the new me..2nd step.

I am running out of vices. Really. I can probably invent a few more but, sheesh. My hypnotherapy for weight loss was not what I expected. I already knew I was an emotional eater. To have the hypnotist confirm that, undeniably without a doubt, was just wrong. I am shaking my head. It was shocking and so not at the same time. His comment, "You have a lot of built-up emotions that were never dealt with." Really? Don't we all?

I am not sure what I am doing tonight. My heart feels like it is racing at a 100mph but my body is at a standstill. My mind is a swirl of just about everything. It gets prickly and different thoughts will pop in and out. I have fragments of songs that play, some are on a loop. This isn't really unusual, but I feel anxious. Not the impending sense of doom type, more like a nervous Nellie. I feel like a skittish horse, turning this way and that. I am just spooked a little. I don't know why.

I got more accomplished today than I have in weeks. It felt good. I am still working on that momentum. I should take Jack for a walk, perhaps. There is no hard and fast rules here. My kids are playing upstairs, the puppy is curled up next to me. I am in comfy clothes that I will most likely wear to bed, minus my bra. I have freshly washed sheets to look forward to. I have on my heavy blue robe as I have the heat turned off again. It makes me feel less guilty for the medical bills I have been accruing. I had my CT scan done yesterday. Another $600 plus what the insurance will be paying or not after my deductible is met...d**n.

I really can't afford to be sick, anymore. It could be worse. One of my friends husband's has cancer treatments that cause thousands a month. She is running multiple plans for donations. I feel bad that I can't contribute. If she lived closer I could donate my time or baking skills. This is so sad and heart-breaking to me.  I have another friend, two actually, that are dealing with the death of a friend. I grieve for them too. It isn't at the same level as they are, but shite. There is so much sadness.

Emotions, hell.

My weight loss rules are simple, but harder than you might think. I can only eat when I am hungry. I have to be sitting down and not doing anything else. I can eat with other's but have to be extra mindful when I am. I stop eating when I am full. I am to fully enjoy my food while eating. That's it. I can eat whatever and however I need. The difference is separating comfort from reality. We eat food to replenish our bodies. It is supposed to taste good. Emotional eaters eat to feel better. But, even as an alcoholic ends up despising themselves for drinking, an overeater hates themselves for eating. And, then eats more to feel better.

The hypnotism helps because I do feel full. I usually don't. Or even when I did, I ignored it to fill the emptiness inside me. That is my own emotional trauma mess. I am way past due for learning how to deal with it. Addicts, we just don't give up so easily. We really do like to hold on to our hurt. It reminds me of a little kid, mine! mine! mine! except instead of a favorite treat or toy we are holding on to our bad.

I am glad my hubby will be on his way home tomorrow.

I am going to go turn off the oven now. I was thinking about making cookies or cupcakes. Maybe tomorrow. In my past life I would have smoked a whole pack by now. I am more upset right now that I burnt my mouth on coffee the other day very badly and somehow bit the inside of my cheek. It is really bugging me.

My daughter said my blogs make her sad. Her music makes me weep so I guess we both have it bottled up. I also like to laugh. She does too, it is getting past her serious side and trying to find the girl she is underneath. God, I love her.

Bedtime now, so I can be ready for a new tomorrow. Thanks for listening. Yawn! TTYAL..I promise to be more cheerful next blog. Really. LOL.