I am feeling sorry. Not for myself but more as an apology message to others. I am sorry I can be such a pain-in-the-ass. I am sorry that I bother(ed) you or anybody connected to you. I am sorry that I screwed up and can't seem to keep it together at times. I am sorry I didn't do more. I am also sorry that I have "lost" it, hurt you in any way. I am sorry for your pain, loss and suffering. If I never hurt you, harmed you or did any evil towards you, sweet. I am sorry I am human.
Then again, there is those people who I did tell off. Oh boy, did I ever. It felt really really good. Some, I ended up regretting. I have other times, where I didn't say anything, and walked away. Sometimes I wish I had been stronger. Instead of running away, that I had stood my ground. I also wish I hadn't given up on myself at times. I let "shite" get to me. While I didn't believe all the horrible things I thought about myself or had heard, there was that doubt. I just couldn't go on. It doesn't matter. I still woke up the next day.
Life happens whether you give up or not. Drowning in sorrow or misery or jumping from cloud to cloud..it happens. I said this to a friend, it isn't personal or fair. It is life. You win or lose during, in the end; we all do die, all of us. What happens after that is all a big guess. Nobody knows. There are folks who believe, who have faith. Others have so many different ideas or none at all. Others hang on even though I have no clue why they would.
I am sorry but I can't believe I'll be rejected in heaven for what I believe. I think my own personal hell will be seeing all the could haves. The heavenly parts will be for what I did do and how that spread throughout. The worst scenarios..let us say that I have a very vivid imagination. I think I will still be shocked. I am not ready to find out any of this yet.
Okay, all apologies aside..back to my routine. My goals. Everybody has them. Whether it is basic survival or going to visit Mars. Whether or not you have written or thought them out; you have them." I want" is the first thing we learn. I want to breathe is number one. After that, it is all a hodgepodge. Wow, I have always wanted to use that word. One of my minor goals attained. That IS meant to be funny.
Wow, I am so tired.
Saw doctor #1 today and doctor #2, the first one was routine, same time next year. The second one...I told him I didn't want an appointment. I just wanted his recommendation for a hernia specialist. The appointment did not go well. He told me he couldn't feel the hernia, and didn't think it was back. I pointed out that my symptoms prove otherwise. This is number 3, don't tell me what I am feeling isn't what it has always been. So I am scheduled for a CT which may or may not show anything. His referral is some docs in Canada, really?? You cannot be serious. His other thought, a colonoscopy. I have had two and will never have another. It does nothing to find a hernia at all. Which he agreed, but then added.. maybe it is my lifestyle?? Which is a nice way of saying I eat too much of the wrong foods and don't exercise. True. At least he didn't ask me if I was taking fiber like surgeon number 2 did after her failed surgery attempt. I HATE doctors today.
I guess my medical deductible will be payed by Feb. again this year.
I am a procrastinator. I know this. I have made it into a science of not doing things when I am supposed to. This is not something I am proud of. I can, however, focus on a project with multiple parts and get it done. My focus is absolute. I have a much harder time with day-to-day existence. I am managing to stay sober, straight, and smoke-free. I am almost to the six month mark..woo-hoo!
I wish with all my heart my hubby was home. I will go start my dishes in a bit, and clean counters and separate laundry. I will try to do a bowel movement. I know you are all happy I shared that info. I will take my fiber and go for a walk. I don't want to be alone any more inside my head. I have a puppy on my lap and two kids, one is out playing at the park. The other one is playing on her Nintendo upstairs. My scar is twinging like hell.
No more for now, I am making myself sad. That isn't my intention.
It is later on in the day. I am doing better. I talked with my hubby and my kids. I did my walk. My son actually changed the spare tire on his old bike. Wow. I am impressed. My Facebook friends were inspiring, fun, naughty, nice..you name it. I have two friends that are very dear to me and I have no clue what to say to either one. For the first time ever, I am going to try silence. I may not be able to do it. If they want to speak to me they will. If not, I will be okay. The world will not end. I will still wake up tomorrow most likely.
The countdown for the rest of the year? 2012 being the end all of existence. I am saying bring it on. Let's go! I am facing momentous changes this year, my horoscope said to embrace it and go with the flow. Okay. For that I am back to "row, row your boat" through the stream of time. Dreams? Reality? Sounds like fun..
