Choice swear words...

I have been trying to adjust to the New Year. Not much has changed, but it still feels different. I have been sick again..damn hernias. I feel much better right now though. It comes on in waves and I will be okay for a while and then it hits. I am saying choice swear words. I may call my ex-surgeon tomorrow to see if he suggests anyone. I am so tired of fighting this.

My kids, are incredible. I am going to say that again. My kids are incredible. They do drive me to the edge and back again. Then they amaze me. Max is working on his own New Year goals. He decided he wants to improve his grades, spend less time on-line and be a nicer person. Wow, he came up with all of this on his own. Renee isn't doing as well. She is still very depressed, but we are talking more. One problem is she makes no sense at times, even to herself. I am working very hard at just listening and NOT commenting or starting to lecture. It is helping. The one bonus is her music just keeps getting better and better.

I am learning to move on. I wish I was doing more, but then I get overwhelmed and/or burnt out. Baby steps, one at a time..learning to fall forward enough and then catch myself. I keep being reminded of balance. I was talking with my kids about moderation, in drinking, in everything. They "got" it. Then of course they have to get goofy. I was saying it is easy to dehydrate especially in the summer heat in Arizona. I then mentioned while not impossible, it is hard to over-hydrate. Your body will try to refuse to let you drink too much H2O. My daughter's comment, "unless you are drowning."  LOLOL..she does have her moments. I know that shouldn't be funny but, it is.

I do not understand why I am wide awake at 4AM. I didn't even take a nap yesterday. I went to physical therapy. I admit I cheated out of some of my exercises. I just felt awful. I went grocery shopping and didn't use my coupons either. Gasp! I know, it is terrible. I am so living on the outer edge. Serious? You know your life is sad when you get excited that your brand of toilet paper is on sale. I have become my mom. I did marry a nicer guy though. That was a bit of a wicked comment. Whatever, I don't really think I am heading straight for heaven anyway.

My honey will be home again this weekend. Thank God! Praise Hallelujah, Amen. Winter break was horrific to me. It had a few shiny happy moments, but for the most part..blcch. I survived it as did my kids and the dog. My house could use some major TLC. I am trying to talk my internal self into liking housework. If I am going to be addicted to something why not make it useful like cleaning, cooking, and exercising? So far I have not been successful with this. I think my subconscious is too smart for that. More choice swear words..

Yes, I am still addicted to Facebook, though I am no longer a stalker. Yeah for me! The time I spend is less than you might think as I read fast and do other things as well. Denial is so lovely. I am still working on this. My  prescription medications are finally straight. I am not sure if I mentioned it, I had added an extra anti-depressant I wasn't supposed to be taking. Oh my. Plus I figured out I double-dosed on my others a few times. I was wondering why I was so dizzy? duh..there are also a few things I have spaced out too. I had a few people make some comments to me about this or that. Huh? I went back and read stuff I wrote. I was impressed that for the most part I was really nice. It is disturbing that I don't remember writing it at all. I probably shouldn't be admitting that.

Levels, I still have some goals in mind but I need to get some physical things working better first. Focus and then commitment will be next and a specific action plan that can be tweaked as needed. Change is hard. Staying the distance is even harder. Ugh. I will not let the lizard win! ?? I will explain that another time.

Thanks for listening. I am hoping you are having a lovely winter day where ever you are. My blog tracker says I have readers from all over the globe. I find this incredibly sweet. TTYAL.

“Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.”—Unknown 

Yeah, afraid so.

and Another..

Another New Year? Crap, didn't we just have one?? Wow, that went really fast.

Last year..Oh My.

I faced some major truths about myself, good and bad, and went Insane. I knew I wasn't "right" and shattered just begins to describe it. This blog has been part of my therapy to fit my pieces back together. The greater majority of "me" has returned from its trip. I can say I am more "sane" and "aware" than I have ever been. Yes, I did mean to capitalize the I. Okay, I'll stop with the (")s. I just feel there should be some fireworks, excitement, hoopla. Nope.

I am not bawling my eyes out either. Woo-hoo!! Which is a major bonus from the last two previous years. I am just very mellow today. My kids are bored, and I am praying for the end of next week. Getting back to the routine of my days without them here all day. Oh God! I need a break. I could use a vacation from their vacation. My hubby has started looking at houses in Utah. I am still queasy about this.

