Hi! I promised happier and cheerful. The problem is that for the most part that IS how I am, on paper is how I let out the darkness. Or, at least that is my newest theory...I have been known to be wrong, at least once or twice. Now, see that was funny to me. lol, sorry.
Sad news first, my sister-in-laws boyfriend for the past 3 years passed away unexpectedly Saturday night. I only met him once. He seemed like a nice guy. He was good to her, and helped her with her 4 kids. They loved him. I feel so bad that all I can do is offer my sympathies and prayers. I am so grateful to all my FB friends who have done the same. So much, my heart overflows. I have said the worst things seem to happen to the nicest people. My SIL is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She has had to endure way to much BS in her life.
I am going to change the subject now. It is just too painfully raw and sad. I take my daughter back to the therapist tomorrow. I was trying to find her a new one that could work with her Asperger's. That is going to have to wait till we move to Utah. I don't want to start her with someone new and then have to break it off in a few months or so. She is still "fighting" severe depression. I highlight fighting because for the most part, while I get a glimmer here and there, she has given in. I can't seem to reach her. I am probably more of a big mojo bad for her than good. I try. It is so difficult though.
My hubby is home. He had to drive again. So, it has been great to see him and be able to touch him and other things...lol. He is exhausted. He fell asleep at 8:30 pm. He was also loaded too, which hurts my heart too. I can't help him with that. I try not to be a bitch about it, the same goes for my daughter and my son.
I am not succeeding. I am being a bitch for the most part. I miss and don't miss my smokes. I am not doing as well with my weight-loss hypnosis as I should or could. I have issues with my own regular therapy. While I am better and am getting more whole. I am so far from where I wish to be. I am sick of fighting the sadness. I want to feel happy and fun, light and care-free. I want to go places and do things and not have to worry any more about how I look and act. I am tired of the pity looks I get from folks or the disgust from people who find my obesity revolting. The worst part is being invisible. Where they look at you and then look right past you like they didn't see you.
I want a whole new life, a start over. But, then I would lose all or any wisdom I have accrued here. I would lose my hubby and kids. I would miss my friends and my puppy. I would even lose the memory of all the people and places that were important to me. All the things that have meaning for me...no. I wouldn't be me anymore. I have to say that being me is getting to be a royal pain. I am so tired. I am so tired of physical, and mental pain.
I crave peace and serenity, but am bored with it.
I am going to go get some sleep now and think about publishing this tomorrow. g'night for now.
This was yesterday and so many things have swirled around and changed my outlook on things. I am trying to figure out where I am in all this mess. I wish I felt better, physically and mentally. I am going to bed tonight. I think some real sleep will help tremendously. Thanks for listening. I am okay for now...and will be better in the morning.
Sad news first, my sister-in-laws boyfriend for the past 3 years passed away unexpectedly Saturday night. I only met him once. He seemed like a nice guy. He was good to her, and helped her with her 4 kids. They loved him. I feel so bad that all I can do is offer my sympathies and prayers. I am so grateful to all my FB friends who have done the same. So much, my heart overflows. I have said the worst things seem to happen to the nicest people. My SIL is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She has had to endure way to much BS in her life.
I am going to change the subject now. It is just too painfully raw and sad. I take my daughter back to the therapist tomorrow. I was trying to find her a new one that could work with her Asperger's. That is going to have to wait till we move to Utah. I don't want to start her with someone new and then have to break it off in a few months or so. She is still "fighting" severe depression. I highlight fighting because for the most part, while I get a glimmer here and there, she has given in. I can't seem to reach her. I am probably more of a big mojo bad for her than good. I try. It is so difficult though.
My hubby is home. He had to drive again. So, it has been great to see him and be able to touch him and other things...lol. He is exhausted. He fell asleep at 8:30 pm. He was also loaded too, which hurts my heart too. I can't help him with that. I try not to be a bitch about it, the same goes for my daughter and my son.
I am not succeeding. I am being a bitch for the most part. I miss and don't miss my smokes. I am not doing as well with my weight-loss hypnosis as I should or could. I have issues with my own regular therapy. While I am better and am getting more whole. I am so far from where I wish to be. I am sick of fighting the sadness. I want to feel happy and fun, light and care-free. I want to go places and do things and not have to worry any more about how I look and act. I am tired of the pity looks I get from folks or the disgust from people who find my obesity revolting. The worst part is being invisible. Where they look at you and then look right past you like they didn't see you.
I want a whole new life, a start over. But, then I would lose all or any wisdom I have accrued here. I would lose my hubby and kids. I would miss my friends and my puppy. I would even lose the memory of all the people and places that were important to me. All the things that have meaning for me...no. I wouldn't be me anymore. I have to say that being me is getting to be a royal pain. I am so tired. I am so tired of physical, and mental pain.
I crave peace and serenity, but am bored with it.
I am going to go get some sleep now and think about publishing this tomorrow. g'night for now.
This was yesterday and so many things have swirled around and changed my outlook on things. I am trying to figure out where I am in all this mess. I wish I felt better, physically and mentally. I am going to bed tonight. I think some real sleep will help tremendously. Thanks for listening. I am okay for now...and will be better in the morning.
TTYAL..
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.