I can't say I won't worry anymore. I am finding my soul. It is beautiful. I feel priviliged to have shared that with others.Thanks for listening to me today and being part of my journey. TTYAL. I am not sure where I got this picture from. I did add advertising again to this blog..I don't know. We shall see.
Then again, there is those people who I did tell off. Oh boy, did I ever. It felt really really good. Some, I ended up regretting. I have other times, where I didn't say anything, and walked away. Sometimes I wish I had been stronger. Instead of running away, that I had stood my ground. I also wish I hadn't given up on myself at times. I let "shite" get to me. While I didn't believe all the horrible things I thought about myself or had heard, there was that doubt. I just couldn't go on. It doesn't matter. I still woke up the next day.
Life happens whether you give up or not. Drowning in sorrow or misery or jumping from cloud to cloud..it happens. I said this to a friend, it isn't personal or fair. It is life. You win or lose during, in the end; we all do die, all of us. What happens after that is all a big guess. Nobody knows. There are folks who believe, who have faith. Others have so many different ideas or none at all. Others hang on even though I have no clue why they would.
I am sorry but I can't believe I'll be rejected in heaven for what I believe. I think my own personal hell will be seeing all the could haves. The heavenly parts will be for what I did do and how that spread throughout. The worst scenarios..let us say that I have a very vivid imagination. I think I will still be shocked. I am not ready to find out any of this yet.
Okay, all apologies aside..back to my routine. My goals. Everybody has them. Whether it is basic survival or going to visit Mars. Whether or not you have written or thought them out; you have them." I want" is the first thing we learn. I want to breathe is number one. After that, it is all a hodgepodge. Wow, I have always wanted to use that word. One of my minor goals attained. That IS meant to be funny.
Wow, I am so tired.
Saw doctor #1 today and doctor #2, the first one was routine, same time next year. The second one...I told him I didn't want an appointment. I just wanted his recommendation for a hernia specialist. The appointment did not go well. He told me he couldn't feel the hernia, and didn't think it was back. I pointed out that my symptoms prove otherwise. This is number 3, don't tell me what I am feeling isn't what it has always been. So I am scheduled for a CT which may or may not show anything. His referral is some docs in Canada, really?? You cannot be serious. His other thought, a colonoscopy. I have had two and will never have another. It does nothing to find a hernia at all. Which he agreed, but then added.. maybe it is my lifestyle?? Which is a nice way of saying I eat too much of the wrong foods and don't exercise. True. At least he didn't ask me if I was taking fiber like surgeon number 2 did after her failed surgery attempt. I HATE doctors today.
I guess my medical deductible will be payed by Feb. again this year.
I am a procrastinator. I know this. I have made it into a science of not doing things when I am supposed to. This is not something I am proud of. I can, however, focus on a project with multiple parts and get it done. My focus is absolute. I have a much harder time with day-to-day existence. I am managing to stay sober, straight, and smoke-free. I am almost to the six month mark..woo-hoo!
I wish with all my heart my hubby was home. I will go start my dishes in a bit, and clean counters and separate laundry. I will try to do a bowel movement. I know you are all happy I shared that info. I will take my fiber and go for a walk. I don't want to be alone any more inside my head. I have a puppy on my lap and two kids, one is out playing at the park. The other one is playing on her Nintendo upstairs. My scar is twinging like hell.
No more for now, I am making myself sad. That isn't my intention.
It is later on in the day. I am doing better. I talked with my hubby and my kids. I did my walk. My son actually changed the spare tire on his old bike. Wow. I am impressed. My Facebook friends were inspiring, fun, naughty, nice..you name it. I have two friends that are very dear to me and I have no clue what to say to either one. For the first time ever, I am going to try silence. I may not be able to do it. If they want to speak to me they will. If not, I will be okay. The world will not end. I will still wake up tomorrow most likely.
The countdown for the rest of the year? 2012 being the end all of existence. I am saying bring it on. Let's go! I am facing momentous changes this year, my horoscope said to embrace it and go with the flow. Okay. For that I am back to "row, row your boat" through the stream of time. Dreams? Reality? Sounds like fun..
When you stray away from your soul, the distance you have traveled is measured by the aching of your heart. - by Dodinsky
Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.--Arthur Somers Roche
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