Change, it has been all about change this year for good or evil. There is more coming up for 2012. I'd like to be more prepared and ready for it. It really doesn't work that way most of the time, though. I am not sure if I adapt better or worse to it than most. I don't know, doesn't really matter. My comparisons with others is automatic, but not very accurate. We only see the tip of the iceberg so to speak when we see others. There is a whole other mountain underneath. I got this from a Denny's training manual, the things I remember.

I have my fireworks now. The neighborhood is setting them off, crapola. "be careful what you wish for" Jack, the puppy will be going nuts all night. He runs around and barks his fool head off. D**n it! I am laughing, go figure. I wonder if Utahn's are better about this than Arizonians? Every holiday around here they are setting them off. Some shoot off guns too..yeah, really.

So, how am I doing? My son asks me this multiple times a day. He worries too much. I love him. I am okay. On the better side of okay for now. My daughter, shaking my head, is a trip. She's in a good mood for now. I enjoy these moments with her, they aren't very regular. Though, I wish she had showered today. My nose has become a super power. This is not a blessing. Everything stinks, one way or another. Even myself, I need a shower too.

Physically I could be doing way better. I am going to go for a walk and see if that helps. I am going to try some meds too. It has been an ongoing problem on-and-off for too long now. I have two hours till midnight, my  medical deductible is paid till then. So not good.

Oh whatever, what the hell am I writing here? Blah, hell, shit or lack of? Oh my G! Lolol..sorry.

New Year, New sanity, New start..forgiveness? I let go of all the hatred, despair and negativity of the last year and embrace the plus. Sounds better, doesn't it? feels better too. This is from a very good friend with great motivational ideas. I am not sure where he got it from..or was his own brainstorm.

Challenge yourself in 2012 ... Write yourself 4 letters - now.. Each with at least 3 different short term goals and 1 long term goal. Label each envelope as March, June, September and December. Write down what you are going to accomplish in 2012 and how you are going to do it - for each of the goals.... Then put them in a place where you remember them - then every three months - open a letter and see how you are doing. Continue working towards your goals and accomplish something BIG in 2012!

I am not going to announce my goals yet. Shhh..I haven't written them out yet. I'll get there in a bit. Thanks for listening as always..love ya! Happy Happy New Years ...love, peace and hope to all..yes, even you. Especially you. Hah! 

I wanna touch you..

Tonight is a night I could do without. My hubby is in another state. We haven't really connected these past few days at all. I get irritated. I don't want to talk to him on the phone or computer. I want him here, face to face. I need/want a physical touch between us. It isn't even sexual. I could blab about my day, sometimes he does about his. Right now neither one of us is talking or sharing anything. He knows I am lonely and fed-up. I know he is lonely too. This gets harder and harder, not easier.

My therapist said I had realized a lot of my goals and needed to set new ones. Really? I guess. I am way better than I was, but crap. He also said therapy isn't forever. Yeah, I knew that. I just don't want to think about it yet.

The two people in my life that I see every day are my son and daughter. They are driving me cuckoo. Part of my therapy is to learn better parenting skills. I haven't reached this goal at all. I am either too harsh or too easy. The love is there, rules and consequences, respect and following through all need a major overhaul and re-commitment. Does this sound familiar to any parents out there? Ugh, I let too many of my own concerns and worries keep a barrier between us. I don't think anyone realizes how hard being a single parent is, unless you are one. I am, but I'm not. One more group that I kind of belong to but don't fully.

I realized today that none of us ever went out the front door at all. Not once. I took garbage out back. That is the weird part of not smoking. I used to smoke about every 15 minutes or so. That meant I was outside for that time. Today I went out back, once, and never even unlocked the front door or opened the garage or gate. Huh, suburbian isolation at its best.

The worst part, except for a few of my neighbors, I really don't have contact with anyone I know at all. I didn't even see them. I hate it. This does not help my Facebook addiction which has been in full force the past few weeks. I at least managed to accomplish a few chores today. I caught up on laundry and cleaned up my kitchen, but blah. I didn't even take a shower..eww!

Still can't sleep even though I am exhausted. Ok, enough is enough. I will go try to snooze, thanks for listening.

"if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off" - michelle gray    "I am a human being, not a human doing. Don't equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren't what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don't... you aren't." - Dr. Wayne Dyer 

Yeah, I am a bit strange, but it isn't like I have admitted otherwise. LOL, I don't own this picture and have no idea where it came from. Beautiful though.

Tomorrow is...

