I will do more tomorrow and more Saturday. My reward is Facebook time and flowers, or maybe getting my nails done. Something.
I will have more tears, they aren't very far away. I also realized that a couple of my friends on Facebook weren't what I thought they were. It is okay. My other Facebook friends are real and cheer me up so much. I love the laughs for me and them. My real friends here in Arizona are a sweet bunch and going through such hard times. It hurts me. It hurts even more that I will be leaving them, just when I started getting to know them.
My kids have been giving me spontaneous hugs the last few days. I worry because I have so little time left to teach them how to be responsible for themselves. I am a bit scared. I haven't done a very good job of that lately and it shows. They both have some major issues. The bonus is they are smart and are good-hearted. I do have high hopes for them.
Renee's music improves daily. It is so beautiful. She is having a tough time in choir because she won't sing any more. I don't know what to do about it yet. She tells me the other girls are usually so off, and the teacher sometimes too. They make too many mistakes, that aren't corrected. Her words, "It sounds all wrong, mom." Renee plays music by ear, I do not know how many songs she has in her head, original or otherwise. I have said it before. Her piano lessons are amazing.
I am NOT going to talk any medical stuff tonight..blah. My hubby and me skyped. That was fun, and then he posted a sweet comment on FB after. Wow! I love you too. That really cheered me up. The thing is my sadness, humour, goofiness, seriousness..etc. are all a part of me. I can have opposite feelings at the same time in different ways. I think others can understand this. Well, I am hoping anyway. That is supposed to be funny, I laughed.
There is other friends I have been neglecting and I miss them. Mindy, my mom-in-law Gloria, my neighbour Dona, my ex-neighbour Jenny and my sis-in-law Mary, my mom, I can add a few more to the list. Love you all, I know you all don't read this, but still. I had to say it.
I got to go, feeling more even keel. Another school day tomorrow and then the week-end will arrive. I am good. TTYAL, hope you are all having an awesome day and a great start to the New Year. If you aren't, even a little bit, you are not alone, so many others are off to a rough start too. Thanks for listening. Snooze time for me..maybe I should check FB one last time? You should know, I will. LOL
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