Shattered..

I have said before I get pieces back of who I was before I shattered. Yep, no other way to describe it. Sometimes it is just a feeling that is triggered by a memory, a comment or an action. I feel much more stable today and yesterday than I have in months. I have a friend to thank for that. For me it felt like cold water splashing all over me, a past-due wake-up call. OH! I doubt that that friend even knows or cares, and it doesn't matter. I have my reserve back. Some might call it a wall, it isn't. It is a protection for myself. I tend to over-react, feel way too much without much encouragement.

I like that it also gives me more of my sense of humor, without being snarky. Good thing too..I am having enough challenges in my life. I need all my parts, arsenal of strategies and straight thinking. I will mention this to my therapist who will probably tell me I had this all along. True, but when you can't access it or don't know what is missing it isn't very useful. I have been feeling so confused in some ways and lost. Self-doubt, despair, and so much angst that hasn't disappeared. There isn't a magic button; whoosh! The difference is I remember who I am. Or at least, another part of "me" has resurfaced.

I am not an alcoholic though I tried to be. I am not a drug addict, though I could be. I am an addict, but I can choose in what, where, why, and am working on how much. This isn't easy. I can screw up and I probably will at times. I have a lot of different ways of getting around things. My biggest obstacle is myself. I have to stop doubting my own abilities and wisdom. I need to trust in my own faith. This is my choice and I do have professional help. I also have a few friends I talk to, my hubby, my kids. Yes, I talk to the puppy, too. He helps me in ways people can't.

There were times in my life that a dog's love was the only thing that kept me going. I am still grateful.

I am excited to be going with my woman's group to a seminar tomorrow. I am also proud that I can trust my kids to stay out of trouble and watch the house and puppy. They are great kids. My kids. It still feels weird at times to admit being a parent.

I got too much stuff I have to go do, back to the real world. Thanks for listening as always.

My level was finding out that I can trust myself, again. I have certain standards, beliefs that are me. I refuse to let the doubt back in. I like myself for the most part, hate a few things and am learning, piece by piece to love myself and that is okay. I hope this makes some sense to others, and helps them also.

Starting at the bottom..