I am still here. Hope everyone had a beautiful holiday and is looking forward to the New Year. I have had a lot going on this past week. I am still trying to sort it all out. My Christmas was nice. Seeing my hubby was even better. Having the kids home for more than a week? Not so good. I will talk about all that another time. It is too raw and personal right now.

I will not be unhappy to see this past year go, I learned a lot. Some good, some very bad. Did I succeed at any of my goals? yes and no. I am smoke-free. I am alive and more aware/awake of myself and the world around me. I did not lose weight. My family, while stuck in a holding pattern for now, has a goal and direction to head towards.

I am scared of the New Year. I could use the word trepidation, instead. Logistics, selling/renting one house and starting again in a new state. Trying to figure out directions, schools, stores and finding a job. Physically packing and unpacking, erghh..and readjusting to being a married mom. Having to deal with seasons and snow/cold again. ugh.

I am scared of facing more of my demons. There is not much worse than being afraid of evil. Looking at it in your own eyes and feeling the emotions of it is awful. Being angry is so easy, vindictive, jealous, judgemental. Turning these around to hope, passion, forgiveness, openness is work. I am so tired. Forgiving yourself is the hardest for me. I tend to be my own harshest critic. "Be nice to yourself" yeah.

I have to get my act together. In advocating for change, I am not saying I am not okay with myself. I just have to be able to grow and challenge myself.

I have so much more to talk about but I have to get a move on and go do. I will write sooner and more specific. Thanks for listening for now TTYL. Christmas is over, but this is something I think we all need to work on every day.

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness.To an opponent, tolerance.To a friend, your heart.To a customer, service.To all, charity.To every child, a good example.To yourself, respect.
 Oren Arnold.

 

mmhmmm...lolol. No handouts. Tomorrow never comes, it is always a new day.

Just Holding my Hand..

I am being thankful. My hubby is back from Utah, my kids are okay. Jack the puppy is sleeping quietly and I am mostly ready for tomorrow. I am not sure where my mind and emotions are at. I feel stuck in neutral, sort of revving and not going anywhere.. One of my favorite friends pointed out that she will be very happy to say good-bye to this year. Yeah, totally understand that, it was the year of "crazy" for me. Technically three surgeries for me and major medical overload plus working on mental and mind crap. It isn't quite over yet.

I am having another "hot flash" Whew! I am letting a long breath out. I have been cold all day so this isn't bothering me that much. It helps to be mellow. I am petting Jack, this does help calm and relax me. I had an urge a couple of times today to have a smoke. It is good. I am still okay with it. The urges have become less and less frequent. I will probably always have them. It is funny what triggers addictions.

My stomach/hernia has given me some grief on and off for the past couple of weeks. I have had this issue for 30 years. It has been much worse, so I am not really crying about it. I am uncomfortable now, debating on taking something for it. I can go lay down when it is really bad, it is nice to have that choice. As long as I don't start throwing up, that means my small bowel is obstructed. More doctors? Another surgery? Among other options, my husband and I have been talking about the upcoming year/move. Another long breath, I am not quite ready yet for any of that. Christmas is first, New Year's and then we shall see. The one bonus is my deductible has been met. My out-of-pocket expense is ..lol.

I wrote some stuff about the ghosts of Christmas pasts. It was good to get some of the bad out. I am not sure if I am ready to share any of that yet if ever. I smile because there is happy memories mixed in. Different friends over the years, different jobs, my kids and family, a little red bike.

I have a lot of religious friends of all different beliefs and faiths, and some atheists too. A big majority are like my husband. They were raised in a faith, and don't believe or attend. I don't think he thinks about it. He doesn't feel a lack or void. There are right and wrong things, and a few grey areas. He tends to go to the right side more often then not. Having children for me changed my perspective on a lot of things. I know it did for him too.

There is so many things I would have done differently in my life if I known better. I thought for a while that was just a folly of being young. No, being older has made me wiser in some things but not less human. I still embarrass myself. I try to not let it overwhelm me and move on. Waiting tables taught me a lot about keeping going. It also taught me that screw-ups happen all the time. You learn and deal. I'd like to think I don't mess up as often.

This past year of messy emotional and physical drama has made me so aware of who I am. I am waking up and seeing there is so much more I can be doing. I also have to give myself credit for where I have been and what I have overcome. I hope and pray that I will never let anyone let me doubt myself again so much. I can rant, rave, cry, laugh, shrug. That people can misunderstand me or find me hard to take at times is understandable. I don't always like myself either. It is also hard to type humour. Words have always been my friends and enemies. My laughter is a true defence against the darkness. That not everyone "gets" it I "get". There is so many people I truly don't understand either, they boggle me.

I have to point out here that I love my family, even my parents. That is a whole other blog or two. Oh my lord, yes. I love my siblings and am getting to know a few of my extended family better. I have so many beautiful nieces, cousins and a few nephews, plus all their kids too. I have my Denny's family of friends that always remain special to me. I have made a few new friends out here in the desert. I have reconnected with so many past friends from school or other places, and made beautiful new ones on all sorts of levels. THAT has been an extra bonus this year. I know I am addicted to them. Setting boundaries for next year is one of my priorities.

“YOU carry the joy and surprise of the season with you, no matter if someone or something else comes along to share it with you.”—Xian Horn

I always have music running through my head, during the holidays this ends up being Christmas carols. It was the Nutcracker Ballet, now it is Winter Wonderland. I know, it can drive me batty. On my final note, I say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah to those who it applies to. I think the term under God should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance and I don't appreciate public prayers unless I am at a church or memorial service. I'd prefer a moment of silence at anytime. I have a lot of people upset about Christ or God being taken out of things. Church and state should be separate, period. If you are a true believer in God and Jesus this will not change as he is in your heart and soul. Would "he" want you to fight and be angry with your neighbors, co-workers, family because they don't believe the way you do?? Think about it.

I had a customer that got offended that I called her honey. I had a check-out lady in a grocery store who always made me uncomfortable with her praise the lord, Jesus loves you etc. I had a dear friend that thought horoscopes and Halloween were works of the devil. I met some Iranian boys one time who, while unfailing polite, thought ALL American woman were whores for being unaccompanied by a male and showing their arms, legs and faces in public. Heavy sigh.

Love you all and thanks for listening..ttyal.

Turn around and face..

I guess I should write this and just get it out. I am tired today. I am tired most days, some is from being anemic and maybe some blood sugar/pressure hormonal crap. Who knows? I am sick of it. I want energy and motivation, aimed with focus, bolstered by fortitude. What the hell, lol... I deserve it.

I don't want to spend another day in the bathroom, but there I am. I feel like shit. No, I haven't been drinking or doing any drugs. I am straight except for the hodgepodge of chemicals the doctors have me on. No, this is because my hernia surgery has failed again. I knew already. The Ob-Gyn  surgeon confirmed it. My intestines are already stuck to the new mesh. Dammit all to hell and back again. The last couple of days have been really bad.

I have so many things that need to be done. Some I really would like to do, others, no. I am trying not to throw up. I feel nauseated as hell and then starving at the same time. I am also sad, depressed, angry..I am so sick of the BS. I did have to laugh though, the doc told me that I had a fibroid(nasty non-cancer growth), endometriosis(when the menstrual cells go outside the uterus), and adenomyosis(menstrual cells grow into the uterine wall) and an ovarian cyst. It is all gone now. I have had very little to no pain, I actually feel better with this. The hard part is adjusting to another new med, I am now on a low-dose estrogen.

The problem is back to the hernia, again. That causes me severe pain. My uncle had 7 hernia repairs. I have had three now. (More swear words) I don't want anymore. My therapy for my neck/shoulder is progressing. I have much more use out of my right arm with less pain. I only wish it was faster.

Am I looking for sympathy/ No, I am just pissed off. I am so angry not only for myself but for all my  family and friends, my girlfriend's daughter right now who has been diagnosed with cancer. I am also sad that I am by myself, for the moment. That I don't have anyone to call up and say "let's go out to lunch, or come  on over and make cookies."

I am not going to talk about the holidays at all right now. I am getting there. My hubby will be home tomorrow, the kids are on break starting today. I am still trying to deal with daily living. It is hard when you can't bend over or pick things up. It is even worse when you can do these things and it just hurts a bit or hurts later. My kids have very little to no sympathy, they are worn out. I have been ill their entire lives.

I laughed when I had my surgery for my carpal tunnel. My company was paying for it on Workman's comp and was not happy about it. I always thought they would send out the P.I. with camera's. See, she is carrying groceries in, and here she is taking garbage out. I did it with a cast on. It was excruciating at times. Why? I didn't have anybody else to do it for me. I had to eat, make it to school, doctors, even work with the cast on.

I am getting over myself now. I have worked too long and hard to give up on myself or my family. I can still laugh, learn, grow and move on. We have a lot of big changes coming up again. Moving to Utah? Braces for Max, my son? Family, marital and individual counselling perhaps? Oh well, this all better than being a stagnant pool of stinky water.

The world, we only occupy such a small fragment of it. My bubble intersects with so many more, I am hoping what I blather does help others. It gives me a release. God has his own plan. I am trying to learn to trust in that and not re-act so blindly to it. I am so not where I need to be yet. To all my friends and family who have been helping me, thank you. I am sorry I am so angry today.

To the people who have hurt me or who I let hurt me, for whatever stupid-ass reason. Thanks for showing me I am human and fallible. I am going to say F you too..which is probably wrong but oh, well. I never claimed to be perfect, sane, or even in control at all times. I am doing way better. I have been embarrassed, hurt, and happy. I am happy that while I have been an idiot at times, I try to tell the truth. I also can remember what I have said for the most part. My promises mean a lot to me. The ones I make to myself and the ones I make to others.

I have got to go now. I have groceries to buy, a kitchen to clean and laundry to do..should go clean up some dog poop while I am at it. (I am laughing at this part, it is funny)

"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." ~Solomon

Shutting up for now, keeping an open mind, trying to remember and do what I have learned so far, and sharing that with others. Beautiful. Thanks for listening as always TTYL.

Hi World..

I took an unintentional break, sorry about that. I wrote two different rough drafts that ended up sounding like each other. For the most part is was about all my medical "shite". Enough of that already for now. I know I am tired of all of it and talking/writing about it hasn't made me feel happier. I am alive! I am way healthier than I was a couple of weeks ago. I am much much better than I was a couple of months back and even more so than I was last year at this time. You could even add in the past couple of years before that. I still miss a smoke every once in a while, less and less though.  I am still so ecstatic that I am an ex-smoker. Woo-hoo! It still shocks me.

Mentally, physically, spiritually..one step at a time. I am not looking for perfection or to hold myself to anyone else's standards. It is what I am comfortable with and then maybe a bit more. What makes it all work for me, the balance I have talked about before. I am at times going to be teetering one way and then tottering back another. My fulcrum is my inner spirit/soul. It is eternal and growing, and is indestructible. It can be changed, of course, but never destroyed.

What does all that mean? It means I am a work in progress. I am getting to where I am supposed to be going. If I want it to be what I want, I am going to have to make goals. Then, decide on my action plans and work on them daily.

I was appalled that almost none of my jeans fit for my trip to Utah. I knew I had gained weight. Which made me angry and depressed. I recently saw a video of myself. O-M-G! No, I am not comfortable with that. So, I have been cleaning up my diet, and walking with the dog every day. I also need to get my bike out again. Little steps, that can lead to big changes. I am adding 2 veggies to every meal, putting in my healthy snacks again and having one fruit a day..plus my leafy greens. I have done this before. This time, I am going to use the hypnotherapy again. It works very well for me. The harder part is getting my family into the plan.

I am not expecting miracles though I have been praying for them. I pray for my friend's daughter who has cancer and another friends husband. I pray for my special baby A girl who is in my heart and her mom and family. I pray for my friends business and welfare. I pray for a couple of other friends who have had surgery. I also add in my extended family and friends. My friend whose Mom is in the hospital. A friend that went to the ER tonight and another friend who went to the ER a few weeks back. I have friends with kids and family who could use some miracles, I could use some of my own.

My immediate family needs work, but I have such high hopes for it. I think we are in for another challenging year. It is okay. We will make it through. I know this. We will grow and be changed. It will hurt and be painful at times, but it is going to be worth it.

I need to go get some sleep. I got a few projects done today. I am hoping to accomplish a few more tomorrow. Thanks for listening. I have missed you all. Really. I will include some pictures, song or video soon or maybe not as I have more than a few quotes that to me all mesh together.

“I believe all joy is an extension of gratitude. If we can find something to be thankful for, no matter what’s going on, no matter how small, we can grasp the coattails of joy.”  

“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  

scary, isn't it?

"Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, to rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts." ~Salmon Rushdie 

  Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything ~George Bernard Shaw  

  When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place. - Unknown

Laughing out loud, as I do quite a bit, I am still here and ready for a new tomorrow and my next level.